Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I am fired from my job from the bullet manufacturing company for not hitting targets.

Scientists do not know how many sheep there are in the world because every time they try counting them, they fall asleep.

I sleep better naked.
Why can’t the flight attendant understand this?

- Фима, ты обещал любить меня вечно!
- ну Розочка ж, вечно - таки не значит непрерывно!

Just because you WANT a good man doesn't mean you deserve one...

What do you call a bird that is scared of heights?

A chicken.

What did the hotdog say to the bun? It was nice to meat you!

“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he is too old to go anywhere.”
— Billy Crystal

"I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there."
—Oscar Wilde

Had a hard talk with my financial planner yesterday. He explained that he was the broker and I was the brokee.

Q: what did the tree say after a long winter?
A: “what a reLeaf”

Steps for surviving on a dessert island:
1. Check spelling.
2. If correct, enjoy.

“The only thing that could spoil a day was people and if you could keep from making engagements, each day had no limits.”
— Hemingway

Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.

“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.”

Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere's Fan

Тренер объясняет мне как победить в забеге, но я не догоняю.

Have you ever wondered what Wonder Woman wonders about?

What is the smelliest kind of ox?

A buttocks.

If you break the laws of grammar you must pay the syntax.

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a traffic wardens funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
"Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork"

When the cannibal was late for lunch they gave him the cold shoulder.

I hate it when I gain 15 pounds for a role, only to realize I'm not even an actor.

Me to my son: Could you take down that last clock and change it ?

Him: I can try, but it'll probably still be a clock.

So this bloke said to me the other day...
“Didn't one of your sisters used to play the mouth organ?”
“Arrr” I replied “That’ll be our Monica.

Доктор:
- Хорошо, а сейчас сколько пальцев?
Больной:
- Знаете, не так я себе представлял проверку простаты.

Can you name the famous American Gold depository?
Thought not.

It's pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it's not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes.

Словно два магнита: жопа и кровать . Трудно от кровати жопу оторвать.

This guy came up behind me, pushed a large key into my back and started turning it.
I said to him "Are you trying to wind me up?

Me and a friend went up to the Ryanair check-in desk.
The girl asked: "Do you have reservations?"
I said: "Yes, but we're flying with you anyway."

A man calls his son in to help him sort out something on his computer.
The son sits down looks at it and within a minute has solved the problem.
His dad says “wow that was quick what was the problem?”
The son says “it was just an Id ten t issue.”
What’s that? Asks dad, so the son writes it down for him and leaves.
“ID10T”

Why does the Pirates of The Caribbean DVD have a piracy warning?

I always knew that one day I'd end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn't expect everyone to keep on bowling.

What do you call a reindeer that loves cheese?
Mickey Moose.

It’s not premarital sex if you never get married.

Сидя в караоке всегда можно определить, кого бросили, кто давно не трахался, а кто просто дебил...

I went to the doctor and asked him "have you got anything for wind?"
He gave me a kite.

Friend requested we get together and share some cocktails.
I replied “No, I prefer to keep my sex life private ”.

A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?”
“Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.”
The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

[loud knocking ]
"Open up. its the police"..
Me: "prove it"..
"How"?..
Me: "Sing Roxanne"...

Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.

If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead!

Misheard my financial adviser and put all my money into socks and chairs.

The word ‘swims’ is still ‘swims’ upside down.

I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, "I'm not sure, it's hard to keep track."

What’s the difference between a mosquito and a fly?
A mosquito can fly, but a fly can’t mosquito.

What's the difference between a Seal
and a Sea lion?

ion.

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

My son asked me, "Dad, what are condoms used for?"

I said, "Usually to avoid answering questions like this one."

Know why Africans win most eating contests in the USA?
.
Beginner's luck.

Son: Dad, for $20 I will be good.
Dad: Oh yeah! When I was your age, I was good for nothing.

I live like I type.
Fast and with lots of miskates!

Preacher marries a chorus girl. On ther wedding night he asks "Am I the first man to sleep with you?" She replies "If you fall asleep, yes."

He drops his trousers and asks "have you seen one of these before?" She shakes her head. "This my penis".

"It looks a bit like a cock, but much smaller."

Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you're interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn't our lawn ever look that nice?"

Reminder: It’s very easy to lose an electron, so that’s something to keep an ion.

Me: "Excuse me, but could you show me where the self help books are?"

Librarian: "Yes, but that would kind of defeat the purpose"

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
A father-in-law.

Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?

It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.

What happens to deposed kings? They get throne away.

Just ordered a DVD called: “How To Never Pay Tax Again”.
Only cost £7.99 (plus VAT).

What gets bigger when more is taken away?
A hole.

You can't make someone love you.

All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I went Speed Dating last night...
"Have you got any pets?" one girl asked.
"Yeah, a goldfish."
"Any hobbies?" she said
"Yes, he loves swimming..."

If you like water, you already like 72 percent of me.

She texted me: "your adorable."
I replied: "no, YOU'RE adorable."
Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.

A noun and a verb were dating but they split up because the noun was too possessive.

Ladies, you can tell a lot about a man by how dogs react to him.
For example, if the police K9 is biting him, he may not be ideal.

Don't date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.

My ultimate goal is to become a retractable tape measure.

You don't understand the lengths I'd go to.

I sat in my hairdressers chair and said "Make me look sexy!'
She started drinking.

Why when someone sees a dog their first instinct is to ask it what its doing?

Did you ever notice that the word 'nun' is just the letter n doing a forward roll?

Doctor said: "Come over here to the window and put your tongue out please".
I said: "Why, is the light better over there?"
He said: "No, I just hate the man in the office block opposite".

If you can’t win a social media argument you can always correct they’re grammar.

Top 10 reasons to eat pussy :
👅👅👅
#10 If pussy wasn't meant to be kissed they wouldn't have lips.
#9 Keeps your lips moist, you'll save a fortune on ChapStick.
#8 The best cure for a dry mouth is a wet pussy.
#7 It's Vegan friendly if you are into that sort of thing.
#6 The taste.
#5 He who does not suck the clit does not get to hit. Coochiticus.
#4 She is more than likely return the favor( if you do it right).
#3 The taste (it's worth saying twice).
#2 The way she moans when you're sucking out her soul.
#1 It's Pussy duh! Eat up like a bigboy.

Girlfriend after sex: how did you get so good at eating pussy? Boyfriend: my mom taught me.

Если долго смотреть на девушку, то можно увидеть, как из гадкого утёнка она превращается в сварливого баклана.

У нас крысы не бегут корабля! Они у нас управляют им.

“The first thing reading teaches us is how to be alone.”

~Jonathan Francen~

I was walking late at night when I heard a russle in the bushes, I said:
Russel! Get out of the bushes!