Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

If you have 10 apples in one hand and 10 apples in the other, what do you have?
Some big ass hands.

I knew my marriage was over when "'til death do us part" became less of a promise and more of an objective!

Right, this time I'm gonna try and go at least a month without any innuendos. Touch wood.

Two cannibals are enjoying dinner. One compliments the other: "I say, Bill, your wife makes a great meal!"

Вчера нашел свою вторую половинку, всю ночь мерял, не моя...

- Пааап, а мне сегодня сказали, что я невоспитанный!
- Надо было на хуй послать!

Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers.
– Voltaire

В женщине должна быть маленькая загадка, а не суперкроссворд и не ребус на две страницы.

Женщины никогда не прощают нам ошибок. А зачастую - и своих собственных.

In the word ‘laughter’, the letter L comes first.
The rest of the others come aughter it.

- Рабинович, вы служили в армии?
- Меня таки не взяли.
- Как не взяли?!
- Не нашли.

Bill and Melinda Gates just announced their divorce after 27 years of marriage. Unfortunately, she was tired of him being in the Office365 days a year, but at least he’ll have a new Outlook in life.

Why do some couples go to the gym? Because they want their relationship to work out.

17971
is a prime example
of a palindrome.

A man is like a shoelace.
He has to go through many holes
before he ties the knot.

What do lions wear while exercising?
Leotards.

Which Olympic sport generates the most conversation ?

Discus.

Is a bathroom still a bathroom if there is no bath in the room?

Huge sale at the tyre store, they're having a big blow out.

It never ceases to amaze me: we all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion than our own.
~Marcus Aurelius

Which way did the programmer go? He went data way.

I hate it when people say age is only a number.
Age is clearly a word!

When I was young I used to think I was a werewolf. But I am all right NHOOOOOOOW.

Shop customer to owner, "Hi, I'm Mrs Bell". Ah, replied the shop owner, "You must be the one who rang earlier".

"I recognise you, you're a member of the Denial Society." "No I'm not".

Mother hens show their chicks how to behave by setting a good eggsample.

What do you call a pea that's in a bad mood? Grumpy.

Для хорошего кота и в феврале март.

Взялся за зад - не говори, что не рад.

Взялся за грудь - скажи что-нибудь.

В здоровом теле - здоровый стул.

Баба с возу – волки сыты.

Любишь кататься — люби и катайся.

Тиха украинская ночь, но сало лучше перепрятать!

Не суйся в воду возле химзаводу.

Время лечит, но за деньги быстрее.

Кто поздно встаёт, тот у метро живёт.

Одна голова — хорошо, а две — уже некрасиво.

Чем больше шкаф – тем громче падает.

Заряженному танку в дуло не смотрят.

Дураки — не мамонты, сами не вымрут.

Кто не рискует, тот не лежит в гипсе.

Слово не воробей. Вылетит — береги скворечник!

Лень — это подсознательная мудрость.

Чем удобряли, то и выросло.

Бесплатный сыр получает только вторая мышка…

Пришел — спасибо, ушел — большое спасибо…

И от доброго отца родится бешена овца.

У всякого праздника не без безобразника.

Милости прошу к нашему шалашу хлебать лапшу, а говядины после покрошу.

В каждой избушке свои погремушки.

Дурак с дураком водились, друг на друга дивились.

По моде: голова в комоде.

Голова с куль, а разума с нуль.

Целых два чина: дурак да дурачина.

Social Anxiety Disorder
is just S.A.D. if you think about it.

Me: Where are you babe?
Gf: I'm at the hospital.
Me: OMG, What happened?!
Gf: I'm a nurse...
Me: Oh....

To a great mind, nothing is little.
• Sherlock Holmes

Why couldn’t Dracula’s wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin.

Necrophilia: When you feel the urge to crack open a cold one.

My wife divorced me for religious reasons. She worshipped money and I didn’t have any!

Why did the people in the apartment below Dwayne Johnson never know what’s going on?

Because they lived under a rock.

I'll never forget the look on the cashiers face after she scanned the bird seed and I asked her, how long does it take for the bird to grow.

Если я буду таким, как все, то кто будет таким, как я?

My late wife was never punctual.......

Introverts of the world, Keep it to yourself!!!

How does a chicken leave its coop? By the eggsit.

What do you get when you mix elephants with kangaroos?
Earthquakes in Australia.

Ive just had a " Pelican pizza " at the local dominos restaurant, it was really tasty, but the fuckin Bill was enormous !!!!

Bill and Melinda Gates got divorced. Melinda got the house...
But Bill kept the Windows.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Customer: I'd like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please.
Vendor: Sorry, cash only.

My girlfriends just complained to me in bed tonight after having sex that I've got no morals...
I said ........
"Shhhh, you'll wake my wife and kids up.!!!!!"

What do we want?
A cure for obesity!
When do we want it?
After cake!!!!

Who put semen in the basement?
I don't know. That's just the way it's spelled.

Q. How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she was pregnant?
A. The kid stutters.

What's common between a good boyfriend and a lion?
They're both ready to eat you.

Как гласит древняя китайская мудрость, любую херню можно оправдать древней китайской мудростью.

I'm posing nude for an art class.
No one asked me to.
I think they're making ceramic bowls.

"The very existence of libraries affords the best evidence that we may yet have hope for the future of man."
~T.S. Eliot