Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Spiders are the only web developers that enjoy finding bugs.

Q: What season is it when you’re on a trampoline?
A: Springtime!

My wife greeted me on the doorstep this morning wearing a sexy see thru negligee !!!

I wouldn't of normally minded but she was just fucking coming home !!

Who invented the second telephone?

You know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's there !!??!!
Well that's how I lost my job as a gynaecologist !!

Есть только один способ изменить судьбу, но и он не работает.

- Какую максимальную скидку вы можете мне предложить?
- 100%. Вы ничего не платите, мы ничего не делаем.

My boss said to me: "Why do you come out in a rash when I give you your wages?"
I said: "It's because I'm allergic to peanuts!"

Apart from humans, the only animal that enjoys having sex is a dolphin.
I had to shag a LOT of animals to find that out.!!!

A young lady went to the doctor for a physical.
Afterwards, the doctor said, "You're in perfect health, except for those abrasions on your knees."
The woman replied, "Oh, those are carpet burns from having sex doggie-style."
The doctor asked, "Don't you know any other positions?"
She answered, "Yeah, but my dog doesn't!"

What do astronauts eat for dinner? Launch meat.

A man was apprehended on the high street for drinking the contents of a car battery.
Update: police have now charged him.

Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism.

Попав на необитаемый остров, очень стеснительный человек первую неделю купался в трусах.

My son asked me why I had him CIRCUMSISED , I said , because a woman will reach for anything that has 20 percent off.

Why does lightning shock people? Because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself.

The Mars Perseverance Rover just got a parking ticket.

The fine is astronomical.

I’m at that awkward stage between birth and death.

A man is in court charged with selling phoney anti-aging drugs. The judge says to him, "Have you been charged with this crime before?"
The man replies, "Yes sir, once before in 1846."!!

" Try to learn something about everything and everything about something "

~ Thomas Henry Huxley

My Doctor has advised me to start running.
I'm not ill or anything, I've been shagging his wife.!!

Harrison Ford has released a compilation of songs that are based on the Star Wars trilogy.
It's his first Solo album.

My dog polly has tics. I apologize in advance for discussing Polly tics on this site.

My wife is leaving me because she says I am obsessed with quizzes.
Is she:
a) Unfair
b) Overreacting
c) Out of her mind

Is it still considered underwear if you don't wear anything over it?

Running is the best way
to remind yourself how
much you love sitting.

I told my friend people keep asking me to purchase meat for them.
He said, “By mistake?”
I said, “Oh come on, not you as well!”

" Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it."

~ Confucius

I just completed the first day of my new job as a bartender in a strip club.
I've never worked so hard in my life!

Man goes up to his friend and hands him a limp, soggy sea creature.
His friend says "What's THIS - a dead octopus?"
And his friend says "Naw, it's the sick squid I owe you..."

My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.

My favorite teacher at school was Mrs Turtle.

Strange name but she tortoise well.

Somebody stopped me the other day in the shopping center and said "oh, sorry, I thought you were someone else"
To which I replied, "I am"

Никому не позволяй испортить твой день. Это твой день - испорти его сам!

Nice butts takes my breath away
I'm assmatic.

Two vampires got married, but they were always at each other's throats.

For every rich tea biscuit in our world, there are hundreds of ordinary biscuits living in poverty.

My mate Col got killed by a cabbage someone threw out an appartment window.Its now a criminal offence. Cols law.

What do you call an apology letter written in dots and dashes?
Remorse code.

Them: "Who's skull is that?"
Me: (raising it to my lips to take a drink) "A guy named Philip".
Them: "What's in it?"
Me: "Vodka and orange juice".
Them:
Me: "It's a Philip's head screw driver".

When do flowers become ghosts? When they've rose from the dead.

I put a DVD on eBay this morning.
I've just checked and it says that 6 people are watching it.
Fucking Bastards, you can't trust anyone nowadays !!

This morning, I lifted a sack full of electric bulbs
They were so light.

After only 10 years in practice, our dentist retired. He said he was tired of the hole boring business. Said he didn’t want a career working in a filling station all day. We gave him a big plaque. He and his wife, Flossy, moved to Florida.

Если быстро-быстро есть торт, то фитнес-браслет похвалит за бодрую прогулку.

How did King Tut make all his money? From a pyramid scheme...

ISIS captured Fidel Castro's proctologist because he had been infidel.

Did you hear the joke about paper? It’s tearable!

Why is my credit so bad? I get letters from all of my creditors each month telling me my balance is outstanding.

My neighbor is a musician who is currently serving time in jail. His wife is waiting for his next release.

Summoned for a brain transplant... What if I change my mind?

A trigonometry book has been discovered on the planet Mars. Unfortunately, there were no other sines of life.

My mate Dave’s wife, Julie said to him yesterday “Our new neighbour always kisses his wife when he goes to work, why don't you do that?”

“How can I?” said Dave “I’ve never met the woman”

Microwaves be like.
Here's your hot bowl of cold spaghetti you fat fuck.

Microwaves be like.
Here's your hot bowl of cold spaghetti you fat fuck.

I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet.

"Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice."
By William Shakespeare, Hamlet

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

-Eleanor Roosevelt

When I die, I'd like the word 'Humble' to be written on my statue.

I don’t understand why I can't lose weight.

I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

My wife dated a clown before she started going out with me.

I had some pretty big shoes to fill.

My mom taught me to “work until your bank account balance looks like a phone number.”

Does $9.11 count?

Sometimes you have to hug the people you don't like so you know how big to dig the hole in your backyard.

Two ducks are crossing the road in Belfast. One duck says: “Quack”. The other duck replies: “I’m goin’ as quack as I can”!

I'm addicted to oxygen. I tried to stop, but within a minute I was feeling blue.

Librarian: Why are you trying to locate the creator of Scrabble?
Me: I just need a word with him.

Why did the banana stay the night at his friends house? He was slipping over.

As we say in Newcastle, Once you've heard one Kajagoogoo song you've heard Limahl.

This bloke stopped me in the village today and said..
"What a lovely part of the country you live in, have you lived here all your life"..?
I said... "No not yet"...

A semicolon got arrested.

It got 2 back to back sentences.

That awkward silence when prison inmates are playing monopoly and somebody picks up the 'get out of jail free' card.

Why didn’t the dog want to wrestle??

He was a boxer.

Birthday gifts are rewards for not dying this year.

When one door opens , another one closes.

Other than that , it's a good car .

What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?
A woolly jumper.

How do you transport a gravely ill Pig?
In a hambulance!

The piñata was a hit at the party.

Did you hear about the chap who took hay to bed to feed his nightmares?

Who needs drugs when you can be delirious from going 48 hours without sleep?

My wife doesn't think I'm handy enough to change out a light switch.

Well she's in for a shock!