Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I'd totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.

My buddy keeps asking me to blow cool air on him when he gets hot, and I don’t like it.

I’m not a fan.

One day a bear ate an entire goose. The next day he felt down in the dumps.

I.m in hospital with food poisoning, its my own fault, l mistook a daffodil bulb for an onion, the doctors said I would be ok, l,l be out in the spring.

What do you call a really old electric Toyota?
Prius-toric!

I've already explained my joke about a bridge, i'm not going over it again.

A couple who work in the circus go to an adoption agency.
Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produce photos of their 50 ft motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied.
They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon.

If you want dreams to happen go to bed.

I'm thinking about starting a castle collection, your forts will be appreciated.

Whoever nicked the mirror from the local Shoe shop needs to take a long, hard look at themselves...

- Милый, если я брошусь в реку, ты прыгнешь меня спасать?
- А если я скажу "Да", ты прыгнешь?

When the tires spin, does the air inside spin too?

- Что мы подарим Изе на восемнадцатилетие?
- А давай подарим ему бабу резиновую!
- Ты с ума сошел, он же такой интеллигентный мальчик!
- А мы ей очки наденем.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most, never use it!

I’ve got a chicken proof lawn at my house.
It’s impeccable.

How can a cemetery raise its prices and blame it on the cost of living?

I was walking down the road last night when I passed an apple pie an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.......

I thought "the streets are strangely deserted tonight"

Гидрометцентр примет на работу специалиста. Зарплата 17 тысяч рублей, ощущается как 20.

You know you're getting old when you watch a porn film & think, that bed looks really comfortable!

I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life's mysteries... like how exactly does paper beat rock?

Las niñas bonitas sonríen, las demás usan escotes.

Tonight we're having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner.
We found himalayan in the road.

I always wanted to be a submarine captain. Deep down.

Q: What's grey, sits on a hill and howls at the moon, and is made of concrete?
A: A wolf!
?? But a wolf's not made of concrete!!
I know, I just threw the concrete it to make it HARD.

Ходила в поликлинику делать ЭКГ.
В этот раз ЭКГ мне делала женщина и оказалось, что лифчик снимать совсем не обязательно.

What happened to all the good chemistry jokes?
They argon.

- Фима, номер карты моей знаешь?
- Да.
- Вот туда и проси прощения.

What you PUT UP with is what you'll END UP with!!!!

I can't stand sitting.

— Не подскажете, как правильно декорировать тарталетки чёрной икрой?
— Да будьте вы прокляты!

Никогда не следует злиться - от этого дрожат руки и сбивается прицел.

—¿Y a qué te dedicas?
—Soy rapero.
—¿Eres cantante de rap?
—No, rapo gente.

Why does Hamlet take so long in the bathroom? Because he can't decide to pee, or not to pee.

Message from dating site. Your dating ad has been on our website for 9 years now without any reply. Do you want us to try 1 week without a picture?

Q: What do you call a man in a raincoat?
A: Mac
Q: What do you call two men in raincoats?
A: Max
Q: What do you call two men in raincoats in a cemetery?
A: Max Bygraves

Маргарита Петровна очень удивилась, обнаружив у себя на лобке седой волос. Да что там удивилась... Остальные в лифте просто ох@@ли!

The beaver lived in a treeless region and he couldn't -
do a dam thing about it!

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I'd probably come in fourth so I wouldn't need to walk up to the podium.

Why did the elephant paint his toe nails red?
.... so he could hide in a cherry tree!

I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention.
We were better than the Cure.

Yesterday I went rock climbing and the guy above me kept farting.
It was by far the worst ass scent I’ve ever had to deal with.

Friend of mine asked me to explain how I won the lottery. I tried, but I only scratched the surface.

What gender pronouns does a chocolate bar use?
Her/she.

People don't think the grass be wet in the morning, but it dew.

Some people are wise, Some are otherwise.

My wife gets super upset when I refer to her as my ex girlfriend.

I wonder why experts stopped being perts!?

Why did Cyclops close his school? He only had one pupil.

I told everyone I could play the violin, but I was just stringing them along.

What begins with "O" and ends with "nions" and sometimes makes people cry?
Opinions

Restaurant hostess: Do you have reservations?
Dad: No, I'm confident I want to eat here.

Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.

I don't go swimming because it's never been 30 minutes after the last time I ate.

I beat a black belt at karate.
My next challenger is a green sock.

I have no respect 4 people who use numbers instead of words.

Friend of mine got drunk and went to an auction. He doesn't remember a lot.

A friend’s dog swallowed a cushion. The vet has described its condition as comfortable.

These days, everyone seems to think that our smartphones are spying on us .

I've got news for you..

Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years..

Если вы проснулись в воскресенье утром и решили назвать сына Евлампий, то просто похмелитесь и выключите передачу "Играй,гармонь!"

Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains.

Great news for most of you.

Why do alcohol and vinegar have use by dates when they are used to preserve things?

I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

I said to the doctor "I think these last tablets you gave me are the wrong ones."
The doctor peered over his glasses and asked "why do you think that?"
"Because I keep veering to the left and then veering to the right!" ....
"Oh" he says ... "their just side effects!

If you ever buy a Jedi action figure, always get two so you can return one of them.

There's a stark difference between Batman and Iron Man.

"She was beautiful, but not like those girls in the magazines. She was beautiful, for the way she thought. She was beautiful, for the sparkle in her eyes when she talked about something she loved. She was beautiful, for her ability to make other people smile, even if she was sad. No, she wasn't beautiful for something as temporary as her looks. She was beautiful, deep down to her soul. She is beautiful."
By F. Scott Fitzgerald

Computer: ‘Create password’

‘Lager’

Computer: ‘Password must be stronger’

‘Export Lager’

50 Cent should release a fragrance and call it 50 Scent.

I always wonder how MISSiles manage to hit their target.

I know people my age climb mountains without falling off,
But my daily challenge is to climb into my underpants without falling over...

"In the very end civilizations perish because they listen to their politicians and not to thier poets." ~ Jonas Mekas

BREAKING NEWS!
An earthquake has hit near a biscuit factory in the North of England last night.
It measured 2.8 on the Rich Tea scale...

What did the Michelin man do when he got too old to work?
He retired!

If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.

Don’t be fake to impress the wrong people. Be you so the right people will love you!!!!!

“Ignorance is the parent of fear.”

– Herman Melville.

What do you call a man with a light on his head?
Sean de lear.
And his wife is Chrystal Sean de lear. 😄

Did you know there are no canaries on the Canary Islands? Same as with the Virgin Islands…
No canaries there either.

What if rocks are soft until we touch them?

People who try to test my patience don't realize it's an exam I don't plan on passing.