Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

How do you tie 2 Hondas together?
With Accord.

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.

When one door closes, another one opens.... That's when you realize that you've bought a really bad second hand car.

I've sold my Crystal Ball.
I couldn't see any Future in it.
And I'm not a Medium any more, I'm a Large..

My wife: “Wow that took longer than usual!”

ME: “I know! I couldn’t get him to settle down..”

My wife: “Well, maybe it was all that Metallica you were playing upstairs?”

ME: “Hey! It was YOUR idea for me to rock
him to sleep!!

Ты себя недооцениваешь. Ты можешь еще хуже!

My granddaughter Eva: “Make a noise like a frog , Granddad.”
Me: Why on Earth should I do that?”
Eva: “ Daddy says when you croak we are all going to Disneyland.”

My brother asked me a few days ago. Do you know how to put these table and chairs together?
I said I had no IKEA.

He told me he's studying forensics
Big Deal.
I learnt it in grade IV . Its ten.

FUN FACT!
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk...
It's one of the few animals that can make its own custard!

Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.

Bill: l went Potholing last week.
Bob: In the Yorkshire Dales or the Peak District?
Bill: No, in my car

- Я не справлюсь...
- Больше уверенности!
- Я уверен, что не справлюсь!

Hating everything saves countless hours of decision making.

Paul McCartney has been asked to improve the Syrian President's skimpy underwear.
Take Assad's thong and make it better.

A local bank is introducing a cash machine built in to a tree. If it’s successful, they might expand to other branches.

"There's no sinner like a young saint."
~ Aphra Behn

“You either like me or you don’t. It took me twenty-something years to learn how to love myself, I don’t have that kinda time to convince somebody else.”
— Daniel Franzese

‘The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom.’
- Isaac Asimov

Hyphenated
Non-hyphenated.

Fun Fact
Honey is bee vomit.

Little girl: "Grandma you’ve had four husbands in your long life , what did they all work as?"
Grandma: "The first was a banker , the second a circus acrobat, the third was a tailor and your grandad is an undertaker".
Little girl: "Wow different jobs!"
Grandma: "Yes it’s one for the money, two for the show , three to get ready and four to go".

A frog jumped on my lap.
It said,kiss me and I’ll turn into a beautiful woman!
I started to put it in my pocket, it said to me. What are you doing?
I responded, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog!

Why did the bowling pins refuse to get up after being knocked down?
Because they were on strike.

My life has never gone according to plan. So I just stopped planning.

I saw my doctor to complain about my tendency to fall on the floor while eating. He said I had oily stools.

Don’t take yourself too seriously. No one else does.

Did you hear about the competition between animators?

It ended in a draw.

When a cougar gets so old she needs a hearing aid, she becomes a Def Leppard...

Tired all the time?
Don't worry!
There's an nap for that!!

I met this beautiful woman in France. We hit it off really good. We started dating and Eiffel for her.

My bag for life died this morning. Should I be worried?

Наконец-то выяснилось, кто пишет на дверях Пенсионного фонда "Цой жив".
Это делает пенсионер Иван Иванович Цой, которому вот уже третий месяц не выплачивают пенсию.

Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.

I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards....

Собеседование:
HR: Как у вас обстоят дела с Excel?
Я: Я его ненавижу.
HR: Понятно, то есть пользователь с опытом.

Penguin walks into an airport, security stops him and says:
"Penguins can't fly."

Even though I can't sing or dance I've been asked to join a Take That tribute act as Gary. Yeah, they've really set the bar low.

- My friend has gone into the sandwich business selling Cheese & Ham.
- On a roll?
- Absolutely, business is booming!

Albert Einstein, a busy man famed for his theory of relativity but I am still not sure where he got all his energy from.

Knock, knock
----Who's There?
----Luke
----Luke who?
----Luke through the peep hole and find out.

I heard Mr. Rodgers & MC Hammer wrote several Broadway shows together. They went by Roger's & Hammertime.

