Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I'm recovering from my rugby addiction, but worrying about the knock on effects.

I said to my mate, "I was at a club last night and I got 3 phone numbers."

He said, "That's good!"

I said, "Not really. She wouldn't give me the other fuckin 8 numbers !!."

" If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry. "
~ Anton Chekhov

Police have issued an appeal after receiving complaints from farmers that their cows are being stolen during the night.
They're looking for a man with a big moo-stash.....

Мужчина прост — заглянет в лифчик, и целый час потом счастливчик.

I know a guy who dipped his testicles in glitter, pretty nuts huh?

Teacher: “If Shakespeare were alive today, what would he be most famous for?”

Pupil: “His Age.”

There is a special place in hell for people who are not ready to order when it's their turn.

I met a time travelling lycan yesterday...he was a when-wolf!

Если смотреть на вещи трезво, то очень хочется выпить...

I went into a fancy dress shop and asked the woman working there if they had any ghost costumes.
She said "We don't sell those, I'm afraid."
Silly woman. They're not *that* scary....

I took my grandma to the fish spa centre where little fish eat your dead skin for only
£20. It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

Pessimists of the world unite.....
not that it will do any good.

What did the pirate captain say when he caught his first mate hiding a rooster in his treasure chest?
**Get yer cock out of me booty!**

The teacher is thankful for the opportunity and accepts the job. One week later, to everyones shock the students of this special class have all developed an advanced vocabulary. The principal is curious about this sudden improvement and decides to drop by the class. This is what he sees:

Teacher: Kids, what comes first.

Students: BOOTY!

Teacher : And whats behind this booty?

Students : Another BOOTY!!!!

Teacher: And who is behind these two booties?

Students : ME!!!!

Teacher: And who is behind me?

Students : The entire country!!!!!!

The principal is perplexed. "Ok just what in the name of God is going on here ", he asks.

"Sir, they are learning to spell Assassination", replies the teacher.

What do you call making your booty clap for likes and upvotes?
Social netwerking.

Butt dialing and booty calling.
So similar. So different.

Fortunately my cat Whiskers did not win the feline booty contest...
We avoided a cat-ass-trophy.

This is the thing I don't understand about eating booty.
They say you shouldn't shit where you eat, but apparently it's okay to eat where you shit.

What is a necrophiliac pirate's favorite hobby?
Diggin' for booty.

My girlfriend asked me to 'eat the booty like groceries'.
But I'm on a glute-free diet.

What do you call a "booty call" when the girl makes the call?
A cock ring.

What do you call a cat with 8 Legs ?? Mating.

What’s a pirate and a pimp’s worst nightmare?
Sunken chest, and no booty.

Booty pics and golf are surprisingly similar, in that.
A hole in one is both rare and satisfying.

Why can’t a pirate go to a orgy?
Because he wants all the booty for himself.

I've been doing squats so I can get a big booty.
I have asspirations.

If there's a girl sitting in front of you with her ass crack showing and you drop Tic Tacs down there, what you call it?
Her-ass-mint.

Kim Kardashian is famous for having a big ass.
His name is Kanye West.

Little Johnny and his dad were going to buy a horse.Dad: Rubing on the horse’s chest and butt.Little Johnny: what are you doing? Dad: checking to see if the horse is healthy so I can buy it. Little Johnny: Oh well I think the mall man wants to buy mom.

Пасха - праздник, в который женщины меряются яйцами... в соц. сетях.

I went for my routine check up last week and everything was going great until the doctor stuck her finger up my butt. Should I look for a new dentist?

Man looks at his friend and says "if you and a friend go camping and you two get really drunk and in the morning you wake up with a condom in your butt would you tell anyone? " The friend says im a disgusted tone “No” So the man says “ok let’s go camping”

What do you call a guy whose hand is up a horse’s butt?
An Amish Mechanic.

Yo mama is so stupid she shoved two double A batteries up her butt and said, “ i’ve got the power “

What does the cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?
He wipes his butt.

2 old people sitting on a bench, one turns to the other and says, my butt fell asleep.
The other says, yep i heard it snore a couple of times.

What did one buttcheek say to the other buttcheek ?
Together we can stop this shit.

Someone butt dialed me again yesterday. It seems that only assholes want to speak to me.

Why did the bum get a slap ?
Because it was being to cheeky.

What medicine do you take when your butt hurts ?
ANSWER: assprin.

A big cat escaped it's cage at the zoo yesterday.
If I saw that I'd puma pants.

I bought 15 litres of Tipex the other day.

BIG MISTAKE!

If I had a time machine I'd go back to 900 A.D. and just scare the crap out of people with an electric toothbrush.

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team ?
Because she kept running away from the ball !

