Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My first job was at a running shoe company; I tried but I just didn’t fit in, The I got a job in a gym, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

I asked my wife if she ever faked an orgasm. She said she never had time.

If you cry during a Flood... you're just making things worse.

You come from Dust. You will return to dust. That is why I do not dust. It could be someone I know !

My wife and I farted at the same time.
We're stinkronized.

I bought some underwear online, now they want me to take a brief survey.

Hey girl, were you born on a chicken farm? Because you sure know how to raise a cock.

Q: What does a 75-year-old woman have between her breasts that a 25-year-old doesn’t?
A: Her navel.

Q: What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
A: I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well sister, this looks pretty grim." "I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree." "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" "I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe. "Oh father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life." "Is that true father?" "Yes it is, sister." "Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and lets get the hell out of here."

You know what's weird?
The term "Full of holes."

The wife just sold our water bed... she thought we were drifting apart.....

A friend of mine bought me a watch that has stopped working,
but I haven't told him yet.
It's never the right time.

Why were the Indians here first?
They had reservations.

My next door neighbour said to me "Is it ok if I use your lawnmower?" I said "Certainly, just don't take it out of my garden".

Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A: Every morning you will rise and shine!

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Roses are red, free will is a lie.
Existence is a pain, I wanna die.

What's brown and falls out of trees?
Dead monkeys.

Why did the dick go crazy?
Someone was messing with his head.

Not sure who Pota is, but we eat a lot of his toes.

What’s an electrician’s favourite ice cream flavour? Shock a lot.

Was at the Olympics and I said to this guy..Are you a pole vaulter?
He said no...I'm German...and how did you know my name ?

Have you heard the new rap group of computer geeks? They are called Run DLL.

My wife was in tears when she called me from A&E, I said what's wrong, she said I've just seen my x-ray, I said dont talk to him, just ignore him.

I was telling my daughter I need to exercise or my ankles will get too big. She replied, "How swell..."

If I am reading their lips correctly, my neighbours are arguing about some creep next door.

My wife's just said she's leaving me because of my obsession with KitKat........

I suggested we have a break

Nothing is idiot-proof, you just need the right idiot.

An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor. The old man asks, ''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?'' The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

Son: Dad, do you have a favorite band?

Dad: Yes.

Son: Which band?

Dad: Yes.

Son: Did you even hear the question?

Dad: Sure. Do I have a favorite band.

Son: Yes.

Dad: You got it. That's a terrific band.

Son: The who's a terrific band?

Dad: No. Yes.

One must know lots to be an auctioneer...

A quick guide on "How to fall downstairs":

Step 1

Step 6

Step 8, 9, 10, 11.

—Hay que vernos
—Sí
—¿Hoy?
—No puedo
—Mañana
—Tampoco
—Sábado
—No
—Domingo
—Imposible
—Ok, pero ¿sí nos vemos?
—Sí, cuando quieras.

У деревенской путаны есть тетрадка с должниками.

Why do walruses love a Tupperware party?
They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

I really like knock knock jokes! You could say, I a-door them!

My rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free. And cake free.
OK it’s just rum.

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, There are $20 bills falling out of your bag."
"'Oh, really? Darn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.."
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?' You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes."
"Well, that seems only fair." laughs the cop. "OK? Good Luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?''
"Well, you know", says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

У шутки должно быть начало и неожиданный конец. Как у тайской бабы.

How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents.

Скандинавские палки нужны для того, чтобы отбиваться от тех, кто смеётся над тем, что ты ходишь с палками.

Considered making a lengthy trip to visit the largest city in North Dakota but it was too Fargo.

I used to sell cookware but that didn't pan out. So I sold underwear for a brief time.

“I’m not afraid of death because I don’t believe in it. It’s just getting out of one car, and into another.”
― John Lennon

Don't go to a pizzeria. You'll never get a good square meal.

Are you a termite? Cause you’re about to have a mouth full of wood.

Whats 72?
69 with three people watching.

If there's one thing gets me Down it's getting Up!

I got criticized about a steak joke I made, I guess it wasn't well done.

What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip-off!

I'm at that age when I click directly on the "Forgot password" button without even trying it once.

"Did you hear about the man who ejaculated without a penis? He came out of nowhere."

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle or a can?
Because his wife died!

Since Facebook claims ownership of everything you post on their website

I think I should start uploading my bills.

I always take my problems to Tommy.

Hilfiger something out.

How do people in a long-distance relationship get laid?
They have a sex drive.

В начале XX века был популярен такой анекдот, который, как говорят, был любимым анекдотом Ивана Алексеевича Бунина.
В одном купе поезда оказались мужчина и семейная пара. Как только все уселись, жена начала беспрестанно изводить своего мужа замечаниями, упреками, колкостями и обвинениями. Муж все это терпел, а их попутчик молча наблюдал за происходящим.
Через час-другой мужчины вышли в тамбур покурить.
— Боже мой! — воскликнул нечаянный свидетель проявлений семейных отношений. — Совершенно очевидно, что ваша жена невротична и нуждается в помощи. Знаете, у меня в Таганроге есть знакомый психотерапевт; я могу вам его порекомендовать. Он берет двести рублей за сеанс.
— Благодарю вас, сударь, за любезное предложение, — вежливо ответил муж. — Мы едем в Тамбов: там ее убьют всего за сто.

Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?
In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

“Can you remember who you were,
before the world told you who
you should be.”
--Charles Bukowski

- Абсолют налейкум!
- Налейкум абсолют!

Just tried kangaroo flavoured beer...

You can really taste the hops.

Why do women always say they want a man with a stable job?
What’s so glamorous about cleaning up after horses?

My Wife says I like cookery programmes a bit too much. I've taken it with a pinch of salt, a sprig of rosemary, and a balsamic glaze.

Если ваша чашка наполовину пустая, значит, вам нужен лифчик поменьше.

Do gun manuals have a trouble-shooting section?

Is a farmer that falls off his tractor distracted?

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up.

And she couldn’t do either..

Fell asleep at the muffler shop again. Woke up exhausted.

Why aren't dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!

I missed the bus this morning....in hindsight I realize I should stop having such a sentimental attachment with public transportation...

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills.
She said, "You're an 8 on a scale of 10."
I still can't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.

I want to share some tips on how to overcome procrastination. But not today.

What Is The Number Just Before Infinity?

Where are average things built?

In the satisfactory.

— Мой батя относится к пандемии очень серьёзно.
— Почему ты так думаешь?
— От него постоянно пахнет санитайзером.

How does a crazy person get to the woods?

He takes the psychopath.

What’s postman Pat going to call himself when he retires?

Pat.

I’d like to thank my legs for supporting me, my arms for always being by my side. And my fingers...I could always count on them.

Don't talk to me like I'm stupid until you know for sure.