Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I threw a boomerang a few years ago and have been living in constant fear ever since.

Do you know why cows stand so close together? So they can be herd.

How did the frog burn its tongue?

It ate a Firefly!

“Time takes it all, whether you want it to or not. Time bares it away, and in the end there is only darkness. ”
― Stephen King, The Green Mile

Two Rusian guys
moved to London where they made friends with a English guy named Paul.
They used to go all over London with him when suddenly one day ...
Paul disappeared.
The two went to the police and lodged a complaint.
The police asked them if they could give some vital clues about Paul that would help find him.
First Russian , "Paul was handsome and tall."
The police said, "Most English men are like that. Give us something specific."
2nd Russian, "Paul had blue eyes and was very fair."
The Police said, "C'mon guys, lots of English men are fair and have blue eyes, give us something specific."
Both Russian , "Oh yes ... now we remember ... Paul had two holes in his ass."
The policemen get really interested. They said, "Now that's something very specific, but tell us, how do you know this? Have you guys seen the two holes in his ass?"
Both said,
"No we haven’t actually seen the holes, but wherever we went out with Paul, everyone used to say ... ..."Here comes Paul with the two assholes!"

- Милый, привет! Я тебе сделала пельмени на ужин и чуть-чуть ударила машину...
- Что ты сделала?!
- Пельмени.

Лучший способ не обмануться в своем первом впечатлении - забыть о нем.

— Call Chuck Norris, bro.
— Колчак Норрис? Это кто вообще такой?

“Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love..”
- Mother Teresa -

" Fiction is the lie through which we tell the truth. "
• Albert Camus

The original creator of the phrase “common sense” surely didn’t know many people.

Apparently, I snore so loud it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.

I've never been any good at geography but at least i can name one city in France, which is Nice.

Испорченными душами занимаются либо священники, либо сантехники.

I'm fed up with food jokes.

You know when it’s hot outside when you go outside… and it’s hot.

It’s my favorite time of the day: How long can I stare directly at my monitor and do absolutely nothing o’clock.

He died doing what he loved: telling me I'm overreacting.

"I went to a karaoke bar in South East Asia once...”

“Singapore?”

“Yeah, they were all rubbish.”

A nurse walks into a toy shop and asks for a box of red crayons. The shop assistant says "Sorry, we don't sell boxes of crayons with just one colour in them, only assorted colours. Why would you want a box of just red crayons anyway?"
The nurse replies "Because some days I have to draw a lot of blood."

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I'm 73.

I saw a man wearing really short shorts, and thought that was rather ballsy of him.

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante...

What do you call a Princess who tells jokes?

RePUNzal

A duck's opinion of me is solely based on whether or not I have any bread.-Mitch Hedberg

Wife to husband: Do you think our kids are spoiled?

Husband: No, I think all kids smell like that...

Daddy, should French fries be eaten with the fingers?
No dear, the fingers should be eaten separately.

My wife went into a clothes shop and asks the shop assistant if she can try the dress on in the window? The shop assistant replies " No madam you must use the changing room".

Sign outside a Scottish cinema,
Free admission for old age pensioners,
If accompanied by both parents.

To help her husband lose weight she stopped him eating between meals ,
She hid his false teeth.

Cannibals wont let their kids leave the table until everyone's eaten.

A wealthy Azerbaijani father writes to his son studying in Moscow:

"Son! I've saved some money and bought you a car so that you can drive to the university."

A reply comes:

"Dad, I don't want to stand out. All the other students here just use a trolleybus."

A few months later, the father writes again:

"You were right son, it is bad to stand out. I've saved more money and bought you a trolleybus. Be like everyone!"

Why do you need an appointment to see a psychic?

I got kicked out of my morning commute gang for turning off the fan because I was feeling cold in the helicopter.

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

A can't opener.

Did you hear about the lion that ate his friends? - He had to swallow his pride.

Why shouldn’t you mock a short person who’s not very bright?
Because it’s not big and it’s not clever.

How to make Easter easier - replace the t with an i.

I'm having one of those days where my middle finger is answering every question.

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.

Eyelashes are meant to keep things out of our eyes. But whenever I get something out of my eye it’s an eyelash...eyeronic.

I once lived in a house with four foot high ceilings. I couldn’t stand living there.

"By believing passionately in something that still does not exist, we create it. The nonexistent is whatever we have not sufficiently desired.” Franz Kafka

The guy who founded IKEA has just been elected PM of Sweden. He’s still assembling his cabinet.

I was in Oxford Street, London the other day when a tourist stopped me and asked the best way to Selfridges?
I told him to put them on eBay!

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
~ Warren Tantum...

Is it bad that everytime my daughter asks me if I have $.50, I have to fight off the urge to say "No, but you can find him in the club."?

During labour a nurse said to a woman. 'How about Epidural Anesthesia?'
She said, 'thanks, but I already picked a name.'

Do you know why Waldo went to therapy?
He had to find himself.

My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized.

I hate getting my picture taken.

Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.

People say I look better without glasses but I just can’t see it.

It makes me very uncomfortable that the word "Australia" contains three A's and all of them are pronounced differently.

Why did Van Gogh become a painter?

Because he didn’t have an ear for music.. ☺️

If you ever think English is not a strange language just remember that read and lead rhyme and read and lead rhyme, but read and lead don't rhyme. and neither do read and lead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Недавно учёные скрестили акулу и золотую рыбку. Она исполняет три последних желания.

Чтобы не наступать на одни и те же грабли, пронумеруйте их!

Did you hear about the vampire that caught a cold?

He just couldn't stop coffin!

I've started a band and called it Books so no one can judge us by our covers.

I have a dog called Minton who has a naughty habit of eating shuttlecocks.

Bad Minton!

Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson...

Spongebob may be the title character of the show.
But Patrick is the star.

What kind of bike does a Snowman ride ?

An, Ice-cycle.

Have seen a lot of buses going to Not in Service.
Any one know were it is?

"Meaningful silence is better
than meaningless words."

~ Pythagoras

Writing a song for Bon Jovi at the moment. I'm half way there.

Why is honey good for you? - It's full of Bee vitamins.

I’m looking for qualified trainers to teach at my new Kama Sutra school.
There are many positions available...

Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?

Ничто так не отпугивает покупателей как желание продавцов чем-нибудь помочь.

Customer: "Are these carrots genetically modified?"
Shop assistant: "No, why do you ask?"
Carrot: "Yeah, why do you ask?"

— А теперь сколько пальцев?
— Доктор, а это точно метод обследования предстательной железы?!

When you're a child, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You've gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" ....
As an adult, not so much.

Лучше быть обведенным вокруг пальца, чем мелом.

Somebody told me I need adult supervision.
I was like "I Know!"
It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.

“I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.”
― Pablo Neruda

Овсянка заряжает энергией и высокомерием на весь день.

What happens at an Ikea summit conference? Their employees assemble together.