Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What do you call a smart sun?
Bright.

I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane. We’re currently filming the pilot.

What do judges wear?
Lawsuits.

I think trigonometry is a sin, cos eventually you will start to worship the fallen angle they call sa-tan.

I was in a restaurant last night and i called the waiter over, i said "there's a worm in my pie" , the Waiter said " i think you"ll find that its just fat" , i said " its entitled to be fuckin fat , its eaten all the fuckin meat!!

My wife called me up to the bedroom earlier, "look what I've found in a cupboard, crotchless panties" she said as she modelled them seductively.
I didn't have the heart to tell the fat fucker it was one of my vests !!!

"Wyoming"

The "w" is definitely silent.

Why do ducks have flat feet? From stomping out forest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? From stomping out burning ducks.

They dont play cards on the ship when the captain is standing on the deck.

The difference between a Zoo and a Museum is a matter of life and death.

Can't wait 'til I'm old enough to pretend I can't hear.

Kid just asked me: “What is bacteria?”

I said: "It’s the place at the rear of a cafeteria". ☺️

Ничто так не красит яйца на Пасху, как губная помада.

Дети — это всегда хорошо. Когда они малы, есть кем командовать. А когда вырастают, есть с кем выпить.

— Почему тут палёной резиной пахнет? — Потому, что ребята жгут жгут. — Что жгут? — Жгут жгут.

Saw my son crying..

Me: What's the Matter?
Son: Anything that occupies space and has mass. Huhuhu

Recent studies show that 43% of women have used vibrators.
From this we can conclude that the other 57% bought theirs new.

3 men in a cafe, furiously wanking.
Waitress comes over and says "What the hell are you doing"?.
One of them points to a sign which reads-
-
FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED !

Just home from the World Blindfold Wanking Championship.
No idea where I came.

The first rule of Wank Club is, never shake hands with another member of Wank Club.

My mum walked in my room & said

"You'll go blind if you do that"

I was so embarrassed, I dropped my binoculars & missed the eclipse.

I went to see a palm reader and she took my hand and said, "I see that you masturbate."

"Sorry," I said, "I probably should have wiped that off."

It's a little known fact, that in the 1980s statistically girls called Eileen spent more on dry cleaning than girls with any other name.

In my day a selfie was, what you did when your wife wasn't in the mood.

My family were so poor when i was a child that if i didn't wake up on Christmas morning with a hard on.

I had nothing to play with.....

Stevie Wonder -7 kids
David Blunkett - 5 kids
Ray Charles - 12 kids

I think it's safe to say it's not wanking that makes you blind.

When I was young I went to a palm reader. She looked at my hand and said: You have been masturbating.

I said: Hey you are good. Can you tell me anything about my future?

She looked at my face and said: You will be masturbating for a long time.

New year's resolution - give up smoking and wanking.

It'll be tough because since I was 14, I've been a 40-a-day guy. I smoke a fair bit too.

When I found out that men get paid £60 every time they donate their sperm, it made me angry to think about all that money I've let slip through my fingers.

A father and son are watching TV together when a sex scene comes on.
'Well son, time for bed now' the father says
'But Dad, I'm 15 now' the son complains
The father replies 'I don't care how old you are you are not watching me masturbate'

Apparently Wi-Fi laptops can damage your sperm.

In my experience, not as much as sperm can damage your Wi-Fi laptop.

Masturbation is so much easier for kids these days.. I remember having to wait for the Littlewoods catalogue, sneakily smuggle it into the bathroom and find the lingerie section.

Nowadays, the internet makes it so much easier!

I just open up my browser and go to www.littlewoods.com

I went to the sperm clinic today, the receptionist asked if I would like to masturbate in the cup...

I said, "I'm good, but I'm not sure I'm ready for competition."

Daily Mail online: "Masturbation may help prevent the common cold."
Hope so, I've got no tissues left.

What is the most sensitive part of a mans anatomy while he’s masturbating? – His ears.

What do lezbians do when they have a problem ?
They finger it out.

What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef stroganoff.

Boy goes to Confession Boy " What are you doing father" Priest “Its called masturbation and soon you will be doing it" Boy " Why do you say that father" Priest " Cause my hand is getting tired”

Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
A: So she can moan with the other.

So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was “Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!”

