Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My son asked me, "Dad, what are condoms used for?"

I said, "Usually to avoid answering questions like this one."

Know why Africans win most eating contests in the USA?
.
Beginner's luck.

Son: Dad, for $20 I will be good.
Dad: Oh yeah! When I was your age, I was good for nothing.

I live like I type.
Fast and with lots of miskates!

Preacher marries a chorus girl. On ther wedding night he asks "Am I the first man to sleep with you?" She replies "If you fall asleep, yes."

He drops his trousers and asks "have you seen one of these before?" She shakes her head. "This my penis".

"It looks a bit like a cock, but much smaller."

Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you're interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn't our lawn ever look that nice?"

Reminder: It’s very easy to lose an electron, so that’s something to keep an ion.

Me: "Excuse me, but could you show me where the self help books are?"

Librarian: "Yes, but that would kind of defeat the purpose"

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
A father-in-law.

Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?

It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.

What happens to deposed kings? They get throne away.

Just ordered a DVD called: “How To Never Pay Tax Again”.
Only cost £7.99 (plus VAT).

What gets bigger when more is taken away?
A hole.

You can't make someone love you.

All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I went Speed Dating last night...
"Have you got any pets?" one girl asked.
"Yeah, a goldfish."
"Any hobbies?" she said
"Yes, he loves swimming..."

If you like water, you already like 72 percent of me.

She texted me: "your adorable."
I replied: "no, YOU'RE adorable."
Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.

A noun and a verb were dating but they split up because the noun was too possessive.

Ladies, you can tell a lot about a man by how dogs react to him.
For example, if the police K9 is biting him, he may not be ideal.

Don't date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.

My ultimate goal is to become a retractable tape measure.

You don't understand the lengths I'd go to.

I sat in my hairdressers chair and said "Make me look sexy!'
She started drinking.

Why when someone sees a dog their first instinct is to ask it what its doing?

Did you ever notice that the word 'nun' is just the letter n doing a forward roll?

Doctor said: "Come over here to the window and put your tongue out please".
I said: "Why, is the light better over there?"
He said: "No, I just hate the man in the office block opposite".

If you can’t win a social media argument you can always correct they’re grammar.

Top 10 reasons to eat pussy :
👅👅👅
#10 If pussy wasn't meant to be kissed they wouldn't have lips.
#9 Keeps your lips moist, you'll save a fortune on ChapStick.
#8 The best cure for a dry mouth is a wet pussy.
#7 It's Vegan friendly if you are into that sort of thing.
#6 The taste.
#5 He who does not suck the clit does not get to hit. Coochiticus.
#4 She is more than likely return the favor( if you do it right).
#3 The taste (it's worth saying twice).
#2 The way she moans when you're sucking out her soul.
#1 It's Pussy duh! Eat up like a bigboy.

Girlfriend after sex: how did you get so good at eating pussy? Boyfriend: my mom taught me.

Если долго смотреть на девушку, то можно увидеть, как из гадкого утёнка она превращается в сварливого баклана.

У нас крысы не бегут корабля! Они у нас управляют им.

“The first thing reading teaches us is how to be alone.”

~Jonathan Francen~

I was walking late at night when I heard a russle in the bushes, I said:
Russel! Get out of the bushes!

Fire smells exactly like burnt nose hair.

My teacher asked me to use the word "bucolic" in a sentence.

I said, "You want me to use the word 'bucolic' in a sentence?"

She replied, "Yes."

I said, "I just did."

Growing tomatoes is really the best way to devote 3 months of your life only to save $2.17.

I was just Googling the history of the seatbelt.
Fastenating stuff.

Q: why did Neil Armstrong’s son get suspended from school?
A: he was being astronaughty.

There are 2 reasons I never became a plumber, Number 1.....and Number 2.

My friend said she'd got a job in a bowling alley.
I said: "Tenpin?"
She said: "No, it's permanent".

Рабинович у себя в огороде закапывает деньги.
Сосед его спрашивает:
— Моня, что ты делаешь? Ведь скоро наступит коммунизм, и денег вообще ни у кого не будет!
— А у меня будут!

My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.

But I'm on a roll now.

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really?
Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied,
"My wife."

The most gullible chemical element is easily lead.

The final four letters in the word “queue” aren’t silent...

...thry’re just waiting their turn.

My wife asked me why the bottle of wine we bought yesterday was half empty.

I said because she is a pessimist.

A Linux user, a vegan, and an atheist walked into a bar...

I know because they told everybody there.

Police have confirmed a man has been arrested in Burnley after falling into a combine harvester whilst trying to steal it.
He is due to be bailed tomorrow...

If you are swayed by the power of suede have you been persueded?

What do you call Bears with no ears

B.

A chemist froze himself at -273.15°C, everyone said he was crazy but he was 0K.

Если жизнь не клеится, значит ты не умеешь пользоваться Моментом.

- Деда, а правда, в России когда-то был интернет?
- Правда, внучек!
- Деда, а что такое интернет?
- А вот подай, внучек, бересту — я тебе нарисую!

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.

Asked the librarian rather loudly for the wifi password. He said “Sshhhhhh!” I asked “is that all lower case?”

Imagine if you google Alzheimer’s symptoms and all the links are in purple...

What invention lets you look right through a wall?
A window. 😎

My job as a vacuum cleaner salesman sucks....but it’s picking up!

What happened when the purple ship and the red ship crashed into another?
They were both marooned.

Опыт — это то, что ты получаешь, когда хотел всего-навсего получить денег.

Just bought a greyhound, my mate said: “What you going to do it with it?” I said: “Race it“. He said: “My money’s on the dog”.

What do you call an Italian who's won the lottery, and wants to keep it quiet?
Donatella Nobody 😂

There was a Roman emperor who never aged after he turned 13. His name was Constant Teen.

I ordered some fish at the fish shop. I paid and I asked the salesman behind the counter to throw it at me.
He asked, "Why?"
I said, "So I can say I caught it myself!

A banana and a tomato are racing. The tomato is losing. What does it need to do?
Ketchup.

"Man is fond of counting his troubles, but he does not count his joys. If he counted them up as he ought to, he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for it."
By Fyodor Dostoevsky

I don’t hate leg day at the gym.
It’s the two days after I can’t stand!

- Когда у Рабиновича спросили, есть ли у него твиттер, он гордо ответил, шо был... Но он его таки вылечил...

If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.

My favourite teacher at school was called Mrs Turtle - strange name but she tortoise well.

My daughter asked me what "inexplicable" means.
I said "It's hard to explain."

A friend of mine used to shave lions and sell the fur.
It was his mane income.

My first job was at a running shoe company; I tried but I just didn’t fit in, The I got a job in a gym, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

I asked my wife if she ever faked an orgasm. She said she never had time.

If you cry during a Flood... you're just making things worse.

You come from Dust. You will return to dust. That is why I do not dust. It could be someone I know !

My wife and I farted at the same time.
We're stinkronized.

I bought some underwear online, now they want me to take a brief survey.

Hey girl, were you born on a chicken farm? Because you sure know how to raise a cock.

Q: What does a 75-year-old woman have between her breasts that a 25-year-old doesn’t?
A: Her navel.

Q: What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
A: I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.