Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What did the Health Inspector say to his wife when he got home from work?
“Hi Jean!”

I had a dream I was a plumber. It was just a pipe dream.

Given the recent economic times, I've bought a bouncy castle in case the employment market takes a downturn.
It will give me something to fall back on.

What's got four legs and flies?
A dead horse.

I won $5,000,000 in the lottery last month and decided to give a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $4,999,999.75.

How do you titillate an ocelot ?

Oscillate its tits a lot .

I wonder if unscrewed lightbulbs feel delighted ?

Teacher: "Simon, can you spell your name backwards?"

Simon: "Nomis."

I tried to share a kebab with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night.
He told me to fuck off and buy my own.!!!

When do Buddists practice?
Every now and Zen😁

Two women were talking about their new milkman.

"He's very good looking, punctual and dresses so smartly" said one.

"And dresses so quickly too!" said the other.

A fish net is nothing more than a lot of little holes tied together.

What do you call 2 worms in love? Soilmates.

“Comrade Rabinowitz, why weren’t you present at the last meeting of the Communist Party?”
“No-one told me it would be the last one. If I had known that I would have come with my whole family.”

Question to Radio Armenia: “Is it possible to build Communism in a random capitalist country like, say, the Netherlands?”
Answer: “Of course it’s possible but what have the Netherlands ever done to you?”

What’s the definition of a Russian string quartet? A Soviet orchestra back from a US tour.

A regional Communist Party meeting is held to celebrate the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution. The Chairman gives a speech: “Dear comrades! Let’s look at the amazing achievements of our Party after the revolution. For example, Maria here, who was she before the revolution? An illiterate peasant; she had but one dress and no shoes. And now? She is an exemplary milkmaid known throughout the entire region. Or look at Ivan Andreev. He was the poorest man in this village; he had no horse, no cow, not even an axe. And now? He is a tractor driver with two pairs of shoes! Or Trofim Semenovich Alekseev – he was a nasty hooligan, a drunk, and a dirty gadabout. Nobody would trust him with as much as a snowdrift in wintertime, as he would steal anything he could get his hands on. And now he’s Secretary of the Party Committee!”

An American dog, a Polish dog and a Soviet dog sit together. The American dog says “In my country if you bark long enough, you will be heard and given some meat”. The Polish dog replies “What is ‘meat’?” The Soviet dog says “What is ‘bark’?”

A man is driving with his wife and small child. A militia man pulls them over and makes the man take a breathalyzer test. “See,” the militia man says, “you are drunk.” The man protests that the breathalyzer must be broken and invites the cop to test his wife. She also registers as drunk. Exasperated, the man invites the cop to test his child. When the child registers drunk as well, the cop shrugs, says, “Yes, perhaps it is broken,” and sends them on their way. Out of earshot the man tells his wife, “See, I told you it wouldn’t hurt to give the kid a couple shots of vodka.”

A worker standing in a liquor line says: “I have had enough, save my place, I am going to shoot Gorbachev.” Two hours later he returns to claim his place in line. His friends ask, “Did you get him?” “No, the line there was even longer than the line here.”

An American explains to a Russian that the United States is a truly free country because he can stand in front of the White House and shout “To hell with Ronald Reagan!” The Russian says that this is nonsense because he can easily stand in Red Square and shout “To hell with Ronald Reagan.”

- Папа, а неимущие чиновники бывают?
- Да, сынок, в налоговых декларациях…

A train bearing Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev and Gorbachev stops suddenly when the tracks run out. Each leader applies his own, unique solution. Lenin gathers workers and peasants from miles around and exhorts them to build more track. Stalin shoots the train crew when the train still doesn’t move. Khrushchev rehabilitates the dead crew and orders the tracks behind the train ripped up and relaid in front. Brezhnev pulls down the curtains and rocks back and forth, pretending the train is moving. And Gorbachev calls a rally in front of the locomotive, where he leads a chant: “No tracks! No tracks! No tracks!”

The regional KGB headquarters in Arkhangelsk suffered a major fire and was almost completely destroyed. Shortly after, a man called looking for help.

“I’m sorry, we can’t do anything,” said the receptionist. “The KGB has burnt down.”

Five minutes later, the receptionist received another call. “I’m sorry, we can’t help. The KGB has burnt down.”

Another five minutes passed, and the phone rang again. The receptionist recognised the voice as the man who’d twice called previously.

“Why do you keep calling? I told you that the KGB has burnt down.”

“I know. I just like hearing it.”

A schoolboy wrote in his weekly essay: “My cat just had seven kittens. They’re all communist.”

The following week, the boy wrote: “my cat’s kittens are all capitalist.”

The teacher called him up and asked him to explain the sudden change. “Last week, you said they were all communists!”

The boy nodded. “They were, but this week they all opened their eyes.”

A man walks into a shop. He asks the clerk, “You don’t have any meat?” The clerk says, “No, here we don’t have any fish. The shop that doesn’t have any meat is across the street.”

What flies undercover and causes much buzz in Russia? KGBees.

