Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

"Memory foam pillow fights".

That's one fight you'll never forget.

The only difference between surfing and snowboarding... Is the temperature of the water.

Who mails mail to the mail man?

What can run but can’t walk? A drop of water.

Son, where are the Himalayas Dad ?
Father, if you put things away,
You'd know where to find them.

If you're not part of the solution...
You're a solid or a gas.

Watched a documentary about door handles. It was gripping.

Who is the most helpful sibling?
A sister.

Только начнёшь на круиз откладывать, то туалетная бумага закончится, то лампочка перегорит.

What do you get when you cross FedEx and UPS?
You get FED UP.

Q- What do they call 'Thai-Spa' in Thailand?
A- Spa.

My friend told me that she wanted to marry a witch doctor.
I asked her, “Why? What’s the appeal?”
She replied, “Pwobabwy the financial secuwity.”

How do Brazilians get ready for bed?
They put their paj-amazon!

An Englishman,an Irishman,a Scotsman and a doctor went into a pub.
The doctor said, ‘I’m awfully sorry, but I seem to be in the wrong joke.’

I try to live by 2 rules:
1. Don’t make fun of stupid people (they cant help it)
2. Don’t be stupid (people will make fun of you)

We have a guy in the office who we call "007".
0 work, 0 initiative, 7 bathroom breaks.

How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket.

Yesterday, I was trying to draw a cube, but I had a mental block.

We have been married a long time, but we don’t complete each other’s sentences. If she does a murder, she’s doing the whole stretch.

Instructor: "You've really gone above and beyond this time."
Student: "Thank you!"
Instructor: "This is archery class...so..."

What were the 2 Kebabs doing at the blood bank ?
They were Donor Kebabs.

You cannot save people
you can only love them.
—Anais Nin

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire, I'm a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes...

- Доченька, что тебе привезти из Германии?
- Привези мне, папинька, сантехника немецкого...

My son just asked me: what do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Pregnant!

'Eleven plus two' is an anagram of 'twelve plus one'.

Some stories are written with pen.
Some stories are written with pain.

I have been teaching my dog to fetch tools from my workshop...
He’s not perfect.
But he knows the drill now.

My girlfriend just asked me,When we go to Egypt, Can we go on a camel !
I said, No, It would take ages to get there on a camel.

Teacher,
You missed school yesterday, didn't you?
Little Johnny,
Yes, but not very much.

God is talking to Adam and Eve one day during the Creation. "Well, you two, I only have a couple more goodies left to hand out before my job is done. Which one of you wants to be able to pee standing up?"
Adam raises his hand and yells, "Me, me, pick me!" So God obliges .
God looks at Eve and says : "Well sorry Eve . . . but it looks like you're stuck with the multiple orgasms."

My wife whispered in my ear today that she wasn't wearing any undies. Oh boy, now she's already growing forgetful.

Son:Dad will you do my maths homework for me tonight?
Dad: No,son,it wouldn’t be right.
Son:Well,just do your best.

All I'm saying is if I'm not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.

Why did the oven go back to University? To get another degree.

I bought a 12 year old whisky today.
His parents weren’t very happy!

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley...

Новости генетики...
Израильские учёные доказали, что Колобок был мацой по матери.

To spell PANDA, you need just P AND A.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

I was named after my dad.
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.

"For this position, we need someone who is good with spreadsheets."
"Well sir, I Excel at spreadsheets."
"Did you just make a Microsoft office pun?"
"Word."

Доктор, а я после этого лечения ходить смогу?
Конечно, каждый день, прямо не вставая с постели.
И по большому и по маленькому

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies? I'm like that with Vodka!

Just my luck. A day after winning the Nigerian lottery someone's stolen my bank account!

My Ex-Girlfriend was a keen Cyclist.
I used to follow her everywhere in the Car.
In the end we broke up because I wasn't giving her enough space.

" When i had nothing to lose, I had everything. When I stopped being who I am, I found myself."
~ Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes.

- Не хочешь зайти на чай?
- Давай в другой раз.
- В другой раз чашка может быть небритая.

My boss just fired me for making too many jokes about Asian countries. I guess that's the end of my Korea.

How does an elephant get up a 30 foot oak tree?
He sits on an acorn and waits.

Cannibalism can both solve hunger and overpopulation.

Why is a group of Kangaroos called a mob and not a Gangaroos?

I wrote a book about basements.
It made the Best Cellars list.

Therapist: What brings you in today?
Me: I have a terrible fear of tsunamis.
Therapist: How bad is it?
Me: It comes in waves.

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Jonathan Winters.

“I don't feel particularly proud of myself. But when I walk alone in the woods or lie in the meadows, all is well.”

—Franz Kafka

My neighbor is a grave digger, and he really digs his job.

Why did the gardener plant light bulbs?
She wanted to grow a power plant.

"Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard are sweeter."
-- John Keats

Мудрость приходит вместе с желанием промолчать.

Un aplauso para mi almohada que vive tantos sueños, escucha mis pensamientos, seca mis lágrimas y soporta mis insomnios.

I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.

So Chauvinists do exist, I was driving in the pouring rain, and spotted a guy holding an umbrella over he's lady friend, while she was changing the tyre.

What do you get when you cross a preacher and a cow?
"Pastor"ized milk!

I had Victoria Sponge for lunch yesterday.
None of the other Spice Girls had anything in their lunch boxes worth stealing.

What do you call two lesbians in a cupboard?
A liquor cabinet.

A cowboy went into town on a Friday, stayed there 3 days and left on Friday. How’d he do it?
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His horse was named Friday!

Herb jokes are told from thyme to thyme.

Why do anti-ageing creams have a sell by date?

A cowboy was riding into a strange town when he saw a couple of Indians.
"Can you tell me where the nearest toilet is?" asked the cowboy.
"We just use that bush over there," answered one of the Indians.
The cowboy went behind the bush and had a piss, but when he came out all the Indians were laughing like Mad !!.
"What's so fucking funny?" he asked.
"That's the ladies," shouted the Indians.

The Secret Service scandal was discovered when a disagreement on how much a prostitute wanted for her services came to light.
She wanted $800.00.
The Secret Service Agent offered $30.00.
How ironic is it that the only person in Washington willing to cut spending gets fired?

A woman walks into a butcher shop and says, I want a Long Island Duck for a very special dish I’m making. The butcher,(looking puzzled)says, I’m not sure what a Long Island duck looks like, I’ll show you what I have. He then puts three ducks on the counter. The woman picks up the first one, sticks her finger in the ducks bottom, sniffs it and says, no, that’s a New England duck, picks up the second one, does the same thing and says, no, that’s a Rhode Island duck. She picks up the last duck, sticks her finger in, sniffs it an exclaims, now “that’s” a Long Island duck. Totally baffled, the butcher says, in all the years I’ve been a butcher I’ve never seen anyone do that. The woman asks, wher are you from? The butcher turns around, dropped his pants and says, you tell me.

In the Bible, Samson was a tough man but his father Samsonite was a real hard case...

"Saying nothing, sometimes says the most. "
- Emily Dickinson

I was going to post a joke about the Suez Canal, but that ship has sailed.

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts...

Why was Batman a terrible driver?
He was blind as a bat.

Не важно какого знака зодиака я,
главное чтоб ты была раком!

- My wife got mugged in Australia.....
- Perth?
- Yeth and her driving lithenth and thell phone.

"Having fake friends is like hugging cactus. The tighter you hug, the more pain you get."
— Riza Prasetyaningsih