Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef stroganoff.

Boy goes to Confession Boy " What are you doing father" Priest “Its called masturbation and soon you will be doing it" Boy " Why do you say that father" Priest " Cause my hand is getting tired”

Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
A: So she can moan with the other.

So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was “Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!”

If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand ?

The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.

If anybody has any tips on how to prevent burglary my door is always open.

I went to the doctors yesterday and told him that every time I cough, I hear words like knight, bishop, pawn and queen .
He said I had a chess infection.

I tried to become a doctor but it didn’t work out. I’m not sure if it was because I didn’t have enough patients or patience.

If a person that speaks sign language gives you a hand job would it be considered a blow job?

"Mummy, Mummy, I found Daddy!"
"How often do I have to tell you not to dig around in the garden!"

Did you hear about the Nun who never bathed? She had a filthy disgusting habit.

'Waiter, what soup is this?'
'It's bean soup, sir'
'I don't care what it's been. What is it now?'

I thought that doing research on pigs would be interesting, but after a while, it became a real boar.

"The tears of the world are a constant quantity.For each one who begins to weep somewhere else another stops.The same is true of laugh."
~ Samuel Beckett Waiting for Godot

—Hijo, traes los ojos rojos.
—Esta bien, lo confieso, fumé marihuana.
—A mí no me engañas pendejo, estabas llorando por la puta de tu ex.

My wife just said our Garden needs Brightening up..
So I've just planted some Bulbs..

I was recently visited by a childhood friend and his new fiance. As the night got late she finally said "Come on Cowboy, let's head back to the hotel."
My friend leaned over and explained, "She calls me Cowboy 'cause I'm from Texas."
Without pausing at all she stated firmly "No, I call him Cowboy because he thinks 8 seconds is a good ride."

My friend will be interviewing for a job as a carpenter...
I hope he nails it.

Things that make women emotional: 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything

I'm recovering from my rugby addiction, but worrying about the knock on effects.

I said to my mate, "I was at a club last night and I got 3 phone numbers."

He said, "That's good!"

I said, "Not really. She wouldn't give me the other fuckin 8 numbers !!."

" If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry. "
~ Anton Chekhov

Police have issued an appeal after receiving complaints from farmers that their cows are being stolen during the night.
They're looking for a man with a big moo-stash.....

Мужчина прост — заглянет в лифчик, и целый час потом счастливчик.

I know a guy who dipped his testicles in glitter, pretty nuts huh?

Teacher: “If Shakespeare were alive today, what would he be most famous for?”

Pupil: “His Age.”

There is a special place in hell for people who are not ready to order when it's their turn.

I met a time travelling lycan yesterday...he was a when-wolf!

Если смотреть на вещи трезво, то очень хочется выпить...

I went into a fancy dress shop and asked the woman working there if they had any ghost costumes.
She said "We don't sell those, I'm afraid."
Silly woman. They're not *that* scary....

I took my grandma to the fish spa centre where little fish eat your dead skin for only
£20. It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

Pessimists of the world unite.....
not that it will do any good.

What did the pirate captain say when he caught his first mate hiding a rooster in his treasure chest?
**Get yer cock out of me booty!**

The teacher is thankful for the opportunity and accepts the job. One week later, to everyones shock the students of this special class have all developed an advanced vocabulary. The principal is curious about this sudden improvement and decides to drop by the class. This is what he sees:

Teacher: Kids, what comes first.

Students: BOOTY!

Teacher : And whats behind this booty?

Students : Another BOOTY!!!!

Teacher: And who is behind these two booties?

Students : ME!!!!

Teacher: And who is behind me?

Students : The entire country!!!!!!

The principal is perplexed. "Ok just what in the name of God is going on here ", he asks.

"Sir, they are learning to spell Assassination", replies the teacher.

What do you call making your booty clap for likes and upvotes?
Social netwerking.

Butt dialing and booty calling.
So similar. So different.

Fortunately my cat Whiskers did not win the feline booty contest...
We avoided a cat-ass-trophy.

This is the thing I don't understand about eating booty.
They say you shouldn't shit where you eat, but apparently it's okay to eat where you shit.

