Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What do you call a kleptomaniac bunny?

A grabbit.

How frightened is a skeleton?
Scared to death.

What’s the opposite of coffee? Sneezy.

Latest diet failed again!
Now going to concentrate on getting taller.

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81. He said no.

I’ve started a lawn cleanup business.
I’m really raking in the cash.

My mom keeps asking me questions like, “when are you going to be famous?” I tell her, “as soon as they find the bodies.”

Jesus' fav car is??... Christ-ler.

The reference from my last employer at the stone and granite place said I was counter productive.

Did you know that there is a strict social hierarchy in the fishing community? That's right, there's a caste system.

I just got my permit to harvest shrimp in the Antarctic. Now I have a licence to Krill.

I’m in a band called ‘The Defibrillators ‘. We are a revival band.

What do you call a man obsessed with boobs? A chestnut.

I'm no chemist, but the opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A router goes to see the doctor, and the doctor asks, "What seems to be the problem?"

The router replies "It hurts when IP".

Why did the tightrope walker visit the bank?

He wanted to check his balance.

If men jerk-off then do women jerk-in?

Why did the math teacher enjoy the park?

All the natural logs.

Брачное агентство для геев еле сводит концы с концами.

Son: Dad, where do you work?
Me: I hunt extraterrestrials
Son: Extraterrestrials don't exist!
Me: Have you seen one?
Son: No...
Me: You're welcome...

—
Папа, а число звёзд не небе бесконечно?
— Конечно, сынок.

I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular

Hey, you know where Cillian Murphy keeps all his paperwork? In a peaky binder.

My friend sent me a joke in the mail, took me a couple of days to get it 🙂

I went to see a psychic and she said: "There's something brewing."
I said: "Beer?"
She glared and snarled: "No, something very evil."
I replied: "Non-alcoholic beer?"

Just bought an original Van Gogh coffee table. I know it's original because there's a bit of veneer missing.

I'm a responsible person.
People are always saying, "I know you're responsible for this".

You haven't experienced awkward, until you tickle someone who isn't ticklish.

My new hobby collecting calculators is going well, have over 100 already. Amazing how quickly they add up.

Bloke 1: "What do you do for a living?"
Bloke 2 "I'm a spy."
Bloke 1: "Why are you dressed as a shepherd?"
Bloke 2: "I'm a shepherd spy."

Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.

Не все способны оценить нудизм по достоинству.

Is the "S" or the "C" silent in the word "scent"?

On poker night, we always had a brief spelling bee to determine who the first dealer would be. Our rule: Whoever spelt it, dealt it.

A new funeral home is being built directly across the street from an existing one. Looks like there will be some stiff competition.

"If you look for perfection, you'll never be content."
~ Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

A friend asked me once “Is the Aurora Borealis heavy?”

I said, no, it’s pretty light...”

Японская народная мудрость.
Человек как меч:
или делает своё дело, или тупой.

Why does Edward Woodward have 4 d's
in his name?

Because otherwise he'd be called E-war woo-war...

“Come on in,” said one friend to the other.
“Does he bite?” he asked pointing at the dog.
“That’s what I want to find out. I only got him this morning.”

- Дорогая, что это ты приготовила?
- Это яйцо паштет.
- Может, пашот?
- Должно было быть пашот, но получился паштет.

I just changed my computer login password to “Alcatraz” and now the “Esc” button won’t work.

Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn't be allowed to talk.

Несите чушь бережно, стараясь не расплескать.
Хороша только полная чушь.

Note to self: don’t set your password reminder as “you should know this”.

Chillin': The art of doing nothing without being bored.

Сергей понял сразу, что у Ани семья очень интеллигентная,
когда узнал, что их кота зовут Шнырь.

I go to the zoo to watch the monkeys wanking, but they don't seem to like it.

I told my wife how I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.

She unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer.

What did the septic truck driver say before starting his work day?

Doodie calls.

All these years of technological developments and I still haven’t seen a color photo of a panda or a zebra.

It's never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in which case yes, it's too late.

Last time I was in London I said to a passer by "Excuse me, how do I get to Paddington?"

"I would steal his marmalade sandwiches...That should work" he replied

I was having breakfast in a cafe this morning and two waitresses had a massive row over how long to leave a teabag in the cup and it got so bad it ended up in violence.
I asked the manager what had happened and he told me it had been brewing for ages.

I often wondered what it'd be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

The cast of “Friends” got stuck at sea in a boat but thankfully nothing happened.

Because Lisa Kudrow.

Got a pet zebra, didn’t realize how hungry they are.
He eats like a horse.

Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.

Sure you can try and tell me what to do. Or you can keep your teeth.

Customer: “Waiter, taste this soup”.
Waiter: “Why sir, what’s wrong with it?”
Customer: “Just taste it will you?”
Water: “ Sir, if there is something wrong with the soup we will happily replace it for you”.
Customer: “Look, just taste the bloody soup!”
Waiter: “OK sir, (pause), um, where’s the spoon?”
Customer: “Ah Ha”.

“Grandbrother” sounds much cooler than uncle.

What do you get if you cross a dog with a tiger?
A very nervous postman.

School taught me a lot of stuff, but the most useful was how to get ready in 15 minutes.

В отличие от самки богомола, самка человека выедает самцу голову задолго до секса..

“To the intelligent man or woman, life appears infinitely mysterious. But the stupid have an answer for every question.”
—Edward Abbey

I think I really deserve an Oscar for acting like everything at work is fine.

“Painting is poetry that is seen rather than felt, and poetry is painting that is felt rather than seen.”
— Leonardo da Vinci.

Right now,
I'm having amnesia & deja vu at the same time
I think I forgotten this before.

The first man married to a robot recently filed for a divorce. He couldn't turn her on anymore.

- у тебя круги под глазами.
- это границы реальности.

Лучший подарок - это деньги. Ни один, человек ни скажет - у меня такой уже есть.

My uncle who died last week chose to be vaporised instead of being buried. He will be sadly mist.

—¿¡QUÉ COJONES LE HAS HECHO AL COCHE!?
—Papá, fue un accidente.
—Tú también fuiste un accidente y aún así te cuidamos todos, gilipollas.

I'm not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.

I made a list of all the things to do in Prague. It’s a Czech list;

Sadly, the guy who invented the Frisbee died yesterday.
Apparently he caught something that was going round.

Some bloke just offered me a free gate.
I said: "What's the catch?"
He said: "It's the bit that allows it to open and close..."

My wife said I was the perfect husband today ........
Or was it something about not listening to her properly?

Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram.
We had to bore people in person with photo albums.