Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

You know what's weird?
The term "Full of holes."

The wife just sold our water bed... she thought we were drifting apart.....

A friend of mine bought me a watch that has stopped working,
but I haven't told him yet.
It's never the right time.

Why were the Indians here first?
They had reservations.

My next door neighbour said to me "Is it ok if I use your lawnmower?" I said "Certainly, just don't take it out of my garden".

Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A: Every morning you will rise and shine!

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Roses are red, free will is a lie.
Existence is a pain, I wanna die.

What's brown and falls out of trees?
Dead monkeys.

Why did the dick go crazy?
Someone was messing with his head.

Not sure who Pota is, but we eat a lot of his toes.

What’s an electrician’s favourite ice cream flavour? Shock a lot.

Was at the Olympics and I said to this guy..Are you a pole vaulter?
He said no...I'm German...and how did you know my name ?

Have you heard the new rap group of computer geeks? They are called Run DLL.

My wife was in tears when she called me from A&E, I said what's wrong, she said I've just seen my x-ray, I said dont talk to him, just ignore him.

I was telling my daughter I need to exercise or my ankles will get too big. She replied, "How swell..."

If I am reading their lips correctly, my neighbours are arguing about some creep next door.

My wife's just said she's leaving me because of my obsession with KitKat........

I suggested we have a break

Nothing is idiot-proof, you just need the right idiot.

An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor. The old man asks, ''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?'' The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

Son: Dad, do you have a favorite band?

Dad: Yes.

Son: Which band?

Dad: Yes.

Son: Did you even hear the question?

Dad: Sure. Do I have a favorite band.

Son: Yes.

Dad: You got it. That's a terrific band.

Son: The who's a terrific band?

Dad: No. Yes.

One must know lots to be an auctioneer...

A quick guide on "How to fall downstairs":

Step 1

Step 6

Step 8, 9, 10, 11.

—Hay que vernos
—Sí
—¿Hoy?
—No puedo
—Mañana
—Tampoco
—Sábado
—No
—Domingo
—Imposible
—Ok, pero ¿sí nos vemos?
—Sí, cuando quieras.

У деревенской путаны есть тетрадка с должниками.

Why do walruses love a Tupperware party?
They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

I really like knock knock jokes! You could say, I a-door them!

My rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free. And cake free.
OK it’s just rum.

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, There are $20 bills falling out of your bag."
"'Oh, really? Darn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.."
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?' You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes."
"Well, that seems only fair." laughs the cop. "OK? Good Luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?''
"Well, you know", says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

У шутки должно быть начало и неожиданный конец. Как у тайской бабы.

How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents.

Скандинавские палки нужны для того, чтобы отбиваться от тех, кто смеётся над тем, что ты ходишь с палками.

Considered making a lengthy trip to visit the largest city in North Dakota but it was too Fargo.

I used to sell cookware but that didn't pan out. So I sold underwear for a brief time.

“I’m not afraid of death because I don’t believe in it. It’s just getting out of one car, and into another.”
― John Lennon

Don't go to a pizzeria. You'll never get a good square meal.

Are you a termite? Cause you’re about to have a mouth full of wood.

Whats 72?
69 with three people watching.

If there's one thing gets me Down it's getting Up!

I got criticized about a steak joke I made, I guess it wasn't well done.

What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip-off!

I'm at that age when I click directly on the "Forgot password" button without even trying it once.

"Did you hear about the man who ejaculated without a penis? He came out of nowhere."

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle or a can?
Because his wife died!

Since Facebook claims ownership of everything you post on their website

I think I should start uploading my bills.

I always take my problems to Tommy.

Hilfiger something out.

How do people in a long-distance relationship get laid?
They have a sex drive.

В начале XX века был популярен такой анекдот, который, как говорят, был любимым анекдотом Ивана Алексеевича Бунина.
В одном купе поезда оказались мужчина и семейная пара. Как только все уселись, жена начала беспрестанно изводить своего мужа замечаниями, упреками, колкостями и обвинениями. Муж все это терпел, а их попутчик молча наблюдал за происходящим.
Через час-другой мужчины вышли в тамбур покурить.
— Боже мой! — воскликнул нечаянный свидетель проявлений семейных отношений. — Совершенно очевидно, что ваша жена невротична и нуждается в помощи. Знаете, у меня в Таганроге есть знакомый психотерапевт; я могу вам его порекомендовать. Он берет двести рублей за сеанс.
— Благодарю вас, сударь, за любезное предложение, — вежливо ответил муж. — Мы едем в Тамбов: там ее убьют всего за сто.

Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?
In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

“Can you remember who you were,
before the world told you who
you should be.”
--Charles Bukowski

- Абсолют налейкум!
- Налейкум абсолют!

Just tried kangaroo flavoured beer...

You can really taste the hops.

Why do women always say they want a man with a stable job?
What’s so glamorous about cleaning up after horses?

My Wife says I like cookery programmes a bit too much. I've taken it with a pinch of salt, a sprig of rosemary, and a balsamic glaze.

Если ваша чашка наполовину пустая, значит, вам нужен лифчик поменьше.

Do gun manuals have a trouble-shooting section?

Is a farmer that falls off his tractor distracted?

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up.

And she couldn’t do either..

Fell asleep at the muffler shop again. Woke up exhausted.

Why aren't dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!

I missed the bus this morning....in hindsight I realize I should stop having such a sentimental attachment with public transportation...

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills.
She said, "You're an 8 on a scale of 10."
I still can't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.

I want to share some tips on how to overcome procrastination. But not today.

What Is The Number Just Before Infinity?

Where are average things built?

In the satisfactory.

— Мой батя относится к пандемии очень серьёзно.
— Почему ты так думаешь?
— От него постоянно пахнет санитайзером.

How does a crazy person get to the woods?

He takes the psychopath.

What’s postman Pat going to call himself when he retires?

Pat.

I’d like to thank my legs for supporting me, my arms for always being by my side. And my fingers...I could always count on them.

Don't talk to me like I'm stupid until you know for sure.

What do you call it when a bunch of old men clap?

Menapplause...

I’ve got a portrait of Diana Ross that I want to hang above my door but it’s proving difficult as there ain’t no mounting high enough...

When someone says, "off the beaten path," I think, why did they beat the path in the first place? It never did anything to deserve that...

My wife left a note on the kitchen table to tell me we were out of tea. I thanked her for the no-tea-fication.

When my grandkids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.

Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that crap!

Wife : Are you listening to me ?
Husband: Yes dear!
Wife : What did I just say?
Husband: Are you listening to me !

—La risa es la mejor medicina.

—Sí doctor, pero ya deje de hacerle cosquillas al paciente, ya murió.

How much does it cost to buy a singing ensemble?
You mean "a choir"?
Ok, then how much does it cost to acquire a singing ensemble?

La B es una P embarazada, por andar de puta.

I went into Gregg's and bought a sausage roll.
The lady behind the counter said " Do you want me to put it in the microwave for you?"
I said yes please...
So she followed me home...