Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, “This is a bit awkward.” I grunted...
“Just ignore them!”

I bought my friend a telepathic abacus. It wasn't an expensive gift, but....
It's the thought that counts!

If you see someone crying, ask if it's because of their haircut.

Never joke with a kleptomaniac, they will take it, literally.

Treat Every Problem as Your Dog Would.

Be a Smart Feller, Not a Fart Smeller.

Don't Half-Ass Two Things, Whole-Ass One Thing.

If You Cut the Tennis Balls in Half, You Can Fit 6 in a Container.

You Know You're Ugly when You Get Handed the Camera Every Time They Make a Group Photo.

Dance like no one is watching. Because they're not. They're checking their phones.

Marry Someone Who Has a Different Favorite Cereal than You So They Won't Eat All of Yours.

Don't Let Go of You Wife's Hand at the Mall, Because She Will Start Shopping.

Ladies, if a man says he'll fix something, he will. There's no point in telling him about it every six months.

If You Swim with a Friend, Your Chances of Getting Eaten by a Shark Will Drop by 50%.

If You Attempt to Rob a Bank, You Will Have No Trouble with Rent or Bills for the Next Ten Years, Whether You Are Successful or Not.

If There is no Flashlight on Your Phone, Take a Photo of the Sun and Use It in the Dark.

It Doesn't Matter Where You Get Your Appetite as Long as You Eat at Home.

Don't Be Sad, Because Sad Backwards Is Das, And Das Not Good.

If You Can't Wish for More Wishes, then Wish for More Genies.

Are You Nervous? Don't be Nervous.

Don't Open the Window When in Submarine.

There's a little-known, but foolproof defense against sharks. Sharks will only attack you if you're wet.

My father once told me, "Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it's something your father told you."

If you're late, just say, "Sorry I'm late, I was at home sitting down.

Never Read the Words "COVID-19" to the Tune of the Song "Come on Eileen."

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

After giving people advice always say, “I'm not sure it works tho” so they can't say it ruined their life.

Did you know most Americans pray before they eat?
Can you imagine praying eighteen times a day?

If You Hear Weird Noises in the Night, Simply Make Weirder Noises to Assert Dominance.

If you start a phone call with, “My phone is almost dead,” you can hang up at any time.

If you find a toilet in your dream, don’t use it.

When You Want to Annoy Someone at Work, Use Air Quotes when Addressing Their Work Title.

Never drink downstream from a cow herd.

If she asks for four chicken nuggets, buy ten.

Never put your hands into a hole that you can't see into.

If you’re no longer covered by your parents health insurance, your manufacturer’s warranty has expired...

I was lonely, so I bought some shares... It's nice to have a bit of company...

It is a wise man who lives with money in the bank, it is a fool who dies that way.
French Proverb.

Man who waits for roast duck to fly into mouth must wait very, very long time.
Chinese Proverb.

Every fish that gets away appears great.
Turkish Proverb.

Never let your feet run faster than your shoes.
Scottish Proverb.

A lazy shepherd is the wolf's friend.
Welsh Proverb.

It's in old kettles that one makes the best soup.
French Proverb.

When two dogs fight over a bone, a third one carries it away.
Dutch Proverb.

If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit.

There are no short cuts to any place worth going.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.

A turtle travels only when it sticks its neck out.
Korean Proverb.

Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.
Spanish Proverb.

Parents can tell but never teach, unless they practice what they preach.

You cannot get to the top by sitting on your bottom.

No one tests the depth of a river with both feet.

In a closed mouth, flies do not enter.
Mexican Proverb.

A ship in the harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.

A father is a banker provided by nature.
French Proverb

Luck is the idol of the idle.

Experience is a comb which nature gives us when we are bald.

Six feet of earth make all men equal.

Козлом обычно называют того, кто нашел себе другую козу.

Сначала ищешь справедливость, а потом другую работу...

На прямой дороге к успеху постоянно ведутся ремонтные работы.

Рога быстрее всего вырастают на лысине!

Все болезни от нервов, один сифилис от удовольствия.

У страха глаза велики и слабый мочевой пузырь.

Самый подходящий момент наступает в самое неподходящее время.

Интуиция - поразительное чутье, подсказывающее женщине, что она права, независимо от того, права она или нет.

Одиночество - это когда есть телефон, а звонит будильник.

Иногда только промахнувшись, понимаешь, как ты попал.

С возрастом понимаешь, что годы не только берут свое, но и пытаются отобрать наше.

Только в России из перевёрнутой машины может доноситься дружный смех...

Фотография жены в моем бумажнике, мне постоянно напоминает о том, что на этом же месте могли бы лежать деньги...

Природа щедро одарила ее красотой. На этом подарки кончились.

Занятие ерундой на рабочем месте хорошо развивает боковое зрение, слух, а также бдительность в целом!

Кто в армии служил, тот в цирке не смеется

В споре с круглым дураком и зацепиться-то не за что.

Если для женщин все мужики одинаковы, то почему они еще выбирают?!

Если хотите узнать глубину души человека, то плюньте ему в душу и считайте до тех пор, пока не получите по морде.

Человек ближе всего к совершенству в те моменты, когда он заполняет анкету при поступлении на работу.

Teacher: Johnny, can you use the word “gruesome” in a sentence?
Johnny: Yes ma’am, I used to be shorter, then I gruesome.