Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

First rule of might club. Never commit to plans.

Q - what did the flame tell his parents when he fell in love?
A - “I’ve found the perfect match!”

My wife Alice just left me because I quote 1970's song lyrics all the time.
And I don’t know why she’s leaving, or where’s she’s gonna go...

What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your undies?
Your grandmother.

What's the definition of trust? Two cannibals having oral sex!

I'll never forget giving Noel Gallagher his first guitar, he said to me, "What's that knob at the front for?"I said, "It's Liam, he's the lead singer."

What came first, the chicken or the egg?
Not sure, but I know the wife was pretty angry when she started throwing stuff.

Un médico dijo: " La mejor medicina es el amor".
Alguien le preguntó: ¿Y si no funciona?.
El sonrió y le contestó: "Aumenta la dosis".

Why haven’t aliens visited us yet?
They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.

Why does McDonalds call it a drive thru when you have to drive AROUND the building?

С годами порох всё сильнее оттягивает пороховницы.

A 3ft tall man knocked at my door this morning.
I said: "Who are you?"
He said: "I'm the meter man".

What's the best time to go to the dentist?

2:30

Doctor, the end of my feet have gone white and taste of mint!
Dr: Sounds like you've got tic tac toe!

Невыносимых людей нет, есть узкие двери.

Why did the chef boil a shoe? He was making sole food.

I was wondering why monitors sleep and keyboards don't. Then it occurred to me that keyboards have two SHIFTS.

- Закатайте повыше рукав, будем делать вакцинацию.
- Ой, а в жопу можно?
- Можно. Но сначала - вакцинация.

I told a friend that I thought his pet zebra was a fake.

He said, “Well spotted”.

I'd tell you the joke about two tropical birds stuck together but its toucan fusing.

I was lying in my driveway thinking "Which of my mates just kicked the jack from under my car?"
The suspension was killing me.

Don’t be scared of making changes. Be scared of living the same shitty life because you didn’t change.
And spiders. Be scared of them too.

What’s Sisyphus’ least favorite band?
Rolling Stones.

Dancers took 5,6,7,8 because musicians took 1,2,3,4.

I've recently hired a pair of etiquette consultants.
They complement each other nicely.

Teacher: Mr Smith,I think you should buy Jimmy an encyclopaedia.
Dad: Rubbish,he can walk to school just like I had to.

Prince Philip is at the pearly gates, he is greeted by Diana, oh Diana what a beautiful halo you have. Diana replied "oh fuck off Philip, it's a steering wheel".

The young couple next door to me are making a sex tape , only they don't know it yet.

"In the end you should always do the right thing even if it’s hard."
— Nicholas Sparks

I’m mad, but not as mad as someone asking to see the rules in the middle of a monopoly game.

- Вы пожарник и спалили свою часть, так?
- Нет, не так... правильно пожарный, но вообще остальное верно...

Don’t bother looking up “impose”.

It’s next to impossible.

A man walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Beer pint of please a". The barman told him to leave. The man said, "Leave do why I to have?" and the barman said, "We don't allow bad language in here".

If you sent a werewolf to the moon would they just be a werewolf forever?

Q - what did the mountain climber name his son?
A - Cliff!

What has 18 legs & catches flies? A baseball team.

What do you call a tooth doctor who makes a lot of mistakes?

An acci-dentist!

What did the pen say to the pencil? ...... you’re looking sharp!

If I could time travel, I'd make sure the guy who made up the word Walkie-Talkie got to name more things.

I made a Caesar salad last night. I stabbed it 23 times...

Why was the garlic naked? It had taken off all its cloves.

Two cavemen are in a cave.
One caveman says "ug"
The other caveman says "ug"
The other caveman says "ug"
One caveman says "ug ug"
The other caveman says "Don't change the fucking subject!"

Почувствовав на себе теплую руку государства, проверь, не лезет ли оно тебе в карман.

