Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

How to make Easter easier - replace the t with an i.

I'm having one of those days where my middle finger is answering every question.

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.

Eyelashes are meant to keep things out of our eyes. But whenever I get something out of my eye it’s an eyelash...eyeronic.

I once lived in a house with four foot high ceilings. I couldn’t stand living there.

"By believing passionately in something that still does not exist, we create it. The nonexistent is whatever we have not sufficiently desired.” Franz Kafka

The guy who founded IKEA has just been elected PM of Sweden. He’s still assembling his cabinet.

I was in Oxford Street, London the other day when a tourist stopped me and asked the best way to Selfridges?
I told him to put them on eBay!

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
~ Warren Tantum...

Is it bad that everytime my daughter asks me if I have $.50, I have to fight off the urge to say "No, but you can find him in the club."?

During labour a nurse said to a woman. 'How about Epidural Anesthesia?'
She said, 'thanks, but I already picked a name.'

Do you know why Waldo went to therapy?
He had to find himself.

My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized.

I hate getting my picture taken.

Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.

People say I look better without glasses but I just can’t see it.

It makes me very uncomfortable that the word "Australia" contains three A's and all of them are pronounced differently.

Why did Van Gogh become a painter?

Because he didn’t have an ear for music.. ☺️

If you ever think English is not a strange language just remember that read and lead rhyme and read and lead rhyme, but read and lead don't rhyme. and neither do read and lead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Недавно учёные скрестили акулу и золотую рыбку. Она исполняет три последних желания.

Чтобы не наступать на одни и те же грабли, пронумеруйте их!

Did you hear about the vampire that caught a cold?

He just couldn't stop coffin!

I've started a band and called it Books so no one can judge us by our covers.

I have a dog called Minton who has a naughty habit of eating shuttlecocks.

Bad Minton!

Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson...

Spongebob may be the title character of the show.
But Patrick is the star.

What kind of bike does a Snowman ride ?

An, Ice-cycle.

Have seen a lot of buses going to Not in Service.
Any one know were it is?

"Meaningful silence is better
than meaningless words."

~ Pythagoras

Writing a song for Bon Jovi at the moment. I'm half way there.

Why is honey good for you? - It's full of Bee vitamins.

I’m looking for qualified trainers to teach at my new Kama Sutra school.
There are many positions available...

Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?

Ничто так не отпугивает покупателей как желание продавцов чем-нибудь помочь.

Customer: "Are these carrots genetically modified?"
Shop assistant: "No, why do you ask?"
Carrot: "Yeah, why do you ask?"

— А теперь сколько пальцев?
— Доктор, а это точно метод обследования предстательной железы?!

When you're a child, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You've gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" ....
As an adult, not so much.

Лучше быть обведенным вокруг пальца, чем мелом.

Somebody told me I need adult supervision.
I was like "I Know!"
It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.

“I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.”
― Pablo Neruda

Овсянка заряжает энергией и высокомерием на весь день.

What happens at an Ikea summit conference? Their employees assemble together.

Tried an anti-aging cream. Works better than expected.

Haven’t had acne like this since I was 15.

"Нужно бояться не ведьм, а тех кто сжигал их заживо!"

You know what I hate?

People who answer their own questions.

My daughter wants to marry our mailman but my wife wont letter.

Quite honestly, Officer, I wouldn't have even pulled over had I known all you were going to do was criticize my driving.

In hotel rooms, I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz...

People who don't eat gluten are really going against the grain.

My wife is on a tropical food diet, and there is no other food in the house.
It's enough to make
a mango crazy.

What do you call an eight foot tall man whose armed with a shotgun?
Sir.

- Ну и темень, хоть бы лампочку в проходе вкрутили!
- Простите, вы точно проктолог?

I didn't want to volunteer to work in the rodeo, but I got roped into it.

- Mama, mama mi papa es mago
- No hijito es electricista
- Mama, mama mi papá es mago
- Esta bien hijo ¿por que lo dice?
- Porque junto dos cables, ¡hecho chispitas y desapareció...

- Я решила намекнуть ему, что не хочу отношений и что все заходит слишком далеко, но он, кажется не понимает меня...
- И каким же образом ты намекаешь?
- Издалека!
- Это как?!
- Я рассказываю ему про принцип последовательности в психологии влияния...

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I'm reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.

Opening a new shadow puppet theatre.
Business plan says we’ll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.

Полезен грудной сбор : жена, любовница...

What noise annoys an oyster?
Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster most.

Just saw three police cars going down my street in reverse. Someone must have called for backup.

Культурный человек может отличить Гегеля от Бебеля, Бебеля от Бабеля, Бабеля от кабеля, кабеля от кобеля, а кобеля от сучки, а некультурный только последние два.

My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

“The supreme happiness of life consists in the conviction that one is loved.”
– Victor Hugo

Что дозволено в Питере, не дозволено в Баку.

“From My Rotting Body, Flowers Shall Grow, and I Am in Them, and That Is Eternity.”
~Edvard Munch

Всё что вас не убивает попытается ещё раз.

If I had to rate this solar system, I'd give it one star.

I wanted to buy my friend a meaningful birthday gift, so I bought her a dictionary.

Try this... When leaving a fancy restaurant tell the people coming in "I recommend you try the donkey, snail or the squirrel".

Why are Helium, Curium, and Barium the medical elements? Because if you can’t heal-ium or cure-ium, you bari-um.

Just had a police officer at my door saying he was looking for a man with one eye...
I told him if he used both eyes he’d probably find him a lot quicker.

My wife said,"tell me you love me."
I said,"Give me a fucking chance,I'm only on my 8th can."

"In the end you'll understand that bad experiences are also needed.
The ones you remember will make you strong, The ones you forget will make you happy."
~Anthony Cornetta

If Mediums can communicate with the dead, imagine what a Large can do...

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ WH Auden...

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Finding half a worm.

You know why you never have to buy a woman a watch?
Cause there is a clock on the stove!

I bought a new vacuum cleaner the other day and it sucks more than the older one.