Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

С женского форума:- До свадьбы не зажило, что делать?!

Почему на российских рублях не рисуют портреты президентов?
Не хватает президентов на все купюры.

- How do you greet bees?
- Hive five!

I took my car back to the dealer yesterday!
I said “it won’t go past 60 up our hill”
He said “why do you need it to go past 60?”
I said “I live at number 73”

My superpower is pretending to listen to whatever you're saying while secretly thinking about what I'm going to eat next.

I went to court today, The judge asked,
"Have you ever been up before me?"
I said "Not sure, what time do you get up?"

Я никому не даю советов. И тебе не советую.

I think my house is lying to me. I got 2 different stories.

Do Italians walk?
Or they just Rome?

A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes.

—Ludwig Wittgenstein

Let’s eat kids.
Let’s eat, kids.
Use a comma, save lives.

Ironía es dibujar un árbol en una hoja de papel.

I want to learn how to be a tightrope walker, but I can't find a local instructor. Looks like I'll have to take a class... on line.

I’m not a hugger, and I’m having a hard time embracing that.

А знаете, зачем в метро внизу эскалатора бабулька в будке? Она там педали крутит.

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger...

“If I had a flower for every time I thought of you...I could walk through my garden forever.”

― Alfred Tennyson

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

One, two, a one two three four.

I told my wife "You need to do more housework!"
She replied "Please change the subject?"
I said "More housework needs to be done by you."

What did they yell at Edgar Allen Poe as he was walking into a tree?

Poe a tree.

What do you call a witch that lives on the beach?
A sandwich.

Q: What do you call a shoe that's made out of a banana?
A: A slipper.

Можете считать меня старомодным, но я люблю женщин без пениса.

My grandfather would talk to ghosts who’d tell him what size clothes to wear, he was a medium.

Saw my neighbor fill his canoe with vanilla ice cream and root beer.
Kinda strange but hey, whatever floats his boat.

Most married couples would rather eat a good meal at a restaurant than have sex.
Because it might disturb the people at the other tables.

A fat man goes into a fast food restaurant and orders his food. The cashier says that it will be a minute or two for his food. Finally his food is ready. The cashier hands the food to the fat guy and tells him,
"Sorry about your weight."

What’s the difference between a restaurant and a glory hole?
With glory holes you don’t always have to give the tip.

A vegan enters a restaurant and asks the waiter for advice what to order.
"A taxi."

My local Japanese restaurant is keeping up on the trends.
They now serve rawomen.

A duck, a skunk & a deer went out to dinner at a restaurant one night.
When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck, so they put the meal on the duck's bill.

A bird walks into a restaurant, order and gets a bowl of soup.
After a minute, the bird angrily calls the waiter :

- Waiter! There is no fly in my soup!

A man walks into an elegant restaurant and sits down.
As he bends down to get his wallet he farts loudly with the waitress right behind her. He sits up shamefully and looks for a way to escape the total embarrassment. So he looks at the waitress and shouts, 'Stop that!'. The waitress replies calmly, 'Sure Mister, which way did it go?'

A Russian, a Texan, and a New Yorker walk into a restaurant in France
The hostess says “excuse me, due to a Mad Cow Disease there is a shortage of steak so we currently don’t have any.”

The Texan says “What’s a shortage?”

The Russian says “What’s a steak

The New Yorker says “What’s excuse me?”

I want to open a restaurant that fuses Chinese and Middle Eastern cuisine
I call it "Wok like an Egyptian".

How is a chess player like an Australian who's about to leave a restaurant?
They're both looking for a checkmate.

I visited a cannibal restaurant during my time in the South Pacific.
On the menu I saw there was missionary soup for $5. Below it was politician soup for $1000.

So I asked the waiter, "why's the politician soup so expensive?"

And he said to me "you ever tried to clean one of the bastards?"

Going to a restaurant to eat salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order Chicken Surprise
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ahh so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."

What do vegans get at a barbecue restaurant?
Kicked out.

A very well dressed (tailored suit, silk tie, bespoke shoes etc) elegant older customer ordered the very best on the menu resulting in a very large tab.
At the end of the meal he was presented with the bill.
He said to the server, “I don’t know if you remember, but many years ago I was a bit down on my luck, but I had a meal here and when it came to pay, I couldn’t, and you publicly humiliated me by getting security to march me through the restaurant and throw me out on the street.”
The server blushed and apologised most profusely.
The customer replied, “Don’t worry old man. I’m just so sorry I’m going to have to ask you to do it again…”

I just went to a restaurant and all of my food was still fucking frozen solid. I asked the owner and he said that’s just how the product comes in.
10/10 ice cream shop would recommend again.