I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it's obvious he had no idea how letters work.

What kind of cheese can you use to hide a horse?
Mascarpone.

I had a leak in the roof over my dining room so I called a repairman to take a look at it........
"When did you first notice the leak?" he asked.
I told him, "Last night..... when it took me two hours to finish my fuckin soup!"

A wife whispered to her husband, "honey, guess what, I'm not wearing any bra and panties today!"
Husband, "ah, that's why your face looks so stretched this afternoon ."

William Tell talking to his son,
"Do you know anyone who's good at shooting arrows?"
"Not off the top of my head Dad".

My dad gave me some advice when I was a teenager !.

He said, "Son, if you ever get into a fight in the pub, just take a ball from the pool table and put it in your sock."

Worst advice ever, I could hardly fucking run !!!!!

I've taken up speed reading.
Last night i read Harry Potter in 20 seconds.
I know its only 2 words but its a start.

This morning I noticed my neighbour was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor old buggar thought her cat understood her.

When I got home I told my dog. We laughed so much together !!

Наш учитель труда в школе любил выпить. Поэтому пол-урока был труд, а пол-урока - пение.

The criminal was so disorganized he was banned from organized crime.

When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.

Очень толстый работник свинофермы на всякий случай носит бейджик с надписью “сотрудник”.

A man is walking down the street, carrying a dry cell and some sodium chloride. A police officer, upon seeing him, promptly arrested him. "Why are you arresting me?" the man protests. "The charge is salt and battery!", the officer replied.

Can anyone please define the word concise ? Be short,brief and on point.

Where does a Starfish do their shopping?
The Gro-Sea-Store.

What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.

Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.

A Boy was having sex with a girl on a Railway track..
The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it..
He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants...
The driver shouts out to the boy "Do u realize that if I had not seen u, this would have been ur last f...!!!
Boy -'Listen dude, u were coming... She was coming.... and I was coming.... then I realised ....only You have Brakes

During his military service Elvis served in the bomb disposal team due to his experience with suspicious mines!

- Я с друзьями пивка выпью? - Иди пей, алкаш! - Да я раз в полгода с ними встречаюсь!
- Ленивый алкаш!

Irish guy goes on Mastermind:
"Your chosen subject?" Magnus Magnusson asked.
"Easter Rising of 1916, sir," replied Pat.
"Time starts now ... How long did the Easter Rising last?"
"Pass."
"Who led the Easter Rising of 1916?"
"Pass."
"How many men were involved in the Easter Rising of 1916?"
"Pass."
Suddenly an Irish voice boomed from the studio audience:
"That's right, Pat - don't tell the bastards anything!"

Всю жизнь я хотел кем-то стать и чего-то добиться.
Теперь я понимаю, что нужно было быть поконкретнее.

My wife said she's leaving me because of my plant obsession... I said, "For fuck sake petal, where did all this stem from?"

Yesterday I went to a BBQ and met the grill of my dreams.

"No one has ever become poor by giving."

• Anne Frank.

How do you fix a broken pizza? With tomato paste.

Son: "Dad, why are you wearing a suit made of crackers?"

Dad: "I'm puttin' on the ritz!"

I was in the gym this morning when I noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to get my finger in.
Anyway, she's now made a formal complaint and I'm barred for life.!!

How many car salesmen does it take to change a light bulb?
I’m just going to work this out on my calculator, and I think you’re going to be pleasantly surprised.

Where did young Dracula go, to learn how to write?

Pencilvania.

У нерешительных самоубийц вопрос о суициде всегда в подвешенном состоянии..

As a kid my parents could only afford a second hand calculator which was missing the X button. Times were hard!

Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.

‘Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half the population is more stupid than that.’ George Carlin

- Принеси кофе.
- А по-хорошему попросить не можешь?
- Принеси кофе по-хорошему.

При разгоне гей-парада полицией обе стороны обзывали друг друга одними и теми же словами...

It's not that I'm judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.