Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My girlfriends just complained to me in bed tonight after having sex that I've got no morals...
I said ........
"Shhhh, you'll wake my wife and kids up.!!!!!"

What do we want?
A cure for obesity!
When do we want it?
After cake!!!!

Who put semen in the basement?
I don't know. That's just the way it's spelled.

Q. How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she was pregnant?
A. The kid stutters.

What's common between a good boyfriend and a lion?
They're both ready to eat you.

Как гласит древняя китайская мудрость, любую херню можно оправдать древней китайской мудростью.

I'm posing nude for an art class.
No one asked me to.
I think they're making ceramic bowls.

"The very existence of libraries affords the best evidence that we may yet have hope for the future of man."
~T.S. Eliot

I just heard the term "Toxic Positivity" and it feels so liberating to finally have a label for that vibe.

The postman left me a note to say my package was too large.

My wife disagrees.

Why can't you e-mail a photo to a Jedi?
Because attachments are forbidden.

Ever get to a point where you thought everything was pointless?

Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.

The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.

I'm at the doctors surgery and they don't know why I have this nasty rash on my balls.

Guess I'll wait for the Doctor, these other patients in the waiting room are fuckin clueless !!

Why did Mozart kill his chickens?

They were yelling "Bach Bach Bach Bach"

Why shouldn't you tell Bank Employees secrets?

Most of them are Tellers.

If you are rich, you are already 99% hot.

Do you realize every time you put your glasses on you make a spectacle of yourself?

I've been trying to give up innuendos, but it's really hard. Not sure I can pull it off

I've just heard the inventor of predictive text is I'll. I hope he gets we'll soon.

The trouble with doing nothing is...you can't stop to rest.

Went to a Cannibal wedding on Saturday.
It was all going well...
until they decided to toast the Bride and Groom.

I love the BBC’s programs about space and time. I hope they continuum.

I called my doctors surgery this morning.
"I need to make an appointment for as soon as possible," I said, "everything in my ear is echoing."
"Ok," she replied, "How does tomorrow sound?"
I said, "Morrow, orrow, row, ow."

How do chickens understand things? They use hencyclopedias.

People who have Only Fans should just invest in air conditioning.

What do you call shoe's made with banana's?
Slippers.

If you cry loudly enough, your boss will usually let you go home.

— Слава Богу, дозвонился.
— Какой Слава?

- Катя, а у тебя кто-то был до меня?
- Саша, ты что, дурак? Посмотри на часы. Пять утра! Все ещё спят!

I saw my ex this evening , to make a long story short
i was arrested .
Apparently i was only supposed to
I D the body not fuck it.

Asked my mate if he’d ever had a blow job, he said yes. I said what do they taste like?

What did the 2 rednecks say after breaking up?
Let's just be cousins.

Grand father talking with his grandson and says.
Son don't ever marry a woman with big hands.
The boy says,why grandpa?
Grandpa says, well son if she has big hands it will make your dick look small...

A Jewish mother and her four year old walked along the beach when suddenly a gigantic wave rolled in, sweeping the little girl out to sea.

"Oh, G-d," lamented the mother, her face toward heaven. "This is my only baby, the love of my life. I’ve cherished every moment with her. Please, G-d! Bring her back to me and I'll go to synagogue every day!"

Suddenly, another gigantic wave rolled in and deposited the girl back on the sand, safe and sound. The mother looked up and said, " ... she had a hat on....”

Mr and Mrs Goldberg had just got married. On their way to their honeymoon, Mr Goldberg asked his new wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

She replied, "Darling, I would have married you no matter who had left you a fortune."

"Congratulations, Shlomo," said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back on this day and remember it as the happiest day of your life.''

"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," replied Moshe.

"I know," replied his uncle.

Today my rabbi knocked at my door asking for a small donation towards the local mikva. I gave him a glass of water.

Businessman Abe Greenberg phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer."

The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry Mr Greenberg, but he died last week."

The next day Abe phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day he calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "Mr Greenberg, I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy says, "It gives me such pleasure to hear you say that."

What's the difference between a Jewish mother-in-law and a Rottweiler? Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? Noah: he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? Pharaoh's daughter: she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a prophet.

