Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

therapist: you're going through a very turbulent time.
pilot: can somebody get this guy out of the cockpit.

My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, “Because I am feeling light headed.”

I'll go to the 4 corners of the earth to prove its round.

Сидит монах, молится: типа Господи - дай мне то, дай мне се, я постился, не грешил, праведный образ жизни вел...
Тут Бог из облака высовывается и говорит:
- Ага, не грешил, как же. А кто вчера послушницу трахал?!
Ну монах испугался, затараторил:
- Ой прости, Господи, грешного, Сатана попутал.
Бог поворачивается куда то в сторону, и спрашивает:
- Слышь, Люций - ты ему вчера говорил что нибудь?
Из-за облака голос:
- Нет. Я вообще впервые этого мудака вижу.
Бог достает блокнотик и говорит:
- Так и запишем: пиздел на Князя Тьмы...

What is a grudge?
Its where a Scotsman keeps his car.

I'd tell you a joke about oil but it's rather crude, and I know you all have a more refined sense of humor.

Все думают, что придёт время, а время только уходит.

Аннушка не смогла себе позволить по такой цене подсолнечное масло и ничего не разлила.

Сказочный дурак - единственный персонаж из сказок, встречающийся в реальной жизни.

Kinda feel bad for guitars.
They've been picked on all their lives.

What do you call a mushroom with a 12 inch willy?
A fungi to be with.

Why did the moon get kicked out of Walmart? It was mooning people!

POLITICS- the sound of many clocks in a room.

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin...

I walked past the YMCA yesterday, and there was a teenage boy sat outside stroking some feathers...

I said "Young man, there's no need to feel down...”

When Jesus was getting crucified, I wonder if he thought -

"I bet this will look fucking great on a necklace one day."

Why is Halloween a pedophiles favorite DAY?
Free delivery.

" Invisible things are the only realities."
~ Edgar Allan Poe

“Have you heard of Murphy’s law?”
"Yeah.”
“What is it?”
"If something can go wrong, it will.”
"Right, have you heard of Cole’s law?”
"No, what is it?”
"Thinly sliced cabbage!!”

I've got some great jokes about my kids being adopted.
But I can never find a good time to tell them.

Sometimes I STOP when it's not even Hammer time.

My father and I strongly believe the world would be better off without clichés.
Like father, like son.

People are like dogs: There's always someone who loves you for you and there's someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

What dinosaur lived in Canada?
'Toronto-saurus'

Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.

А человек может летать самостоятельно?
- Вверх нет...

If you think your job sucks, remember whenever a famous personality dies, someone at Wikipedia has to change all the verbs to past tense.

Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.

I could actually watch golf on TV if Land Mines were involved.

Me: What's wrong?
Wife: You're not supposed to say you have a favorite child.
Me: Everyone does secretly.
Wife: Well it should at least be one of ours.

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn...

Some folks play fetch with their cat!!
It's all fun and games for the dog, but I feel so bad for the kitty.

I asked my dog what's two minus two.
He said nothing.

“Now is no time to think of what you do not have.
Think of what you can do with that there is”
― Ernest Hemingway, The Old Man and the Sea

The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it.
Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.

What’s the difference between a foot and a camera?
The foot has five toes.
The camera has photos.

I started to study Scandinavian languages, but I never did Finnish.

“If a man can bridge the gap between life and death, if he can live on after he's dead, then maybe he was a great man.”

— James Dean

Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.

Wife: What are your plans for Easter?
Hubby: Same as Jesus...
Wife: What do you mean??
Hubby: I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday.
Wife: Thats awesome if you do that... I will be like Mary.
Hubby: What do you mean??
Wife: Show up pregnant without being touched by my hubby.
Hubby stayed home all Weekend.

My doctor really likes my choice of sensible footwear...
I overheard him telling his colleague that I had "Serious healthy shoes".

“The tongue is the only tool that gets sharper with use.”
• Washington Irving

When does a farmer dance? When the beet drops.

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman...

Why was the bald rabbit sad??

He lost his hare.

#csi
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken...

I know a joke about Easter, but it's wholly weak.

What do you do when your fruit spread goes flat?

You gotta pump up the jam.

– Ты кто?
– Пиздец.
– А почему такой полный?
– Не полный, а бодипозитивный.

"Memory foam pillow fights".

That's one fight you'll never forget.

The only difference between surfing and snowboarding... Is the temperature of the water.

Who mails mail to the mail man?

What can run but can’t walk? A drop of water.

Son, where are the Himalayas Dad ?
Father, if you put things away,
You'd know where to find them.

If you're not part of the solution...
You're a solid or a gas.

Watched a documentary about door handles. It was gripping.

Who is the most helpful sibling?
A sister.

Только начнёшь на круиз откладывать, то туалетная бумага закончится, то лампочка перегорит.

What do you get when you cross FedEx and UPS?
You get FED UP.

Q- What do they call 'Thai-Spa' in Thailand?
A- Spa.

My friend told me that she wanted to marry a witch doctor.
I asked her, “Why? What’s the appeal?”
She replied, “Pwobabwy the financial secuwity.”

How do Brazilians get ready for bed?
They put their paj-amazon!

An Englishman,an Irishman,a Scotsman and a doctor went into a pub.
The doctor said, ‘I’m awfully sorry, but I seem to be in the wrong joke.’

I try to live by 2 rules:
1. Don’t make fun of stupid people (they cant help it)
2. Don’t be stupid (people will make fun of you)

We have a guy in the office who we call "007".
0 work, 0 initiative, 7 bathroom breaks.

How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket.

Yesterday, I was trying to draw a cube, but I had a mental block.

We have been married a long time, but we don’t complete each other’s sentences. If she does a murder, she’s doing the whole stretch.

Instructor: "You've really gone above and beyond this time."
Student: "Thank you!"
Instructor: "This is archery class...so..."

What were the 2 Kebabs doing at the blood bank ?
They were Donor Kebabs.

You cannot save people
you can only love them.
—Anais Nin

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire, I'm a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes...

- Доченька, что тебе привезти из Германии?
- Привези мне, папинька, сантехника немецкого...

My son just asked me: what do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Pregnant!

'Eleven plus two' is an anagram of 'twelve plus one'.

Some stories are written with pen.
Some stories are written with pain.

I have been teaching my dog to fetch tools from my workshop...
He’s not perfect.
But he knows the drill now.

My girlfriend just asked me,When we go to Egypt, Can we go on a camel !
I said, No, It would take ages to get there on a camel.

Teacher,
You missed school yesterday, didn't you?
Little Johnny,
Yes, but not very much.

God is talking to Adam and Eve one day during the Creation. "Well, you two, I only have a couple more goodies left to hand out before my job is done. Which one of you wants to be able to pee standing up?"
Adam raises his hand and yells, "Me, me, pick me!" So God obliges .
God looks at Eve and says : "Well sorry Eve . . . but it looks like you're stuck with the multiple orgasms."