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a
Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked into a pub.
The bouncer says “Sorry.. I can’t let you in without a Thai”.

I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got
downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not
breathing!.
I panicked. I didn’t know what to do…………………
Then I remembered
Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.

Just said to the missus…”Hey fat gut..what do you want for Valentines Day”
She said “Don’t get f*cking lippy”
I said “Mascara it is then!”

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were
going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough….once she killed
herself
I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought…Sod it….soldier on

Мои дела идут хорошо. Только неизвестно куда.

I’m in trouble with the wife. We were in bed naked and she asked what I
would like to do most with her body.
Apparently “Identify it” wasn’t the right answer.

The local wig shop was broken into last night, they had to change all the locks.

I've decided I'm buying my wife a prosthetic leg for Christmas. It's not he actual gift, just a stocking filler.

Our church has a volunteer choir for the Summer whose members are not in the regular choir. They are called the “Summer Singers” because summer singers and some aren’t.

My son Luke loves how I named my kids after star wars characters.
My daughter Chewbacca not so much.

Spoke to some scientists who were studying the odder aspects of fog. They were mystified.

My new blonde girlfriend woke me up this morning and said "Hey, how about a early morning blowjob?"
I said, "You're crazy, you don't even have a penis." and rolled back to sleep.
Honestly , These blondes, thick as shit some of them.!!!

Бог конечно прощает всех, просто некоторых особо изощрённо.

—Amor, antes de dormir te quería recordar lo mucho que te amo.
—Yo también...
—¡YO TE AMO MÁS!
—Yo también me voy a dormir.
— :'(

La vida no se trata solo de encontrarte a ti mismo, sino también de crearte a ti mismo.

What did the Health Inspector say to his wife when he got home from work?
“Hi Jean!”

I had a dream I was a plumber. It was just a pipe dream.

Given the recent economic times, I've bought a bouncy castle in case the employment market takes a downturn.
It will give me something to fall back on.

What's got four legs and flies?
A dead horse.

I won $5,000,000 in the lottery last month and decided to give a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $4,999,999.75.

How do you titillate an ocelot ?

Oscillate its tits a lot .

I wonder if unscrewed lightbulbs feel delighted ?

Teacher: "Simon, can you spell your name backwards?"

Simon: "Nomis."

I tried to share a kebab with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night.
He told me to fuck off and buy my own.!!!

When do Buddists practice?
Every now and Zen😁

Two women were talking about their new milkman.

"He's very good looking, punctual and dresses so smartly" said one.

"And dresses so quickly too!" said the other.

A fish net is nothing more than a lot of little holes tied together.

What do you call 2 worms in love? Soilmates.

“Comrade Rabinowitz, why weren’t you present at the last meeting of the Communist Party?”
“No-one told me it would be the last one. If I had known that I would have come with my whole family.”

Question to Radio Armenia: “Is it possible to build Communism in a random capitalist country like, say, the Netherlands?”
Answer: “Of course it’s possible but what have the Netherlands ever done to you?”

What’s the definition of a Russian string quartet? A Soviet orchestra back from a US tour.

A regional Communist Party meeting is held to celebrate the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution. The Chairman gives a speech: “Dear comrades! Let’s look at the amazing achievements of our Party after the revolution. For example, Maria here, who was she before the revolution? An illiterate peasant; she had but one dress and no shoes. And now? She is an exemplary milkmaid known throughout the entire region. Or look at Ivan Andreev. He was the poorest man in this village; he had no horse, no cow, not even an axe. And now? He is a tractor driver with two pairs of shoes! Or Trofim Semenovich Alekseev – he was a nasty hooligan, a drunk, and a dirty gadabout. Nobody would trust him with as much as a snowdrift in wintertime, as he would steal anything he could get his hands on. And now he’s Secretary of the Party Committee!”

An American dog, a Polish dog and a Soviet dog sit together. The American dog says “In my country if you bark long enough, you will be heard and given some meat”. The Polish dog replies “What is ‘meat’?” The Soviet dog says “What is ‘bark’?”

A man is driving with his wife and small child. A militia man pulls them over and makes the man take a breathalyzer test. “See,” the militia man says, “you are drunk.” The man protests that the breathalyzer must be broken and invites the cop to test his wife. She also registers as drunk. Exasperated, the man invites the cop to test his child. When the child registers drunk as well, the cop shrugs, says, “Yes, perhaps it is broken,” and sends them on their way. Out of earshot the man tells his wife, “See, I told you it wouldn’t hurt to give the kid a couple shots of vodka.”

A worker standing in a liquor line says: “I have had enough, save my place, I am going to shoot Gorbachev.” Two hours later he returns to claim his place in line. His friends ask, “Did you get him?” “No, the line there was even longer than the line here.”