Two Jewish women were sitting under hair dryers at the hairdresser. The first lady says, "So nu, how's your family?"

The second one responds, "Oh just fine. My daughter is married to the most wonderful man. She never has to cook; he always takes her out. She never has to clean; he got her a housekeeper. She never has to work; he's got such a good job. She never has to worry about the children, he got her a nanny."

She continues with a question to the first lady, "So how is your son these days?"

The first woman says, "Just awful. He is married to such a witch of a woman. She makes him take her out to dinner every night, she never cooks a dish. She made him get her a housekeeper, G-d forbid she should vacuum a carpet! He has to work like a dog because she won't get a job and she never takes care of their children, because she made him get her a nanny!"

A little Jewish boy was telling his mother about how he had won a part in a play that was being done at school.

His mother asked, "What is the part you will play, Saul?" Saul responded, "I shall play the Jewish husband," to which the mother replied, "Well, you go right back to that teacher and tell her that you want a SPEAKING part!"

Feinstein returned home from a business trip to discover that his wife had cheated on him
“Who was it?” he roared. “That bastard Wolf?”
“No,” replied his wife. “It wasn’t Wolf.”
“Was it Green, that creep?”
“No, it wasn’t him.”
“I know — it must have been that idiot Sherman.”
“No, it wasn’t Sherman, either.”
Feinstein was furious. “Whatsa matter?” he cried. “None of my friends is good enough for you?”

The rabbi was angry about the amount of money his congregants were giving to charity. He prayed that the rich should give more charity to the poor.
“And has your prayer been answered?” asked his wife.
“Half of it was,” replied the rabbi. “The poor are willing to accept the money.”

Shapiro walks into work one day at 9. He is very late The boss is furious. “You should have been here at 8:30!” he shouts.
“Why?” says Shapiro. “What happened at 8:30?”

At the funeral of the richest man in town, a stranger saw a woman crying very loudly. The stranger said, “Are you a relative of the deceased?”
“No.”
“Then why are you crying?”
“That’s why!”

How many Zionists does it take to replace a light bulb?
Four: One to stay home and convince others to do it, a second to donate the bulb, a third to screw it in and a fourth to proclaim that the entire Jewish people stands behind their actions.

Schwartz, an elderly man, is resting peacefully on the porch of his small hotel outside Boca when he sees a cloud of dust up the road. He walks out to see who could be approaching: It is a Southern farmer with a wagon.
“Good afternoon,” says Schwartz.
“Afternoon,” says the farmer.
“Where you headed?” asks Schwartz.
“Town.”
“What do you have in the wagon?”
“Manure.”
“Manure, eh? What do you do with it?”
“I spread it over the fruit.”
“Well,” says Bernstein, “you should come over here for lunch someday. We use sour cream.”

Three Jews who had recently converted to Christianity were having a drink together in a posh restaurant. They started talking about the reasons for their conversions.
“I converted out of love,” said the first. “Not for Christianity, but for a Christian girl. As you both know, my wife insisted that I convert.”
“And I,” said the second, “I converted in order to rise in the legal system. You probably know that my recent appointment as a federal judge may have had something to do with my new religion.”
The third man spoke up: “I converted because I think that the teachings of Christianity are superior to those of Judaism.”
“Are you kidding?” said the first man, spitting out his drink.
“What do you take us for, a couple of goyim?”

The census taker comes to the Goldman house.
“Does Louis Goldman live here?” he asks.
“No,” replies Goldman.
“Well, then, what is your name?”
“Louis Goldman.”
“Wait a minute–didn’t you just tell me that Goldman doesn’t live here?”
“Aha,” says Goldman. “You call this living?”

Two Jews are walking through a neighborhood one evening when they notice they are being followed by a pair of hoodlums.
“David,” say his friend, “we better get out of here. There are two of them, and we’re alone!”

