Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Corona is similar to programming languages.

Every year, it evolve with new version and new features.

В каждой женщине живёт стриптизёрша. Главное смешать напитки в правильной пропорции.

Went to the local store to get some screws.
He said how long do you want them ?
I said I was hoping to keep them.

I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.

Many people think that Edgar Allan Poe was a raven madman.

Batteries are pre-paid electricity.
The cost per kWh is insane $80.

I received a call that my appointment was cancelled. I was disappointed!

I bought something for 94 cents and gave the cashier a dollar. I knew what change to expect.
Must be my sixth sense!

Do jellyfish ever get lonely because there are no peanut butter fish?

I missed my nap today,
I slept right through it.

Advice for people wanting to start programming :
1- learn a difficult language first like html. Then python. But only learn the easy stuff
2- call your self a programmer at all times.
3- tell people you use Linux even if you don't
4- never use google as a research hub. Always ask on the groups first .
5- after you learn the easy basic post on every group who wants to learn python. People will think you are cool
6- always use ALT+F4 to test your code. But only when it's done
Follow me for more programming advice

My wife was in tears when she called me from A&E, I said what's wrong, she said I've just seen my x-ray, I said dont talk to him, just ignore him.

Предпочитаю со всеми соглашаться.
Репутация понимающего и умного человека дорогого стоит.

A friend of mine wanted a bigger home for his growing family, so he sold his bungalow and bought a house, but that’s another storey.

I brought some batteries,
But they were not included,
So I had to buy them again.

“There are all kinds of stupid people that annoy me but what annoys me most is a lazy argument.”
~Christopher Hitchens

Кондуктор Надежда была доставлена в больницу с острым отравлением счастливыми билетиками.

I'd kill for a microwave that plays Europe's “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.

Company mergers expected in 2021:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally....
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang

С ГРЕХОМ ПОПОЛАМ ЖЕНЩИНА МОЖЕТ МНОГОГО ДОБИТЬСЯ!

I got gas for $1.39 yesterday!

.....too bad it was from Taco Bell.

What kind of travelers never get angry?

Nomads.

Judge said keep an eye on these two. They are the famous Wright brothers. They are a flight risk.

Guitar strings can play music- shoe strings can knot.

My mate said he’s the 1st person in the world to have a pigs heart as a transplant I said “that’s very interesting, it’s amazing what they can do now, were there any side effects & when did you have the Op?” He said “no there was no side effects and I’ve had the heart about a weeeeek”

Doctor: "I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?"
Nurse: "B positive."
Doctor: "Okay. I don't think this patient is dying."

"And so castles made of sand
Fall in the sea, eventually"
– Jimi Hendrix

Some patients are going to die and you have to learn to accept that. It's just part of being a dentist...

My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.

Tis better to love a short man than to never love a'tall.

What’s Dracula’s favourite type of coffee? Decoffinated.

So I rang the Royal Mint. I was very disappointed. It seems they only do one flavour.

How do trains eat?

Chew chew chew.....

This tape doesn’t even taste like Scotch.

Две пожилые одесситки втискиваются в переполненный автобус - одна в
переднюю дверь, другая - в заднюю. Одна кричит:
— Циля, тебе есть на чём сидеть?
— Есть!
— А чего не садишься?
— Так мест же нету!

I always wanted to learn how to juggle, but never had the balls for it.

So I bought fresh Peas for the first time and threw the PODS away.

Yep, I just did my first PODcast!

Someday, I'm gonna own the largest collection of yellow highlighters in the world! Mark my words!

Q: Where do horses live?
A: In neigh-borhoods.

You know the difference between the swine flu and the bird flu?
The swine flu requires an oinkment, the bird flu gets a tweetment.

I wish I had money so I could be eccentric instead of just weird.

I wanted to become a monk but never got the chants.

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food right in front of you. I took her to Subway.

Our friend Pete owns a Japanese bar and restaurant. We go there for Pete's sake.

Did you know that 1 Vanilli is exactly 1000 Millivanilli?!

I've converted my car to run solely on herbs.
It's great.. I've always wanted to thyme travel..

I went to an AC/DC concert last night...it shook me all night long.

Can someone please tell me where the 'any' key is on a keyboard??

Old MacDonald loaned me cash. He I, he I owe.

Kid: "Dad what's leather made from?"
Dad: "Hide".
Kid: "What???"
Dad: "Hide... a cows outside".
Kid: "I'm not afraid of a cow..."

"You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it."
~ Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.

Four out of ten people can ride a horse.... per the latest Gallop poll...

What kind of cars do elephants drive?
Convertibles with lots of trunk space.

Where was the Magna Carta signed?

At the bottom.

When a plant is hurt do you think the other's photosympathize with it?

Adulting is not for everyone.
I’m not kidding.

I spent my entire life savings on pasta.
It was worth every penne.

I have an unexplainable irrational fear of over-engineered buildings.
It's a complex-complex complex.

Why is it so easy to weigh fish?
because they have scales.

We pay taxes on money we earn to pay taxes on money we spend.

A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

Do cold callers get fired or do they just chill?

- Миша, я дико извиняюсь, но вы спали с моей женой?
- Одну минуточку, сейчас посмотрю (*листает блокнот*)... Да, Яков Ефимович, спал.
- Миша, я недоволен!
- Минуточку (*снова листает блокнот*)... Я тоже.

Я верю только в ту часть астрологии, которая говорит мне, что я красивый, смешной и сексуальный.

When do you go at red and stop at green?
When you’re eating a watermelon.

I have a friend that works in a clock factory.
He gets paid to stand around and make faces all day.

Если женщина вас полюбила,это не ваша заслуга. Это её эксперимент.

I wanted to post a pun about loans but y'all will lose interest.

Can a comedian in a wheel chair still do standup comedy?

Flatearthers: if the Earth is flat, why is the sky called the atmosphere, not atmosflat?

Заходит как то давление в один бар в один бар...

As I get older, I think of all the people I've lost along the way.

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me?

I went to a museum and asked if I could take a few pictures. The guard was adamant that the pictures stay on the walls.

“All poets write bad poetry. Bad poets publish them, good poets burn them.”
Umberto Eco

I was home alone naked in the bathtub when suddenly there was a tap on my shoulder.

Why is an Elephant big and grey?

Because if it was small and purple it would be a grape.

Dad named David:
"If I ever had a son, I would name him Harley, so that everyone would go, 'Yeah, that's Harley, David's son!' "

50 years ago you had to get really fucking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.

They say that 1 in 3 people cheat in a relationship.
To be honest i'm not sure if it's my wife or my girlfriend.