Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I don’t always have time to study, but when I do, I don’t.

Oye, ¿por qué no me contestabas el teléfono?

—Perdón, es que lo tenía en modo "ahorita no estés chingando"

I've spent many sleepless nights trying to work out why my sister's got two brothers but I've only got one.

It hurts me to say this...
.
.
.
.
.
But, I have a sore throat.

Went to a Blur concert...
couldn't see much.

“Poetry is the first and last of all knowledge – it is as immortal as the heart of man.”
~ William Wordsworth

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Big fingers!

Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you'll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.

I don't have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.

What does Trump's security tell him when he is attacked?
Donald, Duck.

The library book that was left outside overnight is now over dew.

You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.

I was delivering leaflets on flatulence awareness.
Unfortunately I let one rip.

It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.

Staying home is not so bad, but it's odd that one bag of coffee has 981 beans and the next 976.

While ferrying workers back and forth from our offshore oil rig, the helicopter I was on lost power and went down. Fortunately, it landed safely in a lake. Struggling to get out, one man tore off his seat belt, inflated his life vest and jerked open the exit door.
"Don't jump!" the pilot called out. "This thing is supposed to float!"
As the man leapt from the helicopter into the lake, he yelled back, "Yeah, and it's supposed to fly too!"

The kids had to recite a rhyme in class the following morning.
That morning Mary started:
Mary had a little hen
she kept it in a bucket
and every time she let it out
the rooster would chase it
"Mary! that doesn't rhyme!!" said the teacher
"It will when the rooster catches the bastard" said Little Johnny.

Робин Гуд впадал в ступор, встречая людей среднего достатка.

"Advice is like snow - the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind."
-Samuel Taylor Coleridge

I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn’t help me.

Just found out my wife has left me a stately home in her will.
I have no idea where Sod Hall is, I'm just off to Google it now!

'Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.'

— William Shakespeare

A friend of mine is a guitar player, but you have to leave the door open for him. He can never find the right key to come in.

I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"

“Don't threaten me with love, baby. Let's just go walking in the rain.”
Billie Holiday

Dear Stomach: You're bored, not hungry. Shut up.

After 5 years with the same chiropractor, I moved and had to change doctors. It was quite an adjustment.

To trick people into thinking I understand things at an art gallery I stand in front of every painting and silently count to twenty.

There's only two things I'm really terrible at..

Maths.

Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.

What do you call a cat with 8 legs?
An Octopuss.

therapist: you're going through a very turbulent time.
pilot: can somebody get this guy out of the cockpit.

My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, “Because I am feeling light headed.”

I'll go to the 4 corners of the earth to prove its round.

Сидит монах, молится: типа Господи - дай мне то, дай мне се, я постился, не грешил, праведный образ жизни вел...
Тут Бог из облака высовывается и говорит:
- Ага, не грешил, как же. А кто вчера послушницу трахал?!
Ну монах испугался, затараторил:
- Ой прости, Господи, грешного, Сатана попутал.
Бог поворачивается куда то в сторону, и спрашивает:
- Слышь, Люций - ты ему вчера говорил что нибудь?
Из-за облака голос:
- Нет. Я вообще впервые этого мудака вижу.
Бог достает блокнотик и говорит:
- Так и запишем: пиздел на Князя Тьмы...

What is a grudge?
Its where a Scotsman keeps his car.

I'd tell you a joke about oil but it's rather crude, and I know you all have a more refined sense of humor.

Все думают, что придёт время, а время только уходит.

Аннушка не смогла себе позволить по такой цене подсолнечное масло и ничего не разлила.

Сказочный дурак - единственный персонаж из сказок, встречающийся в реальной жизни.

Kinda feel bad for guitars.
They've been picked on all their lives.

What do you call a mushroom with a 12 inch willy?
A fungi to be with.

Why did the moon get kicked out of Walmart? It was mooning people!

POLITICS- the sound of many clocks in a room.

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin...

I walked past the YMCA yesterday, and there was a teenage boy sat outside stroking some feathers...

I said "Young man, there's no need to feel down...”

When Jesus was getting crucified, I wonder if he thought -

"I bet this will look fucking great on a necklace one day."

Why is Halloween a pedophiles favorite DAY?
Free delivery.

" Invisible things are the only realities."
~ Edgar Allan Poe

“Have you heard of Murphy’s law?”
"Yeah.”
“What is it?”
"If something can go wrong, it will.”
"Right, have you heard of Cole’s law?”
"No, what is it?”
"Thinly sliced cabbage!!”

I've got some great jokes about my kids being adopted.
But I can never find a good time to tell them.

Sometimes I STOP when it's not even Hammer time.

My father and I strongly believe the world would be better off without clichés.
Like father, like son.

People are like dogs: There's always someone who loves you for you and there's someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

What dinosaur lived in Canada?
'Toronto-saurus'

Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.

А человек может летать самостоятельно?
- Вверх нет...

If you think your job sucks, remember whenever a famous personality dies, someone at Wikipedia has to change all the verbs to past tense.

Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.

I could actually watch golf on TV if Land Mines were involved.

Me: What's wrong?
Wife: You're not supposed to say you have a favorite child.
Me: Everyone does secretly.
Wife: Well it should at least be one of ours.

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn...

Some folks play fetch with their cat!!
It's all fun and games for the dog, but I feel so bad for the kitty.

I asked my dog what's two minus two.
He said nothing.

“Now is no time to think of what you do not have.
Think of what you can do with that there is”
― Ernest Hemingway, The Old Man and the Sea

The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it.
Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.

What’s the difference between a foot and a camera?
The foot has five toes.
The camera has photos.

I started to study Scandinavian languages, but I never did Finnish.

“If a man can bridge the gap between life and death, if he can live on after he's dead, then maybe he was a great man.”

— James Dean

Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.

Wife: What are your plans for Easter?
Hubby: Same as Jesus...
Wife: What do you mean??
Hubby: I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday.
Wife: Thats awesome if you do that... I will be like Mary.
Hubby: What do you mean??
Wife: Show up pregnant without being touched by my hubby.
Hubby stayed home all Weekend.

My doctor really likes my choice of sensible footwear...
I overheard him telling his colleague that I had "Serious healthy shoes".

“The tongue is the only tool that gets sharper with use.”
• Washington Irving

When does a farmer dance? When the beet drops.

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman...

Why was the bald rabbit sad??

He lost his hare.

#csi
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken...

I know a joke about Easter, but it's wholly weak.

What do you do when your fruit spread goes flat?

You gotta pump up the jam.

– Ты кто?
– Пиздец.
– А почему такой полный?
– Не полный, а бодипозитивный.