Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley...

Новости генетики...
Израильские учёные доказали, что Колобок был мацой по матери.

To spell PANDA, you need just P AND A.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

I was named after my dad.
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.

"For this position, we need someone who is good with spreadsheets."
"Well sir, I Excel at spreadsheets."
"Did you just make a Microsoft office pun?"
"Word."

Доктор, а я после этого лечения ходить смогу?
Конечно, каждый день, прямо не вставая с постели.
И по большому и по маленькому

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies? I'm like that with Vodka!

Just my luck. A day after winning the Nigerian lottery someone's stolen my bank account!

My Ex-Girlfriend was a keen Cyclist.
I used to follow her everywhere in the Car.
In the end we broke up because I wasn't giving her enough space.

" When i had nothing to lose, I had everything. When I stopped being who I am, I found myself."
~ Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes.

- Не хочешь зайти на чай?
- Давай в другой раз.
- В другой раз чашка может быть небритая.

My boss just fired me for making too many jokes about Asian countries. I guess that's the end of my Korea.

How does an elephant get up a 30 foot oak tree?
He sits on an acorn and waits.

Cannibalism can both solve hunger and overpopulation.

Why is a group of Kangaroos called a mob and not a Gangaroos?

I wrote a book about basements.
It made the Best Cellars list.

Therapist: What brings you in today?
Me: I have a terrible fear of tsunamis.
Therapist: How bad is it?
Me: It comes in waves.

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Jonathan Winters.

“I don't feel particularly proud of myself. But when I walk alone in the woods or lie in the meadows, all is well.”

—Franz Kafka

My neighbor is a grave digger, and he really digs his job.

Why did the gardener plant light bulbs?
She wanted to grow a power plant.

"Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard are sweeter."
-- John Keats

Мудрость приходит вместе с желанием промолчать.

Un aplauso para mi almohada que vive tantos sueños, escucha mis pensamientos, seca mis lágrimas y soporta mis insomnios.

I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.

So Chauvinists do exist, I was driving in the pouring rain, and spotted a guy holding an umbrella over he's lady friend, while she was changing the tyre.

What do you get when you cross a preacher and a cow?
"Pastor"ized milk!

I had Victoria Sponge for lunch yesterday.
None of the other Spice Girls had anything in their lunch boxes worth stealing.

What do you call two lesbians in a cupboard?
A liquor cabinet.

A cowboy went into town on a Friday, stayed there 3 days and left on Friday. How’d he do it?
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His horse was named Friday!

Herb jokes are told from thyme to thyme.

Why do anti-ageing creams have a sell by date?

A cowboy was riding into a strange town when he saw a couple of Indians.
"Can you tell me where the nearest toilet is?" asked the cowboy.
"We just use that bush over there," answered one of the Indians.
The cowboy went behind the bush and had a piss, but when he came out all the Indians were laughing like Mad !!.
"What's so fucking funny?" he asked.
"That's the ladies," shouted the Indians.

The Secret Service scandal was discovered when a disagreement on how much a prostitute wanted for her services came to light.
She wanted $800.00.
The Secret Service Agent offered $30.00.
How ironic is it that the only person in Washington willing to cut spending gets fired?

A woman walks into a butcher shop and says, I want a Long Island Duck for a very special dish I’m making. The butcher,(looking puzzled)says, I’m not sure what a Long Island duck looks like, I’ll show you what I have. He then puts three ducks on the counter. The woman picks up the first one, sticks her finger in the ducks bottom, sniffs it and says, no, that’s a New England duck, picks up the second one, does the same thing and says, no, that’s a Rhode Island duck. She picks up the last duck, sticks her finger in, sniffs it an exclaims, now “that’s” a Long Island duck. Totally baffled, the butcher says, in all the years I’ve been a butcher I’ve never seen anyone do that. The woman asks, wher are you from? The butcher turns around, dropped his pants and says, you tell me.

In the Bible, Samson was a tough man but his father Samsonite was a real hard case...

"Saying nothing, sometimes says the most. "
- Emily Dickinson

I was going to post a joke about the Suez Canal, but that ship has sailed.

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts...

Why was Batman a terrible driver?
He was blind as a bat.

