Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Always end a conversation with "gotta run" so people think you're into fitness.

Why haven't aliens visited our Solar System yet?
They looked at the reviews... only 1 star.

What's Irish and sits outside all day?
Patty O'Furniture!

— Ну и каково жить в зоне сейсмической активности?
— Потрясающе.

Благотворительность – способ раздавать малую часть наворованного, чтоб оправдать большую.

"No se enamoren de una mujer bonita, enamórense de una mujer inteligente, ella sabrá como ponerse bonita." - Marilyn Monroe

A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.

I BROKE MY BATHROOM MIRROR TODAY, I HOPE THAT DOESN'T REFLECT ON ME.

Pat says to Mike, my wife is driving me to drink. Mike says to Pat your lucky my wife makes me walk...!!!

One year ago today, I asked my childhood sweetheart., my best friend..and the most beautiful girl I've ever met to marry me........
All 3 said no.

Why do people wear shamrocks on St Patrick’s day?

Regular rocks are too heavy.

Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover?

Because you shouldn't press your luck!

Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?
Cause it is pointless.

Why should you only make Irish soup with 239 beans?
Because one more would be too farty!

У Сергея так давно не было секса, что его стали возбуждать таблички ВХОД и выХод.

Трудно в темной комнате найти черные носки, если они не пахнут.

40% этилового спирта делают счастливыми 80% россиян.

Preparing my annual Saint Patrick's Day 7 course meal.. a baked potato and a 6 pack.

My favourite saying is better out than in which is probably why I lost my job as a prison guard.

Dull cooks just use the same seasonings, thyme and thyme again.

- У кого растут усы, как у гребанной лисы?
- Девушка, а можно мне к другому косметологу?

Однажды я решил создать подушку безопасности и с каждой зарплаты покупать 5 г серебра, одну акцию Аэрофлота, 10 долларов, 10 евро и один инвестиционный пай. Теперь у меня есть 5 г серебра, одна акция Аэрофлота, 10 долларов, 10 евро, один инвестиционный пай и долг за коммуналку.

- Вы хотите сменяемости власти?
- Да нам хотя бы вменяемости.

Made a lamb curry last night.

But apparently they prefer to eat hay.

-¡No entres ahí, imbécil! ¡No entres a esa iglesia! ¡NOOO!
-¿Qué película estás viendo, cariño?
-El vídeo de nuestra boda.

What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day?
St. O'Claus.

Today on the news.
Gym caught on fire.
I guess it burn alot of calories.

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says: "Are you on foot or in the car?"
Billy replies: "In the car."
"Well that's the quickest way," says Paddy.

Сегодня в столовке у кассирши не оказалось сдачи, и она просто отхлебнула борща.

Самцы богомолов утверждают, что онанизм значительно продлевает жизнь...

Went on a hunt for treasure with Wide John Silver, High John Silver and Short John Silver.
Didn't take Long.

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr...

I am fired from my job from the bullet manufacturing company for not hitting targets.

Scientists do not know how many sheep there are in the world because every time they try counting them, they fall asleep.

I sleep better naked.
Why can’t the flight attendant understand this?

- Фима, ты обещал любить меня вечно!
- ну Розочка ж, вечно - таки не значит непрерывно!

Just because you WANT a good man doesn't mean you deserve one...

What do you call a bird that is scared of heights?

A chicken.

What did the hotdog say to the bun? It was nice to meat you!

“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he is too old to go anywhere.”
— Billy Crystal

"I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there."
—Oscar Wilde

Had a hard talk with my financial planner yesterday. He explained that he was the broker and I was the brokee.

Q: what did the tree say after a long winter?
A: “what a reLeaf”

Steps for surviving on a dessert island:
1. Check spelling.
2. If correct, enjoy.

“The only thing that could spoil a day was people and if you could keep from making engagements, each day had no limits.”
— Hemingway

Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.

“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.”

Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere's Fan

Тренер объясняет мне как победить в забеге, но я не догоняю.

Have you ever wondered what Wonder Woman wonders about?

What is the smelliest kind of ox?

A buttocks.

If you break the laws of grammar you must pay the syntax.

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a traffic wardens funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
"Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork"

When the cannibal was late for lunch they gave him the cold shoulder.

I hate it when I gain 15 pounds for a role, only to realize I'm not even an actor.

Me to my son: Could you take down that last clock and change it ?

Him: I can try, but it'll probably still be a clock.

So this bloke said to me the other day...
“Didn't one of your sisters used to play the mouth organ?”
“Arrr” I replied “That’ll be our Monica.

Доктор:
- Хорошо, а сейчас сколько пальцев?
Больной:
- Знаете, не так я себе представлял проверку простаты.

Can you name the famous American Gold depository?
Thought not.

It's pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it's not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes.

Словно два магнита: жопа и кровать . Трудно от кровати жопу оторвать.

This guy came up behind me, pushed a large key into my back and started turning it.
I said to him "Are you trying to wind me up?

Me and a friend went up to the Ryanair check-in desk.
The girl asked: "Do you have reservations?"
I said: "Yes, but we're flying with you anyway."

A man calls his son in to help him sort out something on his computer.
The son sits down looks at it and within a minute has solved the problem.
His dad says “wow that was quick what was the problem?”
The son says “it was just an Id ten t issue.”
What’s that? Asks dad, so the son writes it down for him and leaves.
“ID10T”

Why does the Pirates of The Caribbean DVD have a piracy warning?

I always knew that one day I'd end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn't expect everyone to keep on bowling.

What do you call a reindeer that loves cheese?
Mickey Moose.

It’s not premarital sex if you never get married.

Сидя в караоке всегда можно определить, кого бросили, кто давно не трахался, а кто просто дебил...

I went to the doctor and asked him "have you got anything for wind?"
He gave me a kite.

Friend requested we get together and share some cocktails.
I replied “No, I prefer to keep my sex life private ”.

A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?”
“Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.”
The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

[loud knocking ]
"Open up. its the police"..
Me: "prove it"..
"How"?..
Me: "Sing Roxanne"...

Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.

If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead!

Misheard my financial adviser and put all my money into socks and chairs.

The word ‘swims’ is still ‘swims’ upside down.

I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, "I'm not sure, it's hard to keep track."

What’s the difference between a mosquito and a fly?
A mosquito can fly, but a fly can’t mosquito.

What's the difference between a Seal
and a Sea lion?

ion.

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?