Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I met a man named Mr. Ippy. His wife is Mrs. Ippy.

Дай дураку хрен стеклянный, он и хрен разобьет и руки порежет…

Stop hating yourself for everything.
Be specific.

I haven’t had sex in so long my foreskin is growing back.

100% of Americans think 50% of Americans have lost their minds.

У вас есть проблемы с алкоголем?
У меня нет.
Иду и покупаю.

What do whales eat near the Titanic?
Five Guys!!!

I read a book on how to end a sentence with Beatles songs.

I should finish it when I get back.

Monetization without creativity is a job.

Creativity without monetization is a hobby.

So…get creative, get monetized, and get paid.

It's a fact a lot of us do NOT know the meaning of the French word "pourquoi".
⚜️
Translate that into English and you'll see why.

Do they sell extra slutty olive oil ?

В российских школах отключат звонки, чтобы дети не ждали перемен.

There are countless more important things in life than money — if you have enough money.

I just laugh stuff off cause prison doesn’t cook the food I like.

"Happiness is just results minus expectations."

- The Psychology of Money

If you own a strip club in Poland, you have to polish your Polish pole with Polish pole polish.

I'm so poor, when someone stole my identity it ruined their life.

Happy slaves are the biggest enemy of freedom.

Tips for giving head: just do it.

Girls don't actually shop...

We just walk around touching clothes saying "This is cute".

Them: what inspires you to get out of bed every morning?

Me: my bladder mostly.

Guys, I know this sounds crazy, but I'm starting to think politicians make false promises just to get elected.

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
— John 3:16

“Call upon me, I will respond to you.”
— Quran 40:603

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?
— Psalm 27:1

“No one will reap except what they sow.”
— Quran 6:1646

“’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’”
— Jeremiah 29:11

“Do not lose hope, nor be sad.”
— Quran 3:1392

I never delete work emails just incase people start acting up...

"I'm sorry Susan, that's not what you were saying on January 2nd 2019 at 10:48am".

What's whisky?

Wussian woulette.

I just saw a sign that made me piss myself.

'Toilet Closed.'

My ex husband just texted me, "Wish you were here."

He does that every time he walks through a cemetery.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."
Bible (Christianity) - Proverbs 3:5-6:

"There is no compulsion in religion. The right direction is henceforth distinct from error."
Quran (Islam) - Surah Al-Baqarah 2:256:

"You have the right to work only but never to its fruits. Let not the fruits of action be your motive, nor let your attachment be to inaction."
Bhagavad Gita (Hinduism) - Chapter 2, Verse 47:

"To avoid all evil, to cultivate good, and to cleanse one's mind — this is the teaching of the Buddhas."
Dhammapada (Buddhism) - Verse 183:

"There is but one God. True is His Name, creative His personality and immortal His form. He is without fear sans enmity, unborn and self-illumined. By the Guru's grace, He is obtained."
Guru Granth Sahib (Sikhism) - Page 1:

"The Way of the Gods is manifested in the natural world, and the spirits of the departed are close to us."
- Kojiki (Shinto)

"The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao. The name that can be named is not the eternal name."
Tao Te Ching (Taoism) - Chapter 1:

"Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful."
- Buddha, Buddhism

"In truth, all life is sorrowful. Whoever understands this, understands life."
- The First Noble Truth, Buddhism

"Indeed, Allah is with the patient."
- Surah Al-Anfal (8:46)

"And say, 'My Lord, increase me in knowledge.'"
- Surah Ta-Ha (20:114)

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."
- Proverbs 3:5-6

"The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace."
- Numbers 6:24-26

"Love your neighbor as yourself."
- Leviticus 19:18

"Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one."
- Deuteronomy 6:4

"In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth."
- Genesis 1:1

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."
- John 3:16 (NIV)

"Verily, with every difficulty there is relief."
- Surah Al-Inshirah (94:5-6)

"Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear."
- Surah Al-Baqarah (2:286)

"In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful."
- Surah Al-Fatihah (1:1)

"Jesus answered, 'I am the way, the truth, and the life.'"
- John 14:6

"Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you?"
- 1 Corinthians 3:16

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things."
- Matthew 6:34

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love." -
1 Corinthians 13:13

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."
- Joshua 1:9

On a lighter note, I like Zippos.

I'm old enough to know better but I don't let that get in my way when it comes to making poor decisions.

The government pays Chuck Norris taxes.

My girlfriend is like a goddess...

My friends and family don't believe she exists.

Google tip.
Always add the word 'recipe ' when googling 'Asian cream pie'.

Noel Gallagher was sad to sell his private jet and as he walked away his manager saw Liam next to it celebrating his purchase.
Manager urged Noel away saying "don't look back in hangar."

Заполняя анкету, в графе "национальность" Яша Рабинович написал: "А шо такое случилось?".

Портной клиентам не отказывает!
Портной их отшивает!

“I need a battery, please.”

“Is it for a clock?”

“I don’t know. That’s why I need a battery.”

Did you know that too much sex can cause memory loss?

I read that in a medical journal on page 64, at 2:34pm on Friday 15th of August, 2021.

Be thankful it's not snowing.

Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.

Behind every husband who thinks he wears the pants.
Is a wife who told him which pants to wear.

Why the guy that invented braille didn't just put the dots in the shape of the actual letters?

What can you see twice in a week or once in every year – but not once in gazillion months?

The letter “e”.

Хороший секс – это когда потом при виде порнухи ты снисходительно улыбаешься.

Life advice: Make better decisions.

Canadians are nicer because they're closer to Santa.

What happens in your search history should stay in your search history.

Все успешные компании успешны одинаково. Каждая неуспешная набирает молодую дружную команду и динамично развивается.

We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my gf started punching me in the face.

I have no idea who let her into my office.

I once dated a girl who had bad eczema on her chest.....

Lovely girl, cracking pair of tits.

Sports are a distraction to keep the masses entertained while the 1% runs the show.

Don’t crack jokes about clitoris.
It is a sensitive spot for many people.