What is a necrophiliac pirate's favorite hobby?
Diggin' for booty.

My girlfriend asked me to 'eat the booty like groceries'.
But I'm on a glute-free diet.

What do you call a "booty call" when the girl makes the call?
A cock ring.

What do you call a cat with 8 Legs ?? Mating.

What’s a pirate and a pimp’s worst nightmare?
Sunken chest, and no booty.

Booty pics and golf are surprisingly similar, in that.
A hole in one is both rare and satisfying.

Why can’t a pirate go to a orgy?
Because he wants all the booty for himself.

I've been doing squats so I can get a big booty.
I have asspirations.

If there's a girl sitting in front of you with her ass crack showing and you drop Tic Tacs down there, what you call it?
Her-ass-mint.

Kim Kardashian is famous for having a big ass.
His name is Kanye West.

Little Johnny and his dad were going to buy a horse.Dad: Rubing on the horse’s chest and butt.Little Johnny: what are you doing? Dad: checking to see if the horse is healthy so I can buy it. Little Johnny: Oh well I think the mall man wants to buy mom.

Пасха - праздник, в который женщины меряются яйцами... в соц. сетях.

I went for my routine check up last week and everything was going great until the doctor stuck her finger up my butt. Should I look for a new dentist?

Man looks at his friend and says "if you and a friend go camping and you two get really drunk and in the morning you wake up with a condom in your butt would you tell anyone? " The friend says im a disgusted tone “No” So the man says “ok let’s go camping”

What do you call a guy whose hand is up a horse’s butt?
An Amish Mechanic.

Yo mama is so stupid she shoved two double A batteries up her butt and said, “ i’ve got the power “

What does the cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?
He wipes his butt.

2 old people sitting on a bench, one turns to the other and says, my butt fell asleep.
The other says, yep i heard it snore a couple of times.

What did one buttcheek say to the other buttcheek ?
Together we can stop this shit.

Someone butt dialed me again yesterday. It seems that only assholes want to speak to me.

Why did the bum get a slap ?
Because it was being to cheeky.

What medicine do you take when your butt hurts ?
ANSWER: assprin.

A big cat escaped it's cage at the zoo yesterday.
If I saw that I'd puma pants.

I bought 15 litres of Tipex the other day.

BIG MISTAKE!

If I had a time machine I'd go back to 900 A.D. and just scare the crap out of people with an electric toothbrush.

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team ?
Because she kept running away from the ball !

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a
Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked into a pub.
The bouncer says “Sorry.. I can’t let you in without a Thai”.

I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got
downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not
breathing!.
I panicked. I didn’t know what to do…………………
Then I remembered
Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.

Just said to the missus…”Hey fat gut..what do you want for Valentines Day”
She said “Don’t get f*cking lippy”
I said “Mascara it is then!”

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were
going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough….once she killed
herself
I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought…Sod it….soldier on

Мои дела идут хорошо. Только неизвестно куда.

I’m in trouble with the wife. We were in bed naked and she asked what I
would like to do most with her body.
Apparently “Identify it” wasn’t the right answer.

The local wig shop was broken into last night, they had to change all the locks.

I've decided I'm buying my wife a prosthetic leg for Christmas. It's not he actual gift, just a stocking filler.

Our church has a volunteer choir for the Summer whose members are not in the regular choir. They are called the “Summer Singers” because summer singers and some aren’t.

My son Luke loves how I named my kids after star wars characters.
My daughter Chewbacca not so much.

Spoke to some scientists who were studying the odder aspects of fog. They were mystified.

My new blonde girlfriend woke me up this morning and said "Hey, how about a early morning blowjob?"
I said, "You're crazy, you don't even have a penis." and rolled back to sleep.
Honestly , These blondes, thick as shit some of them.!!!

Бог конечно прощает всех, просто некоторых особо изощрённо.

—Amor, antes de dormir te quería recordar lo mucho que te amo.
—Yo también...
—¡YO TE AMO MÁS!
—Yo también me voy a dormir.
— :'(

La vida no se trata solo de encontrarte a ti mismo, sino también de crearte a ti mismo.