Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

-Eleanor Roosevelt

When I die, I'd like the word 'Humble' to be written on my statue.

I don’t understand why I can't lose weight.

I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

My wife dated a clown before she started going out with me.

I had some pretty big shoes to fill.

My mom taught me to “work until your bank account balance looks like a phone number.”

Does $9.11 count?

Sometimes you have to hug the people you don't like so you know how big to dig the hole in your backyard.

Two ducks are crossing the road in Belfast. One duck says: “Quack”. The other duck replies: “I’m goin’ as quack as I can”!

I'm addicted to oxygen. I tried to stop, but within a minute I was feeling blue.

Librarian: Why are you trying to locate the creator of Scrabble?
Me: I just need a word with him.

Why did the banana stay the night at his friends house? He was slipping over.

As we say in Newcastle, Once you've heard one Kajagoogoo song you've heard Limahl.

This bloke stopped me in the village today and said..
"What a lovely part of the country you live in, have you lived here all your life"..?
I said... "No not yet"...

A semicolon got arrested.

It got 2 back to back sentences.

That awkward silence when prison inmates are playing monopoly and somebody picks up the 'get out of jail free' card.

Why didn’t the dog want to wrestle??

He was a boxer.

Birthday gifts are rewards for not dying this year.

When one door opens , another one closes.

Other than that , it's a good car .

What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?
A woolly jumper.

How do you transport a gravely ill Pig?
In a hambulance!

The piñata was a hit at the party.

Did you hear about the chap who took hay to bed to feed his nightmares?

Who needs drugs when you can be delirious from going 48 hours without sleep?

My wife doesn't think I'm handy enough to change out a light switch.

Well she's in for a shock!

I saw a poster that said, “Have you seen my cat?”
I rang the number and told them I haven’t.
I like to help where I can.

A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.

The most gullible chemical element is easily lead.

There was an insect flying about in my office this afternoon. He flew in the window, and had a good snoop around.
I had asked him what he was up to, but he looked very uncomfortable and refused to answer my questions before making his excuses and flying out of the window again.
I suspect he was the cagey bee.

I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet.
I get hungry.

Never take a crash course in driving.

" Poetry is just the evidence of life. If your life is burning well, poetry is just the ash."

By Leonard Cohen

" In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life:
it goes on . "

• Robert Frost

I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights were too heavy.

I've just handed in my too weak notice.

Не делайте никому зла,ибо зло вам вернётся. Делайте добро,оно не возвращается никогда.

Q. why did the hedgehog cross the road?
A. To see his flat mate

I confess that I eat ice cream right out of the carton. But if I don’t like it, I put it right back in he grocer’s freezer.

What do you call
a female peacock ...

A peacunt .

—Abuelo, ¿viste mis drogas en la mesa?

—No, pero vi unos dragones en la cocina.

If sex with three people is a threesome and sex with four people is a foursome, now you know why everybody calls you handsome!

A Chinese couple were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary. The wife said, "For anniversary, you can have anything you want... anything!" The husband replied with lust in his eye, "Ah! I want a 69!" To which his wife responded, "69!??" He reiterated now leering at her, "That's right, 69!" She said, "You want a pork and rice!"

Just read a book on Stockholm Syndrome. Started off terribly, but thought it was great by the time I finished it.

Teacher asked a little kid "how old is your dad"?
Kid - "6 years old Miss"
Teacher - how can he be 6 years old?

Kid- he became a dad when I was born. 😎

Why hamburgers are called hamburgers if theyre made of beef?

I went to the local video shop and asked if I could borrow Batman Forever.

They said no, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow.

"It is not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well."

• René Descartes

Astronomers have detected an asteroid 5280 feet long-it's a milestone discovery.

Just got a letter from Screw Fix Direct this morning thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency!!

Just deleted all the German names off my mobile phone.

Now I'm completly Hans free !!!

I've just finished reading the Kama Sutra.....and I have to say its left me in a very awkward position !!!

One cow : " I got artificially inseminated this morning, you know."
Other cow : "No way ! "
First cow : "Yeah, straight up - no bull ."

A lion goes into a restaurant and asks to see the menu. After perusing it for a while he says ‘To start with, I’ll have the garlic mushrooms’.
He then goes back to perusing the menu. To try and hurry him up the waiter says ‘And for the main?’
‘Oh, just a comb’ replies the lion.

Confidence whispers. Insecurity screams.

I once asked my mother if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

"If you are born poor, it is not your mistake. But if you die poor, it's your fault. "

-Bill Gates

I just saw some idiot at the gym.

He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

Despite the recent rises in the cost of living...
it still remains very popular!

My wife came home the other day and said,
"What's different about me?"
I said,
"I don't know - what is the difference?
Have you had your hair done?" She said, "No." I said, "Have you got a new dress on?"
She said, "No!" I said, "Have you got a new pair of shoes?"
She said, "No!"I said, "Well what is it? What's different?"
She said, "I'm wearing a fucking gas mask!"

A woman weightlifter goes to the doc's:
"I've been taking steroids, & now I've grown a cock"
"ANABOLIC!!!???!!!" says the Doctor
"No just a cock" She says..!!

The reason males masturbate more than females is because female masturbation is more sophisticated. While male masturbation is manual, female masturbation is digital.

Did you hear about the cowgirl who got fired because she couldn't keep her calves together ?

A traveling salesman broke down near a farmhouse.
He goes to the door and the farmer says, "You can stay the night, but don't be touching my handsome, young sons."
The salesman groans, "Ohhh... I'm in the wrong joke."

Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says
“I think we got this joke wrong”

CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it'll work again.

Либо ты съедаешь самца после секса, либо потом всю жизнь варишь ему борщи.

Waitress: Do you wanna box for that?
Me: No, but I'll wrestle you for it.

Just spent ages waxing my car !!

Still not sure how it gets that hairy !!

Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better...

I knew a lawyer named Sue.
She went to court alot.

I just bumped into my sexy neighbour.
She said, "How's your little one, getting big I expect?"I said, "Yep, it sure is bulging, it must be the tight tops and short denim skirt your wearing"

Why did the lighthouse keeper ring the police? There was an emerging sea.

These "energy saving" light-bulbs are bullshit.
They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones!

I was approached by a member of Greenpeace in the street the other day and he told me that if I don't donate £2 a month then people in Africa will die.

I can't believe Greenpeace employ such violent people.

I took a urine test at the doctor’s office yesterday.
Man, my kleptomania is out of control!

"1-2-3! Here I come ready or not!".
"You're the worst lover ever" moaned my girlfriend "You could at least try and wait til I'm undressed"

Had an interview for the Royal Navy..

Officer: Can you swim?

Me: Why? Have you got no boats!?

Dougal was a typical Scot. His wife Janet had just died and he wanted to place the least expensive death notice. He went to the newspaper office and wrote on the lodgement from, "Janet died."
The clerk explained that there was a minimum charge and he could have five words. Dougal added three more words:
"Janet died, Toyota for sale."

I love the Welsh summer, apparently this year it’s on a Tuesday...

I asked my girlfriend what her favourite Rod Stewart song was.
She said “I don’t want to talk about it.” So I changed the subject.

Just been to the in-laws where I let out the loudest fart. The wife shook her head and said " Mark,, how can you do that in front of my mum" " Sorry" I replied " I didnt know it was her turn"

If you open a Chinese fortune cookie and there’s no fortune in it is that a misfortune?