Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My wife said she's leaving me because of my plant obsession... I said, "For fuck sake petal, where did all this stem from?"

Yesterday I went to a BBQ and met the grill of my dreams.

"No one has ever become poor by giving."

• Anne Frank.

How do you fix a broken pizza? With tomato paste.

Son: "Dad, why are you wearing a suit made of crackers?"

Dad: "I'm puttin' on the ritz!"

I was in the gym this morning when I noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to get my finger in.
Anyway, she's now made a formal complaint and I'm barred for life.!!

How many car salesmen does it take to change a light bulb?
I’m just going to work this out on my calculator, and I think you’re going to be pleasantly surprised.

Where did young Dracula go, to learn how to write?

Pencilvania.

У нерешительных самоубийц вопрос о суициде всегда в подвешенном состоянии..

As a kid my parents could only afford a second hand calculator which was missing the X button. Times were hard!

Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.

‘Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half the population is more stupid than that.’ George Carlin

- Принеси кофе.
- А по-хорошему попросить не можешь?
- Принеси кофе по-хорошему.

При разгоне гей-парада полицией обе стороны обзывали друг друга одними и теми же словами...

It's not that I'm judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.

I got stopped by a Market Researcher the other day and she said "Do you mind if I ask you 10 quick questions?", so I agreed. She said "Question 1: Have you ever blacked out through too much drugs & alcohol? - I answered "No". She said "And finally Question 10:"

Is scepticism actually a real thing?......I’m not so sure.

When I die, I request that my remains be scattered around Disney Land.

Also, I don't want to be cremated.

If you die and get cremated, you can be put into an hourglass and still be included in family game night.

What do you call a chance to jump?
Hopportunity.

Today is National stay at home with your dog and drink day!
Its not official.
I made it up,
Tell the others.

A male fly notices a rather attractive female fly lounging on a pile of cow manure.
The male fly swoops down next to her and says, "Excuse me love, but is this stool taken?"

- Дорогая, а ты зачем на бокс записалась?
- Потом узнаешь.

Would have started saving money in kindergarten if I knew my life was like this.

Now I'm getting older, I can't enjoy alphabet spaghetti without my reading glasses.

The best relationship advice I can give you is make sure you're the crazy one.

Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.

Never be friends with an undertaker...they always let you down in the end!

As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.

A vicar, a priest, and a rabbit walk into a bar.
Landlord asks the rabbit, “ what would you like to drink”?
“ I’ve no idea “ he says,
“ I’m only here because of predictive txt “......

Showed my doctor my bruise, and we came to the same contusion...

Не откладывать на потом у меня получается только деньги.

I'm developing a meal service for divorcees. I'm thinking of calling it Fed Ex.

Sad news, today I attended the funeral of a friend who had been hit on the head with a tennis ball

It was a lovely service.

Why don't dinosaurs make good pets?

Because they're dead.

Why dud the dietician send her clients to the paint store?
You could get thinner there.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Groucho Marx

My wife said if we ever get a holiday this year she'd like to go somewhere completely different where she's never been before??
The kitchen it is then!

Where does bad light end up?
In prism.

How does a tailor moorhis boat to the jetty?
He uses a bow tie.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
A: To get to the same side.

How do chickens leave the town hall?
They use the eggs-it.

Wednesdays are the middle finger of the week.

Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.

What does a liar do after he dies?
He lies still.

Two crisps strolling down the road..
Car pulls up and the driver winds down the window and say 'Do you two want a lift?'
Crisps reply ' no thanks mate, we're Walkers'

- Вы доктор?
- Нет, математик.
- Там человек не дышит, может поможете?
- Минус один.

I hired a landscape Gardner to help with my garden.
He said he couldn't help as my garden is portrait.

I use to go out with a bricklayers daughter.....
Cement the world to me.

"Half a dozen" because saying '6' is way too long.

Lo que la mujer quiere de ti:
Todo y nada, en diferentes momentos pero al mismo tiempo. A veces y nunca, pero siempre.
¡Benditas mujeres!

I don’t always have time to study, but when I do, I don’t.

Oye, ¿por qué no me contestabas el teléfono?

—Perdón, es que lo tenía en modo "ahorita no estés chingando"

I've spent many sleepless nights trying to work out why my sister's got two brothers but I've only got one.

It hurts me to say this...
.
.
.
.
.
But, I have a sore throat.

Went to a Blur concert...
couldn't see much.

“Poetry is the first and last of all knowledge – it is as immortal as the heart of man.”
~ William Wordsworth

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Big fingers!

Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you'll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.

I don't have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.

What does Trump's security tell him when he is attacked?
Donald, Duck.

The library book that was left outside overnight is now over dew.

You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.

I was delivering leaflets on flatulence awareness.
Unfortunately I let one rip.

It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.

Staying home is not so bad, but it's odd that one bag of coffee has 981 beans and the next 976.

While ferrying workers back and forth from our offshore oil rig, the helicopter I was on lost power and went down. Fortunately, it landed safely in a lake. Struggling to get out, one man tore off his seat belt, inflated his life vest and jerked open the exit door.
"Don't jump!" the pilot called out. "This thing is supposed to float!"
As the man leapt from the helicopter into the lake, he yelled back, "Yeah, and it's supposed to fly too!"

The kids had to recite a rhyme in class the following morning.
That morning Mary started:
Mary had a little hen
she kept it in a bucket
and every time she let it out
the rooster would chase it
"Mary! that doesn't rhyme!!" said the teacher
"It will when the rooster catches the bastard" said Little Johnny.

Робин Гуд впадал в ступор, встречая людей среднего достатка.

"Advice is like snow - the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind."
-Samuel Taylor Coleridge

I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn’t help me.

Just found out my wife has left me a stately home in her will.
I have no idea where Sod Hall is, I'm just off to Google it now!

'Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.'

— William Shakespeare

A friend of mine is a guitar player, but you have to leave the door open for him. He can never find the right key to come in.

I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"

“Don't threaten me with love, baby. Let's just go walking in the rain.”
Billie Holiday

Dear Stomach: You're bored, not hungry. Shut up.

After 5 years with the same chiropractor, I moved and had to change doctors. It was quite an adjustment.

To trick people into thinking I understand things at an art gallery I stand in front of every painting and silently count to twenty.

There's only two things I'm really terrible at..

Maths.