Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Asking government to fix government is like asking cancer to cure cancer.

How to become a billionaire in 2 steps:

1. Save 1 million dollars per year.

2. Do it for next 1,000 years.

I named my indoor/outdoor cat, "Help," just to fuck with the neighbors.

Having boobs helps me avoid having unwanted eye contact.

I bet your brain feels good as new, seeing that you’ve never used it.

You’re so fat you could sell shade.

There’s only one problem with your face… I can see it.

Mirrors can’t talk, and lucky for you they can’t laugh either.

Fake hair, fake nails, fake smile. Are you sure you weren’t made in China?

Maybe if you ate some of that make up you could be pretty on the inside.

Keep rolling your eyes, maybe you’ll find a brain back there.

If you spoke your mind, you’d be speechless.

You’ve got a great face for make up.

You’re so dumb, I bet your dog teaches you tricks.

You’re the reason they invented double doors.

You’re so ugly the only dates you get are on a calendar.

We all sprang from apes, but you didn’t spring far enough.

I’d give you a slap, but that’d be animal abuse.

If I had a face like yours, I’d sue my parents.

You’re living proof that evolution can go in reverse.

Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all stupid people.

Hey dog breath, if I throw a stick will you go away?

If I wanted to kill myself I’d climb your ego and jump to your IQ.

Two wrongs don’t make a right. Take your parents, for example.

I’d love to insult you, but I won’t do as well as nature did.

I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap out a smarter comeback than what you just said.

I’m jealous of all the people that haven’t met you.

What are you doing here? Did someone leave your cage open?

Of course I talk like an idiot… How else would you understand me?

You’re so fake, Barbie is jealous.

You look like a before picture.

Your family tree must be a cactus, because everybody on it’s a prick.

You’re about as useful as a vibrator with no batteries.

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

You look like something I’d draw with my left hand.

I heard your parents took you to a dog show and you won.

Why don’t you slip into something a little more comfortable… Like a coma.

I wasn’t born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel about you.

I’m not saying that I hate you, but I’d unplug your life support machine to charge my mobile.

If you were twice as smart, you’d still be stupid.

Your face makes onions cry.

Learn from your parent’s mistake… Use birth control.

Out of 100,000 sperm, you were the fastest?

If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I’d fart.

You’ve got less meat in your pants than there is in a vegetarian restaurant.

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

If government is the answer, it was a stupid question.

Theorem: A cat has nine tails.

Proof: No cat has eight tails. A cat has one more tail than no cat. Therefore a cat has nine tails.

The most dangerous kind of canoes are volcanoes!

What's the difference between an Indian and an African Elephant?

One of them is an elephant.

Сижу на курсах по борьбе с нарциссизмом. Я тут самый красивый!

What is System32 and where can I find the other 31 Systems?

"Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off forever."
- P. J Plauger

Suicide is never the answer, your pets will miss you.

"What one programmer can do in one month, two programmers can do in two months."
- Fred Brooks

“I'm going to sleep now” - Translation: I'm going to lie in the dark and think about all the awkward things I've ever done.

We all laugh in the same language.

My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.

I was eating breakfast.

Censorship is the tool of those who have the need to hide actualities from themselves and from others.

I trust the government to lie about everything.

If A is success in life, then

𝐀 = 𝐱 + 𝐲 + 𝐳.

Work is x, play is y and z is keeping your mouth shut.

— A. Einstein (1879-1955)

Don't take ecological advice from someone who travels by private jet.

My new girlfriend, Emma, is a chiropractor.
I call her Bony Em.

The loudest word ever shouted is the word "quiet".

Pretending to not understand sarcasm is the greatest form of sarcasm.

"The best programs are the ones written when the programmer is supposed to be working on something else."
– Melinda Varian

Woman: Oh, are they twins?
Me: No, they're triplets, we leave the ugly one at home...

How many boolean developers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Yes.

Never judge a developer by things they say while debugging.

Those photos of smiling students on the websites of engineering colleges is the biggest scam.

"Clean code always looks like it was written by someone who cares."
– Michael Feathers

Dare to resist or cease to exist.

An apple a day, if well aimed, keeps the doctor away.

–Cariño, ¿crees que hemos caído en la rutina? –preguntó como cada mañana.

"If you want to find the secrets of the universe, think in terms of energy, frequency and vibration."
- Nikola Tesla

My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It's not what it looks like!

Light at the end or not, some days you're just sick of being in the tunnel.

My friend complained to me he only has 5 testicles but I think that's a lot of bollocks.

Your family member will not consider you an engineer unless you repair any of the home appliances.

Oпыт – этo не приoбретение мудрoсти, а пoтеря иллюзий.