Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

It was awkward silence for 8 hours straight,With an occasional sigh or heavy breath.
Then she woke up and screamed: who the fuck are you?

I got into an awkward situation by having an erection at the office.
I was hard at work.

My therapist says I'm socially awkward because I misinterpret what people say to me...
I'm pretty sure she wants me.

I went to a 4-year olds birthday party once, it was kinda awkward...
...probably because I wasn't invited...

This guy was buying a pregnancy test. I looked at him and he looked back awkwardly.
"It's not for me," he said, embarrassed. "It's for my sister."
I said, "Sick bastard. Why are you having sex with her?"

"May I sleep with your sister?" is such an awkward question to ask.
I have no idea how my dad is going to respond.

Don’t believe everything you read in public toilets. Sharon is not up for a good time. What an awkward phone call that was...

I had sex with a deaf girl and it got awkward really fast.
Her sign language interpreter wouldn't leave the room.

What do you say after sex to make it awkward?
Do you have a washcloth? My dog usually cleans me up.

How does a tree handle an awkward situation?
It leaves.

I was walking a girl home last night, and at some point, things got a little awkward.
She turned around, and saw me walking her home.

When the lockdown started, all I did was masturbate and watch TV all day.
After 3 weeks it got awkward and my coworkers decided to tell me how to turn my camera off on Zoom.

Prince Harry’s bachelor party had to be pretty awkward.
He was putting pictures of his grandma in a strippers G string.

What's an awkward moment for a homosexual when they're trying to use Google Maps?
When it tells them to go straight.

That awkward moment when you're about to hug someone sexy as hell and then you hit the mirror.

That awkward moment when the woman you’re dancing behind bends over so you can grind it. But it turns out she just dropped an earring, and no one else in Mcdonalds can hear the music on your iPod.

My window cleaner caught me masturbating today. It was awkward.
Maybe I shouldn't have been standing in his garden.

My sister and my new girlfriend have the same name. That‘s so awkward... now every time we have sex I gotta think about my new girlfriend.

My wife reckons that recently I have become an awkward, arrogant cunt, and she just can't understand me.
Seems like my French classes are going really well.

If you think buying condoms is awkward,
Try returning them. I haven't been laid in forever.

My wedding night with my wife was awkward...
When we undressed I told her she was beautiful and looked like a goddess in the moonlight. She told me it looked like my hard on was trying to ask my butt a question.

My proctologist tried to ease the awkwardness after the unexpected orgasm by telling me it's perfectly natural.
I just wish he'd have aimed away from me.

A pirate awkwardly stumbles into a bar.
Bartender: What's wrong?

Pirate: Aye, a scallywag shoved me boat's steering wheel down me pants and it's stuck there in me crotch!

Bartender: That sounds painful.

Pirate: Aye, it's a driving me nuts.

A girl suggested I set up a double date to make our first time out less awkward.
I really hope my parents like her.

My nerdy friend got a Ph.D on the History of Palindromes.
He’s now Dr.Awkward.

That Awkward moment when you pay $2 for Evian water.
and notice if spelled backwards your Naive.

It's awkward touching hands with a woman in a popcorn bag.
Especially if you don't know her and she doesn't know that you're eating her popcorn.

That awkward moment when at the end she wanted a handshake, but you went on for a full french kiss
That job interview wasn’t really going anywhere, anyway.

What's the difference between awkward and uncomfortable?
Underwear can be uncomfortable, but when you involve other people in the problem it gets awkward.

I was watching porn last night when my grandmother suddenly walked in.
⁠ It was an awkward way to find out what she did for a living.

My first orgy was an experience to remember. I expected to it to be full of awkwardness and disappointment.
But thankfully all my cousins were really supportive.

That awkward moment when you're having sex with a German girl and she keeps yelling "Nine!"
Like, are you just yelling your age or are ten of us too many?

I went on a date for the first time and it went very poorly.
My wife agreed it was very awkward and told me we shouldn't try it again any time soon.

My girlfriend bought me the karma sutra.
Which put me in a very awkward position.

I wanna try asking out my school crush, but it might come off as awkward.
Man being a teacher is hard.

That awkward moment when you tell a chemistry joke, and get no reaction.
I guess all the good chemistry puns argon.

I hate shower sex.
It's slippery, awkward, and one of the worst things about prison.

Giving prostate exams is one of the more awkward parts of being a doctor.
I just hope my patients don't realize im a dentist.

What happens when you get a 100 socially awkward people together in a room?
Nothing.

Пусть моются те, кому лень чесаться...

"Яжматери" обычно имеют детей от "ябвдулов".

У той России, у которой из союзников только армия и флот, врагов, собственно, тоже немного: образование и культура.

When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."

How does the Pope pay for things on eBay? He uses his Papal account.

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

Мужик должен быть как заяц — слегка косой и при капусте..

Воспитательница ясельной группы, Виолетта Валерьевна, уже свыклась с фактом, что ее зовут Фиолетовое Варенье.

Teacher: Can anyone give me a concise summary of Lord of The Rings?
Johnny: Small people return stolen jewellery.

За зиму я набрала 10 кг. Не подскажете, где Можно купить леопардовые лосины ?

When I was at school my teacher told me that I'd never get a job just staring out the window.

Jokes on her, I've been driving trains for 28 years.

The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, “This is a bit awkward.” I grunted...
“Just ignore them!”

I bought my friend a telepathic abacus. It wasn't an expensive gift, but....
It's the thought that counts!

If you see someone crying, ask if it's because of their haircut.

Never joke with a kleptomaniac, they will take it, literally.

Treat Every Problem as Your Dog Would.

Be a Smart Feller, Not a Fart Smeller.

Don't Half-Ass Two Things, Whole-Ass One Thing.

If You Cut the Tennis Balls in Half, You Can Fit 6 in a Container.

You Know You're Ugly when You Get Handed the Camera Every Time They Make a Group Photo.

Dance like no one is watching. Because they're not. They're checking their phones.

Marry Someone Who Has a Different Favorite Cereal than You So They Won't Eat All of Yours.

Don't Let Go of You Wife's Hand at the Mall, Because She Will Start Shopping.

Ladies, if a man says he'll fix something, he will. There's no point in telling him about it every six months.

If You Swim with a Friend, Your Chances of Getting Eaten by a Shark Will Drop by 50%.

If You Attempt to Rob a Bank, You Will Have No Trouble with Rent or Bills for the Next Ten Years, Whether You Are Successful or Not.

If There is no Flashlight on Your Phone, Take a Photo of the Sun and Use It in the Dark.

It Doesn't Matter Where You Get Your Appetite as Long as You Eat at Home.

Don't Be Sad, Because Sad Backwards Is Das, And Das Not Good.

If You Can't Wish for More Wishes, then Wish for More Genies.

Are You Nervous? Don't be Nervous.

Don't Open the Window When in Submarine.

There's a little-known, but foolproof defense against sharks. Sharks will only attack you if you're wet.

My father once told me, "Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it's something your father told you."

If you're late, just say, "Sorry I'm late, I was at home sitting down.

Never Read the Words "COVID-19" to the Tune of the Song "Come on Eileen."

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

After giving people advice always say, “I'm not sure it works tho” so they can't say it ruined their life.

Did you know most Americans pray before they eat?
Can you imagine praying eighteen times a day?

If You Hear Weird Noises in the Night, Simply Make Weirder Noises to Assert Dominance.

If you start a phone call with, “My phone is almost dead,” you can hang up at any time.