Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I have an unexplainable irrational fear of over-engineered buildings.
It's a complex-complex complex.

Why is it so easy to weigh fish?
because they have scales.

We pay taxes on money we earn to pay taxes on money we spend.

A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

Do cold callers get fired or do they just chill?

- Миша, я дико извиняюсь, но вы спали с моей женой?
- Одну минуточку, сейчас посмотрю (*листает блокнот*)... Да, Яков Ефимович, спал.
- Миша, я недоволен!
- Минуточку (*снова листает блокнот*)... Я тоже.

Я верю только в ту часть астрологии, которая говорит мне, что я красивый, смешной и сексуальный.

When do you go at red and stop at green?
When you’re eating a watermelon.

I have a friend that works in a clock factory.
He gets paid to stand around and make faces all day.

Если женщина вас полюбила,это не ваша заслуга. Это её эксперимент.

I wanted to post a pun about loans but y'all will lose interest.

Can a comedian in a wheel chair still do standup comedy?

Flatearthers: if the Earth is flat, why is the sky called the atmosphere, not atmosflat?

Заходит как то давление в один бар в один бар...

As I get older, I think of all the people I've lost along the way.

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me?

I went to a museum and asked if I could take a few pictures. The guard was adamant that the pictures stay on the walls.

“All poets write bad poetry. Bad poets publish them, good poets burn them.”
Umberto Eco

I was home alone naked in the bathtub when suddenly there was a tap on my shoulder.

Why is an Elephant big and grey?

Because if it was small and purple it would be a grape.

Dad named David:
"If I ever had a son, I would name him Harley, so that everyone would go, 'Yeah, that's Harley, David's son!' "

50 years ago you had to get really fucking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.

They say that 1 in 3 people cheat in a relationship.
To be honest i'm not sure if it's my wife or my girlfriend.

What do you call a kleptomaniac bunny?

A grabbit.

How frightened is a skeleton?
Scared to death.

What’s the opposite of coffee? Sneezy.

Latest diet failed again!
Now going to concentrate on getting taller.

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81. He said no.

I’ve started a lawn cleanup business.
I’m really raking in the cash.

My mom keeps asking me questions like, “when are you going to be famous?” I tell her, “as soon as they find the bodies.”

Jesus' fav car is??... Christ-ler.

The reference from my last employer at the stone and granite place said I was counter productive.

Did you know that there is a strict social hierarchy in the fishing community? That's right, there's a caste system.

I just got my permit to harvest shrimp in the Antarctic. Now I have a licence to Krill.

I’m in a band called ‘The Defibrillators ‘. We are a revival band.

What do you call a man obsessed with boobs? A chestnut.

I'm no chemist, but the opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A router goes to see the doctor, and the doctor asks, "What seems to be the problem?"

The router replies "It hurts when IP".

Why did the tightrope walker visit the bank?

He wanted to check his balance.

If men jerk-off then do women jerk-in?

Why did the math teacher enjoy the park?

All the natural logs.

Брачное агентство для геев еле сводит концы с концами.

Son: Dad, where do you work?
Me: I hunt extraterrestrials
Son: Extraterrestrials don't exist!
Me: Have you seen one?
Son: No...
Me: You're welcome...

—
Папа, а число звёзд не небе бесконечно?
— Конечно, сынок.

I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular

Hey, you know where Cillian Murphy keeps all his paperwork? In a peaky binder.

My friend sent me a joke in the mail, took me a couple of days to get it 🙂

I went to see a psychic and she said: "There's something brewing."
I said: "Beer?"
She glared and snarled: "No, something very evil."
I replied: "Non-alcoholic beer?"

Just bought an original Van Gogh coffee table. I know it's original because there's a bit of veneer missing.

I'm a responsible person.
People are always saying, "I know you're responsible for this".

You haven't experienced awkward, until you tickle someone who isn't ticklish.

My new hobby collecting calculators is going well, have over 100 already. Amazing how quickly they add up.

Bloke 1: "What do you do for a living?"
Bloke 2 "I'm a spy."
Bloke 1: "Why are you dressed as a shepherd?"
Bloke 2: "I'm a shepherd spy."

Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.

Не все способны оценить нудизм по достоинству.

Is the "S" or the "C" silent in the word "scent"?

On poker night, we always had a brief spelling bee to determine who the first dealer would be. Our rule: Whoever spelt it, dealt it.

A new funeral home is being built directly across the street from an existing one. Looks like there will be some stiff competition.

"If you look for perfection, you'll never be content."
~ Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

A friend asked me once “Is the Aurora Borealis heavy?”

I said, no, it’s pretty light...”

Японская народная мудрость.
Человек как меч:
или делает своё дело, или тупой.

Why does Edward Woodward have 4 d's
in his name?

Because otherwise he'd be called E-war woo-war...

“Come on in,” said one friend to the other.
“Does he bite?” he asked pointing at the dog.
“That’s what I want to find out. I only got him this morning.”

- Дорогая, что это ты приготовила?
- Это яйцо паштет.
- Может, пашот?
- Должно было быть пашот, но получился паштет.

I just changed my computer login password to “Alcatraz” and now the “Esc” button won’t work.

Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn't be allowed to talk.

Несите чушь бережно, стараясь не расплескать.
Хороша только полная чушь.

Note to self: don’t set your password reminder as “you should know this”.

Chillin': The art of doing nothing without being bored.

Сергей понял сразу, что у Ани семья очень интеллигентная,
когда узнал, что их кота зовут Шнырь.

I go to the zoo to watch the monkeys wanking, but they don't seem to like it.

I told my wife how I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.

She unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer.

What did the septic truck driver say before starting his work day?

Doodie calls.

All these years of technological developments and I still haven’t seen a color photo of a panda or a zebra.

It's never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in which case yes, it's too late.

Last time I was in London I said to a passer by "Excuse me, how do I get to Paddington?"

"I would steal his marmalade sandwiches...That should work" he replied

I was having breakfast in a cafe this morning and two waitresses had a massive row over how long to leave a teabag in the cup and it got so bad it ended up in violence.
I asked the manager what had happened and he told me it had been brewing for ages.

I often wondered what it'd be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

The cast of “Friends” got stuck at sea in a boat but thankfully nothing happened.

Because Lisa Kudrow.

Got a pet zebra, didn’t realize how hungry they are.
He eats like a horse.