Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

“Take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic”

— Frida Kahlo

'Doubt thou the stars are fire; Doubt that the sun doth move; Doubt truth to be a liar; But never doubt I love.'

― William Shakespeare, Hamlet

Tide Pods: we have the dumbest consumers ever.
Gorilla Glue: hold my beer.

Китайцы придумали противозачаточные таблетки для пассивных геев. И, надо сказать, ещё не было ни одного случая, чтобы они не сработали!

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," replied the man. "OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer. "But it's only $500," replied the man. "Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"

For years now, I've been getting a Valentine's card from the same secret admirer.
So, I'm pretty sad I've not got one this year...
First my granny dies, now this?

“Unlimited power in the hands of limited people always leads to cruelty.”
― Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, The Gulag Archipelago

Dave got fired from his job for asking the customers “smoking” or “non smoking.” Apparently the correct terms are “burial” or “cremation.”

Why are they called "Buildings"?
Shouldn't they be called "Builts"?

“Whatever you are, be a good one.” —Abraham Lincoln

Suspect there will never be an edible version of Scrabble, but if there is, I’ll eat my words.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.......

An archaeologist recently married one of his co-workers.
It was love at first site.

“Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning.”
– Paulo Coelho

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane.

What does a pizza guy use to cut his hair?
Little Caesars!

"La tolerancia es un crimen cuando lo que se tolera es la maldad".
Thomas Mann

I don't think I'm as nostalgic as I used to be.

I went to the boomerang store the other day.
They have a great return policy.

-What type of TV do squirrels watch?
- Nut-flix.

My brother called me from his prison quarters. He has a cell phone.

I'm reading a romantic book in braille, its a touching story.

An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.

Я же одну просил купить.
Одной не было.

Everything you say should be true,
But not everything true should be said.
-Voltaire

Q: What's the advantage of being a test tube baby?
A: You get a womb with a view.

My wife thinks we should allow our pets to share our bed. I finally gave in.
After 10 minutes, our goldfish finally settled down.

What is the richest fish in the sea?????
The goldfish.

Why did the salad always go to a nude beach?
Because it didn't like dressing.

A goalie's goal in life is to have no goals.

Love is two people who decide to know more about each other.
More than they know about themselves.

In the binary world, a scale of 1 to 10 doesn't give you many options.

I threw a ball for my dog... It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.

The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.

Some people say putting helium in animals is wrong. I say whatever floats your goat.

Guy walks into a bar waving a pistol in the air shouting I have a colt 45 extended barrel with 7 rounds and 1 in the chamber now who has been sleeping with my wife? A voice from the back shouts you need more ammo mate.

Why don't they award medals in the luge?
Even if you're in first place, you're still a luger.

Just bought a book on Feng Shui..........
I can't decide where to put it.

I’m positive I lost an electron... better keep an ion that.

Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

Told a stranger on a bus that I liked rhetorical questions.
He said, "Who cares?"
I said, "that's a classic!"

Why was the broom late?
It over swept.

The first rule of Condescending Club is complex and I don't think you'd understand even if I explained it to you.

An actor I knew fell through the floor recently....this was a stage he was going through.

What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell-check.

Sometimes I make chemistry jokes just to see the reactions.

People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.

"Sometimes love is a misunderstanding between two fools."

My mate asked me: "Why do you keep an empty milk bottle in the fridge?"

I replied: "It's in case someone wants a black coffee.

I am trying to start a business, recycling chewing gum, but I am having trouble getting it off the ground.

Smiling doesn't necessarily mean you're happy. Sometimes it just means you're strong!

So the waiter asked: "For starters sir?"
I said: "Two AA batteries please".
"And what about the mains?" ☺️

Some days I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.

Bill to Jim, "what the heck Jim, I just heard your dog meowing, how come? "
"Ah yes, that's ok, he's just learning a second language." 🐕

"We are like books. Most people only see our cover, the minority read only the introduction, many people believe the critics. Few will know our content."
-- Emile Zola

Since I set up my business selling religious figurine fireworks, my prophets have been rocketing.

I'm planning on starting a jewellery business, if you want to help give me a ring.

Бaбушкa спрaшивaет у внукa:
- Вовочкa, a кто это тебя нaучил мaтом ругaться?
- ... мaмa!
- А мaму кто?
- Ее мaмa!
- ...ну это онa конечно пиздит!

Q: Why did the Irishman only eat 239 beans? A: Because one more would be too farty.

Why was the archeologist so depressed ?
Because his whole life was in ruins.

Did you know the bible says men should make the coffee every morning?
There’s a whole book about it called Hebrews.

Загадка:
Без окон,без дверей,
плывёт по морю еврей...
-----------------------------------
Ответ: АЙСБЕРГ

What do you call an industrial region that makes hot, spicy sauces?
Chilli con valley!

Acepta lo que no puedes cambiar, y cambia lo que no puedas aceptar.

The first rule of Passive/Aggressive Club is...you know what - never mind. It's fine...

I’ve just come back from a once in a lifetime holiday.
Never again.

I'm going to an Abba themed poker night at the local casino. The winner takes it all.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the music.

Why did the baker have brown fingers??
Because he kneaded a poo.

I know my grammar is terrible.
Grandpa was even worse.

Got up this morning and ran around the block 5 times. Then I got tired, so I picked up the block and put it back in the toy box.

Can dogs detect broken bones in your body?
No, but cat scan.

" If there be such a thing as truth, it must infallibly be struck out by the collision of mind with mind. "
~ William Godwin

Pros and Cons of making food.
Pros: food.
Cons: making.

"That's crazy" is the perfect response when you haven't been listening.

I asked my gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. “How flexible are you?”, he asked. I said I can’t make Tuesdays.

Alcohol is never the answer.
Unless the question is: "What is C2H5OH?"

How do dragons blow out their birthday candles?

Does Dove deodorant work on pigeons?

Бабка перебегала дорогу не на тот свет, а попала на тот.