Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

When You Want to Annoy Someone at Work, Use Air Quotes when Addressing Their Work Title.

Never drink downstream from a cow herd.

If she asks for four chicken nuggets, buy ten.

Never put your hands into a hole that you can't see into.

If you’re no longer covered by your parents health insurance, your manufacturer’s warranty has expired...

I was lonely, so I bought some shares... It's nice to have a bit of company...

It is a wise man who lives with money in the bank, it is a fool who dies that way.
French Proverb.

Man who waits for roast duck to fly into mouth must wait very, very long time.
Chinese Proverb.

Every fish that gets away appears great.
Turkish Proverb.

Never let your feet run faster than your shoes.
Scottish Proverb.

A lazy shepherd is the wolf's friend.
Welsh Proverb.

It's in old kettles that one makes the best soup.
French Proverb.

When two dogs fight over a bone, a third one carries it away.
Dutch Proverb.

If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit.

There are no short cuts to any place worth going.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.

A turtle travels only when it sticks its neck out.
Korean Proverb.

Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.
Spanish Proverb.

Parents can tell but never teach, unless they practice what they preach.

You cannot get to the top by sitting on your bottom.

No one tests the depth of a river with both feet.

In a closed mouth, flies do not enter.
Mexican Proverb.

A ship in the harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.

A father is a banker provided by nature.
French Proverb

Luck is the idol of the idle.

Experience is a comb which nature gives us when we are bald.

Six feet of earth make all men equal.

Козлом обычно называют того, кто нашел себе другую козу.

Сначала ищешь справедливость, а потом другую работу...

На прямой дороге к успеху постоянно ведутся ремонтные работы.

Рога быстрее всего вырастают на лысине!

Все болезни от нервов, один сифилис от удовольствия.

У страха глаза велики и слабый мочевой пузырь.

Самый подходящий момент наступает в самое неподходящее время.

Интуиция - поразительное чутье, подсказывающее женщине, что она права, независимо от того, права она или нет.

Одиночество - это когда есть телефон, а звонит будильник.

Иногда только промахнувшись, понимаешь, как ты попал.

С возрастом понимаешь, что годы не только берут свое, но и пытаются отобрать наше.

Только в России из перевёрнутой машины может доноситься дружный смех...

Фотография жены в моем бумажнике, мне постоянно напоминает о том, что на этом же месте могли бы лежать деньги...

Природа щедро одарила ее красотой. На этом подарки кончились.

Занятие ерундой на рабочем месте хорошо развивает боковое зрение, слух, а также бдительность в целом!

Кто в армии служил, тот в цирке не смеется

В споре с круглым дураком и зацепиться-то не за что.

Если для женщин все мужики одинаковы, то почему они еще выбирают?!

Если хотите узнать глубину души человека, то плюньте ему в душу и считайте до тех пор, пока не получите по морде.

Человек ближе всего к совершенству в те моменты, когда он заполняет анкету при поступлении на работу.

Teacher: Johnny, can you use the word “gruesome” in a sentence?
Johnny: Yes ma’am, I used to be shorter, then I gruesome.

Я обычно не импровизирую, а доверяю жарить мясо маме. Этот старый, проверенный рецепт достался мне ещё от папы.

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford...

1. Find hotel in Prague.
2. Book holiday for Prague.
3. Pack suitcases for Prague.
4. Fly over to Prague.
This is my holiday Czech list.

My wife knows everything until I asked her a question !

Манипулировать дураком легко, просто не забывай говорить ему: "Ну ты же умный человек..."

A man walks into a clock shop and flops his dick out onto the counter. The woman behind the counter yells, “What the hell are you doing?!” He says, “This a clock shop isn’t it?” She says, “Yes.” So he says, “Well I want two hands and a face on this.”

I used to date a girl from the south pole,her name is Ann Tartic.

Can the Bible also be called...

Faithbook??

ща на дорогах такое творится!...
СТРАШНО ПРАВА ПОКУПАТЬ!!!

Он принимал её такой, какая она есть, и успокоительное...

My multiplication joke never seems to work.
I've tried it four times too.

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip...

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Old Italian proverb...

Why was Dr Watson so smart?? He was Holmes schooled.

It's better to have loved a short girl
Than to have never loved a tall.

—¿A qué piensas dedicarte?
—Adivina.
—No sé, ¿qué te gusta?
—Los niños.
—¿Maestro, pediatra?
—No, sacerdote.

Why'd Robert Plant get kicked off the debate team?
He had a tendency to ramble on.

-“Excavators have found a series of unexplored tunnels at a site in a Welsh town.”
-“Underneath?”
-“No, under Rhyl.”

Why shouldn't you date math teachers?
Because they have a lot of problems, and expect someone else to find the solutions.

80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts.

My memory is getting so bad I can't tell you the last thing I forgot.

— Изя, почему русские эмигранты голосуют за Путина?
— Сёма, чем хуже будет в России, тем им будет приятней, что они вовремя из неё съебались!

The rule. There are exceptions to every rule.
This is the only rule without exception.
That makes it an exception to the rule.

Just told my doctor that I have a problem with my left ear. He asked are you sure?? Yeah, I'm definite...😏

Выпившей самке богомола даже некому позвонить.

I'm so lazy when telling jokes

Think I may become a sit-down comedian.

A met a vampire bat who has an online dating site. Love at first byte.

Why are priests called 'Father'

Because it would be too suspicious calling them "Daddy".

Why did the sun go to school?
To get brighter.

My friend keeps complaining about his car from Sweden.
I'm tired of his Saab stories

My friend just finished writing a book on “How To Make Money”.
Now, he needs money to publish it. I told him to read the book.