How to lose weight: Turn your head to the left, and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise whenever offered food!

WHO BUILT THE 1st PLANE NOT TO FLY?
THE WRONG BROTHERS.

Однажды один богач попросил Шаляпина спеть на вечеринке.
- Тысяча рублей, - сказал Шаляпин.
Это была очень, очень, очень большая сумма.
- Хорошо, - сказал богач, желая ущучить певца за жадность. - Я согласен. Но только одно условие. Вы споете и тут же уйдете, не останетесь с нами на ужин.
- Что ж вы сразу не сказали? - отвечал Шаляпин. - Если не оставаться с вами на ужин, тогда я и за пятьсот спою!

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Most poems rhyme
But this one doesn't

Nothing in French starts with an R and ends in an N.

Correct me if I’m rong.

How do you make Budweiser?
Send him to school!

Why is Chopin's "Minute Waltz" two minutes and six seconds long?

The worst possible time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

I grilled a chicken for two hours yesterday, and the thing still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road!!

Два профессора-математика:
- Коллега, мне кажется, эта криволинейная поверхность в пределе стремится к плоскости - И не говорите, коллега! Сисек почти нет...

I took a robot out for a meal, but he didn’t enjoy it.
He liked the starters, but he was turned off by the mains.

BREAKING NEWS: The cold weather is to to last until it gets warmer!!

The wife just phoned me from work and said
" Three of the girls in the office have just had flowers delivered, they're absolutely gorgeous.
I said " That's probably why they got the flowers then love!"

If a spider catches more moths than they need, can they sell them on the web?

Two mates were going to share a bottle of beer.
The first bloke put it to is mouth and, in one go, drank the lot.
"What are you doing?" screamed the other bloke- you've drunk my share as well!"
"Sorry" said his mate: "It's not my fault - my half was at the bottom!"

Why did the banana go to the Dr?
It wasn’t peeling very well.

I’ve got my first part in a local amateur dramatics production. I’m playing the part of “A husband”. I’m hoping to get a speaking part next time.

I really like ceilings... I guess you could call me a ceiling fan.

Just traded 100 raisins for 50 plums I cannot believe today's currant exchange rate!

A penguin walks into a bar,
Goes to the counter and says to the barman,
Have you seen my brother?
The barman says,
I don't know,
What does he look like ?

What did the policeman say to his belly button?
Your under a vest.

Friend of mine had a girlfriend called Arial for a while, but they split up. She just wasn’t his type.

If Mary is the mother of Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God.
Does that mean that Mary had a little lamb?

What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.

“Books are mirrors: you only see in them what you already have inside you.”
― Carlos Ruiz Zafón, The Shadow of the Wind

Ever heard the Valentine's Day story about the couple that met at a dairy farm?...
It's kinda cheesy.

I gave blood today. I know it's not the best gift to give my wife for Valentine's Day.
But it came from the heart.

Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence.
~Erich Fromm

“Take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic”

— Frida Kahlo

'Doubt thou the stars are fire; Doubt that the sun doth move; Doubt truth to be a liar; But never doubt I love.'

― William Shakespeare, Hamlet

Tide Pods: we have the dumbest consumers ever.
Gorilla Glue: hold my beer.

Китайцы придумали противозачаточные таблетки для пассивных геев. И, надо сказать, ещё не было ни одного случая, чтобы они не сработали!

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," replied the man. "OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer. "But it's only $500," replied the man. "Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"

For years now, I've been getting a Valentine's card from the same secret admirer.
So, I'm pretty sad I've not got one this year...
First my granny dies, now this?

“Unlimited power in the hands of limited people always leads to cruelty.”
― Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, The Gulag Archipelago

Dave got fired from his job for asking the customers “smoking” or “non smoking.” Apparently the correct terms are “burial” or “cremation.”

Why are they called "Buildings"?
Shouldn't they be called "Builts"?