Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford...

1. Find hotel in Prague.
2. Book holiday for Prague.
3. Pack suitcases for Prague.
4. Fly over to Prague.
This is my holiday Czech list.

My wife knows everything until I asked her a question !

Манипулировать дураком легко, просто не забывай говорить ему: "Ну ты же умный человек..."

A man walks into a clock shop and flops his dick out onto the counter. The woman behind the counter yells, “What the hell are you doing?!” He says, “This a clock shop isn’t it?” She says, “Yes.” So he says, “Well I want two hands and a face on this.”

I used to date a girl from the south pole,her name is Ann Tartic.

Can the Bible also be called...

Faithbook??

ща на дорогах такое творится!...
СТРАШНО ПРАВА ПОКУПАТЬ!!!

Он принимал её такой, какая она есть, и успокоительное...

My multiplication joke never seems to work.
I've tried it four times too.

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip...

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Old Italian proverb...

Why was Dr Watson so smart?? He was Holmes schooled.

It's better to have loved a short girl
Than to have never loved a tall.

—¿A qué piensas dedicarte?
—Adivina.
—No sé, ¿qué te gusta?
—Los niños.
—¿Maestro, pediatra?
—No, sacerdote.

Why'd Robert Plant get kicked off the debate team?
He had a tendency to ramble on.

-“Excavators have found a series of unexplored tunnels at a site in a Welsh town.”
-“Underneath?”
-“No, under Rhyl.”

Why shouldn't you date math teachers?
Because they have a lot of problems, and expect someone else to find the solutions.

80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts.

My memory is getting so bad I can't tell you the last thing I forgot.

— Изя, почему русские эмигранты голосуют за Путина?
— Сёма, чем хуже будет в России, тем им будет приятней, что они вовремя из неё съебались!

The rule. There are exceptions to every rule.
This is the only rule without exception.
That makes it an exception to the rule.

Just told my doctor that I have a problem with my left ear. He asked are you sure?? Yeah, I'm definite...😏

Выпившей самке богомола даже некому позвонить.

I'm so lazy when telling jokes

Think I may become a sit-down comedian.

A met a vampire bat who has an online dating site. Love at first byte.

Why are priests called 'Father'

Because it would be too suspicious calling them "Daddy".

Why did the sun go to school?
To get brighter.

My friend keeps complaining about his car from Sweden.
I'm tired of his Saab stories

My friend just finished writing a book on “How To Make Money”.
Now, he needs money to publish it. I told him to read the book.

My wife is upset because The Rolling Stones had to cancel their concert. I told her, "You can't always get what you want."

Пожилой гаишник был уверен, что Великий Пост находится где-то на Рублёвском шоссе.

My fat wife and I were enjoying a swim in the hotel pool, when a little boy of about five got into trouble and appeared to be drowning.
Luckily, my wife was there to save his life...
She got out to inform the lifeguard and the water level dropped enough for him to stand up!

The most jerk offs ever done in a day was 52 times.
Don't bother trying it. It's hard to beat.

"Unless I'm myself. I'm nobody."

• Virginia Woolf

What do lizards play on the piano?
Scales.

Прояви инициативу : ничего не делай.

I can bear any pain as long as it has meaning. ~Haruki Murakami

We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be.

- May Sarton

I need someone to help me sort out the terrible condensation problem in my kitchen...

Pop round anytime. The kettle's always on!

- Маск, а мы запустили в космос цены, как тебе такое?

I found an old VHS tape but don’t have the player to watch it.
Does anyone know if the film “Cleaning Cassette” is streaming online?

What is the difference between a bad haircut and a good hair cut?
About 2 weeks.

You don't find love, it finds you. It's got a little bit to do with destiny, fate, and what's written in the stars.
— Anaïs Nin

3.14% of sailors are πrates.
3.14% of people in planes are πlots.
3.14% of of trees are πne trees.

Городок у нас небольшой, все друг друга знают.
Поэтому слово "анонимных" в названии нашего клуба мы убрали...

If you pull out the pin from a grenade, can you put it back in?

Needing a quick answer on this one.

“One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well.”

— Virginia Woolf,
From “A Room of One’s Own”

"Love is so short, forgetting is so long"

•Pablo Neruda

My husband’s favourite sex position is ‘the JFK’.
He splatters all over me while I scream and try to get out of the car...

Не хочется говорить плохо о людях, но нельзя же всю жизнь молчать.

Solar energy is actually nuclear energy from a safe distance.

If a drug causes diarrhea, isn't that a rear effect, not a side effect?

— Рабинович, у вас алиби есть?
— А шо это такое?
— Ну, видел ли вас кто-нибудь во время убийства?
— Слава Богу, нет.

Девочки, запомните! Будете постоянно держать себя в рамках- превратитесь в портрет.

Me: You should have used cosine here.

Son: Forgive me father for I have sin.

Don't talk to me like I'm stupid until you know for sure.

There was a classified ad in my local newspaper. Not allowed to tell you what it was selling.

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

— Ну, что сказал доктор?
— Он посоветовал мне отдохнуть у моря. Сёма, куда поедем?
— К другому доктору.

Русский язык Шредингера: если одежда хорошо СИДИТ - значит, она ИДЕТ.

Спрашивает цыплёнок у матери-курицы:
- Мама, а меня аист принёс?
- Да, сынок, только папе не говори!

Did you know that running for just 10 minutes a day raises your risk of posting inspirational quotes by 63%?

I read in a book somewhere that we only use 12% of our brains... I wonder what the other half is for?

Hate when I go out in public and the public is there.

Спасибо интернету, что показал мне, что в мире существует множество людей тупее меня. Отдельное спасибо инстаграму.

My wife left me because I said she was an awful pilot.
I can’t believe she took off like that.

I'm afraid of French chefs.
They give me the
crepes.

— Махмут Равилевич, как поживаете?
— Плохо, сын женится.
— Да что ж тут плохого? У всех сыновья женятся. Как невесту зовут?
— Андрей.
— Ну да, имя не татарское...

Устроился на работу в пункт вакцинации. Вкалываю круглосуточно. 🤓

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex wit you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I charge 20 an hour.'
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. 'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.' The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees. 'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say 'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'
'Ah,' says the German 'dat is de Four-sprung Duck technique'

I asked my Dad why he decided to buy a boat?

He said "There was a sail."

I've always really wanted to learn how to Juggle.
I've just never had the balls.

Every time I see a boiling kettle, I have to take a picture with me beside it.
I guess I have selfie steam issues.

I played the USSR national anthem on my Lenovo laptop.

Now it's a Leninovo.

Why do dogs carry bones in their mouths?
Coz they don't have pockets...

I just had an argument with my kettle. Things just seemed to boil over.

if a plant is sad, do other plants photosympathize?

If you are not meant to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw?

Поймал дед золотую рыбку. Рыбка взмолилась и попросила её отпустить, пообещав за это исполнить три его желания.
- А я смогу только два раза! – сказал дед и густо покраснел.