Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

- Папа, а неимущие чиновники бывают?
- Да, сынок, в налоговых декларациях…

A train bearing Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev and Gorbachev stops suddenly when the tracks run out. Each leader applies his own, unique solution. Lenin gathers workers and peasants from miles around and exhorts them to build more track. Stalin shoots the train crew when the train still doesn’t move. Khrushchev rehabilitates the dead crew and orders the tracks behind the train ripped up and relaid in front. Brezhnev pulls down the curtains and rocks back and forth, pretending the train is moving. And Gorbachev calls a rally in front of the locomotive, where he leads a chant: “No tracks! No tracks! No tracks!”

The regional KGB headquarters in Arkhangelsk suffered a major fire and was almost completely destroyed. Shortly after, a man called looking for help.

“I’m sorry, we can’t do anything,” said the receptionist. “The KGB has burnt down.”

Five minutes later, the receptionist received another call. “I’m sorry, we can’t help. The KGB has burnt down.”

Another five minutes passed, and the phone rang again. The receptionist recognised the voice as the man who’d twice called previously.

“Why do you keep calling? I told you that the KGB has burnt down.”

“I know. I just like hearing it.”

A schoolboy wrote in his weekly essay: “My cat just had seven kittens. They’re all communist.”

The following week, the boy wrote: “my cat’s kittens are all capitalist.”

The teacher called him up and asked him to explain the sudden change. “Last week, you said they were all communists!”

The boy nodded. “They were, but this week they all opened their eyes.”

A man walks into a shop. He asks the clerk, “You don’t have any meat?” The clerk says, “No, here we don’t have any fish. The shop that doesn’t have any meat is across the street.”

What flies undercover and causes much buzz in Russia? KGBees.

I recall getting stuck in ABBA's toilet. What a loo.

Cowboy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "ya know what I heard?"
Bartender says, "Cattle"

I once had a date with a Welsh girl.
She said, "Do you want to come back to mine?"
I said, "Yes,"
and spent the next 10 hours digging up coal.

When King Arthur was off looking for the Holy Grail, he had Guinevere fitted with a chastity belt with a small guillotine on it to stop anyone interfering with her while he was away. When he returns he asks all his knights to drop their trousers and the only one still with a cock is Lancelot. "Lancelot" he says, "You alone can I trust faithful friend. What shall we do with these traitors? Come man, speak up, have you lost your tongue?"

I found out today I have CDO. It’s like OCD, except the letters are in alphabetical order, like they should be.

When I was younger, I said to my dad: "Can I use the lawnmower to make some extra money?"
"Sure son, you go ahead".
So I sold it.

What kind of bird doesn’t know the words to their own song?
A hummingbird.

A mate's Dad died in a boating accident in Venice.
I offered my gondolances.

Do competitive origami artists fold under pressure?

Люблю пересматривать видео со свадьбой, но только задом наперед. Там я снимаю кольцо, сажусь в машину и уезжаю в закат.

Mental math:
It's the thought that counts!

If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out.

"A sensible man ought to find sufficient company in himself."
By Emily Brontë

Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that's draped in bacon. "A bacon tree! We're saved!" He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

If we have Singapore, shouldn't we have Speakapore too???

Two women are talking. One lady asks the other, "How did you meet your husband?" "I'm a pharmacist" she replies. "He came into the store to buy condoms and asked for XXXXXL" "Only after I married him did I realize that he stutters"

There's been a lot of changes in the past year, so the wife and I started going to marriage counselling.
"Look at you, sitting there in your short skirt, high heels and your fake boobs, it's disgusting."
"I am what I am," I replied.!!

Spiders are the only web developers that enjoy finding bugs.

Q: What season is it when you’re on a trampoline?
A: Springtime!

My wife greeted me on the doorstep this morning wearing a sexy see thru negligee !!!

I wouldn't of normally minded but she was just fucking coming home !!

Who invented the second telephone?

You know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's there !!??!!
Well that's how I lost my job as a gynaecologist !!

Есть только один способ изменить судьбу, но и он не работает.

- Какую максимальную скидку вы можете мне предложить?
- 100%. Вы ничего не платите, мы ничего не делаем.

My boss said to me: "Why do you come out in a rash when I give you your wages?"
I said: "It's because I'm allergic to peanuts!"

Apart from humans, the only animal that enjoys having sex is a dolphin.
I had to shag a LOT of animals to find that out.!!!

