Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

"I was born in England"

"Really? What part?"

"All of me....."

My electric bill’s so big this month, I call it an electric William.

- И всё-таки наша жизнь улучшилась: в СССР металлолом и макулатуру вынуждены были собирать пионеры, а теперь этим занимаются только бомжи.
- Так это они и есть. Выросли!

“To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness.”
~ Robert Morley

French police have refused entry to a Mrs Gemma Pell until she gives them her name.

Good news: I finally got my computer connected to the wireless printer.
Bad news: Not sure which house I need to go to get my documents.

You know you're drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on.

What do we want?
New hearing aids!
When do we want them?
New hearing aids!

На собеседовании.
- Можете назвать своё главное достоинство и главный недостаток?
- Член 23 сантиметра и склонность к преувеличениям.

- Здравствуйте, Рабинович! Куда спешите?
- Да вот, хочу свечку поставить.
- Так Ханука прошла!
- А геморрой нет..

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

Introverts are like a slow website. They might be coolest website but usually people don’t wait that long for them to open.

What do you call a fish with two knees?
Two knee fish....

Why doesn't Cookie Monster have good privacy?
He always accepts the cookies.

Dr. John Watson: "Sherlock, what is your favorite plant?"

Sherlock Holmes: "A Lemon Tree, my dear Watson!"

Love is just your DNA trying to make a new body so it can live without you.

Why are flies called flies, if fish aren't called swims?

I don't mind Genetically Modified foods...
I've just had a lovely leg of salmon....

This morning I was shaving my private part and I was using my phone camera as a mirror. Everything was going very well not until I started getting likes on Facebook.

“The woman sells her body because the man has sold his soul. You can apprehend one, but the other, the true culprit, escapes altogether because he is anonymous and legion."
~ Abdul Hadi (Ivan Agueli, the teacher of René Guénon)

There's a great documentary about purfume on tonight.........
It's on Chanel No5

Had a mixup at Lidl today...
When the cashier said “strip down facing me,” apparently she was referring to my credit card.

A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards.
That's right. The steaks were pretty high.

Can we all just agree to start spelling it "Wensday"?

I wasn't sure what to wear to my Premature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting...
...so I just came in my pants.

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I've been told.
Twice now.

My wife and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.

What did the HTML coding dog say?

Href Href!

My wife said to me, "I know you've been cheating with that girl from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch."
I said, "How can you say such a thing?"

Two things which everyone hates :
1. change
2. the way things are.

Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

I can't stand driving, I find the roof is too low.

" If Poetry comes not as naturally as the leaves to a tree, it had better not come at all."
• John Keats

I USED TO BE A MAKE-UP ARTIST IN THE MOVIES SON.
REALLY DAD?
NO, NOT REALLY, I JUST MADE IT UP.

A lot of teenagers turn into good drivers. So if you're a good driver, beware of teen drivers when they're making a turn.

I was in bed last with the wife talking about rice. It wasn't serious, just pilau talk.

I was stopped by a policeman earlier.
He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," I replied
He said, "There is no traffic."
I answered, "That's how far behind I am."

Two elephants were walking past a watering hole when one suddenly runs forward and kicks a turtle off the rock it was sat on.
"What on earth did you do that for?", his friend said.
"45 years ago, I was having a drink here and he bit me really hard on the trunk."
"How do you know it was him?"
"I recognised him!"
"Blimey, you have a good memory."
"Yes," he said, "turtle recall....."

Однажды один чел простудился в ломбарде. Теперь у него ноздря заложена.

This bloke at the races came over and whispered: "Do you want the winner of the next race?".
I said: "No thanks, I've only got a small garden".

It's so sad that the people who decide bread-size have never met the people who make toasters!

The only thing Flat Earthers fear....is Sphere itself.

How do you make antifreeze?
Steal her blanket!

I can't do a lot of math but I can do sum of it.

What is full of holes but still holds water?
A sponge.

I am called James Bond at work.
0 skills.
0 work ethic.
7 coffeebreaks.

Why was the lawyer home early? Briefcase.