A man in Chelm once thought up a riddle that nobody could answer: “What’s purple, hangs on the wall and whistles?”
When everybody gave up, he announced the answer: a white fish.
“A white fish?” people said. “A white fish isn’t purple.”
“Nu,” replied the jokester, “this white fish was painted purple.”
“But hanging on a wall? Who ever heard of a white fish that hung on a wall?”
“Aha! But this white fish was hung on the wall.”
“But a white fish doesn’t whistle,” somebody shouted.
“Nu, so it doesn’t whistle.”

Two men of Chelm went out for a walk, when suddenly it began to rain.
“Quick,” said one. “Open your umbrella.”
“It won’t help,” said his friend. “My umbrella is full of holes.”
“Then why did you bring it?”
“I didn’t think it would rain!”

A woman on a train walked up to a man across the table. “Excuse me,” she said, “but are you Jewish?”
“No,” replied the man.
A few minutes later the woman returned. “Excuse me,” she said again, “are you sure you’re not Jewish?”
“I’m sure,” said the man.
But the woman was not convinced, and a few minutes later she approached him a third time. “Are you absolutely sure you’re not Jewish?” she asked.
“All right, all right,” the man said. “You win. I’m Jewish.”
“That’s funny,” said the woman.” You don’t look Jewish.”

Schwartz is sitting in his room, wearing only a top hat, when Steinberg strolls in.
“Why are you sitting here naked?”
“It’s all right,” says Schwartz. “Nobody comes to visit.”
“But why the hat?”
“Maybe somebody will come.”

A cargo ship full of yo-yos hit an iceberg this week.
So far it’s sank 44 times!

I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated not to do anything.

What's the ideal weight of a mother-in-law?
1 to 2 lbs including the urn.

Q. How do men exercise at the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Ive just seen a man on a tractor shouting "Its the end of the world, its the end of the world!"
It was Farmer Geddon.!!!

Just when you think you knew all the possible text abrieviations, then there's these:
(_!_) a regular arse
(__!__) fat arse
(!) tight arse
(_*_) sore arse
(_o_) i took it up the arse
(_e=mc2_) smart arse
and my personal favourite
(_x_) kiss my arse! ...

"I'm Pete."
"I'm Peter."
"That's not a competition."

Me and my mate are so crap at pool that we played each other and we both lost .

My friend gave birth in her car on the way to the hospital and her husband named the kid Carson.

Just moved into my new flat.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.

I met a woman in a bar and took her home. We started getting busy and I think she wanted me to fuck her in the ear. Every time I tried to stick it in her mouth, she kept turning her head.

Anyone else think Pinocchios acting was a little wooden?

Is a passion for tea called 'infusiasm'?

I took this girl out for a meal last night, she had frog's legs and chicken breasts... but she had a fucking lovely personality, bless her!!

I told my friend how I found a woman tied to railway lines, i untied her and made love to her all day, my friend asked if I got a blow job, no I told him, I couldn’t find the head...

A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Sheldon! - All he wants is anal sex and my asshole is now the size of a 50 pence piece when it used to be the size of a 5 pence piece."
Mother says "You're married to a multi-millionaire business man, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get £2000 a week allowance, you take 6 holidays a year and you want to throw all that away for 45 pence ???!!"

"My dog's learning to speak a foreign language."
"Español?"
"No, he's a labrador."

I think my Iron may be broken.
That's my Pressing concern.

I'm having a charity event for people that struggle to orgasm.
Let me know if you can’t come.

Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Everything takes longer than you think.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
Corollary: If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.
If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
Every solution breeds new problems.

Truck deliveries that normally take one day will take five when you are waiting for the truck.
After adding two weeks to the schedule for unexpected delays, add two more for the unexpected, unexpected delays.
In any structure, pick out the one piece that should not be mismarked and expect the plant to cross you up.
Murphy's Law of Research: Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Murphy's Law of Copiers: The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance.
Murphy's Law of the Open Road: When there is a very long road upon which there is a one-way bridge placed at random, and there are only two cars on that road, it follows that: (1) the two cars are going in opposite directions, and (2) they will always meet at the bridge.
Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics: Things get worse under pressure.
Quantization Revision of Murphy's Laws: Everything goes wrong all at once.
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
The first myth of management is that it exists.
A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
New systems generate new problems.
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
Everything that goes up must come down.
Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.

