Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Don't go to a pizzeria. You'll never get a good square meal.

Are you a termite? Cause you’re about to have a mouth full of wood.

Whats 72?
69 with three people watching.

If there's one thing gets me Down it's getting Up!

I got criticized about a steak joke I made, I guess it wasn't well done.

What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip-off!

I'm at that age when I click directly on the "Forgot password" button without even trying it once.

"Did you hear about the man who ejaculated without a penis? He came out of nowhere."

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle or a can?
Because his wife died!

Since Facebook claims ownership of everything you post on their website

I think I should start uploading my bills.

I always take my problems to Tommy.

Hilfiger something out.

How do people in a long-distance relationship get laid?
They have a sex drive.

В начале XX века был популярен такой анекдот, который, как говорят, был любимым анекдотом Ивана Алексеевича Бунина.
В одном купе поезда оказались мужчина и семейная пара. Как только все уселись, жена начала беспрестанно изводить своего мужа замечаниями, упреками, колкостями и обвинениями. Муж все это терпел, а их попутчик молча наблюдал за происходящим.
Через час-другой мужчины вышли в тамбур покурить.
— Боже мой! — воскликнул нечаянный свидетель проявлений семейных отношений. — Совершенно очевидно, что ваша жена невротична и нуждается в помощи. Знаете, у меня в Таганроге есть знакомый психотерапевт; я могу вам его порекомендовать. Он берет двести рублей за сеанс.
— Благодарю вас, сударь, за любезное предложение, — вежливо ответил муж. — Мы едем в Тамбов: там ее убьют всего за сто.

Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?
In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

“Can you remember who you were,
before the world told you who
you should be.”
--Charles Bukowski

- Абсолют налейкум!
- Налейкум абсолют!

Just tried kangaroo flavoured beer...

You can really taste the hops.

Why do women always say they want a man with a stable job?
What’s so glamorous about cleaning up after horses?

My Wife says I like cookery programmes a bit too much. I've taken it with a pinch of salt, a sprig of rosemary, and a balsamic glaze.

Если ваша чашка наполовину пустая, значит, вам нужен лифчик поменьше.

Do gun manuals have a trouble-shooting section?

Is a farmer that falls off his tractor distracted?

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up.

And she couldn’t do either..

Fell asleep at the muffler shop again. Woke up exhausted.

Why aren't dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!

I missed the bus this morning....in hindsight I realize I should stop having such a sentimental attachment with public transportation...

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills.
She said, "You're an 8 on a scale of 10."
I still can't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.

I want to share some tips on how to overcome procrastination. But not today.

What Is The Number Just Before Infinity?

Where are average things built?

In the satisfactory.

— Мой батя относится к пандемии очень серьёзно.
— Почему ты так думаешь?
— От него постоянно пахнет санитайзером.

How does a crazy person get to the woods?

He takes the psychopath.

What’s postman Pat going to call himself when he retires?

Pat.

I’d like to thank my legs for supporting me, my arms for always being by my side. And my fingers...I could always count on them.

Don't talk to me like I'm stupid until you know for sure.

What do you call it when a bunch of old men clap?

Menapplause...

I’ve got a portrait of Diana Ross that I want to hang above my door but it’s proving difficult as there ain’t no mounting high enough...

When someone says, "off the beaten path," I think, why did they beat the path in the first place? It never did anything to deserve that...

My wife left a note on the kitchen table to tell me we were out of tea. I thanked her for the no-tea-fication.

When my grandkids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.

Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that crap!

Wife : Are you listening to me ?
Husband: Yes dear!
Wife : What did I just say?
Husband: Are you listening to me !

—La risa es la mejor medicina.

—Sí doctor, pero ya deje de hacerle cosquillas al paciente, ya murió.

How much does it cost to buy a singing ensemble?
You mean "a choir"?
Ok, then how much does it cost to acquire a singing ensemble?

La B es una P embarazada, por andar de puta.

I went into Gregg's and bought a sausage roll.
The lady behind the counter said " Do you want me to put it in the microwave for you?"
I said yes please...
So she followed me home...

if someone is a horrible liar, are they really good at lies or really bad at lies?

In these days of internet if you want to keep a woman happy, you'd better tweet her right.

Of course men and women can be friends without being attracted to each other. It's called "marriage."

Sad how some guys be willing to eat your ass but not willing to take your ass to eat.

If all the cars in the nation were pink,
It would be a pink carnation.

I love playing mind games with the missus.
Yesterday I bought her some flowers, and I've not even done anything wrong.

The feeling of Sunday is the same everywhere, heavy, melancholy, standing still.
Jean Rhys

Dr : you need to stop eating fatty .
Me : you mean like junk , sugary , oily food .
Dr: no fatty , you need to stop eating.

The wife and I took up woodworking. My friend said he didn't know we were carpenters. I replied "We've only just begun".

I decided to stop walking under billboards after one collapsed on top of me.

I took it as a sign from above.

My wife hated my impulse purchase of an expensive revolving chair, but then she sat on it.

Eventually she came around.

HER: i work for the Red Cross.
ME: that's a huge plus.

Do you know what they do with all the bikes after the tour de France?
They recycle them.

I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don't really understand kites or insults.

Being unhappy is nothing to laugh about.

Most ornamental figurines found in gardens are only 30 cm tall and wear red hats... it's a little gnome fact.

There was a young lady from Hyde ,
who ate some green apples and died ,
the apples fermented ,
inside the lamented
,and made cider inside her insides.

How do you embarrass a Psychic?
Throw him a surprise party!

- Железный Дровосек, а почему ты такой смелый?
- Потому что у меня железное очко.

What's a specimen?

An Italian astronaut.

Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them

My daughter came back from school with her report card. "Look Dad." she said "My grades spell ABBA." "That's great!" I said "Does your mother know?"

Hospitality: making your friends feel at home even when you wish they were.

LICK HER C SECTION SCAR & WHISPER
“I LOVE YOU MY LIL ZIPLOCK BAG”.

Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all."
~ Oscar Wilde

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.

Customer: I would like to buy a pound of potatoes.
Sales guy: We dont name it that anymore.
Customer: Hmm how do you name it now?
Sales guy: We name it kilo.
Customer: Ok, then gimme a pound of kilo.

Do train drivers ever get qualified or are they always training?

The inventor of the throat lozenge died last week!
There was no cough-in at his funeral!

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is.

Waiter: “How do you like your steak, sir”?

Sir: “Like winning an argument with my wife”.

Waiter “Rare it is!”.

Mars is my favorite planet.
Uranus is number two.

When Alexander Graham Bell invented the first telephone it didn’t work. It wasn’t until he invented the second telephone that he had any success.