Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Для хорошего кота и в феврале март.

Взялся за зад - не говори, что не рад.

Взялся за грудь - скажи что-нибудь.

В здоровом теле - здоровый стул.

Баба с возу – волки сыты.

Любишь кататься — люби и катайся.

Тиха украинская ночь, но сало лучше перепрятать!

Не суйся в воду возле химзаводу.

Время лечит, но за деньги быстрее.

Кто поздно встаёт, тот у метро живёт.

Одна голова — хорошо, а две — уже некрасиво.

Чем больше шкаф – тем громче падает.

Заряженному танку в дуло не смотрят.

Дураки — не мамонты, сами не вымрут.

Кто не рискует, тот не лежит в гипсе.

Слово не воробей. Вылетит — береги скворечник!

Лень — это подсознательная мудрость.

Чем удобряли, то и выросло.

Бесплатный сыр получает только вторая мышка…

Пришел — спасибо, ушел — большое спасибо…

И от доброго отца родится бешена овца.

У всякого праздника не без безобразника.

Милости прошу к нашему шалашу хлебать лапшу, а говядины после покрошу.

В каждой избушке свои погремушки.

Дурак с дураком водились, друг на друга дивились.

По моде: голова в комоде.

Голова с куль, а разума с нуль.

Целых два чина: дурак да дурачина.

Social Anxiety Disorder
is just S.A.D. if you think about it.

Me: Where are you babe?
Gf: I'm at the hospital.
Me: OMG, What happened?!
Gf: I'm a nurse...
Me: Oh....

To a great mind, nothing is little.
• Sherlock Holmes

Why couldn’t Dracula’s wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin.

Necrophilia: When you feel the urge to crack open a cold one.

My wife divorced me for religious reasons. She worshipped money and I didn’t have any!

Why did the people in the apartment below Dwayne Johnson never know what’s going on?

Because they lived under a rock.

I'll never forget the look on the cashiers face after she scanned the bird seed and I asked her, how long does it take for the bird to grow.

Если я буду таким, как все, то кто будет таким, как я?

My late wife was never punctual.......

Introverts of the world, Keep it to yourself!!!

How does a chicken leave its coop? By the eggsit.

What do you get when you mix elephants with kangaroos?
Earthquakes in Australia.

Ive just had a " Pelican pizza " at the local dominos restaurant, it was really tasty, but the fuckin Bill was enormous !!!!

Bill and Melinda Gates got divorced. Melinda got the house...
But Bill kept the Windows.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Customer: I'd like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please.
Vendor: Sorry, cash only.

My girlfriends just complained to me in bed tonight after having sex that I've got no morals...
I said ........
"Shhhh, you'll wake my wife and kids up.!!!!!"

What do we want?
A cure for obesity!
When do we want it?
After cake!!!!

Who put semen in the basement?
I don't know. That's just the way it's spelled.

Q. How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she was pregnant?
A. The kid stutters.

What's common between a good boyfriend and a lion?
They're both ready to eat you.

Как гласит древняя китайская мудрость, любую херню можно оправдать древней китайской мудростью.

I'm posing nude for an art class.
No one asked me to.
I think they're making ceramic bowls.

"The very existence of libraries affords the best evidence that we may yet have hope for the future of man."
~T.S. Eliot

I just heard the term "Toxic Positivity" and it feels so liberating to finally have a label for that vibe.

The postman left me a note to say my package was too large.

My wife disagrees.

Why can't you e-mail a photo to a Jedi?
Because attachments are forbidden.

Ever get to a point where you thought everything was pointless?

Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.

The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.

I'm at the doctors surgery and they don't know why I have this nasty rash on my balls.

Guess I'll wait for the Doctor, these other patients in the waiting room are fuckin clueless !!

Why did Mozart kill his chickens?

They were yelling "Bach Bach Bach Bach"

Why shouldn't you tell Bank Employees secrets?

Most of them are Tellers.

If you are rich, you are already 99% hot.

Do you realize every time you put your glasses on you make a spectacle of yourself?

I've been trying to give up innuendos, but it's really hard. Not sure I can pull it off

I've just heard the inventor of predictive text is I'll. I hope he gets we'll soon.

The trouble with doing nothing is...you can't stop to rest.

Went to a Cannibal wedding on Saturday.
It was all going well...
until they decided to toast the Bride and Groom.

I love the BBC’s programs about space and time. I hope they continuum.

I called my doctors surgery this morning.
"I need to make an appointment for as soon as possible," I said, "everything in my ear is echoing."
"Ok," she replied, "How does tomorrow sound?"
I said, "Morrow, orrow, row, ow."

How do chickens understand things? They use hencyclopedias.

People who have Only Fans should just invest in air conditioning.

What do you call shoe's made with banana's?
Slippers.

If you cry loudly enough, your boss will usually let you go home.

— Слава Богу, дозвонился.
— Какой Слава?

- Катя, а у тебя кто-то был до меня?
- Саша, ты что, дурак? Посмотри на часы. Пять утра! Все ещё спят!

I saw my ex this evening , to make a long story short
i was arrested .
Apparently i was only supposed to
I D the body not fuck it.

Asked my mate if he’d ever had a blow job, he said yes. I said what do they taste like?

What did the 2 rednecks say after breaking up?
Let's just be cousins.

Grand father talking with his grandson and says.
Son don't ever marry a woman with big hands.
The boy says,why grandpa?
Grandpa says, well son if she has big hands it will make your dick look small...