Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I wonder if my Vets receptionist realises how many peoples passwords she knows.

I’ve been searching for my stolen bed.
And I won’t rest until I find it.

“I’m going to tell you something: thoughts are never honest. Emotions are.”
- Albert Camus

La clave para entenderse es la puta comunicación.

Only Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday.

So I said to the waitress: "What’s the duck like?”
She said "Like a chicken, but it can swim”.

Took my son out for his first pint today.
Got him a Fosters. He didn't like it so I had it.
Got him a Carlsberg. He didn't like that either, so I had that as well.
Same was with the Cider and Guinness...
By the time we got to the whiskey, I could hardly push the pram!

I just saw a bloke running down the road with a cape on...
I shouted: "Are you a Superhero...?"
He said: "No, I haven't paid for my haircut...!!!"

A long term employee at a chemicals factory has been charged with embezzlement.
When asked for comment the factory owner said he didn’t know how to react.

Тем, кто не видит, что жизнь прекрасна, надо просто переходить на более крепкие напитки.

A little girl was given a new teddy for her birthday. It was very cute but it’s eyes were crossed. She was asked what she would call her new toy. She immediately responded “Gladly”. “That’s an odd name, why “Gladly”?” she was asked. “Because that’s what Jesus called his”, she answered. Which got the bemused question, “What do you mean?” “It’s in the bible”, the little girl replied. “Jesus said, “gladly my cross I’d bear””.

I saw a yogurt floating across my kitchen. I think it might be paranormal activia.

What do you call a dinosaur fart?
A blast from the past.

Идиоты у нас не переводятся, а если и переводятся, то с повышением по службе...

I've just read that taking your bike to work everyday is good for the environment, so I thought, oh well, why not?
It's not like I'm using the roof rack for anything else!

Wife: "Honey, I'm going to the store, do you want anything?"
Husband: "I want a sense of meaning and purpose in my life. I want to connect with my inner self."
Wife: "Be specific. Johnny Walker or Jack Daniels?"

Making car payments is the lease of my worries.

"If the truth shall kill them, let them die."
• Ayn Rand

I recently bought a manual on philosophy.
But Immanuel Kant explain it properly.

Дружба между мужчиной и женщиной возможна, но всегда нужно иметь при себе презервативы.

Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.

„It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.“
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

Chuck Norris can write infinite recursion functions…and have them return.

I'm "used to get kicked off the internet when the house phone rang" years old.

Why do foxes need their own news channel?

A rabbit lives in the woods and wants to go and explore the nearby meadow. His mum says "if you go into the meadow, the fairy of the wood will turn you into an idiot."
He ignores his mum and the fairy of the wood does exactly what his mum says, and turns him into an idiot.
The moral of this story?
Hare today, goon tomorrow...

"For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow."
—Ecclesiastes, 1:18, The Bible

Latest news: The Photo store was robbed. Details later, as they develop.

How do these mall maps know i'm here?

My wife told me I'm starting to annoy her because I relate everything to Batman... What a joker!

I tried being modest once, as expected I was amazing at it.

What is white, black, and red all over?
A zebra killed by a lion.

So many people visit Japan and no one has seen a ninja.

Impressive.

"One should always be drunk . . . But what with? With wine, with poetry, or with virtue, as you choose. But get drunk."
- Charles Baudelaire

A girl takes a dress into the dry cleaners and asks for it to be cleaned.
The man, who is a little deaf, says, "Come again?"
The girl blushes and replies, "No, it's yoghurt this time."

Dr. Frankenstein entered a body building competition and soon realized he misunderstood the goal.

As a cruise liner passed a small island a passenger pointed excitedly at the shore.
There was a ragged, bearded man running up and down waving wildly.
“Who on earth is that?” She asked the Captain.
“I have no idea,” replied the Captain, “but he enjoys our visits. He waves and screams that way every time we go past.”

Bell, Bark and Kennel, a novel by Ivan Pavlov, chronicles the birth of the Salivation Army.

Hay tres cosas en la vida que se van y no regresan jamás: las palabras, el tiempo y las oportunidades.

What did the plate say to the refrigerator? "Stay cool. Dinner's on me."

My kids said "Dad can we go and see the bearded lady at the circus today?"I replied "I've told you before, Call her grandma and she's in an old peoples home.!!!

First rule in plumbing is to trust your basic in-sink.

The game Badminton implies the existence of the games of Goodminton and Alrightminton as well.

Is it true that in the army all Colonels eventually get promoted, or is that a generalization?

First rule of might club. Never commit to plans.

Q - what did the flame tell his parents when he fell in love?
A - “I’ve found the perfect match!”

My wife Alice just left me because I quote 1970's song lyrics all the time.
And I don’t know why she’s leaving, or where’s she’s gonna go...

What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your undies?
Your grandmother.

What's the definition of trust? Two cannibals having oral sex!

I'll never forget giving Noel Gallagher his first guitar, he said to me, "What's that knob at the front for?"I said, "It's Liam, he's the lead singer."

What came first, the chicken or the egg?
Not sure, but I know the wife was pretty angry when she started throwing stuff.

Un médico dijo: " La mejor medicina es el amor".
Alguien le preguntó: ¿Y si no funciona?.
El sonrió y le contestó: "Aumenta la dosis".

Why haven’t aliens visited us yet?
They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.

Why does McDonalds call it a drive thru when you have to drive AROUND the building?

С годами порох всё сильнее оттягивает пороховницы.

A 3ft tall man knocked at my door this morning.
I said: "Who are you?"
He said: "I'm the meter man".

What's the best time to go to the dentist?

2:30

Doctor, the end of my feet have gone white and taste of mint!
Dr: Sounds like you've got tic tac toe!

Невыносимых людей нет, есть узкие двери.

Why did the chef boil a shoe? He was making sole food.

I was wondering why monitors sleep and keyboards don't. Then it occurred to me that keyboards have two SHIFTS.

- Закатайте повыше рукав, будем делать вакцинацию.
- Ой, а в жопу можно?
- Можно. Но сначала - вакцинация.

I told a friend that I thought his pet zebra was a fake.

He said, “Well spotted”.

I'd tell you the joke about two tropical birds stuck together but its toucan fusing.

I was lying in my driveway thinking "Which of my mates just kicked the jack from under my car?"
The suspension was killing me.

Don’t be scared of making changes. Be scared of living the same shitty life because you didn’t change.
And spiders. Be scared of them too.

What’s Sisyphus’ least favorite band?
Rolling Stones.

Dancers took 5,6,7,8 because musicians took 1,2,3,4.

I've recently hired a pair of etiquette consultants.
They complement each other nicely.

Teacher: Mr Smith,I think you should buy Jimmy an encyclopaedia.
Dad: Rubbish,he can walk to school just like I had to.

Prince Philip is at the pearly gates, he is greeted by Diana, oh Diana what a beautiful halo you have. Diana replied "oh fuck off Philip, it's a steering wheel".

The young couple next door to me are making a sex tape , only they don't know it yet.

"In the end you should always do the right thing even if it’s hard."
— Nicholas Sparks

I’m mad, but not as mad as someone asking to see the rules in the middle of a monopoly game.

- Вы пожарник и спалили свою часть, так?
- Нет, не так... правильно пожарный, но вообще остальное верно...

Don’t bother looking up “impose”.

It’s next to impossible.

A man walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Beer pint of please a". The barman told him to leave. The man said, "Leave do why I to have?" and the barman said, "We don't allow bad language in here".

If you sent a werewolf to the moon would they just be a werewolf forever?

Q - what did the mountain climber name his son?
A - Cliff!

What has 18 legs & catches flies? A baseball team.