A young lady went to the doctor for a physical.
Afterwards, the doctor said, "You're in perfect health, except for those abrasions on your knees."
The woman replied, "Oh, those are carpet burns from having sex doggie-style."
The doctor asked, "Don't you know any other positions?"
She answered, "Yeah, but my dog doesn't!"

What do astronauts eat for dinner? Launch meat.

A man was apprehended on the high street for drinking the contents of a car battery.
Update: police have now charged him.

Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism.

Попав на необитаемый остров, очень стеснительный человек первую неделю купался в трусах.

My son asked me why I had him CIRCUMSISED , I said , because a woman will reach for anything that has 20 percent off.

Why does lightning shock people? Because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself.

The Mars Perseverance Rover just got a parking ticket.

The fine is astronomical.

I’m at that awkward stage between birth and death.

A man is in court charged with selling phoney anti-aging drugs. The judge says to him, "Have you been charged with this crime before?"
The man replies, "Yes sir, once before in 1846."!!

" Try to learn something about everything and everything about something "

~ Thomas Henry Huxley

My Doctor has advised me to start running.
I'm not ill or anything, I've been shagging his wife.!!

Harrison Ford has released a compilation of songs that are based on the Star Wars trilogy.
It's his first Solo album.

My dog polly has tics. I apologize in advance for discussing Polly tics on this site.

My wife is leaving me because she says I am obsessed with quizzes.
Is she:
a) Unfair
b) Overreacting
c) Out of her mind

Is it still considered underwear if you don't wear anything over it?

Running is the best way
to remind yourself how
much you love sitting.

I told my friend people keep asking me to purchase meat for them.
He said, “By mistake?”
I said, “Oh come on, not you as well!”

" Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it."

~ Confucius

I just completed the first day of my new job as a bartender in a strip club.
I've never worked so hard in my life!

Man goes up to his friend and hands him a limp, soggy sea creature.
His friend says "What's THIS - a dead octopus?"
And his friend says "Naw, it's the sick squid I owe you..."

My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.

My favorite teacher at school was Mrs Turtle.

Strange name but she tortoise well.

Somebody stopped me the other day in the shopping center and said "oh, sorry, I thought you were someone else"
To which I replied, "I am"

Никому не позволяй испортить твой день. Это твой день - испорти его сам!

Nice butts takes my breath away
I'm assmatic.

Two vampires got married, but they were always at each other's throats.

For every rich tea biscuit in our world, there are hundreds of ordinary biscuits living in poverty.

My mate Col got killed by a cabbage someone threw out an appartment window.Its now a criminal offence. Cols law.

What do you call an apology letter written in dots and dashes?
Remorse code.

Them: "Who's skull is that?"
Me: (raising it to my lips to take a drink) "A guy named Philip".
Them: "What's in it?"
Me: "Vodka and orange juice".
Them:
Me: "It's a Philip's head screw driver".

When do flowers become ghosts? When they've rose from the dead.

I put a DVD on eBay this morning.
I've just checked and it says that 6 people are watching it.
Fucking Bastards, you can't trust anyone nowadays !!

This morning, I lifted a sack full of electric bulbs
They were so light.

After only 10 years in practice, our dentist retired. He said he was tired of the hole boring business. Said he didn’t want a career working in a filling station all day. We gave him a big plaque. He and his wife, Flossy, moved to Florida.

Если быстро-быстро есть торт, то фитнес-браслет похвалит за бодрую прогулку.

How did King Tut make all his money? From a pyramid scheme...

ISIS captured Fidel Castro's proctologist because he had been infidel.

Did you hear the joke about paper? It’s tearable!

Why is my credit so bad? I get letters from all of my creditors each month telling me my balance is outstanding.

My neighbor is a musician who is currently serving time in jail. His wife is waiting for his next release.

Summoned for a brain transplant... What if I change my mind?

A trigonometry book has been discovered on the planet Mars. Unfortunately, there were no other sines of life.

My mate Dave’s wife, Julie said to him yesterday “Our new neighbour always kisses his wife when he goes to work, why don't you do that?”

“How can I?” said Dave “I’ve never met the woman”

Microwaves be like.
Here's your hot bowl of cold spaghetti you fat fuck.

Microwaves be like.
Here's your hot bowl of cold spaghetti you fat fuck.

I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet.

"Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice."
By William Shakespeare, Hamlet