Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My wife is upset because The Rolling Stones had to cancel their concert. I told her, "You can't always get what you want."

Пожилой гаишник был уверен, что Великий Пост находится где-то на Рублёвском шоссе.

My fat wife and I were enjoying a swim in the hotel pool, when a little boy of about five got into trouble and appeared to be drowning.
Luckily, my wife was there to save his life...
She got out to inform the lifeguard and the water level dropped enough for him to stand up!

The most jerk offs ever done in a day was 52 times.
Don't bother trying it. It's hard to beat.

"Unless I'm myself. I'm nobody."

• Virginia Woolf

What do lizards play on the piano?
Scales.

Прояви инициативу : ничего не делай.

I can bear any pain as long as it has meaning. ~Haruki Murakami

We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be.

- May Sarton

I need someone to help me sort out the terrible condensation problem in my kitchen...

Pop round anytime. The kettle's always on!

- Маск, а мы запустили в космос цены, как тебе такое?

I found an old VHS tape but don’t have the player to watch it.
Does anyone know if the film “Cleaning Cassette” is streaming online?

What is the difference between a bad haircut and a good hair cut?
About 2 weeks.

You don't find love, it finds you. It's got a little bit to do with destiny, fate, and what's written in the stars.
— Anaïs Nin

3.14% of sailors are πrates.
3.14% of people in planes are πlots.
3.14% of of trees are πne trees.

Городок у нас небольшой, все друг друга знают.
Поэтому слово "анонимных" в названии нашего клуба мы убрали...

If you pull out the pin from a grenade, can you put it back in?

Needing a quick answer on this one.

“One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well.”

— Virginia Woolf,
From “A Room of One’s Own”

"Love is so short, forgetting is so long"

•Pablo Neruda

My husband’s favourite sex position is ‘the JFK’.
He splatters all over me while I scream and try to get out of the car...

Не хочется говорить плохо о людях, но нельзя же всю жизнь молчать.

Solar energy is actually nuclear energy from a safe distance.

If a drug causes diarrhea, isn't that a rear effect, not a side effect?

— Рабинович, у вас алиби есть?
— А шо это такое?
— Ну, видел ли вас кто-нибудь во время убийства?
— Слава Богу, нет.

Девочки, запомните! Будете постоянно держать себя в рамках- превратитесь в портрет.

Me: You should have used cosine here.

Son: Forgive me father for I have sin.

Don't talk to me like I'm stupid until you know for sure.

There was a classified ad in my local newspaper. Not allowed to tell you what it was selling.

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

— Ну, что сказал доктор?
— Он посоветовал мне отдохнуть у моря. Сёма, куда поедем?
— К другому доктору.

Русский язык Шредингера: если одежда хорошо СИДИТ - значит, она ИДЕТ.

Спрашивает цыплёнок у матери-курицы:
- Мама, а меня аист принёс?
- Да, сынок, только папе не говори!

Did you know that running for just 10 minutes a day raises your risk of posting inspirational quotes by 63%?

I read in a book somewhere that we only use 12% of our brains... I wonder what the other half is for?

Hate when I go out in public and the public is there.

Спасибо интернету, что показал мне, что в мире существует множество людей тупее меня. Отдельное спасибо инстаграму.

My wife left me because I said she was an awful pilot.
I can’t believe she took off like that.

I'm afraid of French chefs.
They give me the
crepes.

— Махмут Равилевич, как поживаете?
— Плохо, сын женится.
— Да что ж тут плохого? У всех сыновья женятся. Как невесту зовут?
— Андрей.
— Ну да, имя не татарское...

Устроился на работу в пункт вакцинации. Вкалываю круглосуточно. 🤓

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex wit you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I charge 20 an hour.'
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. 'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.' The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees. 'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say 'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'
'Ah,' says the German 'dat is de Four-sprung Duck technique'

I asked my Dad why he decided to buy a boat?

He said "There was a sail."

I've always really wanted to learn how to Juggle.
I've just never had the balls.

Every time I see a boiling kettle, I have to take a picture with me beside it.
I guess I have selfie steam issues.

I played the USSR national anthem on my Lenovo laptop.

Now it's a Leninovo.

Why do dogs carry bones in their mouths?
Coz they don't have pockets...

I just had an argument with my kettle. Things just seemed to boil over.

if a plant is sad, do other plants photosympathize?

If you are not meant to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw?

Поймал дед золотую рыбку. Рыбка взмолилась и попросила её отпустить, пообещав за это исполнить три его желания.
- А я смогу только два раза! – сказал дед и густо покраснел.

Always end a conversation with "gotta run" so people think you're into fitness.

Why haven't aliens visited our Solar System yet?
They looked at the reviews... only 1 star.

What's Irish and sits outside all day?
Patty O'Furniture!

— Ну и каково жить в зоне сейсмической активности?
— Потрясающе.

Благотворительность – способ раздавать малую часть наворованного, чтоб оправдать большую.

"No se enamoren de una mujer bonita, enamórense de una mujer inteligente, ella sabrá como ponerse bonita." - Marilyn Monroe

A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.

I BROKE MY BATHROOM MIRROR TODAY, I HOPE THAT DOESN'T REFLECT ON ME.

Pat says to Mike, my wife is driving me to drink. Mike says to Pat your lucky my wife makes me walk...!!!

One year ago today, I asked my childhood sweetheart., my best friend..and the most beautiful girl I've ever met to marry me........
All 3 said no.

Why do people wear shamrocks on St Patrick’s day?

Regular rocks are too heavy.

Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover?

Because you shouldn't press your luck!

Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?
Cause it is pointless.

Why should you only make Irish soup with 239 beans?
Because one more would be too farty!

У Сергея так давно не было секса, что его стали возбуждать таблички ВХОД и выХод.

Трудно в темной комнате найти черные носки, если они не пахнут.

40% этилового спирта делают счастливыми 80% россиян.

Preparing my annual Saint Patrick's Day 7 course meal.. a baked potato and a 6 pack.

My favourite saying is better out than in which is probably why I lost my job as a prison guard.

Dull cooks just use the same seasonings, thyme and thyme again.

- У кого растут усы, как у гребанной лисы?
- Девушка, а можно мне к другому косметологу?

Однажды я решил создать подушку безопасности и с каждой зарплаты покупать 5 г серебра, одну акцию Аэрофлота, 10 долларов, 10 евро и один инвестиционный пай. Теперь у меня есть 5 г серебра, одна акция Аэрофлота, 10 долларов, 10 евро, один инвестиционный пай и долг за коммуналку.

- Вы хотите сменяемости власти?
- Да нам хотя бы вменяемости.

Made a lamb curry last night.

But apparently they prefer to eat hay.

-¡No entres ahí, imbécil! ¡No entres a esa iglesia! ¡NOOO!
-¿Qué película estás viendo, cariño?
-El vídeo de nuestra boda.

What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day?
St. O'Claus.

Today on the news.
Gym caught on fire.
I guess it burn alot of calories.

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says: "Are you on foot or in the car?"
Billy replies: "In the car."
"Well that's the quickest way," says Paddy.

Сегодня в столовке у кассирши не оказалось сдачи, и она просто отхлебнула борща.

Самцы богомолов утверждают, что онанизм значительно продлевает жизнь...