Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Mars is my favorite planet.
Uranus is number two.

When Alexander Graham Bell invented the first telephone it didn’t work. It wasn’t until he invented the second telephone that he had any success.

Me when working:
10% coding,
40% googling,
50% thinking how to hack NASA using Photoshop.

- Сарочка, как ты, дорогая?
- Всё так же дорого, Изя.

Why was the biscuit crying?

His mum was a wafer too long.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on fire.

He said, "We've just put them out."

– Сёма, ты где деньги берёшь?
– Я работаю.
– Это я знаю. А деньги-то где берёшь?

I'd tell you an abdomen joke, but I have no stomach for it.

How do make a sausage roll ?
Push down a hill .

I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love, but I also have a cat to remind me that I don’t deserve it. It’s all about balance.

When I to go to bars I always order a Shingle Roof because it's on the house.

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”
― A.A. Milne

I made the symbols on my desk top larger.
Icon see clearly now!

If you want to start a music company, you’d better have a sound business plan.

К Пасхе яйца красят. К 8 марта - бреют. Не перепутайте.

What's black and white and has four wheels?
A penguin. I lied about the wheels.

My therapist just told me I have extreme difficulty in picking up social cues.
I think she is in love with me.

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe.

"There is no conversation more boring than the one where everybody agrees."

—Michel de Montaigne, Essais

Lab jokers really have a science of humor.

“We’ve got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You can’t just accept it and leave it in the cupboard or just think it’s going to get on by itself. You’ve got to keep watering it. You’ve got to really look after it and nurture it.”
― John Lennon

Someone removed the 5th month from all of my calendars.
I am so disMAYed.

Sex without condoms is magical.
.
.
A baby appears, and father disappears.

There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on shore like an idiot.

I regret to say I was fired from the herb company. They said I wasted too much thyme.

"She loves me all that she can,
And her ways to my ways resign;
But she was not made for any man,
And she never will be all mine."

—Edna St. Vincent Millay

Attractive doctors and nurses never get accurate pulse readings from their patients.

Where do Tigers Live?

In the Tiger Woods.

I said to my doctor, "I'm having serious problems with my memory."

He said, "Give me an example."

I said, "The other day I spent two hours in a multi storey car park trying to remember where I'd parked my car."

He laughed and said, "That's nothing to worry about, we've all done that."

I said, "I don't own a car."

Does anyone know the first name of Principal Skinner in The Simpsons....see more

If cats had wings, they would still just lay there.

Are ants that help other ants called assist ants?

A time traveller.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?

- I spent yesterday really studying glass containers with lids.
- Day jar view?
- No, it’s the first time I’ve ever done it

The police interviewed a sloth who was mugged by some tortoises. He said, "it all happened so quickly".

What should a man call a wink from his wife?
Wife eye connection.

Someone just asked me when the clocks go forward?
I said, All the time!

This man went to see his doctor.
Doc-So what seems to be the problem?
Guy-wha,wha,wha, well I h-h-h-have this st, st, st stuttering problem? C-c-c-can you find out wha, wha, wha, why?
After a thorough examination the doctor tells the patient that his penis is so large that it is pulling down on his vocal chords. The doctor assures the patient that he can fix the stuttering if he removes 7 inches of his penis.
The patient agrees to the surgery.
Several months later at the patients first follow up appointment.
Guy- Thanks for fixing my stuttering doctor but now my life is way worse. I am having big problems, all the women I was sleeping with before no longer have any interest in me. I need you to sew back on those 7 inches of my penis.
Doc- H-h-h hell no!

I took the bus home.
You can imagine how angry the bus driver was.

- Я жене татуировку сделал на пояснице - эмблему Динамо.
- За Динамо болеете?
- Нет, за Спартак.

No matter how many lasagna’s you stack on top of each other, ultimately it’s always just one lasagna.

Don’t use big words when a singularly unloquacious and diminutive linguistic expression will satisfactorily accomplish the contemporary necessity.

- Есть масса девушек, которые не хотят выходить замуж.
- Откуда ты знаешь?
- Я им предлагал.

Dad: Question everything.

Son: Why?

Sometimes it's hard to tell if I'm hungry or bored.

I said to my short sighted barber, "who's ear is that on the floor?" He said "put your finger in it, if it's still warm, it's yours".

How did the computer eat its supper?

In megabytes.

I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn’t help me.

BREAKING: A large sewing machine company have gone into administration, leaving thousands of jobs hanging by a thread!

Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.

What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?

Plenty of room.

“I am a fool with a heart but no brains, and you are a fool with brains but no heart; and we’re both unhappy, and we both suffer.”

—Fyodor Dostoevsky

BREAKING: The Chancellor has announced that Cadbury's have just delivered a giant chocolate bar to The Bank of England...

It's a massive Boost for the economy!

I'm pretty sure all dogs can smell drugs. It's just that most of them aren't snitches.

Have you heard the conspiracy about Russian allotments? It's all just a communist plot.

Homophobia is bullshit! Let's just let homes get married.

- Доколе страной будут управлять евреи?!
- А на что вы таки рассчитывали, когда прилетали в Израиль?

How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

With profound regret I have to announce the dissolution of the origami group. It folded last week.

Son : "Dad, what is a clitoris?"

Dad : "You should have asked me last night, son.... I had the answer on the tip of my tongue!"

If one kebab hasn't got enough filling and you take some from another kebab, is the second kebab a donor kebab?

Prince Charles went to the doctor's...

He said, "When I clear my throat, I smell of farts."

The doctor said, "D'you cough wind, sir?"

He said, "No, I'm Prince of Wales."

Daughter: “Daddy, why didn’t I get a sunburn?”
Dad: “You can’t, honey?”
Daughter: “Really?”
Dad: “You can only get a daughterburn.”

I got really mad at the lady plumber I used while we were down in the man hole.
- Sewer?
You bet I will !

My wife left me for an electrician.
He promised her the earth...

Just finished reading a book called 'The Amazing Basement'.
It's a Best Cellar.

Man goes into the doctor’s. Says “Doc, I have terrible constipation”.
Doctor says “what are you eating?” - man replies “well, snooker balls actually”.
Doctor says “tell me more”
Man explains “I start the day with a couple of red balls for breakfast, then I eat two whites and a yellow for lunch and normally for dinner I have a selection of blue, pink, brown and black balls”
Doctor says “I see what the problem is”
Man pleads “what is it Doc?”
“You’re not getting enough greens”

Just fell off the ladder while I was dusting my bookshelf, taking all my Charles Dickens novels with me.

I've fallen on hard times...

I've got a couple of sock hand puppets for sale if anybody is interested in taking them off of my hands.

There should be at least one "i" in cyclops.

BREAKING. Little Red Riding Hood has been found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her...

But she's not out of the woods yet!

Teacher: Johnny, if you had £5 and you asked your dad for another £5, how much would you have?
Johnny: £5, miss.
Teacher: You don't know your maths boy.
Johnny: You don't know my dad, miss.

"Puedes cerrar los ojos a las cosas que no quieres ver, pero no puedes cerrar tu corazón a las cosas que no quieres sentir." Johnny Depp

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.

“You're coming home now!" she screamed. "No, I'm not," I laughed.

She said, "I'm talking to the kids."

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a pigeon? Voice mail.

Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.

It's half empty.

“Tired?”
~Married people foreplay

I entered my son’s room and said, "Remember, boy, masturbating can make you go blind."

“I'm over here dad,” he replied.

I put the scales in the bathroom corner and that's where she will stay until the little liar apologies.

Why is it so dark in my garden?
I planted several bulbs this morning.