Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I saw a poster that said, “Have you seen my cat?”
I rang the number and told them I haven’t.
I like to help where I can.

A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.

The most gullible chemical element is easily lead.

There was an insect flying about in my office this afternoon. He flew in the window, and had a good snoop around.
I had asked him what he was up to, but he looked very uncomfortable and refused to answer my questions before making his excuses and flying out of the window again.
I suspect he was the cagey bee.

I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet.
I get hungry.

Never take a crash course in driving.

" Poetry is just the evidence of life. If your life is burning well, poetry is just the ash."

By Leonard Cohen

" In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life:
it goes on . "

• Robert Frost

I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights were too heavy.

I've just handed in my too weak notice.

Не делайте никому зла,ибо зло вам вернётся. Делайте добро,оно не возвращается никогда.

Q. why did the hedgehog cross the road?
A. To see his flat mate

I confess that I eat ice cream right out of the carton. But if I don’t like it, I put it right back in he grocer’s freezer.

What do you call
a female peacock ...

A peacunt .

—Abuelo, ¿viste mis drogas en la mesa?

—No, pero vi unos dragones en la cocina.

If sex with three people is a threesome and sex with four people is a foursome, now you know why everybody calls you handsome!

A Chinese couple were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary. The wife said, "For anniversary, you can have anything you want... anything!" The husband replied with lust in his eye, "Ah! I want a 69!" To which his wife responded, "69!??" He reiterated now leering at her, "That's right, 69!" She said, "You want a pork and rice!"

Just read a book on Stockholm Syndrome. Started off terribly, but thought it was great by the time I finished it.

Teacher asked a little kid "how old is your dad"?
Kid - "6 years old Miss"
Teacher - how can he be 6 years old?

Kid- he became a dad when I was born. 😎

Why hamburgers are called hamburgers if theyre made of beef?

I went to the local video shop and asked if I could borrow Batman Forever.

They said no, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow.

"It is not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well."

• René Descartes

Astronomers have detected an asteroid 5280 feet long-it's a milestone discovery.

Just got a letter from Screw Fix Direct this morning thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency!!

Just deleted all the German names off my mobile phone.

Now I'm completly Hans free !!!

I've just finished reading the Kama Sutra.....and I have to say its left me in a very awkward position !!!

One cow : " I got artificially inseminated this morning, you know."
Other cow : "No way ! "
First cow : "Yeah, straight up - no bull ."

A lion goes into a restaurant and asks to see the menu. After perusing it for a while he says ‘To start with, I’ll have the garlic mushrooms’.
He then goes back to perusing the menu. To try and hurry him up the waiter says ‘And for the main?’
‘Oh, just a comb’ replies the lion.

Confidence whispers. Insecurity screams.

I once asked my mother if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

"If you are born poor, it is not your mistake. But if you die poor, it's your fault. "

-Bill Gates

I just saw some idiot at the gym.

He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

Despite the recent rises in the cost of living...
it still remains very popular!

My wife came home the other day and said,
"What's different about me?"
I said,
"I don't know - what is the difference?
Have you had your hair done?" She said, "No." I said, "Have you got a new dress on?"
She said, "No!" I said, "Have you got a new pair of shoes?"
She said, "No!"I said, "Well what is it? What's different?"
She said, "I'm wearing a fucking gas mask!"

A woman weightlifter goes to the doc's:
"I've been taking steroids, & now I've grown a cock"
"ANABOLIC!!!???!!!" says the Doctor
"No just a cock" She says..!!

The reason males masturbate more than females is because female masturbation is more sophisticated. While male masturbation is manual, female masturbation is digital.

Did you hear about the cowgirl who got fired because she couldn't keep her calves together ?

A traveling salesman broke down near a farmhouse.
He goes to the door and the farmer says, "You can stay the night, but don't be touching my handsome, young sons."
The salesman groans, "Ohhh... I'm in the wrong joke."

Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says
“I think we got this joke wrong”

CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it'll work again.

Либо ты съедаешь самца после секса, либо потом всю жизнь варишь ему борщи.

Waitress: Do you wanna box for that?
Me: No, but I'll wrestle you for it.

Just spent ages waxing my car !!

Still not sure how it gets that hairy !!

Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better...

I knew a lawyer named Sue.
She went to court alot.

I just bumped into my sexy neighbour.
She said, "How's your little one, getting big I expect?"I said, "Yep, it sure is bulging, it must be the tight tops and short denim skirt your wearing"

Why did the lighthouse keeper ring the police? There was an emerging sea.

These "energy saving" light-bulbs are bullshit.
They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones!

I was approached by a member of Greenpeace in the street the other day and he told me that if I don't donate £2 a month then people in Africa will die.

I can't believe Greenpeace employ such violent people.

I took a urine test at the doctor’s office yesterday.
Man, my kleptomania is out of control!

"1-2-3! Here I come ready or not!".
"You're the worst lover ever" moaned my girlfriend "You could at least try and wait til I'm undressed"

Had an interview for the Royal Navy..

Officer: Can you swim?

Me: Why? Have you got no boats!?

Dougal was a typical Scot. His wife Janet had just died and he wanted to place the least expensive death notice. He went to the newspaper office and wrote on the lodgement from, "Janet died."
The clerk explained that there was a minimum charge and he could have five words. Dougal added three more words:
"Janet died, Toyota for sale."

I love the Welsh summer, apparently this year it’s on a Tuesday...

I asked my girlfriend what her favourite Rod Stewart song was.
She said “I don’t want to talk about it.” So I changed the subject.

Just been to the in-laws where I let out the loudest fart. The wife shook her head and said " Mark,, how can you do that in front of my mum" " Sorry" I replied " I didnt know it was her turn"

If you open a Chinese fortune cookie and there’s no fortune in it is that a misfortune?

What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 8 pints.

It turns out that 60's rocker Steppenwolf was an assumed name.
He was born Toby Wild.

DAD: today am not okay, am feeling dizzy and seeing stars 🌟 🌟
SON: have you seen the doctor?
DAD:no, only stars.

"True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country."
Kurt Vonnegut

What do you call a nun standing on her head?
An unu.

My Czech mate is surprisingly bad at chess.

Did you know that Edam is the only cheese that is made backwards?

Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.

"A hero is someone who understands the responsibility that comes with his freedom."
Bob Dylan

Do you think flies call us walks?

I thought I had sinus issues only to discover it was all in my head.

Do toaster shaped bath bombs sound like a decent business idea?

What does a condom and a woman have in common?
If they’re not on the end of your cock they’re in your wallet.

Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong socks this morning.

Many years ago I had this crazy idea about writing a novel about the Civil War but then suddenly it was all gone with the wind.

Зяма обожает читать гороскопы. Это единственное место, где у него есть деньги, путешествия и идеальные отношения.

If your child is a transgender, does that make you transparent?

Friend of mine got drunk and went to an auction. He doesn't remember a lot.

Got a new eco-friendly suit made of cactus leaves.
I look really sharp in it.

“Wear the old coat and buy the new book.”
– Austin Phelps

A boomerang is just a frisbee for people with no friends.

What does an atheist fisherman believe? That there is no cod.

You know you’re a bad driver when Siri says: “In 400 feet, stop and let me out!”