Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I just went to a restaurant and all of my food was still fucking frozen solid. I asked the owner and he said that’s just how the product comes in.
10/10 ice cream shop would recommend again.

Two lawyers walk into a restaurant.
They put their briefcases on the floor and order two coffees. They get their coffee and pull out lunches from their briefcases.

"Sorry," the waitress says, "You can`t eat your own food here."

The lawyers look at one another, shrug their shoulders and swap sandwiches.

A teddy bear sits down at a restaurant
The waiter asks, “Would you like anything?” The bear responds, “No, I’m stuffed.”

Went to dinner last night at a restaurant, and there was a fly in my soup.
I wouldn't have normally minded, but the zipper broke my tooth.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time"
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

A restaurant has a challenge: "We will give $500 to any customer whose order we can not fill"
One day, a man sees this sign and decides to take them up on it. So when gets seated, he tells the waitress that he wants an elephant testicle on rye bread.

She dutifully takes his order back to the kitchen. A few seconds later he could hear all hell breaking loose in the kitchen: there's people shouting, swearing, pots and pans banging. A few minutes later, the manager comes out with $500 in hand.

"You really got us," he says, "this is the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread."

I used to visit a casino, until I found out their top floor restaurant served beef.
That meant the steaks were just too high for me.

Did you hear about the new Italian restaurant that just opened in the afterlife?
It's called Pasta Way.

I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no.
Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating…
She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"
One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry."
The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"
One of the other businessmen replies, "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

Можно ли назвать себя веселым человеком, если шутишь много, но про смерть ?

The best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan...

My son Video called me today.
He said "Dad why did you name me Video"?

I always take my problems to Tommy...
Hilfiger it out...

Wife: “Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?”

Me: “That’s a novel idea.”

- Когда я закончу институт, я выйду замуж.
- За меня?
- Нет. Удачно.

I called the co-dependent hotline, they asked me to have someone press 2.

I'm at my neighbor's house having the most delicious dinner.

Hope I finish before they get home!

Как понять, что девушка любит золотой дождь..?
У неё на лице написано...

Меня реально бесят каламбуры, связанные со швеями. Я пришью их автора.

- Вы имеете личного водителя?
- Нет, он только водит машину!

My teacher asked me to make up a sentence using the words defence, defeat and detail.

When a horse jumps over defence defeat go first then detail.

I once went out with my girlfriend to a fancy restaurant and she insisted on paying for the meal.
I said, "Don't be stupid, we're half way down the road now. Just keep running".

A ballet dancer friend of mine recently had twins. He's now a pas de deux.

This bloke went to his dentist and said, 'Wheres my normal dentist?"
He said, "He's on holiday, i'm just filling in!"

¿Sabes qué es bonito? Triunfar después de que nadie creyó en ti..

Am i old ? Well , i can remember when the Dead Sea was just a bit poorly .

Does every sentence need to include a vegetable?
Not necescelery!

Life is like chess.
You can never find a mate.

Just made a bet with my friend about who would get married first.
He said “may the best man win.”
I said “I’m not sure that’s how this works mate.”

My friend said: “Wow, your car looks awesome since you had it lowered!"
“I haven't had it lowered, you cheeky twat!" I replied. "I've just picked my wife up from McDonald's."

How do you make new mates?
*Asking for a friend.*

I told my friend that I had finally retired my aging car. He asked if I'd sold it or scrapped it..
I said nothing that drastic, I just put a new set of Michelins on it.

Once, my mate Dave got kicked out of a hospital. When I asked why, he said
Apparently "Stroke Patients Here" meant something else.

Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends ?
Because he's married.

Bro, I got good news and bad news.
Just gimme the good news bro.
The air bags in your car worked perfectly.

Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.

Вчера во время секса жена так кричала, что в конце концов пришлось пустить ее в квартиру.

A couple is walking in St.Petersburg on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.
“I think it’s raining,” says the man.
“No, it’s snowing,” says the woman.
“How about we ask this communist officer? He is always right. Is it raining or snowing, Officer Rudolph?”
“Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph says before walking off.
The man turns to his wife,
“See, Rudolph the red knows rain, dear.”

Friends are like condoms, they protect you when things get hard.

You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.

I don't make friends with people wearing eyepatches.
Friendship has two 'i's.

I loved my pet rock.
Our friendship was solid.

What do you call a friendship between punctuation?
Commaraderie.

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens.
"My hair & makeup are not done; the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."

" You wanna go for a ride in my new truck? "
Thats my pickup line.

Friendship is like peeing your pants.
Everyone can see it but only you feel the warmth.

I went into the Library and said "I'm looking for a book on how to let customers down politely."
The librarian said, "I'm terribly sorry sir but I can't help you with that."
I said 'Yes, that's the one."

Я спросил её: какой кофе она будет!??!
Она ответила: я нелюблю кофя особенно експрессо....
Я оху@л, и вышел с ристарана в акно...

Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
(You look for the Fresh Prints)

С женщинами не так хорошо, как без них плохо.

Good romance starts with a good friendship
A bad romance starts with "ra ra ah ah ah. ro, ro ma ma ga ga, ooh la la,"

Do you want a stable friendship?
Get a horse.

Sex ruined our friendship.
I wish my buddy hadn't walked in on me and his wife.

Сломай стереотип! Позвони маме и спроси, надела ли она шапку.

New co-worker: Nice to meet you.

Me: Give it time.

We can drink a drink, but we can’t food a food.

My wife just told me she wanted another baby.
I agreed, the one we have now is really annoying.

Did you know that all zodiac signs have a specific haircut ?....

.......Well, except Cancer.

Кроме исключительно русского словосочетания "да нет", есть ещё уникальное "давай бери".

Three friends go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

What does the eagle say to his friends before they go out hunting for food? 'Let us prey.'

Why did the Mushroom have lots of friends? Cause he's a fungi!

What's the most unrealistic thing about the Harry Potter books? A ginger with two friends.

Why did the zombie ignore all his Facebook friends? He was still DIGESTING all of his followers on Twitter!

Why can't you be friends with a squirrel? They drive everyone nuts.

In hell, everyone explains your joke.

I often wonder what would happen if I coated a stick in Teflon?
Would it not become a non-stick?

What did one boob say to the other boob? You're my breast friend.

What you get when you cross a ship called Titanic and an ocean called Atlantic?
... about halfway.

I accidentally ruined my wife's Chic record.
I hope she doesn't freak out.

What is cut on a table, but is never eaten?
A deck of cards.

Water is never really yours. It's just your turn to drink it.

Если ты неправ и молчишь - ты мудр.
Если ты прав и молчишь - ты женат.

There is nothing better than a friend …unless it’s a friend with chocolate.

Friends buy you lunch. Best friends eat your lunch.

If you hurt my best friend, I can make your death look like an accident.

Единственный способ похудеть с помощью зелёного чая - лезть в горы и собирать его там..

Why do guys have to put the toilet seat down, but girls don't have to put it up?