Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Fire smells exactly like burnt nose hair.

My teacher asked me to use the word "bucolic" in a sentence.

I said, "You want me to use the word 'bucolic' in a sentence?"

She replied, "Yes."

I said, "I just did."

Growing tomatoes is really the best way to devote 3 months of your life only to save $2.17.

I was just Googling the history of the seatbelt.
Fastenating stuff.

Q: why did Neil Armstrong’s son get suspended from school?
A: he was being astronaughty.

There are 2 reasons I never became a plumber, Number 1.....and Number 2.

My friend said she'd got a job in a bowling alley.
I said: "Tenpin?"
She said: "No, it's permanent".

Рабинович у себя в огороде закапывает деньги.
Сосед его спрашивает:
— Моня, что ты делаешь? Ведь скоро наступит коммунизм, и денег вообще ни у кого не будет!
— А у меня будут!

My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.

But I'm on a roll now.

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really?
Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied,
"My wife."

The most gullible chemical element is easily lead.

The final four letters in the word “queue” aren’t silent...

...thry’re just waiting their turn.

My wife asked me why the bottle of wine we bought yesterday was half empty.

I said because she is a pessimist.

A Linux user, a vegan, and an atheist walked into a bar...

I know because they told everybody there.

Police have confirmed a man has been arrested in Burnley after falling into a combine harvester whilst trying to steal it.
He is due to be bailed tomorrow...

If you are swayed by the power of suede have you been persueded?

What do you call Bears with no ears

B.

A chemist froze himself at -273.15°C, everyone said he was crazy but he was 0K.

Если жизнь не клеится, значит ты не умеешь пользоваться Моментом.

- Деда, а правда, в России когда-то был интернет?
- Правда, внучек!
- Деда, а что такое интернет?
- А вот подай, внучек, бересту — я тебе нарисую!

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.

Asked the librarian rather loudly for the wifi password. He said “Sshhhhhh!” I asked “is that all lower case?”

Imagine if you google Alzheimer’s symptoms and all the links are in purple...

What invention lets you look right through a wall?
A window. 😎

My job as a vacuum cleaner salesman sucks....but it’s picking up!

What happened when the purple ship and the red ship crashed into another?
They were both marooned.

Опыт — это то, что ты получаешь, когда хотел всего-навсего получить денег.

Just bought a greyhound, my mate said: “What you going to do it with it?” I said: “Race it“. He said: “My money’s on the dog”.

What do you call an Italian who's won the lottery, and wants to keep it quiet?
Donatella Nobody 😂

There was a Roman emperor who never aged after he turned 13. His name was Constant Teen.

I ordered some fish at the fish shop. I paid and I asked the salesman behind the counter to throw it at me.
He asked, "Why?"
I said, "So I can say I caught it myself!

A banana and a tomato are racing. The tomato is losing. What does it need to do?
Ketchup.

"Man is fond of counting his troubles, but he does not count his joys. If he counted them up as he ought to, he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for it."
By Fyodor Dostoevsky

I don’t hate leg day at the gym.
It’s the two days after I can’t stand!

- Когда у Рабиновича спросили, есть ли у него твиттер, он гордо ответил, шо был... Но он его таки вылечил...

If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.

My favourite teacher at school was called Mrs Turtle - strange name but she tortoise well.

My daughter asked me what "inexplicable" means.
I said "It's hard to explain."

A friend of mine used to shave lions and sell the fur.
It was his mane income.

My first job was at a running shoe company; I tried but I just didn’t fit in, The I got a job in a gym, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

I asked my wife if she ever faked an orgasm. She said she never had time.

If you cry during a Flood... you're just making things worse.

You come from Dust. You will return to dust. That is why I do not dust. It could be someone I know !

My wife and I farted at the same time.
We're stinkronized.

I bought some underwear online, now they want me to take a brief survey.

Hey girl, were you born on a chicken farm? Because you sure know how to raise a cock.

Q: What does a 75-year-old woman have between her breasts that a 25-year-old doesn’t?
A: Her navel.

Q: What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
A: I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well sister, this looks pretty grim." "I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree." "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" "I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe. "Oh father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life." "Is that true father?" "Yes it is, sister." "Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and lets get the hell out of here."

You know what's weird?
The term "Full of holes."

The wife just sold our water bed... she thought we were drifting apart.....

A friend of mine bought me a watch that has stopped working,
but I haven't told him yet.
It's never the right time.

Why were the Indians here first?
They had reservations.

My next door neighbour said to me "Is it ok if I use your lawnmower?" I said "Certainly, just don't take it out of my garden".

Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A: Every morning you will rise and shine!

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Roses are red, free will is a lie.
Existence is a pain, I wanna die.

What's brown and falls out of trees?
Dead monkeys.

Why did the dick go crazy?
Someone was messing with his head.

Not sure who Pota is, but we eat a lot of his toes.

What’s an electrician’s favourite ice cream flavour? Shock a lot.

Was at the Olympics and I said to this guy..Are you a pole vaulter?
He said no...I'm German...and how did you know my name ?

Have you heard the new rap group of computer geeks? They are called Run DLL.

My wife was in tears when she called me from A&E, I said what's wrong, she said I've just seen my x-ray, I said dont talk to him, just ignore him.

I was telling my daughter I need to exercise or my ankles will get too big. She replied, "How swell..."

If I am reading their lips correctly, my neighbours are arguing about some creep next door.

My wife's just said she's leaving me because of my obsession with KitKat........

I suggested we have a break

Nothing is idiot-proof, you just need the right idiot.

An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor. The old man asks, ''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?'' The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

Son: Dad, do you have a favorite band?

Dad: Yes.

Son: Which band?

Dad: Yes.

Son: Did you even hear the question?

Dad: Sure. Do I have a favorite band.

Son: Yes.

Dad: You got it. That's a terrific band.

Son: The who's a terrific band?

Dad: No. Yes.

One must know lots to be an auctioneer...

A quick guide on "How to fall downstairs":

Step 1

Step 6

Step 8, 9, 10, 11.

—Hay que vernos
—Sí
—¿Hoy?
—No puedo
—Mañana
—Tampoco
—Sábado
—No
—Domingo
—Imposible
—Ok, pero ¿sí nos vemos?
—Sí, cuando quieras.

У деревенской путаны есть тетрадка с должниками.

Why do walruses love a Tupperware party?
They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

I really like knock knock jokes! You could say, I a-door them!

My rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free. And cake free.
OK it’s just rum.

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, There are $20 bills falling out of your bag."
"'Oh, really? Darn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.."
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?' You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes."
"Well, that seems only fair." laughs the cop. "OK? Good Luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?''
"Well, you know", says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

У шутки должно быть начало и неожиданный конец. Как у тайской бабы.

How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents.