Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I wonder if Bell ever envisioned looking a pictures of kittens over his device?

I never thought I'd be the type of person to wake up early to exercise. Well, at least I was right about that.

Every time you forget about a cup of tea a small part of the universe dies forever.

What goes across comes across.
- Flat Earther

Got stopped by the police.
"Name?"
Me, "The Wizard of Oz."
Police, tapping foot. " Full name."
Me, "The Wizard of Ounces."

I don't workout to stay fit. I don't workout to be healthy. I don't workout to look good. OK, ok, I don't workout.

I'm hesitant to enter a sack race. I just don't know if my balls are fast enough.

A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents.

"This is Amanda."

His dad jumps up and says, "It's a fucking what?"

Everybody who says they want to go to space is already in space because the earth is in space.

I always name my vehicles, and have just bought the car from Back to the Future.

Shall I call it Del or Ian?

- Алло, МЧС? Помогите, меня похитили инопланетяне!
- Вы, что, пьяны?
- Да, так совпало.

If God created man in his own image
Why aren't we all invisible, undetectable and unreachable like him?

Those who seek the truth about the world will realize that its reins are held by an unelected elite, one that is hidden from the public eye.

"Security is tight around here..."

"Why are they from Yorkshire?"

My body isn’t a temple but one side of my forehead is.

They create your problems. They observe your reactions. Then they offer you their solutions.

Empty vessels make the most noise.

Disappointment is when you run into a wall with an erection,and break your nose!

I am so old I remember when global warming was called summer!

If you ever see me talking to myself, mind ya business...

I'm having a staff meeting.

I prefer my sex in three acts.
It's a tragedy.

Saw a porn film last night. A woman was giving a hand job to a joiner, a plumber, an electrician and a plasterer...

It was called, "Jack Off All Trades!"

What can a whole orange do a half one cannot?

Look round.

To the teachers that told me I'd never amount to much in life.
Lucky guess.

Remember before OnlyFans your mom just sold Avon.

Если муж делает вас счастливой, то какая разница, чей это муж?

A computer will never replace a human.
-Cannibal proverb

Stop the world, I want to get off.

I have this recurring nightmare where not only am I forced to become vegan, but I'm on a desert island and there's nobody to tell.

My dick has lead me to places I wouldn't even go with a gun.

Well, I was going to tell a joke about sewing machines but I ran out of material.

Tried to book tickets for Oppenheimer but it's fully booked all week.

They must be making a bomb.

I was on a train and this hot Thai chick sits next to me. I kept thinking to myself,
"Please don't get a boner, please!"

But she did!

The best monetary policy is no monetary policy.

Individuals should have FULL authority to hold and exchange any form of money.

Politically connected bankers should have NO authority to destroy your wealth through inflationary schemes.

Women never apologize. They just sleep naked and let you decide if you’re still mad or not.

I Wonder If The Mexicans Ever Say “ Let’s Go To The white people Restaurant “

Why aren’t hamburgers made out of ham?

Broke a mirror to insure I'll have seven more years.

Why don't keyboards sleep?

Because they have two shifts!

My son asked me, "What does déjà vu mean?"

I said, "I have a feeling you asked me this before!"

Lesbians shouldn't be able to buy dildos....you made your choice live with it.

Study finds 100% of men would eat any fruit given to them by a naked woman.

A dick a day keeps the vibrator away.

How does a graphic designer like their coffee?

#000000.

My nickname at school was Scarface.

I was really good at knitting.

The government no longer needs the police to enforce tyrannical rules because brainwashed people have assumed that role themselves.

What do you call a parrot in Antarctica?

A brrrrrd.

I often say to myself, “I can't believe that cloning machine worked!”

I tried imagining a world without alcohol and now I need a drink.

When the CIA kills a member of Al-Qaeda, do agents get the day off to mourn the loss of a coworker?

Leaving a man for cheating is like putting your kids up for adoption for misbehaving.

My Dad keeps buying more land in the Antarctic than he can afford.

He has buy polar disorder.

I always set two wake up alarms... one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am.

We now live in a nation where doctors destroy health, lawyers destroy justice, universities destroy knowledge, governments destroy freedom, the press destroys information, religion destroys morals, and our banks destroy the economy.

Plays and movies about female rulers have featured a lot of drama queens.

You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off the lights, so you can sit together, by the window, and listen to the neighbors fight.

The news is trauma based mind control.

When Chuck Norris walks into a movie theater with his cell phone on, they turn off the movie.

My wife asked me why I call her 12.

Dozen cook, dozen clean, dozen do anything.

if you were a child when Red Red Wine was released...

... UB40ish now

In a parallel universe Jesus is turning wine into water. He is NOT popular.

Teacher. "What's the longest sentence you can think of?"
Me. "Life imprisonment. "

I entered a sunbathing competition. I got bronze.

Awful news from my mate and his wife on honeymoon in Croatia.
He's just sent a text saying that tomorrow they're going to Split.

The Pharmaceutical industry DOES NOT create cures, they create customers.

When Chuck Norris finishes shaving, he puts aftershave on his razor.

I have a feng shui joke but I can’t place it.

Government is a disease masquerading as its own cure.

Why do painters never feel cold?

Because they always add more coats when needed.

How do you know when and where to say innuendos and double entendres?

Use your Hintuition.

Why are they called extra-terrestrials?

Surely aliens are less terrestrial than us?

"One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors."
~ Plato

The Selective Service System must be abolished and replaced with nothing.

No one should be forced into the state's reckless overseas wars.

Conscription is slavery.

Most Hollywood films have 2 different plots: a dumbed-down one for the public and a hidden one, using occult symbolism, for the 'enlightened'.

Hacking my neighbor’s 3D printer to make a dildo so he can go fuck himself.

"I can fart hard enough to inflate a car tire"

— Elon Musk

My girlfriend hates it when I tweet about my wife.

"If everyone demanded peace instead of a new TV set, then there'd be peace."
~ John Lennon

My ex never wore panties to cookouts....

It kept the flies off the food.

I googled 'Rorchsach Test', but all I got were a load of pornographic pictures.