Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Got up this morning and ran around the block 5 times. Then I got tired, so I picked up the block and put it back in the toy box.

Can dogs detect broken bones in your body?
No, but cat scan.

" If there be such a thing as truth, it must infallibly be struck out by the collision of mind with mind. "
~ William Godwin

Pros and Cons of making food.
Pros: food.
Cons: making.

"That's crazy" is the perfect response when you haven't been listening.

I asked my gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. “How flexible are you?”, he asked. I said I can’t make Tuesdays.

Alcohol is never the answer.
Unless the question is: "What is C2H5OH?"

How do dragons blow out their birthday candles?

Does Dove deodorant work on pigeons?

Бабка перебегала дорогу не на тот свет, а попала на тот.

- Абрамович, что вы думаете о Навальном?
- Ничего, моя яхта с краю!

I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup. It was Won Ton.

– ¿Te pusieron brackets?
–No pendejo, es una cerca eléctrica para evitar el robo de mis dientes.

"You use a glass mirror to see your face: you use works of art to see your soul."
~ G.B. Shaw

I used to be a people-person... but people ruined that for me.

Cant understand why skiing is so popular. Its been going downhill for years.

I got my grandma a new walking frame made by NASA and she's starting to get the hang of it...
It's one small step for nan...

Я ехал одиноко
В прекрасное далёко,
А сам пришёл на лыжах
В хуёвое поближе.

Where do network engineers go to use the toilet?
At their IP address.

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what is believed to the world's largest bed sheet. More on this story as it unfolds.

If you're confident enough, every zoo is a petting zoo.

Her: You’re handsome.
Him: Thank you!
Her: What I meant was you have some hands.

I need a pet pig so I can name him Chris P. Bacon .

What do you call an octopus with no head?
.
.
.
T E N T A C L E S

I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig,they dig.
It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.

Two cannibals are enjoying dinner. One compliments the other:
"I say Bill, your wife really makes a great meal.".

I painted flowers on my car cuz' I want to put the petal to the metal.

KNOCK KNOCK!
Who's there?
Hoo.
Hoo, hoo?
What are you some kind of owl?

Two years from now, spam will be solved. BILL GATES, 2004

Чем тоньше вкус, тем меньше выбор и в винном магазине, и на сайте знакомств...

Yesterday my friends asked me to go running with them to start getting fit, so I've made a list of the things I will need:
1. New friends.

I went into the shop and asked the guy for some rope. He said
"How long do you want it"?
I said”I'd like to keep it"

I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet..
So far I've got 12 fridges...

A Genie granted me one wish, so I said "I just want to be happy."
Now I'm living in a cottage with six dwarves & working in a mine.

Making mistakes is better than faking perfection...

- Нам бы стоило повесить все долги мира на одного парня, а затем убить его.
- Думаю, ты сейчас изобрел христианство.

Social media is a lot like Ancient Egypt. A lot of Cat worshiping goes on!

Ever since my brother got a job as a stilt walker he's become really condescending...
Always talking down to me.

I hate people who use the same word twice in a sentence!...
Enough is enough!

To the person who invented 1 ply toilet paper... I'd like to shake your hand.

—Oye, dice tu novio que eres bien puta.
—¿Cuál de los 3?

Shania Twain has been boasting online about her new Subaru.
That don't Impreza me much...

I asked Freddie Mercury where I could find the Phrase "Continuous physical force exerted on an object" in the dictionary.
He said, under Pressure!

I wasn't planning on going for a run tonight.
But them cops came out of nowhere...

Когда Сергей Бондарчук снимал в Ленинграде на Дворцовой площади «Красные колокола»,
к нему подошла старушка:
— Чего это у вас тут? Что за шум? Бондарчук отвечает:
— Штурм Зимнего, бабушка.
— Почему Зимнего? — удивилась старушка. — Они же теперь в Смольном!..

Went to see that new play, "Broken Leg" last night. The cast was amazing.

My friend told me he wants to be a secret agent.

Based on that alone, I don't think he'd be a good secret agent.

Valentine is for cute people, we Ugly ones should wait for Halloween.

What has 10 letters and starts with Gas.

....Automobile

I'm lying in bed, having a cuppa and listening to the Carpenters...

who are taking way too long installing the new kitchen....

I hate how funerals are always at 9am.

I'm not really a mourning person.

Собака, хозяин которой любит подольше поспать, сделала себе вторые ключи.

Ley de vida: quien no quiso cuando pudo, no podrá cuando quiera.

"In order to succeed it is not necessary to be much cleverer than other people. All you have to do is be one day ahead of them."

~ Leó Szilárd

How come know-it-alls don't know how annoying they are?

"Waiter! What's this fly doing in my soup?!"

"It looks like the backstroke, sir."

well Larry Flynt died.. he had some interesting porn magazines.

KNOCK KNOCK!
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
Doris Locked, that's why I'm knocking.

I asked the garbage man, how’s business? He said it stinks, but it’s picking up.

My ex asked me how my life was.
Nothing but my passwords have changed.

Is it pronounced either or either ?

Параноик -это тот, кто немного разбирается в том, что происходит вокруг,
а псих - это тот, кто во всем разобрался .

Он так радовался, что у него появилась любовница, что не сдержался и рассказал жене.

Computer science is just inorganic psychology.

In my car I was stopped by the police he said let me have your name.
I said .
What do I do then .

There are good ships and wood ships the ships that sail the sea. But the best ships are friendships and may they always be.

I got my wife a fridge for her birthday.
Her face lit up when she opened it.

Isn’t it strange that Selfridges don’t even sell fridges?

The key thing that stopped me being a water polo champion was that my horse couldn’t swim.

I haven't done sky diving yet, but I have zoomed into Google Maps really quickly a few times.

If an alcoholic is someone addicted to alcohol, is a catholic someone addicted to cats?

It was plane to see that the late Professor of Geometry was unparalleled in her field.

Таня заняла деньги у любовника и купила гараж. Оформила на брата и сдает в аренду мужу. Крутится женщина как может.

I’m investing in vegetable, beef and chicken stock with the hope of becoming a bouilonaire.

Dave Smith Britain's smallest man, died in a freak accident last week. He fell into a bowl of muesli and got pulled under by a strong currant.

Why does Edward Woodward have so many 'D' s" in his name?
If he didn't he'd be Ewar Woowar!

Pound Land have just announced a successful take over of all the 99p stores.
The staff of the 99p company have all been told by Pound Land that there will be no change in their store.

Q: What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
A: Re-morse code.

A man takes his dog to the vet.
The vet asks "what seems to be the problem?"
"My dog is cross-eyed" the man replies.
The vet grabs the dog by the ears, lifts him up face to face, stares at him for a minute before declaring, "Well I'm gonna have to put him down."
Horrified, the man asks "Why?! Just because he's cross-eyed?"
The vet looks at him confused, "No...because he's heavy"

I gave my girlfriend a mink for Christmas. She hasn't cleaned its cage once! .. How bloody ungrateful!