Two lawyers walk into a restaurant.
They put their briefcases on the floor and order two coffees. They get their coffee and pull out lunches from their briefcases.

"Sorry," the waitress says, "You can`t eat your own food here."

The lawyers look at one another, shrug their shoulders and swap sandwiches.

A teddy bear sits down at a restaurant
The waiter asks, “Would you like anything?” The bear responds, “No, I’m stuffed.”

Went to dinner last night at a restaurant, and there was a fly in my soup.
I wouldn't have normally minded, but the zipper broke my tooth.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time"
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

A restaurant has a challenge: "We will give $500 to any customer whose order we can not fill"
One day, a man sees this sign and decides to take them up on it. So when gets seated, he tells the waitress that he wants an elephant testicle on rye bread.

She dutifully takes his order back to the kitchen. A few seconds later he could hear all hell breaking loose in the kitchen: there's people shouting, swearing, pots and pans banging. A few minutes later, the manager comes out with $500 in hand.

"You really got us," he says, "this is the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread."

I used to visit a casino, until I found out their top floor restaurant served beef.
That meant the steaks were just too high for me.

Did you hear about the new Italian restaurant that just opened in the afterlife?
It's called Pasta Way.

I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no.
Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating…
She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"
One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry."
The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"
One of the other businessmen replies, "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

Можно ли назвать себя веселым человеком, если шутишь много, но про смерть ?

The best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan...

My son Video called me today.
He said "Dad why did you name me Video"?

I always take my problems to Tommy...
Hilfiger it out...

Wife: “Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?”

Me: “That’s a novel idea.”

- Когда я закончу институт, я выйду замуж.
- За меня?
- Нет. Удачно.

I called the co-dependent hotline, they asked me to have someone press 2.

I'm at my neighbor's house having the most delicious dinner.

Hope I finish before they get home!

Как понять, что девушка любит золотой дождь..?
У неё на лице написано...

Меня реально бесят каламбуры, связанные со швеями. Я пришью их автора.

- Вы имеете личного водителя?
- Нет, он только водит машину!

My teacher asked me to make up a sentence using the words defence, defeat and detail.

When a horse jumps over defence defeat go first then detail.

I once went out with my girlfriend to a fancy restaurant and she insisted on paying for the meal.
I said, "Don't be stupid, we're half way down the road now. Just keep running".

A ballet dancer friend of mine recently had twins. He's now a pas de deux.

This bloke went to his dentist and said, 'Wheres my normal dentist?"
He said, "He's on holiday, i'm just filling in!"

¿Sabes qué es bonito? Triunfar después de que nadie creyó en ti..

Am i old ? Well , i can remember when the Dead Sea was just a bit poorly .

Does every sentence need to include a vegetable?
Not necescelery!

Life is like chess.
You can never find a mate.

Just made a bet with my friend about who would get married first.
He said “may the best man win.”
I said “I’m not sure that’s how this works mate.”

My friend said: “Wow, your car looks awesome since you had it lowered!"
“I haven't had it lowered, you cheeky twat!" I replied. "I've just picked my wife up from McDonald's."

How do you make new mates?
*Asking for a friend.*

I told my friend that I had finally retired my aging car. He asked if I'd sold it or scrapped it..
I said nothing that drastic, I just put a new set of Michelins on it.

Once, my mate Dave got kicked out of a hospital. When I asked why, he said
Apparently "Stroke Patients Here" meant something else.

Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends ?
Because he's married.

Bro, I got good news and bad news.
Just gimme the good news bro.
The air bags in your car worked perfectly.

Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.

Вчера во время секса жена так кричала, что в конце концов пришлось пустить ее в квартиру.

A couple is walking in St.Petersburg on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.
“I think it’s raining,” says the man.
“No, it’s snowing,” says the woman.
“How about we ask this communist officer? He is always right. Is it raining or snowing, Officer Rudolph?”
“Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph says before walking off.
The man turns to his wife,
“See, Rudolph the red knows rain, dear.”