Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

- Фима, номер карты моей знаешь?
- Да.
- Вот туда и проси прощения.

What you PUT UP with is what you'll END UP with!!!!

I can't stand sitting.

— Не подскажете, как правильно декорировать тарталетки чёрной икрой?
— Да будьте вы прокляты!

Никогда не следует злиться - от этого дрожат руки и сбивается прицел.

—¿Y a qué te dedicas?
—Soy rapero.
—¿Eres cantante de rap?
—No, rapo gente.

Why does Hamlet take so long in the bathroom? Because he can't decide to pee, or not to pee.

Message from dating site. Your dating ad has been on our website for 9 years now without any reply. Do you want us to try 1 week without a picture?

Q: What do you call a man in a raincoat?
A: Mac
Q: What do you call two men in raincoats?
A: Max
Q: What do you call two men in raincoats in a cemetery?
A: Max Bygraves

Маргарита Петровна очень удивилась, обнаружив у себя на лобке седой волос. Да что там удивилась... Остальные в лифте просто ох@@ли!

The beaver lived in a treeless region and he couldn't -
do a dam thing about it!

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I'd probably come in fourth so I wouldn't need to walk up to the podium.

Why did the elephant paint his toe nails red?
.... so he could hide in a cherry tree!

I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention.
We were better than the Cure.

Yesterday I went rock climbing and the guy above me kept farting.
It was by far the worst ass scent I’ve ever had to deal with.

Friend of mine asked me to explain how I won the lottery. I tried, but I only scratched the surface.

What gender pronouns does a chocolate bar use?
Her/she.

People don't think the grass be wet in the morning, but it dew.

Some people are wise, Some are otherwise.

My wife gets super upset when I refer to her as my ex girlfriend.

I wonder why experts stopped being perts!?

Why did Cyclops close his school? He only had one pupil.

I told everyone I could play the violin, but I was just stringing them along.

What begins with "O" and ends with "nions" and sometimes makes people cry?
Opinions

Restaurant hostess: Do you have reservations?
Dad: No, I'm confident I want to eat here.

Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.

I don't go swimming because it's never been 30 minutes after the last time I ate.

I beat a black belt at karate.
My next challenger is a green sock.

I have no respect 4 people who use numbers instead of words.

Friend of mine got drunk and went to an auction. He doesn't remember a lot.

A friend’s dog swallowed a cushion. The vet has described its condition as comfortable.

These days, everyone seems to think that our smartphones are spying on us .

I've got news for you..

Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years..

Если вы проснулись в воскресенье утром и решили назвать сына Евлампий, то просто похмелитесь и выключите передачу "Играй,гармонь!"

Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains.

Great news for most of you.

Why do alcohol and vinegar have use by dates when they are used to preserve things?

I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

I said to the doctor "I think these last tablets you gave me are the wrong ones."
The doctor peered over his glasses and asked "why do you think that?"
"Because I keep veering to the left and then veering to the right!" ....
"Oh" he says ... "their just side effects!

If you ever buy a Jedi action figure, always get two so you can return one of them.

There's a stark difference between Batman and Iron Man.

"She was beautiful, but not like those girls in the magazines. She was beautiful, for the way she thought. She was beautiful, for the sparkle in her eyes when she talked about something she loved. She was beautiful, for her ability to make other people smile, even if she was sad. No, she wasn't beautiful for something as temporary as her looks. She was beautiful, deep down to her soul. She is beautiful."
By F. Scott Fitzgerald

Computer: ‘Create password’

‘Lager’

Computer: ‘Password must be stronger’

‘Export Lager’

50 Cent should release a fragrance and call it 50 Scent.

I always wonder how MISSiles manage to hit their target.

I know people my age climb mountains without falling off,
But my daily challenge is to climb into my underpants without falling over...

"In the very end civilizations perish because they listen to their politicians and not to thier poets." ~ Jonas Mekas

BREAKING NEWS!
An earthquake has hit near a biscuit factory in the North of England last night.
It measured 2.8 on the Rich Tea scale...

What did the Michelin man do when he got too old to work?
He retired!

If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.

Don’t be fake to impress the wrong people. Be you so the right people will love you!!!!!

“Ignorance is the parent of fear.”

– Herman Melville.

What do you call a man with a light on his head?
Sean de lear.
And his wife is Chrystal Sean de lear. 😄

Did you know there are no canaries on the Canary Islands? Same as with the Virgin Islands…
No canaries there either.

What if rocks are soft until we touch them?

People who try to test my patience don't realize it's an exam I don't plan on passing.

'The only unbearable thing is that nothing is unbearable' (Rimbaud)

Opening a new shadow puppet theatre.
Business plan says we’ll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.

—Фортепьянствуете?
— Нет, пока просто пианируем...

А у вас не складывается ощущения, что те, кто слышит в аромате вина «нотки засахаренного ананаса, лимонной меренги и лепестков роз», просто п*здят?

There's a song by the Beatles.
I can't remember the name of it, but I remember the tune, like it was yesterday.

My stereo started smelling fishy. It took me a minute to realize I’d accidentally turned up the bass.

What do you call a man who repairs TVs?
The screensaver.

I’m looking for a book on how to fix automatic gearboxes, but the library only has manuals.

She was a terrible carpenter. She wasted too much time painting her nails.

I painted half my face like a clown and went for a drive.......
Not sure if everyone saw the funny side.

People who like trance music are very persistent.

They don't techno for an answer.

“It is a thousand pities never to say what one feels.”
— Virginia Woolf

I've often wondered:
Who the heck is Pete?
And why do we do things for his sake?

My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.

I told my son a dad joke about monopoly, he just rolled his dice at me.

I'm off to a camp to help me concentrate. Sounds like a lovely concentration camp.

I’m not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. On my birthday and when it’s not my birthday.

One of my biggest fears is that my car secretly records me singing.

Boys never cheat, they just practice with other girls to be a better boyfriend

My new home is made entirely of styrofoam.

It's a light house.

I opened a new Facebook group for pyromaniacs.
Everyone gets on like a house on fire.

An octopus held up the local bank. Apparently he was well armed.

Technically, nobody has ever been inside an empty room.

I accidentally used the dog shampoo this morning. I'm feeling like a good boy today!

I used to be an amateur crastinator, but then I decided to go pro.

Why is your "old man" your dad, but your "old lady" is your wife?