Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What’s the difference between snow and a girl?

Snow is harder to plow when it’s wet.

Bir gün kişi kəndə telefon qutusuna yaxınlaşır və qulaq asır. Başqa bir kənd sakini onu görüb maraqlanır və soruşur:
- Nə eşidirsən?
Kişi gülümsəyərək cavab verir:
- Əslində heç nə eşitmədim, sadəcə bu yerdə, "ənənənə" səsi olmadan əyləşmək istəyirəm!

Bir adam lokantaya girer ve garsona 'Bana bir köfte söyle!'der.
Garson da 'Size tek mi çift mi?' diye sorar.
Adam düşünür ve 'İkisi de karnımı doyurmadığına göre bana üç köfte getir.' cevabını verir.

Adamın biri sinemada yer arıyormuş. Sonunda tam ortada bir yer bulmuş ve oturmuş. Tam film başlayacakken yanındaki adam: -Burada oturunca ne hissediyorsun? diye sormuş. Adam cevap vermiş: -Sinema hissi.

Neden tavuklar bir ayak üstünde diğeriyle gezinirler? Çünkü öbür bacağıyla yürürse şapka kayar!

"Bir matematik kitabı geçmişe ağlıyormuş. Nedeni neymiş biliyor musunuz? Çünkü x 6 yapan tek şey beyinleri değil, sınav kağıtlarıymış."

"Vergi vermeyi düşünüyordum, ama rahatladım çünkü başkası ödemiş zaten."

"Bir matematikçi karısı boynuna dolanmış kabloları düzeltiyormuş. Karısı sormuş: "Neyi düzeltiyorsun?" Matematikçi cevap vermiş: "Nedeni açık, benim bir telim yanlış bağlanmış ve bu bir fiyaskoyla sonuçlanabilirdi."

"Adam nezaketle kapısını komşusuna açtı. Fakat yanlışlıkla kendisi de içeri girdi."

"Eyni ifadəni 10 dəfə ifadə edənlər hansılardır?
Cavab: "Sınaq qrupu sınavdan çıxıb."

Susmamış kişi dostuna deyir: 'Mən iki dənə aspirin aldım, amma qayğılana bilmirəm ki, çox mu az.'
Dostu cavab verir: 'Sən necə alırsan? Bir əllərindən qazanla, digər əllərindən təbiət ilə mi?'

Ovladın biri atasına deyir: 'Ata, mən evlənəcəm'.
Ata cavab verir: 'Allaha şükür. Heç o da daşır gözünü bizim toyda.' Ovlad yavaşça cavab verir: 'Ata, o toy bizim deyil, onların toyudur.'

Bir adamın arvadı ona deyir: "Sənə, işlərində əl verim. Mən sənə kəmək edə bilərəm."

Adam cavab verir: "Yaxşısı, səni də alim, yuxarıda bir çatı üstündə quru çamaşırları toplamaq lazımdır."

Oğlan atasına deyir: "Baba, men sənə bir kömək lazımdır".
Ata cavab verir: "Övladım, mən səni görə- görə böyütmüşəm, amma indi artıq özünün də çalışmağa ehtiyacın var".
Oğlan əlavə edir: "Başa düşdüm, baba. Mən heç səni elə böyütməyəcəm."

Bir məktub gəlir. Üzərində yazılıb: 'Banka borunuzu ödəmədən öncə ağıl edin.' Adam məktubu oxuyanda fikirləşir: 'He, dəymiş mənim də borcum varmış banka, dünən də heç öz ağılımdan istifadə etməmişəm ki, həmin borcu verəyim.'

Science finds the way.
Engineering builds the road.

Сын спрашивает у матери:
- Мне исполнилось 18 лет, можно мне уже лифчик носить?
- Да, Вовочка! Не забудь надеть его, когда пойдёшь в военкомат!

My therapist said she wants to treat me with ygolohcysp.

But I told her reverse psychology doesn’t work on me.

In Hell, you're surrounded by people saying "libarry" and "nucular."

What did the English ‘c’ say to the French ‘ç’ ?

“Monsieur, your zipper’s down.”

Если женщина молчит – слушай внимательно!

I entered a fancy dress competition as a giraffe and came second.
I didn't win but at least I could hold my head high.

At a confessional the repentant said, " I steal paint and thin it so it barely covers the wood."
The Priest replied:
"You are forgiven. Go and thin no more."

