Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Booty pics and golf are surprisingly similar, in that.
A hole in one is both rare and satisfying.

Why can’t a pirate go to a orgy?
Because he wants all the booty for himself.

I've been doing squats so I can get a big booty.
I have asspirations.

If there's a girl sitting in front of you with her ass crack showing and you drop Tic Tacs down there, what you call it?
Her-ass-mint.

Kim Kardashian is famous for having a big ass.
His name is Kanye West.

Little Johnny and his dad were going to buy a horse.Dad: Rubing on the horse’s chest and butt.Little Johnny: what are you doing? Dad: checking to see if the horse is healthy so I can buy it. Little Johnny: Oh well I think the mall man wants to buy mom.

Пасха - праздник, в который женщины меряются яйцами... в соц. сетях.

I went for my routine check up last week and everything was going great until the doctor stuck her finger up my butt. Should I look for a new dentist?

Man looks at his friend and says "if you and a friend go camping and you two get really drunk and in the morning you wake up with a condom in your butt would you tell anyone? " The friend says im a disgusted tone “No” So the man says “ok let’s go camping”

What do you call a guy whose hand is up a horse’s butt?
An Amish Mechanic.

Yo mama is so stupid she shoved two double A batteries up her butt and said, “ i’ve got the power “

What does the cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?
He wipes his butt.

2 old people sitting on a bench, one turns to the other and says, my butt fell asleep.
The other says, yep i heard it snore a couple of times.

What did one buttcheek say to the other buttcheek ?
Together we can stop this shit.

Someone butt dialed me again yesterday. It seems that only assholes want to speak to me.

Why did the bum get a slap ?
Because it was being to cheeky.

What medicine do you take when your butt hurts ?
ANSWER: assprin.

A big cat escaped it's cage at the zoo yesterday.
If I saw that I'd puma pants.

I bought 15 litres of Tipex the other day.

BIG MISTAKE!

If I had a time machine I'd go back to 900 A.D. and just scare the crap out of people with an electric toothbrush.

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team ?
Because she kept running away from the ball !

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a
Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked into a pub.
The bouncer says “Sorry.. I can’t let you in without a Thai”.

I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got
downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not
breathing!.
I panicked. I didn’t know what to do…………………
Then I remembered
Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.

Just said to the missus…”Hey fat gut..what do you want for Valentines Day”
She said “Don’t get f*cking lippy”
I said “Mascara it is then!”

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were
going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough….once she killed
herself
I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought…Sod it….soldier on

Мои дела идут хорошо. Только неизвестно куда.

I’m in trouble with the wife. We were in bed naked and she asked what I
would like to do most with her body.
Apparently “Identify it” wasn’t the right answer.

The local wig shop was broken into last night, they had to change all the locks.

I've decided I'm buying my wife a prosthetic leg for Christmas. It's not he actual gift, just a stocking filler.

Our church has a volunteer choir for the Summer whose members are not in the regular choir. They are called the “Summer Singers” because summer singers and some aren’t.

My son Luke loves how I named my kids after star wars characters.
My daughter Chewbacca not so much.

Spoke to some scientists who were studying the odder aspects of fog. They were mystified.

My new blonde girlfriend woke me up this morning and said "Hey, how about a early morning blowjob?"
I said, "You're crazy, you don't even have a penis." and rolled back to sleep.
Honestly , These blondes, thick as shit some of them.!!!

Бог конечно прощает всех, просто некоторых особо изощрённо.

—Amor, antes de dormir te quería recordar lo mucho que te amo.
—Yo también...
—¡YO TE AMO MÁS!
—Yo también me voy a dormir.
— :'(

La vida no se trata solo de encontrarte a ti mismo, sino también de crearte a ti mismo.

What did the Health Inspector say to his wife when he got home from work?
“Hi Jean!”

I had a dream I was a plumber. It was just a pipe dream.

Given the recent economic times, I've bought a bouncy castle in case the employment market takes a downturn.
It will give me something to fall back on.

What's got four legs and flies?
A dead horse.

I won $5,000,000 in the lottery last month and decided to give a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $4,999,999.75.

How do you titillate an ocelot ?

Oscillate its tits a lot .

I wonder if unscrewed lightbulbs feel delighted ?

Teacher: "Simon, can you spell your name backwards?"

Simon: "Nomis."

I tried to share a kebab with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night.
He told me to fuck off and buy my own.!!!

When do Buddists practice?
Every now and Zen😁

Two women were talking about their new milkman.

"He's very good looking, punctual and dresses so smartly" said one.

"And dresses so quickly too!" said the other.

A fish net is nothing more than a lot of little holes tied together.

What do you call 2 worms in love? Soilmates.

“Comrade Rabinowitz, why weren’t you present at the last meeting of the Communist Party?”
“No-one told me it would be the last one. If I had known that I would have come with my whole family.”

Question to Radio Armenia: “Is it possible to build Communism in a random capitalist country like, say, the Netherlands?”
Answer: “Of course it’s possible but what have the Netherlands ever done to you?”

What’s the definition of a Russian string quartet? A Soviet orchestra back from a US tour.

