Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I'm lying in bed, having a cuppa and listening to the Carpenters...

who are taking way too long installing the new kitchen....

I hate how funerals are always at 9am.

I'm not really a mourning person.

Собака, хозяин которой любит подольше поспать, сделала себе вторые ключи.

Ley de vida: quien no quiso cuando pudo, no podrá cuando quiera.

"In order to succeed it is not necessary to be much cleverer than other people. All you have to do is be one day ahead of them."

~ Leó Szilárd

How come know-it-alls don't know how annoying they are?

"Waiter! What's this fly doing in my soup?!"

"It looks like the backstroke, sir."

well Larry Flynt died.. he had some interesting porn magazines.

KNOCK KNOCK!
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
Doris Locked, that's why I'm knocking.

I asked the garbage man, how’s business? He said it stinks, but it’s picking up.

My ex asked me how my life was.
Nothing but my passwords have changed.

Is it pronounced either or either ?

Параноик -это тот, кто немного разбирается в том, что происходит вокруг,
а псих - это тот, кто во всем разобрался .

Он так радовался, что у него появилась любовница, что не сдержался и рассказал жене.

Computer science is just inorganic psychology.

In my car I was stopped by the police he said let me have your name.
I said .
What do I do then .

There are good ships and wood ships the ships that sail the sea. But the best ships are friendships and may they always be.

I got my wife a fridge for her birthday.
Her face lit up when she opened it.

Isn’t it strange that Selfridges don’t even sell fridges?

The key thing that stopped me being a water polo champion was that my horse couldn’t swim.

I haven't done sky diving yet, but I have zoomed into Google Maps really quickly a few times.

If an alcoholic is someone addicted to alcohol, is a catholic someone addicted to cats?

It was plane to see that the late Professor of Geometry was unparalleled in her field.

Таня заняла деньги у любовника и купила гараж. Оформила на брата и сдает в аренду мужу. Крутится женщина как может.

I’m investing in vegetable, beef and chicken stock with the hope of becoming a bouilonaire.

Dave Smith Britain's smallest man, died in a freak accident last week. He fell into a bowl of muesli and got pulled under by a strong currant.

Why does Edward Woodward have so many 'D' s" in his name?
If he didn't he'd be Ewar Woowar!

Pound Land have just announced a successful take over of all the 99p stores.
The staff of the 99p company have all been told by Pound Land that there will be no change in their store.

Q: What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
A: Re-morse code.

A man takes his dog to the vet.
The vet asks "what seems to be the problem?"
"My dog is cross-eyed" the man replies.
The vet grabs the dog by the ears, lifts him up face to face, stares at him for a minute before declaring, "Well I'm gonna have to put him down."
Horrified, the man asks "Why?! Just because he's cross-eyed?"
The vet looks at him confused, "No...because he's heavy"

I gave my girlfriend a mink for Christmas. She hasn't cleaned its cage once! .. How bloody ungrateful!

"The less you say, the more weight your words will carry."
— Leigh Bardugo, Siege and Storm

A horse walks into a bar...
The bartender says, "Hey"
The horse says, "Sure".

If you stop giving a clown attention, they will stop performing!!

Why is it so hard to milk a bull?
It’s utterly impossible.

My wife's just left me because I ate too much chocolate over Christmas.
I think this calls for a Celebration.....

Why do we fire at will ?
What's he done that we keep firing at him ?

What do you call a man with a plank on his head? Edward
What do you call a man with 2 planks on his head? Edward Wood
What do you call a man with 3 planks on his head? Edward Woodward
What do you call a man with 4 planks on his head? Dunno
But I betcha Edward Woodward would.

My first flat was so close to Heathrow airport, that every time I went to the kitchen to make a sandwich, a stewardess told me to get back to my seat!

- Вы любите лук?
- До слез!

Popped into the local garage, and the mechanic was drinking a cup of tea. Think he was on a brake.

I've just had a bloke knock on my door asking me to sign the organ donor register.
I thought, now there's a man after my own heart!

The Tin Man has passed away, the police are notifying his next of can. May he Rust In Peace.

Today I learned that if you’re in a canoe, and it flips over in the water, you can safely wear it on your head... because it’s capsized.

A friend had bred a messenger pigeon with a woodpecker. Not only does it deliver a message, it knocks the door when it gets there.

Never accept tea offered by the Russian President.
You don't know what Vladimir Putin.

What did the judge say to the dentist?

I want the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.

Roasting marshmallows is great because it combines dessert and playing with fire.

My fella said if I do one more pun, he’s changing my name to RePunzel!

My grief councillor died, but she was so good, i dont care!

How do you turn a duck into a pop star?
Stick it in the microwave till it's Bill Withers.

My wife told me that she's sick of my obsession with detective mysteries and that we should split up.
"Good idea," I told her. "We'll cover more ground that way."

Eventually my flower puns rose to the occasion.

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

Scientists say the amount of bad coronavirus jokes is reaching worrying numbers.......
They claim its a pundemic.

The zookeeper told me I wasn't allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a bar code.

Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

Clapping literally makes no sense. Who decided the greatest way to show approval is to hit yourself repeatedly?

— Дед, а как ты с бабушкой познакомился?
— По интернету.
— Тогда же ещё не было интернета.
— Подожди, с какой конкретно бабушкой?

My brother walked into a men's wear store in a rough section of Glasgow and almost - got himself kilt!

Got a job working for a Lumber Company. After they cut the trees down for the main logs, I have to go in and gather up all the smaller pieces of the tree that broke off when it fell... I'm the Branch Manager!

Петька спрашивает у Чапаева:
-Василий Иванович,Вы две бутылки водки можете выпить?
-Могу.
-А, к примеру, четыре бутылки?
-Могу, Петька могу.
-А вот ведро- сможете?
-А вот ведро, Петька только Ленин может выпить.

Music trivia fact: Guess Who sang American Woman.

The average member of Def Leppard has 1.8 arms.

A relief map shows where the restrooms are.

I went to the counter at McDonalds to tell them there was something wrong with my Big Mac.

Cashier: What seems to be the issue?

I hold up the sandwich and the buns move like lips and sing: ‘Listen to the wind bloooow’

Cashier: Sorry, sir. We accidentally made you a Fleetwood Mac.

Did you hear about the poor old woman that was living in a tyre?

It burst, and now she's living in a flat.

I need to think of some more snow puns.
All my others are far too flakey...

- Они настолько богаты, что у их водителя есть личная домработница, а у их домработницы есть личный водитель.

- Как так получилось что такая красивая девушка свободна?
- Перед «что» должна стоять запятая!

I wear a stethoscope, so that in a medical emergency, I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

I took a wrong turn today and ended up on Elm Street.
What a nightmare!

-Papá, deja de tirarme pedazos de pan!
-Cállate, paloma!

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop asked, "Analogue?" I said, "No, just a watch."

My mate Dave went on a blind date last night.
At the end of the night his date said “I’ve had a lovely evening Dave and I’d like to see you again. Let’s exchange numbers”
“I’d love to see you again” said Dave “But won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?”

“All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”
• J.R.R. Tolkein
The Fellowship of the Ring

The wife just threw six cricket balls at me...
“What’s up ?” I asked.
“It’s over" she replied.

I asked a friend what his favourite 80s song was. He said "You can call me Al". I said "OK, what was your favourite 80s song, Al?".

Does a medical practitioner specialising in the health care of hippopotamuses take a hippo cratic oath?

If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I'd totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.