What part of your body, do you inherit from your father's brother?

Your ankle.

Politics is simply theater for the slave class.

Playing Scrabble earlier I managed to put down "anal" on a triple word score .
It's still not many points, but it's more about the satisfaction of having anal on the dining room table.

If being handsome is a crime...

I would be a law-abiding citizen.

My wife didn't believe I could paint her portrait like Picasso. Well, she's laughing on the other side of her face now.

Her "Are you a lover or a fighter?"
Me "Um, is there a third option?"

I threw a party and everyone came

It's been two years and the walls are still sticky.

If you wear granny panties, it's actually illegal for you to give fashion advice.

My friend’s old cat has stopped catching rats. Is it fur-giveness on the part of the feline or a compro-mice?

Linux isn't magic, it's sudo science.

Dentist: Ok, let's get you numb.

Me: Life has already done that.

I try to be a good person but then I get to work with people testing my patience and I gotta try again tomorrow.

In Mexico they pronounce Olivia Newton-John Newton-Jaun. In Greece they call her Sandy.

So apparently "I'm not feeling very worky" isn't a good enough excuse to take the day off.

During the day I don't believe in ghosts. At night I'm more open minded.

В Израиле ортодоксальные евреи начали использовать искусственный интеллект для обхода технических ограничений во время Шаббата. Через месяц искусственный интеллект обнаружил, что он еврей по материнской линии и перестал работать.

What do you call a sex toy that isn't used for penetration?

A dildon't

My friend has opened a gin bar, which only plays music by The Cult.
She sells tanqueray.

Why are dogs cowards? 🐕
Cause they Flea the scene.

Learning to ask the right questions is better than trying to learn all the answers.

Men aren't any more sexist than women. We're just naturally better at it.

The plan for a paperless office looked good.....
..on paper.

-Как переводятся английские артикли "a" и "the" ?
-"Типа" и "Конкретно".

Doing the crossword.
"What's a 4 letter word for a female relative ending in _unt?"
Wife. "Aunt?"
Me " Pass the Tippex."

She only calls you daddy because you disappoint her like her real father.

What do computers like to snack on?
.
.
Micro chips.

Sometimes I'm scared to sleep because I know when I wake up it's gonna be time to go to work.

На вопрос «Что надо делать, чтобы не потеть на работе?» армянское радио ответило:
- Не накрываться одеялом.

I do an amazing impression of a normal person. You really can't tell the difference.

They don't want to ban guns. They want a monopoly on them.

Police: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Perp: No. Sorry. It's a shame you've forgotten so soon. Maybe your department has remedial memory training or something.

Кирпичи- это просто одомашненные камни.

I don't know why my work thinks that 'short staffed' means we're just going to work harder...

Management need to realize that I can either attend meetings, or I can get my work done. I can't do both.

“Sorry Miss Costello — I ate my homework.”

“Why’d you do that, Lloyd?”

“The dog refused to.”

Been there, done that... then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.

Number one work rule: Never date one of your coworkers.

What happens if you throw white sneakers into the Black Sea?

They get wet.

My favorite part of my job is assuming I'm fired every time one of my passwords doesn't work.

Everything you learned late, teach your children early.

I Like My Password Like I Like My Potatoes.
Hashed And Salted.

John’s “History of Poltergeists” is flying off the shelves.

A light switch is also a dark switch.

Cinderella must have had some weird feet if her shoe wouldn't fit anyone else in town.

Sex therapists claim that the most effective way to arouse a man, is to lick his ears for 10 minutes.

Personally, I think it's nuts.

How do you turn a pussy into an asshole?

Give him a badge.

Pornographers will always find a way to fill any niche.

Why are you rolling your eyes — trying to find your brain?

My doctor told me I’ll be paralyzed after getting into an accident with a newspaper delivery truck. I was crushed by the news.

I thought I was on The Voice this morning

I farted on the bus and four people turned around.

If jobs can ask for 3 references, then applicants should get to ask to speak to 3 happy employees.

- Ты совсем долбоёб?
- Не совсем, но я над этим работаю.

I've had my eardrum replaced with pigskin.
My hearing is fine now, apart from a little crackling.

There is nothing better than having a coworker who can reply to your sarcasm with more sarcasm instead of getting offended.

– Сколько человек у вас случайно погибло на учениях?
– Да.

9am : Anything is possible.
2pm: But not today.

Fishing License is so fucking stupid, you can't even drive a fish.