Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

"If you look for perfection, you'll never be content."
~ Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

A friend asked me once “Is the Aurora Borealis heavy?”

I said, no, it’s pretty light...”

Японская народная мудрость.
Человек как меч:
или делает своё дело, или тупой.

Why does Edward Woodward have 4 d's
in his name?

Because otherwise he'd be called E-war woo-war...

“Come on in,” said one friend to the other.
“Does he bite?” he asked pointing at the dog.
“That’s what I want to find out. I only got him this morning.”

- Дорогая, что это ты приготовила?
- Это яйцо паштет.
- Может, пашот?
- Должно было быть пашот, но получился паштет.

I just changed my computer login password to “Alcatraz” and now the “Esc” button won’t work.

Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn't be allowed to talk.

Несите чушь бережно, стараясь не расплескать.
Хороша только полная чушь.

Note to self: don’t set your password reminder as “you should know this”.

Chillin': The art of doing nothing without being bored.

Сергей понял сразу, что у Ани семья очень интеллигентная,
когда узнал, что их кота зовут Шнырь.

I go to the zoo to watch the monkeys wanking, but they don't seem to like it.

I told my wife how I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.

She unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer.

What did the septic truck driver say before starting his work day?

Doodie calls.

All these years of technological developments and I still haven’t seen a color photo of a panda or a zebra.

It's never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in which case yes, it's too late.

Last time I was in London I said to a passer by "Excuse me, how do I get to Paddington?"

"I would steal his marmalade sandwiches...That should work" he replied

I was having breakfast in a cafe this morning and two waitresses had a massive row over how long to leave a teabag in the cup and it got so bad it ended up in violence.
I asked the manager what had happened and he told me it had been brewing for ages.

I often wondered what it'd be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

The cast of “Friends” got stuck at sea in a boat but thankfully nothing happened.

Because Lisa Kudrow.

Got a pet zebra, didn’t realize how hungry they are.
He eats like a horse.

Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.

Sure you can try and tell me what to do. Or you can keep your teeth.

Customer: “Waiter, taste this soup”.
Waiter: “Why sir, what’s wrong with it?”
Customer: “Just taste it will you?”
Water: “ Sir, if there is something wrong with the soup we will happily replace it for you”.
Customer: “Look, just taste the bloody soup!”
Waiter: “OK sir, (pause), um, where’s the spoon?”
Customer: “Ah Ha”.

“Grandbrother” sounds much cooler than uncle.

What do you get if you cross a dog with a tiger?
A very nervous postman.

School taught me a lot of stuff, but the most useful was how to get ready in 15 minutes.

В отличие от самки богомола, самка человека выедает самцу голову задолго до секса..

“To the intelligent man or woman, life appears infinitely mysterious. But the stupid have an answer for every question.”
—Edward Abbey

I think I really deserve an Oscar for acting like everything at work is fine.

“Painting is poetry that is seen rather than felt, and poetry is painting that is felt rather than seen.”
— Leonardo da Vinci.

Right now,
I'm having amnesia & deja vu at the same time
I think I forgotten this before.

The first man married to a robot recently filed for a divorce. He couldn't turn her on anymore.

- у тебя круги под глазами.
- это границы реальности.

Лучший подарок - это деньги. Ни один, человек ни скажет - у меня такой уже есть.

My uncle who died last week chose to be vaporised instead of being buried. He will be sadly mist.

—¿¡QUÉ COJONES LE HAS HECHO AL COCHE!?
—Papá, fue un accidente.
—Tú también fuiste un accidente y aún así te cuidamos todos, gilipollas.

I'm not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.

I made a list of all the things to do in Prague. It’s a Czech list;

Sadly, the guy who invented the Frisbee died yesterday.
Apparently he caught something that was going round.

Some bloke just offered me a free gate.
I said: "What's the catch?"
He said: "It's the bit that allows it to open and close..."

My wife said I was the perfect husband today ........
Or was it something about not listening to her properly?

Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram.
We had to bore people in person with photo albums.

You washed your hands?
Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.

Did you know?
The dumbest animal in the jungle is the Polar Bear.

Howlong does it take for a nurse to change a light globe?
About 15 seconds to change the globe and 20 minutes to document it.

How many real men does it take to change a light globe.
None Real men aren’t scared in the dark.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are at the back of the crowd watching a street juggler. The juggler noticed the guys had trouble seeing him so he stands on a large wooden box and shouts, "Can you see me now?" They answer one at a time: "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja."

- Why documentation is like sex?
- Every programmer want it, very few have it.

"You're on earth. There's no cure for that."
— Samuel Beckett

—Papá, cómprame un helado.
—No.
—Porfa.
—¡QUE NO!
—¿Por qué nunca me compras uno?
—Porque yo quería que fueras médico, no heladero.

Everyone’s an optimist when it comes to their cars fuel gauge.

I tried to write a drinking
song but I couldn't get
past the first bar.

Son: Where are my sunglasses?
Dad: I don't know... where are my dadglasses?

Most kids today wont understand the joy of playing with the telephone cord.

What does a snowman take when hes feeling ill?

A chill pill.

Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention.
I laughed more than I thought.

My friend Jay just had baby girl triplets and he wanted to name them after him.
I suggested Kay, Elle, and Em.

I often wonder how things worked out for that guy who grabbed the bull by the horns.

I worked at a factory that built cannons. One day I got tired and took a nap in a barrel. Later that day I got fired!

Two blondes walking down the sidewalk. A man says hey you look alike, are you sisters? The girls just laughed and said, no, we're not even Catholic.

What do you call James Bond taking a bath? Bubble-07!

What kind of cup doesn't hold water? Cupcake.

I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.

Chickens: The only animals you eat before they're born AND after they're dead.

A secret is what you tell everyone not to tell anyone else.

The only thing I love more than cake is cakes.

Warning!!! never buy Jeans in France as they’ll either be Tulong or Toulouse.

А помните, как взрослые говорили, что мы от телевизора отупеем? А потом оказалось, что не мы...

I've been off work all week
Because my pet cow is sick,
My boss thinks I'm milking it.

I've just joined the coastguard, it should be a easy job because who's going to try to steal the coast ?

Funny thing about Banks , they only want to Loan you money when you don’t need it.

There was a tap on my door this morning,
I really must get a new plumber.

" We have to continually be jumping off cliffs and developing our wings on the way down."
-Kurt Vonnegut

My wife told me she wished I had the body of a young muscled and sexy man.
She laughed when I said I do.
Then I told her to look in the closet.

Did you know, every planet in the solar system is named after a god? Except Earth, which is named after all that stuff on the ground.

I went to the barber's today and asked for a hair cut like Tom Cruise".
So he put a cushion on the chair...

My kid really wanted to be home schooled, but the school wouldn't accept him!

I'm trying to scare away a crow with a gun, no idea where he got the gun from though.