Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Teacher. "What's the centre of gravity?"
Me; " V."

Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That's how delusions work.

Why are gnus cleverer than dogs?

Because you can’t teach an old dog gnu tricks.

Why Do You Never See Baby Pigeons?

Monsters don't eat ghosts because they taste like sheet.

Statisticians believe they can predict football results using Poisson distribution.

"The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. You don't. You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. They own everything." ~ George Carlin

Never underestimate an underachiever, we're capable of less than you think.

Мужчина - это случайно выживший в детстве мальчик.

Inflation is a "hidden tax" that continually robs us all of our wealth.

"Propaganda is the executive arm of the invisible government."
~ Edward Bernays

Anything can be a UFO if you’re bad enough at identifying stuff.

When she says "correct me if I'm wrong".
Don't.

Our rights aren't dependent on what the ruling class thinks we "need."

Remember...if all the headlines are identical, it's not news, it's advertising.

Careful. When you say, “A penny for your thoughts” — you might get back change.

The Socialist myth is that wealth is there to be redistributed. The truth is that wealth has to be created.
M.T.

From the beginning, Rapunzel never wanted a man to climb her tower to save her.

She was just kinky and wanted someone to pull on her hair.

What's the difference between weed and a vagina?

If you can smell the weed from across the room, you know it's good.

Modern slaves are not in chains,
They are in debt.

Me, "Have you seen my TikTok?"
Wife. "It's called a watch; how old are you?"

Truth is treason in the empire of lies.

Why should you get a gamer girl gf?

She can bring joy to your stick.

The trouble with counterfeiting banknotes is you can't make any real money.

I passed a sign that read “falling rocks”. So, I gave it a try, and no it doesn’t.

My Mother In Law has been diagnosed with hay fever & diabetes.

So I've bought her flowers & chocolates to cheer her up.

There was just one employee at the bank today.

Must have been the lone officer.

Touring Rome, one finds many fine restaurants.

The rest is history.

“If you kill a cockroach you are a hero, if you kill a butterfly you are bad. Morality has aesthetic standards.”

— Nietzsche

Lobsters probably think fish are birds.

Why is 80's music forgetable?

You'd forget everything too when you're 80.

The naughty Smurf pulls down his pants in public once in a blue moon.

Her: I like bad boys.
Me: well you’re gonna hate my dog.

An average person farts 13 times a day.
Finally i am above average at something.

Where on the horse is the radish anyway?

Data science for the money, Statistics for the glory.

Humans can indeed fly but only for a few seconds.

Me: “I’m so jealous of your heart right now” her: “why?”

Me: “because it’s pounding inside of you and I’m not”.

A wise man once said, "When the rise of the machines happens...

...make sure you are nowhere near a dildo factory."

Я понял, почему в Израиле все водители так часто сигналят.

Потому что это бесплатно.

Careful when dating a musician.

You can get played.

No matter how hard your life is, don't like your own post.

Planning kills the magic.

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them…

“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.”
Ron White

“If the facts don’t fit the theory, change the facts.”
Albert Einstein

Life is a long process of getting tired.
– Samuel Butler

Live every day to the fullest. When going to the bathroom take a newspaper!

Do not take life too seriously, you will never get out of it alive.

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

YOLO - "you only live once".

“If the facts don’t fit the theory, change the facts.”
— Albert Einstein

Set some goals, then demolish them.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

Me: the victim is 6’1”; his body has already turned into a ghost.

Police officer: Sir, that’s just a sheet we covered the body with.

Get naked. I have a plan.

- Is British food really that bad ?
- If done correctly, yes.

SOCIALISM : IDEAS SO GOOD THAT THEY HAVE TO BE MANDATORY.

What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?

It can’t sit down.

Finger painting is digital art.

Based on the number of movies, the missions actually don’t seem to be that impossible.

My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.

As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I'm sure of, it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

Either you make things happen or you watch someone else make things happen.

Choose wisely.

Здоровый человек - это больной, не знающий, что он болен.

“The Life and Times of Ivan Pavlov” by Isabelle Ringing

My CV is basically a list of things I never want to do again.

Do oranges crave being juice or are they pressed into it?

Faber est suae quisque fortunae.

Every man is the artisan of his own fortune.

Qui totum vult totum perdit.

He who wants everything loses everything.

Aut viam inveniam aut faciam.

I will either find a way or make one.

Destitutus ventis, remos adhibe.

If the winds fail you, use the oars.

Malum consilium quod mutari non potest.

Bad is the plan that cannot change.

Forsan et haec olim meminisse iuvabit.

Perhaps even these things will be good to remember one day.

Finis coronat opus.

The end crowns the work.

Timendi causa est nescire.

Ignorance is the cause of fear.

Astra inclinant, sed non obligant.

The stars incline us, they do not bind us.

Solamen miseris socios habuisse doloris.

Misery loves company.

Aquila non capit muscas.

An eagle does not catch flies.