Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

If you want a job at a moisturizer factory, you should apply twice a day.

A failed mushroom hunter is a man without morels.

A man walks into a seafood store carrying a trout under his arm.
“Do you make fish cakes?” he asked.
“Yes, we do,” replied the fishmonger.
“Great,” said the man, “It’s his birthday.”

The grave robbers exhumed bob marleys coffin but failed to open the lid cus it kept jamming.

My wife asked me how I can chop onions without crying. I told her the trick is to not get attached.

Телевидение показывает нам мир в котором мы могли бы жить, если бы жили в телевизоре.

We were traveling, and tried a Chinese restaurant. But they had this ceremony; it was teadious, and we were oolong way from home.

Judge: “Can’t you settle this out of court?”
Defendant: “That’s what we were doing when the police interfered.”

We've missed our favorite tea at the Chinese restaurant where we often dine, but we've been getting oolong.

I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.

Teacher to pupil,
Where's the English Channel?
Pupil, I don't know,
My TV doesn't pick it up.

When did Julius Caesar die?
A few days before his funeral.

Нет ничего тяжелее, чем стать легче.

If you spell the words "Absolutely Nothing" backwards, you get "Gnihton Yletulosba," which ironically means...
Absolutely nothing.

—Nivel de Italiano
—Altini.
—No sabe nada ¿verdad?
—Exactini.
—¡LARGO DE AQUÍ!
—Adiosini.

My wife felt embarrassed after she received homemade cosmetics for our anniversary.
I made her blush.

За всю историю человечества были придуманы лишь две мотивационные системы: морковка спереди и морковка сзади.

I had a vinyl album called “Wasp Noises”, but when I played the first track it didn’t sound like a wasp and the second track didn’t sound like a wasp either...

Then I realised I was playing the B side...

Wife: I’m sick and tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back.
Husband: But you’re in a wheelchair!

Habe you seen the price of elastic bands? I just can't stretch to it.

"All great literature is one of two stories; a man goes on a journey Or a stranger comes to town."
-Leo Tolstoy

Having to purchase a fishing license is stupid. You can’t even drive a fish.

They say that you should look through your clothes closet, and if you haven’t worn something for a year, throw it out. I apply the same principle to my fridge.

Why did the boy put his money in the freezer?
He wanted some cold, hard cash.

Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable and toxic metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.

My mate is a dyslexic pervert he sends women pictures of his duck!

I am looking to buy a lighthouse but nothing too flashy.

What do you call a fish that wearing a bowtie?
Sofishticated!

One electrician's behavior was awful! He was reVolting!

A group of French executioners were arguing about how they should do the job. One said 'We should chop them off at the ankles'. Another said 'We should chop them off at the knees'. One said 'We should chop them off at the hips'. Another said 'We should chop them off at the waist'. Another said 'We should cut them off at the chest'. But don't worry, it all came to a head eventually.

What does a donkey get for lunch at Blackpool?
Half an hour.

What's the best part of a waffle?
The w.
Without it it's just awful.

A chicken published a book titled "Poultry in Motion: How I Crossed the Road and Got to the Other Side", and she received the Pulletzer Prize award.

"He who does not understand your silence will probably not understand your words."
• Elbert Hubbard

- Я у вас купил пирожок с грибами, так где грибы?
- А вы разве не знали, что дрожжи это тоже грибы?

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped
over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.
'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over
you, but I'm blind and can't see.'
'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was
my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't
see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'
'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny.. 'I'm blind, and I've
never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft,
and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and
a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'
The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind
of animal are you?'
The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to
examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well,
what kind of an animal am I?'
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold,
you're slippery, and you have no balls...You must be a POLITICIAN"

A guy asked his doctor whether he should take anything for the hundreds of spots that had appeared on his stomach. The doctor said, “Sorry, I never make rash decisions”.