A regional Communist Party meeting is held to celebrate the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution. The Chairman gives a speech: “Dear comrades! Let’s look at the amazing achievements of our Party after the revolution. For example, Maria here, who was she before the revolution? An illiterate peasant; she had but one dress and no shoes. And now? She is an exemplary milkmaid known throughout the entire region. Or look at Ivan Andreev. He was the poorest man in this village; he had no horse, no cow, not even an axe. And now? He is a tractor driver with two pairs of shoes! Or Trofim Semenovich Alekseev – he was a nasty hooligan, a drunk, and a dirty gadabout. Nobody would trust him with as much as a snowdrift in wintertime, as he would steal anything he could get his hands on. And now he’s Secretary of the Party Committee!”

An American dog, a Polish dog and a Soviet dog sit together. The American dog says “In my country if you bark long enough, you will be heard and given some meat”. The Polish dog replies “What is ‘meat’?” The Soviet dog says “What is ‘bark’?”

A man is driving with his wife and small child. A militia man pulls them over and makes the man take a breathalyzer test. “See,” the militia man says, “you are drunk.” The man protests that the breathalyzer must be broken and invites the cop to test his wife. She also registers as drunk. Exasperated, the man invites the cop to test his child. When the child registers drunk as well, the cop shrugs, says, “Yes, perhaps it is broken,” and sends them on their way. Out of earshot the man tells his wife, “See, I told you it wouldn’t hurt to give the kid a couple shots of vodka.”

A worker standing in a liquor line says: “I have had enough, save my place, I am going to shoot Gorbachev.” Two hours later he returns to claim his place in line. His friends ask, “Did you get him?” “No, the line there was even longer than the line here.”

An American explains to a Russian that the United States is a truly free country because he can stand in front of the White House and shout “To hell with Ronald Reagan!” The Russian says that this is nonsense because he can easily stand in Red Square and shout “To hell with Ronald Reagan.”

- Папа, а неимущие чиновники бывают?
- Да, сынок, в налоговых декларациях…

A train bearing Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev and Gorbachev stops suddenly when the tracks run out. Each leader applies his own, unique solution. Lenin gathers workers and peasants from miles around and exhorts them to build more track. Stalin shoots the train crew when the train still doesn’t move. Khrushchev rehabilitates the dead crew and orders the tracks behind the train ripped up and relaid in front. Brezhnev pulls down the curtains and rocks back and forth, pretending the train is moving. And Gorbachev calls a rally in front of the locomotive, where he leads a chant: “No tracks! No tracks! No tracks!”

The regional KGB headquarters in Arkhangelsk suffered a major fire and was almost completely destroyed. Shortly after, a man called looking for help.

“I’m sorry, we can’t do anything,” said the receptionist. “The KGB has burnt down.”

Five minutes later, the receptionist received another call. “I’m sorry, we can’t help. The KGB has burnt down.”

Another five minutes passed, and the phone rang again. The receptionist recognised the voice as the man who’d twice called previously.

“Why do you keep calling? I told you that the KGB has burnt down.”

“I know. I just like hearing it.”

A schoolboy wrote in his weekly essay: “My cat just had seven kittens. They’re all communist.”

The following week, the boy wrote: “my cat’s kittens are all capitalist.”

The teacher called him up and asked him to explain the sudden change. “Last week, you said they were all communists!”

The boy nodded. “They were, but this week they all opened their eyes.”

A man walks into a shop. He asks the clerk, “You don’t have any meat?” The clerk says, “No, here we don’t have any fish. The shop that doesn’t have any meat is across the street.”

What flies undercover and causes much buzz in Russia? KGBees.

I recall getting stuck in ABBA's toilet. What a loo.

Cowboy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "ya know what I heard?"
Bartender says, "Cattle"

I once had a date with a Welsh girl.
She said, "Do you want to come back to mine?"
I said, "Yes,"
and spent the next 10 hours digging up coal.

When King Arthur was off looking for the Holy Grail, he had Guinevere fitted with a chastity belt with a small guillotine on it to stop anyone interfering with her while he was away. When he returns he asks all his knights to drop their trousers and the only one still with a cock is Lancelot. "Lancelot" he says, "You alone can I trust faithful friend. What shall we do with these traitors? Come man, speak up, have you lost your tongue?"

I found out today I have CDO. It’s like OCD, except the letters are in alphabetical order, like they should be.

When I was younger, I said to my dad: "Can I use the lawnmower to make some extra money?"
"Sure son, you go ahead".
So I sold it.

What kind of bird doesn’t know the words to their own song?
A hummingbird.

A mate's Dad died in a boating accident in Venice.
I offered my gondolances.

Do competitive origami artists fold under pressure?

Люблю пересматривать видео со свадьбой, но только задом наперед. Там я снимаю кольцо, сажусь в машину и уезжаю в закат.

Mental math:
It's the thought that counts!

If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out.

"A sensible man ought to find sufficient company in himself."
By Emily Brontë

Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that's draped in bacon. "A bacon tree! We're saved!" He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

If we have Singapore, shouldn't we have Speakapore too???

Two women are talking. One lady asks the other, "How did you meet your husband?" "I'm a pharmacist" she replies. "He came into the store to buy condoms and asked for XXXXXL" "Only after I married him did I realize that he stutters"

There's been a lot of changes in the past year, so the wife and I started going to marriage counselling.
"Look at you, sitting there in your short skirt, high heels and your fake boobs, it's disgusting."
"I am what I am," I replied.!!