Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I'm so single if I win a trip for 2, I'm going twice.

When my friend Joyce learned she could clone herself, she rejoiced.

What if I told you all presidents are only frontmen to distract you from the people who really run the country?

Doctors say 3 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. Do the other 2 enjoy it?

Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.

Welcome to your 50’s…
tying your shoes is your cardio for the day.

"I can't go outside because I have to study for a calculus exam."
“Calculus on such a nice day? What are you, some kind of mathochist?"

Бывает, молчишь, а тебя уже не так поняли.

Женщины как деньги, чтоб о них не думать, нужно их иметь.

Parents first say sex is bad and later ask for grandchildren.

Фима сильно обиделся, когда Циля подписала диск с их свадебным видео: "Моя первая свадьба".

Where do Russian Hackers store their exploits?

/ussr/bin/

На торжественном приеме:
- Господин Цукерман с супругой, госпожой Цукервуман!

- Рабинович, я слышал, что вы таки пренебрегаете своими супружескими обязанностями!
- Во-первых, меня укачивает. А во-вторых, после меня всё равно надо перетрахивать.

Dancing is like standing still, only faster.

Hkl

- Рабинович! Вы старый и мудрый еврей, объясните - шо такое дилемма?
- Ну... таки я думаю, шо это бесплатное сало!

- Лена, а кто тебе ближе? Дон Жуан или Дон Кихот?
- Дон Периньон.

- А что посоветуете посмотреть в Вашем городке?
- Телевизор.

Если ты такой умный и талантливый, то почему твой начальник еще не купил Феррари?

Fake laughing with customers is actually a skill and we should be allowed to add it on our resume.

My wife made a list of the ten reasons she wants a divorce.

1. I don’t seem to care
2. I’m not a good listener
3. etc

- Ребе, а можно в борщ класть сметану?
- Конечно можно.
- Ребе, но ведь евреям нельзя есть мясное с молочным вместе.
- А ты что, есть его собрался?

"Knowledge makes a man unfit to be a slave."
~ Frederick Douglass

My girlfriend is like terms and conditions

Because I ignore everything she says and then agree with her.

DNA is the acronym for National Dyslexic Association.

I asked my Welsh friend, how many sexual partners he had had.
He started counting then fell asleep.

A job I was interviewing at I was asked, “are you a registered sex offender?”

I told them offendedly and sternly, “no I’m not registered!”

In a Libertarian society...

You choose your weaponry.

You choose your medical care.

You choose your education program.

You even choose your preferred form of money.

And there isn't squat the government can do about it.

Doesn't the "B" in LGBT imply there are only 2 genders?

Совесть человека – как хомяк: или спит, или грызёт.

El problema de ser selectivo es que ya llevo soltero 4 años.

John has taken up model railroads as a hobby.

His wife hopes he doesn’t go off the rails with it.

I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.

The more I understand people, the more I don't understand people.

Don't yell "shotgun" when boarding the plane.

Победа над собой - не причина для радости. Победить слабого и любой дурак сможет.

Last night I was offered a threesome by two hot twins

Sex with Jessica felt great, but Jeremy was a pain in the ass.

What do you call a chicken with a lollipop?
A cocksucker.

Фима просит у Господа немного денег. Господь ему отвечает:
- Не могу. У тебя на роду написано жить нищим.
- Ой, я тебя умоляю! Ты дай мне денег, а я буду жить как нищий.

What do you call it when members of the band Scorpions upgrade their OS version?
Windows change.

A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.

Two guys constantly doing math together:

Algebros.

i'm not actually childish...i just know how fucked up adults are and just refuse to be that way...

You can lead a horse to water but you can't grant him the serenity to accept the things he cannot change.

The best Safe Word you can use is
"Meatloaf." It means
"I would do anything for love but I won't do that."

The Grim Reaper went to the eye doctor.

He’s having issues with his death perception.

There’s one state a politician wins regularly — the state of Denial.

The people who think government cares about them are the same ones who believe the stripper loves them.

My scuba diving business has gone under.

Don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat, don't sell drugs. The government hates competition!

My Ex called me a sex machine.

Well. her exact words were "fucking tool" but I knew what she meant.

Миллионы моих фанатов часто спрашивают меня: «С чего, блядь, ты решила, что мы твои фанаты?!»

Why do gender equality administrators tend to be female?

It’s cheaper.

It's important to get out of the house every once in a while to remind yourself why you don't go out.

Stop following the crowd...
They are lost.

General Lee didn't have children?
Yoda: A parent Lee not.

What do I want to be when I get older?

Younger.

Just saw my next door neighbor with big boobs, laying topless by the pool.

Just wish his wife would do the same.

The main ingredient in hand sanitizer is paranoia.

В поликлинике пол часа не пускали бабульку без очереди, пока не оказалось, что это врач.

Do you ever wonder if aliens are just avoiding us because they saw our TikTok videos?

If life is a highway, then why am I stuck in traffic?

I said to my wife:
"You're obsessed with plants."
She said:
"Where does that stem from, petal?"

Rage Against the Machine never specified what machine made them angry, but I bet it was a printer.

While I might not be any good at my job I comfort myself with the fact that everybody else is even worse.

A feisty dentist and hot-tempered manicurist got hitched.

Will they fight tooth and nail?

"The easiest way to keep a secret is to pretend there isn't one."
- Margaret Atwood

"The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge."
- Stephen Hawking

"The individual is handicapped by coming face-to-face with a conspiracy so monstrous he cannot believe it exists."
- J. Edgar Hoover

"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you."
- Joseph Heller, Catch-22

"Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful."
~~ Sir Isaac Newton

Sual: Niyə insanlar qulaqlarını təmizləyirlər?
Cavab: Çünki, belə edəndə beyninə çox daha çox hava daxil olur.

Adamın biri kənddən şəhərə gəlir, bazarın ortasında durur və dərhal bağırır: "Mən də qazan alacam!" Bazarlıq edən biri soruşur: "Niyə qazan alırsan?" Adam cavab verir: "Hər kəs qazan alır, mən də alacağam ki, yoxsa mənim qazanım kənddən buraya gələcəkmi?

Adamın biri oğluna sormuş: 'Oğlum, senin derslerin nasıl gidiyor?' Oğlu cevap vermiş: 'Baba, benim derslerim yok ki, sadece öğretmenlerin dersi var.'

English lesson.

Tsunami T is silent
Psychology P is silent.
Knife K is silent
Honest H is silent
Wife Husband is silent

Сами по себе идиотские ситуации не возникают. Необходим хотя бы один идиот.

Does GitHub uses GitHub to build GitHub?
And most importantly, can GitHub rollback GitHub to fix GitHub when GitHub is down?

I've started a business selling sausages online.

If you're interested, I can send a link.

- Почему генерал не должен бегать?
- Потому что в мирное время бегущий генерал вызывает смех, а в военное время - панику.