В день Святого Валентина в магазине:
– Вам помочь?
– Да, я выбираю подарок для близкого и хорошего человека.
– Может, ноутбук?
– Нет, ноутбук у меня уже есть.

My wife as been binge watching "Medium" on Hulu. I had to ask, "Is that show the prequel to 'Large', or the sequel to 'Small'?"

I saw a bunch of chickens playing in the pool. One had his eyes closed. They were playing Marco Pollo.

The opposite of formaldehyde is....
Casualdejekyll.

I'm azure as I can be that the sea is blue!

Ghosts like to ride in elevators because it lifts their spirits.

I just finished a book on Stockholm syndrome. It was awful at first, but by the end, I kind of loved it.

Doctor: and when's the last time you drank alcohol?

Me: what day is it?

Doctor: Thursday

Me: today

"Observa sus defectos y conocerás sus virtudes."
—Confucio

A bald friend painted rabbits on his head. They look like hares from a distance.

Called the vets this morning...
Me: "Hello, I need to make an appointment for my pet Ostrich."
Vet: "Ok what's the problem?"
Me: "He's holding his head to one side."
Vet: "Hmm, maybe neck's weak?"
Me: "Haven't you got anything sooner?"

“No need to hurry. No need to sparkle. No need to be anybody but oneself.”
― Virginia Woolf, A Room of One’s Own

When someone walks away from me shaking their head, I totally agree.

" Fiction is like a spider's web, attached ever so lightly perhaps, but still attached to life at all four corners."
~ Virginia Woolf

Sonríe, es lo segundo mejor que puedes hacer con tus labios.

"Man cannot do without beauty, and this is what our era pretends to want to disregard."
~ Albert Camus

I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.

I read somewhere smelling Rosemary increases memory by 70% !!
Don't know why she slapped me .

What cat should you never play cards with? A Cheetah!

My doctor said my sodium level was pretty high so I went home and put it on a lower shelf.

It's too bad parallel lines never meet because they have so much in common.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

If people living in New York are called New yorkers...Are people living in Hamburg called hamburgers?

What's black and white and says "Oooo"?
A cow with no lips.

I knew an optometrist who fell into his glass making machine and made a spectacle of himself .

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes.
Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years but they’re having a really hard time…
…putting their case together.

My Dentist: You need a crown.
Me: Finally, someone who understands me.

I was in a pub when a young man sat down on the stool next to me and started crying.
"What's the matter?", I asked.
"21 today", he replied.
"In that case have a drink with me on this special day" I said hoping to cheer him up.
I bought him a pint and he downed it in one go.
"22 today" , he said....

2 Aussies were out hunting in the outback and came upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approached it and were amazed at its size.
The first said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second said, "There's an old gear box over there. Let's throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
So, they picked up the gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three and heaved it in.
As they were standing there, looking over the edge of the hole, a goat come crashing through the underbrush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first.
While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement, they peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.
Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "G'day, you blokes didn't happen to see my goat?"
The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about 100 MPH and jumped head first into this hole!"
The old farmer said, "Nah, that's impossible! I had him chained to a gear box!!..

I went to the doctor and said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’
He gave me a kite...

4 blokes walk into a London pub and order 4 pints of beer.
The Landlord is serving and says "That'll be 40 pence please".
30 minutes later they order another 4 pints of beer. Again, the round comes to 40 pence. They look at each other in disbelief. One chap pipes up and asks the landlord "Excuse me Sir, we've now bought 2 rounds of drinks and haven't even spent a pound yet. How do you sell it so cheap?"
"Well", the landlord said, "A few years ago I came into a lot of money by winning the lottery. I always promised myself that I would like to buy my own pub and pass on my good fortune to others, hence why beer is 10 pence a pint ".
"Oh,wow!" said one of the men. "But tell me, there's a group of men over there sat at the table who haven't bought anything since we've been here, what's up with them? "
"Oh them" said the landlord, "They're down from Scotland for the day and are waiting for Happy Hour half-price drinks ".

Of course I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell it to who can’t.

Your laundry is never 100% done unless you wash your clothes naked.