Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What do you call a tooth doctor who makes a lot of mistakes?

An acci-dentist!

What did the pen say to the pencil? ...... you’re looking sharp!

If I could time travel, I'd make sure the guy who made up the word Walkie-Talkie got to name more things.

I made a Caesar salad last night. I stabbed it 23 times...

Why was the garlic naked? It had taken off all its cloves.

Two cavemen are in a cave.
One caveman says "ug"
The other caveman says "ug"
The other caveman says "ug"
One caveman says "ug ug"
The other caveman says "Don't change the fucking subject!"

Почувствовав на себе теплую руку государства, проверь, не лезет ли оно тебе в карман.

I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it's obvious he had no idea how letters work.

What kind of cheese can you use to hide a horse?
Mascarpone.

I had a leak in the roof over my dining room so I called a repairman to take a look at it........
"When did you first notice the leak?" he asked.
I told him, "Last night..... when it took me two hours to finish my fuckin soup!"

A wife whispered to her husband, "honey, guess what, I'm not wearing any bra and panties today!"
Husband, "ah, that's why your face looks so stretched this afternoon ."

William Tell talking to his son,
"Do you know anyone who's good at shooting arrows?"
"Not off the top of my head Dad".

My dad gave me some advice when I was a teenager !.

He said, "Son, if you ever get into a fight in the pub, just take a ball from the pool table and put it in your sock."

Worst advice ever, I could hardly fucking run !!!!!

I've taken up speed reading.
Last night i read Harry Potter in 20 seconds.
I know its only 2 words but its a start.

This morning I noticed my neighbour was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor old buggar thought her cat understood her.

When I got home I told my dog. We laughed so much together !!

Наш учитель труда в школе любил выпить. Поэтому пол-урока был труд, а пол-урока - пение.

The criminal was so disorganized he was banned from organized crime.

When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.

Очень толстый работник свинофермы на всякий случай носит бейджик с надписью “сотрудник”.

A man is walking down the street, carrying a dry cell and some sodium chloride. A police officer, upon seeing him, promptly arrested him. "Why are you arresting me?" the man protests. "The charge is salt and battery!", the officer replied.

Can anyone please define the word concise ? Be short,brief and on point.

Where does a Starfish do their shopping?
The Gro-Sea-Store.

What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.

Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.

A Boy was having sex with a girl on a Railway track..
The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it..
He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants...
The driver shouts out to the boy "Do u realize that if I had not seen u, this would have been ur last f...!!!
Boy -'Listen dude, u were coming... She was coming.... and I was coming.... then I realised ....only You have Brakes

During his military service Elvis served in the bomb disposal team due to his experience with suspicious mines!

- Я с друзьями пивка выпью? - Иди пей, алкаш! - Да я раз в полгода с ними встречаюсь!
- Ленивый алкаш!

Irish guy goes on Mastermind:
"Your chosen subject?" Magnus Magnusson asked.
"Easter Rising of 1916, sir," replied Pat.
"Time starts now ... How long did the Easter Rising last?"
"Pass."
"Who led the Easter Rising of 1916?"
"Pass."
"How many men were involved in the Easter Rising of 1916?"
"Pass."
Suddenly an Irish voice boomed from the studio audience:
"That's right, Pat - don't tell the bastards anything!"

Всю жизнь я хотел кем-то стать и чего-то добиться.
Теперь я понимаю, что нужно было быть поконкретнее.

My wife said she's leaving me because of my plant obsession... I said, "For fuck sake petal, where did all this stem from?"

Yesterday I went to a BBQ and met the grill of my dreams.

"No one has ever become poor by giving."

• Anne Frank.

How do you fix a broken pizza? With tomato paste.

Son: "Dad, why are you wearing a suit made of crackers?"

Dad: "I'm puttin' on the ritz!"

I was in the gym this morning when I noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to get my finger in.
Anyway, she's now made a formal complaint and I'm barred for life.!!

How many car salesmen does it take to change a light bulb?
I’m just going to work this out on my calculator, and I think you’re going to be pleasantly surprised.

Where did young Dracula go, to learn how to write?

Pencilvania.

У нерешительных самоубийц вопрос о суициде всегда в подвешенном состоянии..

As a kid my parents could only afford a second hand calculator which was missing the X button. Times were hard!

Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.

‘Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half the population is more stupid than that.’ George Carlin

- Принеси кофе.
- А по-хорошему попросить не можешь?
- Принеси кофе по-хорошему.

При разгоне гей-парада полицией обе стороны обзывали друг друга одними и теми же словами...

It's not that I'm judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.

I got stopped by a Market Researcher the other day and she said "Do you mind if I ask you 10 quick questions?", so I agreed. She said "Question 1: Have you ever blacked out through too much drugs & alcohol? - I answered "No". She said "And finally Question 10:"

Is scepticism actually a real thing?......I’m not so sure.

When I die, I request that my remains be scattered around Disney Land.

Also, I don't want to be cremated.

If you die and get cremated, you can be put into an hourglass and still be included in family game night.

What do you call a chance to jump?
Hopportunity.

Today is National stay at home with your dog and drink day!
Its not official.
I made it up,
Tell the others.

A male fly notices a rather attractive female fly lounging on a pile of cow manure.
The male fly swoops down next to her and says, "Excuse me love, but is this stool taken?"

- Дорогая, а ты зачем на бокс записалась?
- Потом узнаешь.

Would have started saving money in kindergarten if I knew my life was like this.

Now I'm getting older, I can't enjoy alphabet spaghetti without my reading glasses.

The best relationship advice I can give you is make sure you're the crazy one.

Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.

Never be friends with an undertaker...they always let you down in the end!

As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.

A vicar, a priest, and a rabbit walk into a bar.
Landlord asks the rabbit, “ what would you like to drink”?
“ I’ve no idea “ he says,
“ I’m only here because of predictive txt “......

Showed my doctor my bruise, and we came to the same contusion...

Не откладывать на потом у меня получается только деньги.

I'm developing a meal service for divorcees. I'm thinking of calling it Fed Ex.

Sad news, today I attended the funeral of a friend who had been hit on the head with a tennis ball

It was a lovely service.

Why don't dinosaurs make good pets?

Because they're dead.

Why dud the dietician send her clients to the paint store?
You could get thinner there.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Groucho Marx

My wife said if we ever get a holiday this year she'd like to go somewhere completely different where she's never been before??
The kitchen it is then!

Where does bad light end up?
In prism.

How does a tailor moorhis boat to the jetty?
He uses a bow tie.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
A: To get to the same side.

How do chickens leave the town hall?
They use the eggs-it.

Wednesdays are the middle finger of the week.

Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.

What does a liar do after he dies?
He lies still.

Two crisps strolling down the road..
Car pulls up and the driver winds down the window and say 'Do you two want a lift?'
Crisps reply ' no thanks mate, we're Walkers'

- Вы доктор?
- Нет, математик.
- Там человек не дышит, может поможете?
- Минус один.

I hired a landscape Gardner to help with my garden.
He said he couldn't help as my garden is portrait.

I use to go out with a bricklayers daughter.....
Cement the world to me.

"Half a dozen" because saying '6' is way too long.

Lo que la mujer quiere de ti:
Todo y nada, en diferentes momentos pero al mismo tiempo. A veces y nunca, pero siempre.
¡Benditas mujeres!