Which is heavier, 200 kg of feathers, or 200 kg of bricks?
The feathers, because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

A guy was walking through town when he saw a sign outside a pub, “Beer 5p a pint”. Thinking there must be some sort of catch, he went in and ordered a pint, sure enough he was charged 5p. Obviously he asked the barman what was going on. The barman said, “this pub was founded 80 years ago today, and in recognition we are selling beer at the price it was on the day we first opened. The guy was impressed. On looking around he saw a couple of old lads, clearly locals, sat at a table in the corner. Noticing their table was empty, the guy asked why the two senior citizens weren’t drinking. “Oh them”, the barman replied, “they’re waiting for happy hour.“

I got lost in the forest, luckily l had a compass with me.
So l was able to draw perfectly round circles while waiting to be rescued.

I want to live in a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.

You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after they win the game?
That's not allowed in bowling.
I know that now.

Do song birds get mad at hummingbirds for not knowing the words?

They argued for hours over which was better: Irish whiskey or scotch. It was a very spirited debate.

Corona is similar to programming languages.

Every year, it evolve with new version and new features.

В каждой женщине живёт стриптизёрша. Главное смешать напитки в правильной пропорции.

Went to the local store to get some screws.
He said how long do you want them ?
I said I was hoping to keep them.

I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.

Many people think that Edgar Allan Poe was a raven madman.

Batteries are pre-paid electricity.
The cost per kWh is insane $80.

I received a call that my appointment was cancelled. I was disappointed!

I bought something for 94 cents and gave the cashier a dollar. I knew what change to expect.
Must be my sixth sense!

Do jellyfish ever get lonely because there are no peanut butter fish?

I missed my nap today,
I slept right through it.

Advice for people wanting to start programming :
1- learn a difficult language first like html. Then python. But only learn the easy stuff
2- call your self a programmer at all times.
3- tell people you use Linux even if you don't
4- never use google as a research hub. Always ask on the groups first .
5- after you learn the easy basic post on every group who wants to learn python. People will think you are cool
6- always use ALT+F4 to test your code. But only when it's done
Follow me for more programming advice

My wife was in tears when she called me from A&E, I said what's wrong, she said I've just seen my x-ray, I said dont talk to him, just ignore him.

Предпочитаю со всеми соглашаться.
Репутация понимающего и умного человека дорогого стоит.

A friend of mine wanted a bigger home for his growing family, so he sold his bungalow and bought a house, but that’s another storey.

I brought some batteries,
But they were not included,
So I had to buy them again.

“There are all kinds of stupid people that annoy me but what annoys me most is a lazy argument.”
~Christopher Hitchens

Кондуктор Надежда была доставлена в больницу с острым отравлением счастливыми билетиками.

I'd kill for a microwave that plays Europe's “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.

Company mergers expected in 2021:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally....
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang

С ГРЕХОМ ПОПОЛАМ ЖЕНЩИНА МОЖЕТ МНОГОГО ДОБИТЬСЯ!

I got gas for $1.39 yesterday!

.....too bad it was from Taco Bell.

What kind of travelers never get angry?

Nomads.

Judge said keep an eye on these two. They are the famous Wright brothers. They are a flight risk.

Guitar strings can play music- shoe strings can knot.

My mate said he’s the 1st person in the world to have a pigs heart as a transplant I said “that’s very interesting, it’s amazing what they can do now, were there any side effects & when did you have the Op?” He said “no there was no side effects and I’ve had the heart about a weeeeek”

Doctor: "I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?"
Nurse: "B positive."
Doctor: "Okay. I don't think this patient is dying."

"And so castles made of sand
Fall in the sea, eventually"
– Jimi Hendrix

Some patients are going to die and you have to learn to accept that. It's just part of being a dentist...

My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.

Tis better to love a short man than to never love a'tall.

What’s Dracula’s favourite type of coffee? Decoffinated.

So I rang the Royal Mint. I was very disappointed. It seems they only do one flavour.

How do trains eat?

Chew chew chew.....

This tape doesn’t even taste like Scotch.

Две пожилые одесситки втискиваются в переполненный автобус - одна в
переднюю дверь, другая - в заднюю. Одна кричит:
— Циля, тебе есть на чём сидеть?
— Есть!
— А чего не садишься?
— Так мест же нету!

I always wanted to learn how to juggle, but never had the balls for it.