I recall getting stuck in ABBA's toilet. What a loo.

Cowboy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "ya know what I heard?"
Bartender says, "Cattle"

I once had a date with a Welsh girl.
She said, "Do you want to come back to mine?"
I said, "Yes,"
and spent the next 10 hours digging up coal.

When King Arthur was off looking for the Holy Grail, he had Guinevere fitted with a chastity belt with a small guillotine on it to stop anyone interfering with her while he was away. When he returns he asks all his knights to drop their trousers and the only one still with a cock is Lancelot. "Lancelot" he says, "You alone can I trust faithful friend. What shall we do with these traitors? Come man, speak up, have you lost your tongue?"

I found out today I have CDO. It’s like OCD, except the letters are in alphabetical order, like they should be.

When I was younger, I said to my dad: "Can I use the lawnmower to make some extra money?"
"Sure son, you go ahead".
So I sold it.

What kind of bird doesn’t know the words to their own song?
A hummingbird.

A mate's Dad died in a boating accident in Venice.
I offered my gondolances.

Do competitive origami artists fold under pressure?

Люблю пересматривать видео со свадьбой, но только задом наперед. Там я снимаю кольцо, сажусь в машину и уезжаю в закат.

Mental math:
It's the thought that counts!

If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out.

"A sensible man ought to find sufficient company in himself."
By Emily Brontë

Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that's draped in bacon. "A bacon tree! We're saved!" He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

If we have Singapore, shouldn't we have Speakapore too???

Two women are talking. One lady asks the other, "How did you meet your husband?" "I'm a pharmacist" she replies. "He came into the store to buy condoms and asked for XXXXXL" "Only after I married him did I realize that he stutters"

There's been a lot of changes in the past year, so the wife and I started going to marriage counselling.
"Look at you, sitting there in your short skirt, high heels and your fake boobs, it's disgusting."
"I am what I am," I replied.!!

Spiders are the only web developers that enjoy finding bugs.

Q: What season is it when you’re on a trampoline?
A: Springtime!

My wife greeted me on the doorstep this morning wearing a sexy see thru negligee !!!

I wouldn't of normally minded but she was just fucking coming home !!

Who invented the second telephone?

You know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's there !!??!!
Well that's how I lost my job as a gynaecologist !!

Есть только один способ изменить судьбу, но и он не работает.

- Какую максимальную скидку вы можете мне предложить?
- 100%. Вы ничего не платите, мы ничего не делаем.

My boss said to me: "Why do you come out in a rash when I give you your wages?"
I said: "It's because I'm allergic to peanuts!"

Apart from humans, the only animal that enjoys having sex is a dolphin.
I had to shag a LOT of animals to find that out.!!!

A young lady went to the doctor for a physical.
Afterwards, the doctor said, "You're in perfect health, except for those abrasions on your knees."
The woman replied, "Oh, those are carpet burns from having sex doggie-style."
The doctor asked, "Don't you know any other positions?"
She answered, "Yeah, but my dog doesn't!"

What do astronauts eat for dinner? Launch meat.

A man was apprehended on the high street for drinking the contents of a car battery.
Update: police have now charged him.

Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism.

Попав на необитаемый остров, очень стеснительный человек первую неделю купался в трусах.

My son asked me why I had him CIRCUMSISED , I said , because a woman will reach for anything that has 20 percent off.

Why does lightning shock people? Because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself.

The Mars Perseverance Rover just got a parking ticket.

The fine is astronomical.

I’m at that awkward stage between birth and death.

A man is in court charged with selling phoney anti-aging drugs. The judge says to him, "Have you been charged with this crime before?"
The man replies, "Yes sir, once before in 1846."!!

" Try to learn something about everything and everything about something "

~ Thomas Henry Huxley

My Doctor has advised me to start running.
I'm not ill or anything, I've been shagging his wife.!!

Harrison Ford has released a compilation of songs that are based on the Star Wars trilogy.
It's his first Solo album.

My dog polly has tics. I apologize in advance for discussing Polly tics on this site.

My wife is leaving me because she says I am obsessed with quizzes.
Is she:
a) Unfair
b) Overreacting
c) Out of her mind

Is it still considered underwear if you don't wear anything over it?

Running is the best way
to remind yourself how
much you love sitting.

I told my friend people keep asking me to purchase meat for them.
He said, “By mistake?”
I said, “Oh come on, not you as well!”

" Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it."

~ Confucius

I just completed the first day of my new job as a bartender in a strip club.
I've never worked so hard in my life!

Man goes up to his friend and hands him a limp, soggy sea creature.
His friend says "What's THIS - a dead octopus?"
And his friend says "Naw, it's the sick squid I owe you..."

My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.

My favorite teacher at school was Mrs Turtle.

Strange name but she tortoise well.

Somebody stopped me the other day in the shopping center and said "oh, sorry, I thought you were someone else"
To which I replied, "I am"

Никому не позволяй испортить твой день. Это твой день - испорти его сам!

Nice butts takes my breath away
I'm assmatic.

Two vampires got married, but they were always at each other's throats.