Не важно какого знака зодиака я,
главное чтоб ты была раком!

- My wife got mugged in Australia.....
- Perth?
- Yeth and her driving lithenth and thell phone.

"Having fake friends is like hugging cactus. The tighter you hug, the more pain you get."
— Riza Prasetyaningsih

I threw a boomerang a few years ago and have been living in constant fear ever since.

Do you know why cows stand so close together? So they can be herd.

How did the frog burn its tongue?

It ate a Firefly!

“Time takes it all, whether you want it to or not. Time bares it away, and in the end there is only darkness. ”
― Stephen King, The Green Mile

Two Rusian guys
moved to London where they made friends with a English guy named Paul.
They used to go all over London with him when suddenly one day ...
Paul disappeared.
The two went to the police and lodged a complaint.
The police asked them if they could give some vital clues about Paul that would help find him.
First Russian , "Paul was handsome and tall."
The police said, "Most English men are like that. Give us something specific."
2nd Russian, "Paul had blue eyes and was very fair."
The Police said, "C'mon guys, lots of English men are fair and have blue eyes, give us something specific."
Both Russian , "Oh yes ... now we remember ... Paul had two holes in his ass."
The policemen get really interested. They said, "Now that's something very specific, but tell us, how do you know this? Have you guys seen the two holes in his ass?"
Both said,
"No we haven’t actually seen the holes, but wherever we went out with Paul, everyone used to say ... ..."Here comes Paul with the two assholes!"

- Милый, привет! Я тебе сделала пельмени на ужин и чуть-чуть ударила машину...
- Что ты сделала?!
- Пельмени.

Лучший способ не обмануться в своем первом впечатлении - забыть о нем.

— Call Chuck Norris, bro.
— Колчак Норрис? Это кто вообще такой?

“Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love..”
- Mother Teresa -

" Fiction is the lie through which we tell the truth. "
• Albert Camus

The original creator of the phrase “common sense” surely didn’t know many people.

Apparently, I snore so loud it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.

I've never been any good at geography but at least i can name one city in France, which is Nice.

Испорченными душами занимаются либо священники, либо сантехники.

I'm fed up with food jokes.

You know when it’s hot outside when you go outside… and it’s hot.

It’s my favorite time of the day: How long can I stare directly at my monitor and do absolutely nothing o’clock.

He died doing what he loved: telling me I'm overreacting.

"I went to a karaoke bar in South East Asia once...”

“Singapore?”

“Yeah, they were all rubbish.”

A nurse walks into a toy shop and asks for a box of red crayons. The shop assistant says "Sorry, we don't sell boxes of crayons with just one colour in them, only assorted colours. Why would you want a box of just red crayons anyway?"
The nurse replies "Because some days I have to draw a lot of blood."

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I'm 73.

I saw a man wearing really short shorts, and thought that was rather ballsy of him.

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante...

What do you call a Princess who tells jokes?

RePUNzal

A duck's opinion of me is solely based on whether or not I have any bread.-Mitch Hedberg

Wife to husband: Do you think our kids are spoiled?

Husband: No, I think all kids smell like that...

Daddy, should French fries be eaten with the fingers?
No dear, the fingers should be eaten separately.

My wife went into a clothes shop and asks the shop assistant if she can try the dress on in the window? The shop assistant replies " No madam you must use the changing room".

Sign outside a Scottish cinema,
Free admission for old age pensioners,
If accompanied by both parents.

To help her husband lose weight she stopped him eating between meals ,
She hid his false teeth.

Cannibals wont let their kids leave the table until everyone's eaten.

A wealthy Azerbaijani father writes to his son studying in Moscow:

"Son! I've saved some money and bought you a car so that you can drive to the university."

A reply comes:

"Dad, I don't want to stand out. All the other students here just use a trolleybus."

A few months later, the father writes again:

"You were right son, it is bad to stand out. I've saved more money and bought you a trolleybus. Be like everyone!"

Why do you need an appointment to see a psychic?

I got kicked out of my morning commute gang for turning off the fan because I was feeling cold in the helicopter.

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

A can't opener.

Did you hear about the lion that ate his friends? - He had to swallow his pride.