Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Tried an anti-aging cream. Works better than expected.

Haven’t had acne like this since I was 15.

"Нужно бояться не ведьм, а тех кто сжигал их заживо!"

You know what I hate?

People who answer their own questions.

My daughter wants to marry our mailman but my wife wont letter.

Quite honestly, Officer, I wouldn't have even pulled over had I known all you were going to do was criticize my driving.

In hotel rooms, I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz...

People who don't eat gluten are really going against the grain.

My wife is on a tropical food diet, and there is no other food in the house.
It's enough to make
a mango crazy.

What do you call an eight foot tall man whose armed with a shotgun?
Sir.

- Ну и темень, хоть бы лампочку в проходе вкрутили!
- Простите, вы точно проктолог?

I didn't want to volunteer to work in the rodeo, but I got roped into it.

- Mama, mama mi papa es mago
- No hijito es electricista
- Mama, mama mi papá es mago
- Esta bien hijo ¿por que lo dice?
- Porque junto dos cables, ¡hecho chispitas y desapareció...

- Я решила намекнуть ему, что не хочу отношений и что все заходит слишком далеко, но он, кажется не понимает меня...
- И каким же образом ты намекаешь?
- Издалека!
- Это как?!
- Я рассказываю ему про принцип последовательности в психологии влияния...

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I'm reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.

Opening a new shadow puppet theatre.
Business plan says we’ll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.

Полезен грудной сбор : жена, любовница...

What noise annoys an oyster?
Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster most.

Just saw three police cars going down my street in reverse. Someone must have called for backup.

Культурный человек может отличить Гегеля от Бебеля, Бебеля от Бабеля, Бабеля от кабеля, кабеля от кобеля, а кобеля от сучки, а некультурный только последние два.

My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

“The supreme happiness of life consists in the conviction that one is loved.”
– Victor Hugo

Что дозволено в Питере, не дозволено в Баку.

“From My Rotting Body, Flowers Shall Grow, and I Am in Them, and That Is Eternity.”
~Edvard Munch

Всё что вас не убивает попытается ещё раз.

If I had to rate this solar system, I'd give it one star.

I wanted to buy my friend a meaningful birthday gift, so I bought her a dictionary.

Try this... When leaving a fancy restaurant tell the people coming in "I recommend you try the donkey, snail or the squirrel".

Why are Helium, Curium, and Barium the medical elements? Because if you can’t heal-ium or cure-ium, you bari-um.

Just had a police officer at my door saying he was looking for a man with one eye...
I told him if he used both eyes he’d probably find him a lot quicker.

My wife said,"tell me you love me."
I said,"Give me a fucking chance,I'm only on my 8th can."

"In the end you'll understand that bad experiences are also needed.
The ones you remember will make you strong, The ones you forget will make you happy."
~Anthony Cornetta

If Mediums can communicate with the dead, imagine what a Large can do...

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ WH Auden...

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Finding half a worm.

You know why you never have to buy a woman a watch?
Cause there is a clock on the stove!

I bought a new vacuum cleaner the other day and it sucks more than the older one.

In marriage and in yoga, downwind is the worst position to be.

What do you do if you see a space man? Park in it man!!

С женского форума:- До свадьбы не зажило, что делать?!

Почему на российских рублях не рисуют портреты президентов?
Не хватает президентов на все купюры.

- How do you greet bees?
- Hive five!

I took my car back to the dealer yesterday!
I said “it won’t go past 60 up our hill”
He said “why do you need it to go past 60?”
I said “I live at number 73”

My superpower is pretending to listen to whatever you're saying while secretly thinking about what I'm going to eat next.

I went to court today, The judge asked,
"Have you ever been up before me?"
I said "Not sure, what time do you get up?"

Я никому не даю советов. И тебе не советую.

I think my house is lying to me. I got 2 different stories.

Do Italians walk?
Or they just Rome?

A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes.

—Ludwig Wittgenstein

Let’s eat kids.
Let’s eat, kids.
Use a comma, save lives.

Ironía es dibujar un árbol en una hoja de papel.

I want to learn how to be a tightrope walker, but I can't find a local instructor. Looks like I'll have to take a class... on line.

I’m not a hugger, and I’m having a hard time embracing that.

А знаете, зачем в метро внизу эскалатора бабулька в будке? Она там педали крутит.

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger...

“If I had a flower for every time I thought of you...I could walk through my garden forever.”

― Alfred Tennyson

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

One, two, a one two three four.

I told my wife "You need to do more housework!"
She replied "Please change the subject?"
I said "More housework needs to be done by you."

What did they yell at Edgar Allen Poe as he was walking into a tree?

Poe a tree.

What do you call a witch that lives on the beach?
A sandwich.

Q: What do you call a shoe that's made out of a banana?
A: A slipper.

Можете считать меня старомодным, но я люблю женщин без пениса.

My grandfather would talk to ghosts who’d tell him what size clothes to wear, he was a medium.

Saw my neighbor fill his canoe with vanilla ice cream and root beer.
Kinda strange but hey, whatever floats his boat.

Most married couples would rather eat a good meal at a restaurant than have sex.
Because it might disturb the people at the other tables.

A fat man goes into a fast food restaurant and orders his food. The cashier says that it will be a minute or two for his food. Finally his food is ready. The cashier hands the food to the fat guy and tells him,
"Sorry about your weight."

What’s the difference between a restaurant and a glory hole?
With glory holes you don’t always have to give the tip.

A vegan enters a restaurant and asks the waiter for advice what to order.
"A taxi."

My local Japanese restaurant is keeping up on the trends.
They now serve rawomen.

A duck, a skunk & a deer went out to dinner at a restaurant one night.
When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck, so they put the meal on the duck's bill.

A bird walks into a restaurant, order and gets a bowl of soup.
After a minute, the bird angrily calls the waiter :

- Waiter! There is no fly in my soup!

A man walks into an elegant restaurant and sits down.
As he bends down to get his wallet he farts loudly with the waitress right behind her. He sits up shamefully and looks for a way to escape the total embarrassment. So he looks at the waitress and shouts, 'Stop that!'. The waitress replies calmly, 'Sure Mister, which way did it go?'

A Russian, a Texan, and a New Yorker walk into a restaurant in France
The hostess says “excuse me, due to a Mad Cow Disease there is a shortage of steak so we currently don’t have any.”

The Texan says “What’s a shortage?”

The Russian says “What’s a steak

The New Yorker says “What’s excuse me?”

I want to open a restaurant that fuses Chinese and Middle Eastern cuisine
I call it "Wok like an Egyptian".

How is a chess player like an Australian who's about to leave a restaurant?
They're both looking for a checkmate.

I visited a cannibal restaurant during my time in the South Pacific.
On the menu I saw there was missionary soup for $5. Below it was politician soup for $1000.

So I asked the waiter, "why's the politician soup so expensive?"

And he said to me "you ever tried to clean one of the bastards?"

Going to a restaurant to eat salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order Chicken Surprise
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ahh so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."

What do vegans get at a barbecue restaurant?
Kicked out.

A very well dressed (tailored suit, silk tie, bespoke shoes etc) elegant older customer ordered the very best on the menu resulting in a very large tab.
At the end of the meal he was presented with the bill.
He said to the server, “I don’t know if you remember, but many years ago I was a bit down on my luck, but I had a meal here and when it came to pay, I couldn’t, and you publicly humiliated me by getting security to march me through the restaurant and throw me out on the street.”
The server blushed and apologised most profusely.
The customer replied, “Don’t worry old man. I’m just so sorry I’m going to have to ask you to do it again…”