Abbott's Admonitions:
If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.
Abrams's Advice: When eating an elephant, take one bite at a time.
Rule of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.
Corollary: Provided, of course, that you know there is a problem.
Acheson's Rule of the Bureaucracy: A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.
Acton's Law: Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Ade's Law: Anybody can win -- unless there happens to be a second entry.
Airplane Law: When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.
Alan's Law of Research: The theory is supported as long as the funds are.
Agnes Allen's Law: Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
Allen's Axiom: When all else fails, follow instructions.
Alley's Axiom: Justice always prevails . . . three times out of seven.
Anderson's Law: Any system or program, however complicated, if looked at in exactly the right way, will become even more complicated.
Law of Annoyance: When working on a project, if you put away a tool that you're certain you're finished with, you will need it instantly.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop.
Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first always strike your toes.
Laws of Applied Confusion: The one piece that the plant forgot to ship is the one that supports 75% of the balance of the shipment.
Corollary: Not only did the plant forget to ship it, 50% of the time they haven't even made it.
Approval Seeker's Law: Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least.
Army Axiom: Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.
Army Law: If it moves, salute it; if it doesn't move, pick it up; if you can't pick it up, paint it.
Ashley-Perry Statistical Axioms:
Numbers are tools, not rules.
Numbers are symbols for things; the number and the thing are not the same.
Skill in manipulating numbers is a talent, not evidence of divine guidance.
Like other occult techniques of divination, the statistical method has a private jargon deliberately contrived to obscure its methods from nonpractitioners.
The product of an arithmetical computation is the answer to an equation; it is not the solution to a problem.

