Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

A friend asked “As a little guy, was your mum super strict with you?”...

I said, “My mum was never a little guy”.

It's awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don't know the man and he doesn't know you're eating his popcorn.

I got an vinyl album of wasp sounds the other day. Played it, didn’t sound anything like wasps!

Then I realised I was playing the bee side.

How did Captain Hook die?
Wiped his bum with the wrong hand!

I'm writing a book about hurricanes and tornadoes....
It's only a draft at the moment.

I met Neil Armstrong once and he was surprisingly down to earth.

Yesterday i hit the gym, then drove off because i don't have car insurance.

her: I hate to lose

me: really? that’s my favourite French city

The best advice my mother ever gave me, “if your fart stinks, you need to poop”

Половина людей в мире доводит дело до конца, половина не...

My husband said that my belief in horoscopes nearly Taurus apart.

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!

Son: Dad, how do I catch electric eels?

Dad: Easy - you just throw a click bait into the water.

Son: Got it. What's next?

Dad: What happens next will shock you!

- Здравствуйте! Это министерство добра и взаимопонимания?
- Пошёл на хер, у нас обед.

When I heard my sofa had been stolen, I thought "I'm not going to take this sitting down".

I asked my son how old spiderman was,he said,look on his web site...

3 bits of advice for you.
1. Don't listen to strangers.
2. Don't take advice from strangers.
3. Why are you still reading this?

What did the Michelin man do when he got too old to work?
He retired!

When I was a child my neighbours used to say that I was wild and didn't have the manners of a pig but my grandad stood up for me. He told them that I did!

All those who claim to be an expert in what they do need to understand that an ex is someone that is past and gone and a spert is a drip under pressure.

I've just started an online engraving course...
There's so much to learn though and so far we've hardly scratched the surface.

- First computer project that failed?
- Tower of Babel. Excellent hardware, but devs used too many languages.

This guy stopped me the other day and asked for directions to the army barracks. I said, "left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right".

Q: What do you call it when a Chickpea is murdered?
A: Hummuside.

Why don't worms have balls? Because they can't dance!!

The hospital you were born in is the only building you left without entering.

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, obviously,because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

When at home, polo ponies are more likely to play stable tennis.

- "My mum is from London, but my dad is from Helsinki."
- "Half Finnish?"
- "Sure. My mum is from London, mutta isäni on kotoisin Helsingistä."

An onion is the bass player of food. You would probably not enjoy it solo, but you’d miss it if it wasn’t there.

How do you make cheese even better??

You use a cheese GRATER.

"Aprende a vivir y sabrás morir bien."

—Confucio

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend...

but he kept asking her for another shot.

What's the definition of a will?
it's a dead give away.

"The truth is rarely pure and never simple.“

Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest

King Tutankhamen. Over 2000 years old and still a mummy's boy.

If you bump your head on a coffeemaker, does it leave a brews?

"Are those lentils expired?"
"Nah, they're pretty relentiless"

Why is there no "i" in eye?.....
Y is there, no "i" in eye...

Welcome to the amnesia information website.
Please enter your 32 digit password.

The furniture store keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand

Wife: If I could do it all over again, I'd have 2 kids max.
Me: But what would you name the other 3?
Wife: GET OUT!

- Когда сильно тяжело, нужно сжать зубы в кулак!
- От таких слов волосы стынут в жилах.

—Hola, vengo a sacar mi licencia de conducir

—¡Pero esto es un hospital!

—Lo sé, es que lo tengo en el culo... Es una larga historia.

I visited China once and while I was there I bought myself a new pair of shoes. On the sole was a sticker which said....Made around corner.

Знаете ли вы, что российский авианосец, которого нет, и российский гиперзвуковой истребитель, которого нет, стоят вместе столько же, сколько усадьба российского министра обороны Шойгу, которая есть?

That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction.

I told my boss he should pay me what I'm worth.
He said he couldn't due to the minimum wage laws.

Up at 5am, 8km run completed, got home, prepared a vegetable smoothie for breakfast...
Don't remember the rest of the dream...

"La vida no se trata de esperar a que la tormenta pase, se trata de aprender a bailar bajo ella."

Estoy en una etapa de mi vida en la que si me dices que 2+2=6 está bien, eres un pendejo pero prefiero mi paz mental.

Why is there an L in Noel?

The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

“The years are flying past and we all waste so much time wondering if we dare to do this or that. The thing is to leap, to try, to take a chance.”
Leonard Cohen

"No duermas para descansar, duerme para soñar. Porque los sueños están para cumplirse." - Walt Disney

I tried investing in the Spa business but it kept getting me into hot water!

What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.

I asked how much the creature that looked like an ill octopus cost and what it was. The chap said "Sick squid"

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.

I joined a dating site for arsonists. I got a match straight away.

“Once you choose hope,
anything is possible.”
~ Christopher Reeve

What do Siberia and golf have in common?
Taiga Woods.

Why do bears have fur coats? Because they’d look silly in suede jackets.

— Estuve internado en una clínica donde te quitan las ganas de fumar.
— ¿Pero si estás fumando?
— Sí, pero sin ganas.

My wife is kicking me out because she's fed up with my South American animal puns...
'OK,' I said, 'Alpaca my bags.'

Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”
Because every play has a cast.

What do you call a cow in a tornado? A milkshake.

To make 1 watermelon you need 2 hydromelon and 1 oxymelon...

Me: Wow that onion was strong!
Son: How did it get so strong?
Me: Exercise.
Son: I don't think onions exercise.
Me: That's why they're usually not as strong as this one was.

I wish Oxford and Cambridge would settle their differences.
I do hate to see them rowing.

I just found out that hotels skip the 13th floor and go straight to 14.
I don't know about you, but to me, it sounds like they’re taking superstition to another level.

What is the difference between a supermarket bag and Michael Jackson?
One is white, plastic, and dangerous for children to play with, and the other holds your groceries.

What's the difference between a jailer and a jeweler?
One sells watches and the other watches cells.

What’s the difference between a bad joke and a dad joke?
The first letter.

After my vacuum cleaner broke I realized it was the only thing in my life that doesn’t suck.

What are at the end of Bank Movies?
Credits.

If your children are looking for a career, have them consider farming. There’s good money in that field.

I jog. He jogs. She jogs. They jog. We jog.
This is a running joke.

I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.

It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.