If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand ?

The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.

If anybody has any tips on how to prevent burglary my door is always open.

I went to the doctors yesterday and told him that every time I cough, I hear words like knight, bishop, pawn and queen .
He said I had a chess infection.

I tried to become a doctor but it didn’t work out. I’m not sure if it was because I didn’t have enough patients or patience.

If a person that speaks sign language gives you a hand job would it be considered a blow job?

"Mummy, Mummy, I found Daddy!"
"How often do I have to tell you not to dig around in the garden!"

Did you hear about the Nun who never bathed? She had a filthy disgusting habit.

'Waiter, what soup is this?'
'It's bean soup, sir'
'I don't care what it's been. What is it now?'

I thought that doing research on pigs would be interesting, but after a while, it became a real boar.

"The tears of the world are a constant quantity.For each one who begins to weep somewhere else another stops.The same is true of laugh."
~ Samuel Beckett Waiting for Godot

—Hijo, traes los ojos rojos.
—Esta bien, lo confieso, fumé marihuana.
—A mí no me engañas pendejo, estabas llorando por la puta de tu ex.

My wife just said our Garden needs Brightening up..
So I've just planted some Bulbs..

I was recently visited by a childhood friend and his new fiance. As the night got late she finally said "Come on Cowboy, let's head back to the hotel."
My friend leaned over and explained, "She calls me Cowboy 'cause I'm from Texas."
Without pausing at all she stated firmly "No, I call him Cowboy because he thinks 8 seconds is a good ride."

My friend will be interviewing for a job as a carpenter...
I hope he nails it.

Things that make women emotional: 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything

I'm recovering from my rugby addiction, but worrying about the knock on effects.

I said to my mate, "I was at a club last night and I got 3 phone numbers."

He said, "That's good!"

I said, "Not really. She wouldn't give me the other fuckin 8 numbers !!."

" If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry. "
~ Anton Chekhov

Police have issued an appeal after receiving complaints from farmers that their cows are being stolen during the night.
They're looking for a man with a big moo-stash.....

Мужчина прост — заглянет в лифчик, и целый час потом счастливчик.

I know a guy who dipped his testicles in glitter, pretty nuts huh?

Teacher: “If Shakespeare were alive today, what would he be most famous for?”

Pupil: “His Age.”

There is a special place in hell for people who are not ready to order when it's their turn.

I met a time travelling lycan yesterday...he was a when-wolf!

Если смотреть на вещи трезво, то очень хочется выпить...

I went into a fancy dress shop and asked the woman working there if they had any ghost costumes.
She said "We don't sell those, I'm afraid."
Silly woman. They're not *that* scary....

I took my grandma to the fish spa centre where little fish eat your dead skin for only
£20. It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

Pessimists of the world unite.....
not that it will do any good.

What did the pirate captain say when he caught his first mate hiding a rooster in his treasure chest?
**Get yer cock out of me booty!**

The teacher is thankful for the opportunity and accepts the job. One week later, to everyones shock the students of this special class have all developed an advanced vocabulary. The principal is curious about this sudden improvement and decides to drop by the class. This is what he sees:

Teacher: Kids, what comes first.

Students: BOOTY!

Teacher : And whats behind this booty?

Students : Another BOOTY!!!!

Teacher: And who is behind these two booties?

Students : ME!!!!

Teacher: And who is behind me?

Students : The entire country!!!!!!

The principal is perplexed. "Ok just what in the name of God is going on here ", he asks.

"Sir, they are learning to spell Assassination", replies the teacher.

What do you call making your booty clap for likes and upvotes?
Social netwerking.

Butt dialing and booty calling.
So similar. So different.

Fortunately my cat Whiskers did not win the feline booty contest...
We avoided a cat-ass-trophy.

This is the thing I don't understand about eating booty.
They say you shouldn't shit where you eat, but apparently it's okay to eat where you shit.

What is a necrophiliac pirate's favorite hobby?
Diggin' for booty.

My girlfriend asked me to 'eat the booty like groceries'.
But I'm on a glute-free diet.

What do you call a "booty call" when the girl makes the call?
A cock ring.

What do you call a cat with 8 Legs ?? Mating.

What’s a pirate and a pimp’s worst nightmare?
Sunken chest, and no booty.