Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Q - what do you call a group of whales playing instruments?
A - an Orcastra!!!

I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris, but it turns out that idea was taken.
I had another idea for one where the same agent is kidnapped with his wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.

Puns about sausage are the wurst!

Men who chase skirts in Scotland would get Kilt !

У него так давно не было женщины, что он уже стал поглядывать на жену...

I once threw a boomerang and it didn’t come back.
I now live in constant fear.

“It's very tiring having other people tell you how much they dig you if you yourself don't dig you.”
–Bob Dylan

What's white, yellow, green, yellow, white?
Answer: A buttered frog sandwich.

"You're on earth. There's no cure for that."
— Samuel Beckett

– Это не канифоль.
– Нужно говорить "не комильфо".
– А разве это не симфонии?
– Нет, это не синонимы.

The fact that disappointing is not the opposite of appointing is quite disappointing.

I am so fed up with people, at times i hate being a cannibal.

What's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?
The refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.....

Did everyone forget the abbreviation for Maine or is it just ME?

Getting nervous that I’m being followed around by a large wading bird. I think I’m being storked.

Dickinson is a really weird surname when you break it apart.

I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I'm not an actor.

What building in New York has the most stories?
The Public Library.

I stay awake at night wondering why monosyllabic has 5 syllables.

This bloke came up to me in the High street today and said: "Have you got a light mate?"
I said: "Yes, his name is Tony and he weighs about 6 stone 2 pounds".

Q. What do you do when an elephant cums through your window?
A. Swim for your life.

Me: Someone we know is possessed by an owl
Friend: Who?
Me: [narrows eyes]

Swedish guy walks into ABBA....

My ears are burning that means someones talking about me.
They're probably saying something like "Why's that idiot got his head in the oven".

If you rip a hole in a net, you would have fewer holes in it.

" Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them."
By William Shakespeare, Twelfth Night

What washes up on really tiny beaches?
Microwave.

Изю приговорили к смертной казни...
-Ваше последнее желание?
-Хочу манго.
-Но сейчас же январь.
-Я подожду.

What's the most popular computer in Scandinavia ? The Lapp top .

John Travolta’s pepper farm business is going well. He’s got chillis, they’re multiplying.

I slept so badly last night I started reading the dictionary.
By 4am I was past caring...

“Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside - remembering all the times you've felt that way.”

Charles Bukowski

How do you greet a Scarecrow?

"HAY MAN!"

If bowlers are to successfully go on strike will they still have to play?

Don’t let anyone else ruin your day. It’s YOUR day, ruin it yourself.

Phew! I am so relieved, all my test results came back negative
(What is IQ anyway?)

If you want a job at a moisturizer factory, you should apply twice a day.

A failed mushroom hunter is a man without morels.

A man walks into a seafood store carrying a trout under his arm.
“Do you make fish cakes?” he asked.
“Yes, we do,” replied the fishmonger.
“Great,” said the man, “It’s his birthday.”

The grave robbers exhumed bob marleys coffin but failed to open the lid cus it kept jamming.

My wife asked me how I can chop onions without crying. I told her the trick is to not get attached.

Телевидение показывает нам мир в котором мы могли бы жить, если бы жили в телевизоре.

We were traveling, and tried a Chinese restaurant. But they had this ceremony; it was teadious, and we were oolong way from home.

Judge: “Can’t you settle this out of court?”
Defendant: “That’s what we were doing when the police interfered.”

We've missed our favorite tea at the Chinese restaurant where we often dine, but we've been getting oolong.

I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.

Teacher to pupil,
Where's the English Channel?
Pupil, I don't know,
My TV doesn't pick it up.

When did Julius Caesar die?
A few days before his funeral.

Нет ничего тяжелее, чем стать легче.

If you spell the words "Absolutely Nothing" backwards, you get "Gnihton Yletulosba," which ironically means...
Absolutely nothing.

—Nivel de Italiano
—Altini.
—No sabe nada ¿verdad?
—Exactini.
—¡LARGO DE AQUÍ!
—Adiosini.

My wife felt embarrassed after she received homemade cosmetics for our anniversary.
I made her blush.

За всю историю человечества были придуманы лишь две мотивационные системы: морковка спереди и морковка сзади.

I had a vinyl album called “Wasp Noises”, but when I played the first track it didn’t sound like a wasp and the second track didn’t sound like a wasp either...

Then I realised I was playing the B side...

Wife: I’m sick and tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back.
Husband: But you’re in a wheelchair!

Habe you seen the price of elastic bands? I just can't stretch to it.

"All great literature is one of two stories; a man goes on a journey Or a stranger comes to town."
-Leo Tolstoy

Having to purchase a fishing license is stupid. You can’t even drive a fish.

They say that you should look through your clothes closet, and if you haven’t worn something for a year, throw it out. I apply the same principle to my fridge.

Why did the boy put his money in the freezer?
He wanted some cold, hard cash.

Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable and toxic metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.

My mate is a dyslexic pervert he sends women pictures of his duck!

I am looking to buy a lighthouse but nothing too flashy.

What do you call a fish that wearing a bowtie?
Sofishticated!

One electrician's behavior was awful! He was reVolting!

A group of French executioners were arguing about how they should do the job. One said 'We should chop them off at the ankles'. Another said 'We should chop them off at the knees'. One said 'We should chop them off at the hips'. Another said 'We should chop them off at the waist'. Another said 'We should cut them off at the chest'. But don't worry, it all came to a head eventually.

What does a donkey get for lunch at Blackpool?
Half an hour.

What's the best part of a waffle?
The w.
Without it it's just awful.

A chicken published a book titled "Poultry in Motion: How I Crossed the Road and Got to the Other Side", and she received the Pulletzer Prize award.

"He who does not understand your silence will probably not understand your words."
• Elbert Hubbard

- Я у вас купил пирожок с грибами, так где грибы?
- А вы разве не знали, что дрожжи это тоже грибы?

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped
over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.
'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over
you, but I'm blind and can't see.'
'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was
my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't
see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'
'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny.. 'I'm blind, and I've
never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft,
and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and
a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'
The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind
of animal are you?'
The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to
examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well,
what kind of an animal am I?'
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold,
you're slippery, and you have no balls...You must be a POLITICIAN"

A guy asked his doctor whether he should take anything for the hundreds of spots that had appeared on his stomach. The doctor said, “Sorry, I never make rash decisions”.

Which is heavier, 200 kg of feathers, or 200 kg of bricks?
The feathers, because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

A guy was walking through town when he saw a sign outside a pub, “Beer 5p a pint”. Thinking there must be some sort of catch, he went in and ordered a pint, sure enough he was charged 5p. Obviously he asked the barman what was going on. The barman said, “this pub was founded 80 years ago today, and in recognition we are selling beer at the price it was on the day we first opened. The guy was impressed. On looking around he saw a couple of old lads, clearly locals, sat at a table in the corner. Noticing their table was empty, the guy asked why the two senior citizens weren’t drinking. “Oh them”, the barman replied, “they’re waiting for happy hour.“

I got lost in the forest, luckily l had a compass with me.
So l was able to draw perfectly round circles while waiting to be rescued.

I want to live in a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.

You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after they win the game?
That's not allowed in bowling.
I know that now.

Do song birds get mad at hummingbirds for not knowing the words?

They argued for hours over which was better: Irish whiskey or scotch. It was a very spirited debate.