Babcock's Law: If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it.
Bagdikian's Law of Editor's Speeches: The splendor of an editor's speech and the splendor of his newspaper are inversely related to the distance between the city in which he makes his speech and the city in which he publishes his paper.
Baker's Byroad: When you are over the hill, you pick up speed.
Baldy's Law: Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.
Barber's Laws of Backpacking:
The integral of the gravitational potential taken around any loop trail you chose to hike always comes out positive.
Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure.
The weight of your pack increases in direct proportion to the amount of food you consume from it. If you run out of food, the pack weight goes on increasing anyway.
The number of stones in your boot is directly proportional to the number of hours you have been on the trail.
The difficulty of finding any given trail marker is directly proportional to the importance of the consequences of failing to find it.
The size of each of the stones in your boot is directly proportional to the number of hours you have been on the trail.
The remaining distance to your chosen campsite remains constant as twilight approaches.
The net weight of your boots is proportional to the cube of the number of hours you have been on the trail.
When you arrive at your chosen campsite, it is full.
If you take your boots off, you'll never get them back on again.
The local density of mosquitos is inversely proportional to your remaining repellent.
Barrett's Laws of Driving:
The vehicle in front of you is traveling slower than you are.
This lane ends in 500 feet.
Barr's Comment on Domestic Tranquility: On a beautiful day like this it's hard to believe anyone can be unhappy -- but we'll work on it.
Barth's Distinction: There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't.
Bartz's Law of Hokey Horsepuckery: The more ridiculous a belief system, the higher the probability of its success.
Baruch's Rule for Determining Old Age: Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.
Forthoffer's Cynical Summary of Barzun's Laws:
That which has not yet been taught directly can never be taught directly.
If at first you don't succeed, you will never succeed.
Baxter's First Law: Government intervention in the free market always leads to a lower national standard of living.
Baxter's Second Law: The adoption of fractional gold reserves in a currency system always leads to depreciation, devaluation, demonetization and, ultimately, to complete destruction of that currency.
Baxter's Third Law: In a free market good money always drives bad money out of circulation.
Becker's Law: It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
Belle's Constant: The ratio of time involved in work to time available for work is usually about 0.6.
Benchley's Law: Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.
Berkeley's Laws:
The world is more complicated than most of our theories make it out to be.
Ignorance is no excuse.
Most problems have either many answers or no answer. Only a few problems have a single answer.
An answer may be wrong, right, both, or neither. Most answers are partly right and partly wrong.
A chain of reasoning is no stronger than its weakest link.
A statement may be true independently of illogical reasoning.
Most general statements are false, including this one.
An exception TESTS a rule; it NEVER PROVES it.
The moment you have worked out an answer, start checking it -- it probably isn't right.
If there is an opportunity to make a mistake, sooner or later the mistake will be made.
Being sure mistakes will occur is a good frame of mind for catching them.
Check the answer you have worked out once more -- before you tell it to anybody.
Estimating a figure may be enough to catch an error.
Figures calculated in a rush are very hot; they should be allowed to cool off a little before being used; thus we will have a reasonable time to think about the figures and catch mistakes.
A great many problems do not have accurate answers, but do have approximate answers, from which sensible decisions can be made.
Berra's Law: You can observe a lot just by watching.
Berson's Corollary of Inverse Distances: The farther away from the entrance that you have to park, the closer the space vacated by the car that pulls away as you walk up to the door.
Billings's Law: Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
Blaauw's Law: Established technology tends to persist in spite of new technology.
Blanchard's Newspaper Obituary Law: If you want your name spelled wrong, die.
Bok's Law: If you think education is expensive -- try ignorance.
Boling's Postulate: If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
Bolton's Law of Ascending Budgets: Under current practices, both expenditures and revenues rise to meet each other, no matter which one may be in excess.
Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Boob's Law: You always find something the last place you look.
Booker's Law: An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
Boozer's Revision: A bird in the hand is dead.
Boren's Laws of the Bureaucracy:
When in doubt, mumble.
When in trouble, delegate.
When in charge, ponder.
Borkowski's Law: You can't guard against the arbitrary.
Borstelmann's Rule: If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.
Boston's Irreversible Law of Clutter: In any household, junk accumulates to fill the space available for its storage.
Boultbee's Criterion: If the converse of a statement is absurd, the original statement is an insult to the intelligence and should never have been said.
Boyle's Laws:
When things are going well, someone will inevitably experiment detrimentally.
The deficiency will never show itself during the dry runs.
Information travels more surely to those with a lesser need to know.
An original idea can never emerge from committee in the original.
When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform perfectly.
The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by the paper clip of the overlying correspondence and go to file.
Success can be insured only by devising a defense against failure of the contingency plan.
Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects.
If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges.
The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting.
Talent in staff work or sales will recurringly be interpreted as managerial ability.
The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his subordinates' premonitions only during the postmortems.
Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce multiple interpretations.
On successive charts of the same organization the number of boxes will never decrease.
Branch's First Law of Crisis: The spirit of public service will rise, and the bureaucracy will multiply itself much faster, in time of grave national concern.
First Law of Bridge: It's always the partner's fault.
Brien's First Law: At some time in the life cycle of virtually every organization, its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out.
Broder's Law: Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
Brontosaurus Principle: Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them in relation to their environment and to their own physiology; when this occurs, they are an endangered species.
Brooks's Law: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
(Jerry) Brown's Law: Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.
(Sam) Brown's Law: Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
(Tony) Brown's Law of Business Success: Our customer's paperwork is profit. Our own paperwork is loss.
Bruce-Briggs's Law of Traffic: At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable.
Buchwald's Law: As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
Bucy's Law: Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
Bunuel's Law: Overdoing things is harmful in all cases, even when it comes to efficiency.
Bureaucratic Cop-Out: You should have seen it when *I* got it.
Burns's Balance: If the assumptions are wrong, the conclusions aren't likely to be very good.
Bustlin' Billy's Bogus Beliefs:
The organization of any program reflects the organization of the people who develop it.
There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", only a capitalist.
Anything is possible, but nothing is easy.
Capitalism can exist in one of only two states -- welfare or warfare.
I'd rather go whoring than warring.
History proves nothing.
There is nothing so unbecoming on the beach as a wet kilt.
A little humility is arrogance.
A lot of what appears to be progress is just so much technological rococo.
Butler's Law of Progress: All progress is based on a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income.
Bye's First Law of Model Railroading: Anytime you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults is proportional to the number of viewers.
Bye's Second Law of Model Railroading: The desire for modeling a prototype is inversely proportional to the decline of the prototype.