Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I just bumped into my sexy neighbour.
She said, "How's your little one, getting big I expect?"I said, "Yep, it sure is bulging, it must be the tight tops and short denim skirt your wearing"

Why did the lighthouse keeper ring the police? There was an emerging sea.

These "energy saving" light-bulbs are bullshit.
They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones!

I was approached by a member of Greenpeace in the street the other day and he told me that if I don't donate £2 a month then people in Africa will die.

I can't believe Greenpeace employ such violent people.

I took a urine test at the doctor’s office yesterday.
Man, my kleptomania is out of control!

"1-2-3! Here I come ready or not!".
"You're the worst lover ever" moaned my girlfriend "You could at least try and wait til I'm undressed"

Had an interview for the Royal Navy..

Officer: Can you swim?

Me: Why? Have you got no boats!?

Dougal was a typical Scot. His wife Janet had just died and he wanted to place the least expensive death notice. He went to the newspaper office and wrote on the lodgement from, "Janet died."
The clerk explained that there was a minimum charge and he could have five words. Dougal added three more words:
"Janet died, Toyota for sale."

I love the Welsh summer, apparently this year it’s on a Tuesday...

I asked my girlfriend what her favourite Rod Stewart song was.
She said “I don’t want to talk about it.” So I changed the subject.

Just been to the in-laws where I let out the loudest fart. The wife shook her head and said " Mark,, how can you do that in front of my mum" " Sorry" I replied " I didnt know it was her turn"

If you open a Chinese fortune cookie and there’s no fortune in it is that a misfortune?

What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 8 pints.

It turns out that 60's rocker Steppenwolf was an assumed name.
He was born Toby Wild.

DAD: today am not okay, am feeling dizzy and seeing stars 🌟 🌟
SON: have you seen the doctor?
DAD:no, only stars.

"True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country."
Kurt Vonnegut

What do you call a nun standing on her head?
An unu.

My Czech mate is surprisingly bad at chess.

Did you know that Edam is the only cheese that is made backwards?

Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.

"A hero is someone who understands the responsibility that comes with his freedom."
Bob Dylan

Do you think flies call us walks?

I thought I had sinus issues only to discover it was all in my head.

Do toaster shaped bath bombs sound like a decent business idea?

What does a condom and a woman have in common?
If they’re not on the end of your cock they’re in your wallet.

Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong socks this morning.

Many years ago I had this crazy idea about writing a novel about the Civil War but then suddenly it was all gone with the wind.

Зяма обожает читать гороскопы. Это единственное место, где у него есть деньги, путешествия и идеальные отношения.

If your child is a transgender, does that make you transparent?

Friend of mine got drunk and went to an auction. He doesn't remember a lot.

Got a new eco-friendly suit made of cactus leaves.
I look really sharp in it.

“Wear the old coat and buy the new book.”
– Austin Phelps

A boomerang is just a frisbee for people with no friends.

What does an atheist fisherman believe? That there is no cod.

You know you’re a bad driver when Siri says: “In 400 feet, stop and let me out!”

Q - what do you call a group of whales playing instruments?
A - an Orcastra!!!

I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris, but it turns out that idea was taken.
I had another idea for one where the same agent is kidnapped with his wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.

Puns about sausage are the wurst!

Men who chase skirts in Scotland would get Kilt !

У него так давно не было женщины, что он уже стал поглядывать на жену...

I once threw a boomerang and it didn’t come back.
I now live in constant fear.

“It's very tiring having other people tell you how much they dig you if you yourself don't dig you.”
–Bob Dylan

What's white, yellow, green, yellow, white?
Answer: A buttered frog sandwich.

"You're on earth. There's no cure for that."
— Samuel Beckett

– Это не канифоль.
– Нужно говорить "не комильфо".
– А разве это не симфонии?
– Нет, это не синонимы.

The fact that disappointing is not the opposite of appointing is quite disappointing.

I am so fed up with people, at times i hate being a cannibal.

What's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?
The refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.....

Did everyone forget the abbreviation for Maine or is it just ME?

Getting nervous that I’m being followed around by a large wading bird. I think I’m being storked.

Dickinson is a really weird surname when you break it apart.

I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I'm not an actor.

What building in New York has the most stories?
The Public Library.

I stay awake at night wondering why monosyllabic has 5 syllables.

This bloke came up to me in the High street today and said: "Have you got a light mate?"
I said: "Yes, his name is Tony and he weighs about 6 stone 2 pounds".

Q. What do you do when an elephant cums through your window?
A. Swim for your life.

Me: Someone we know is possessed by an owl
Friend: Who?
Me: [narrows eyes]

Swedish guy walks into ABBA....

My ears are burning that means someones talking about me.
They're probably saying something like "Why's that idiot got his head in the oven".

If you rip a hole in a net, you would have fewer holes in it.

" Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them."
By William Shakespeare, Twelfth Night

What washes up on really tiny beaches?
Microwave.

Изю приговорили к смертной казни...
-Ваше последнее желание?
-Хочу манго.
-Но сейчас же январь.
-Я подожду.

What's the most popular computer in Scandinavia ? The Lapp top .

John Travolta’s pepper farm business is going well. He’s got chillis, they’re multiplying.

I slept so badly last night I started reading the dictionary.
By 4am I was past caring...

“Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside - remembering all the times you've felt that way.”

Charles Bukowski

How do you greet a Scarecrow?

"HAY MAN!"

If bowlers are to successfully go on strike will they still have to play?

Don’t let anyone else ruin your day. It’s YOUR day, ruin it yourself.

Phew! I am so relieved, all my test results came back negative
(What is IQ anyway?)

If you want a job at a moisturizer factory, you should apply twice a day.

A failed mushroom hunter is a man without morels.

A man walks into a seafood store carrying a trout under his arm.
“Do you make fish cakes?” he asked.
“Yes, we do,” replied the fishmonger.
“Great,” said the man, “It’s his birthday.”

The grave robbers exhumed bob marleys coffin but failed to open the lid cus it kept jamming.

My wife asked me how I can chop onions without crying. I told her the trick is to not get attached.

Телевидение показывает нам мир в котором мы могли бы жить, если бы жили в телевизоре.

We were traveling, and tried a Chinese restaurant. But they had this ceremony; it was teadious, and we were oolong way from home.

Judge: “Can’t you settle this out of court?”
Defendant: “That’s what we were doing when the police interfered.”

We've missed our favorite tea at the Chinese restaurant where we often dine, but we've been getting oolong.