Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

A wise man once said, "When the rise of the machines happens...

...make sure you are nowhere near a dildo factory."

Я понял, почему в Израиле все водители так часто сигналят.

Потому что это бесплатно.

Careful when dating a musician.

You can get played.

No matter how hard your life is, don't like your own post.

Planning kills the magic.

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them…

“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.”
Ron White

“If the facts don’t fit the theory, change the facts.”
Albert Einstein

Life is a long process of getting tired.
– Samuel Butler

Live every day to the fullest. When going to the bathroom take a newspaper!

Do not take life too seriously, you will never get out of it alive.

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

YOLO - "you only live once".

“If the facts don’t fit the theory, change the facts.”
— Albert Einstein

Set some goals, then demolish them.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

Me: the victim is 6’1”; his body has already turned into a ghost.

Police officer: Sir, that’s just a sheet we covered the body with.

Get naked. I have a plan.

- Is British food really that bad ?
- If done correctly, yes.

SOCIALISM : IDEAS SO GOOD THAT THEY HAVE TO BE MANDATORY.

What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?

It can’t sit down.

Finger painting is digital art.

Based on the number of movies, the missions actually don’t seem to be that impossible.

My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.

As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I'm sure of, it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

Either you make things happen or you watch someone else make things happen.

Choose wisely.

Здоровый человек - это больной, не знающий, что он болен.

“The Life and Times of Ivan Pavlov” by Isabelle Ringing

My CV is basically a list of things I never want to do again.

Do oranges crave being juice or are they pressed into it?

Faber est suae quisque fortunae.

Every man is the artisan of his own fortune.

Qui totum vult totum perdit.

He who wants everything loses everything.

Aut viam inveniam aut faciam.

I will either find a way or make one.

Destitutus ventis, remos adhibe.

If the winds fail you, use the oars.

Malum consilium quod mutari non potest.

Bad is the plan that cannot change.

Forsan et haec olim meminisse iuvabit.

Perhaps even these things will be good to remember one day.

Finis coronat opus.

The end crowns the work.

Timendi causa est nescire.

Ignorance is the cause of fear.

Astra inclinant, sed non obligant.

The stars incline us, they do not bind us.

Solamen miseris socios habuisse doloris.

Misery loves company.

Aquila non capit muscas.

An eagle does not catch flies.

Libertas perfundet omnia luce.

Freedom will flood all things with light.

Flectere si nequeo superos, Acheronta movebo.

If I cannot move Heaven, I will raise Hell.

Vivamus, moriendum est.

To live, we must die.

Malo mori quam foedari.

I would rather die than be dishonored.

Ut ameris, amabilis esto.

To be loved, be lovable.

Inis vitae sed non amoris.

The end of life, but not of love.

Ubi amor, ibi dolor.

Where there's love, there's pain.

Amor vincit omnia.

Love conquers all.

Ars longa, vita brevis.

Art is long, life is short.

In absentia lucis, Tenebrae vincunt.

In the absence of light, darkness prevails.

Creo quia absurdum est.

I believe because it is absurd.

Ad meliora.

Toward better things.

Natura non constristatur.

Nature is not saddened.

Audentes fortuna iuvat.

Fortune favors the bold.

Ad astra per aspera.

Through adversity to the stars.

Carthago delenda est.

Carthage must be destroyed.

Acta, non verba.

Deeds, not words.

Et tu, Brute?

“And you, Brutus?”

In vino veritas.

In wine, there is truth.

Cogito, ergo sum.

I think, therefore I am.

Carpe diem.

Seize the day.

Alea iacta est.

The die has been cast.

Veni, vidi, vici.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

Music puns sometimes hit the high notes.

I told a joke about a one-legged chair.

It didn’t sit well.

My wife says I'm childish.

Well, she's just a stinky poo face.

Colleague at work asked for advice so I told him to be himself.

Last time I do that. Turns out he's a complete asshole.

I saw the electric pencil sharpeners in Staples but failed to find the electric pencils.

Socialists say “publicly owned”. What they mean is “State controlled”.

Socialists say “Government aid”. What they mean is “taxpayers' aid”.

Socialists say “social justice”. What they mean is “selective justice”.

Socialists say “equality”. What they mean is “levelling down”.

Why do they twist the truth like this? Because they dare not spell out the Socialist reality.

M.T.

I used to be addicted to time travel, but that’s all in the future now.

What do you call a mouse that swears?

A cursor.

A radioactive cat has 18 half-lives.

Your accent is your voice’s font.

Why do single people dislike Git so much?

Because they're afraid to commit.

How is Twitter like Playboy?

No one reads the articles.

What store do Storm Troopers shop at?

The store next to Target.

The universe is comprised of protons, electrons, neutrons and, sadly, morons.

We pay tax on items we purchase with money we earn that has already been taxed.