Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Why is your "old man" your dad, but your "old lady" is your wife?

The fact that we know chameleons exist, proves they are failures!

I once persuaded my brother to swallow a torch.

It was worth it just to see his little face light up.

I renewed my car insurance over the phone this morning, and as I was about to hang up the woman on the other end asked if I had a pet.
I said, "Yes, i've got a dog."
She said, "Would you like to insure him too?"
I said, "No thanks, he can't drive!"

"I think of lovers as trees, growing to and
from one another, searching for the same light."
By Warsan Shire

I hear there are people going around stealing refrigerators.

That’s cold.

I can cut a tree down just by looking at it for a time!
Don't believe me? I saw it with my own two eyes!

Imagine being completely naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and all want touch you. That's a life of a dog.

Just found out Einstein was real! I always thought he was just a theoretical physicist!

I hate it when I see an old person and then realise we were at the same school together.

Worrying actually works.
Most of the things I worry about never happen!

If moths like the light so much, why don’t they come out during the day?

My mate said: "You really have no sense of direction, do you?"
I said: "Where did that come from?"

Q: Whats the difference between a camera and a sock?
A: A camera takes photos and a sock takes five toes

Объявление:
"Меняю упаковку бумаги А4 на Ауди той же модели."

What does a liar do after he dies?

He lies still.

— Amor, ¿Que te estás poniendo?

— Una crema muy buena para las arrugas.

— Jajaja pues parece que si funciona, cada vez tienes más.

A coworker asked if I like listening to INXS?... I said I only listen to music in moderations...

Happiness comes from within that's why it feels good to fart.

A lethal dose is also a lifetime supply.

Wife:(on phone)"I forgot to tell you to get deodorant."
Him:"Ok, I'll make a...pit stop."
Her: 😐
Him: 😂!!!!

Why do people start a sentence with "I mean" when they haven't said anything yet?

If Cinderella's slipper fit perfectly, why did it fall off?

Civil War jokes are challenging.
But I General Lee find them funny.

If Henry Ford wrote a book, I’m sure it would be an auto-biography.

The elevator at work broke so I took the stairs, now nobody can get down.

Side chicks are getting leftover Halloween candy for Valentine’s Day
Her:”Why u give me ghost shape candy?”
Him:”Cuz you my Boo”

What's round in both ends and High in the middle?

OHIO of course.

What did one plate say to his friend? - Tonight, dinner’s on me!

Why did Waldo go to therapy?

To find himself.

"Men always want to be a woman's first love. That is their clumsy vanity. We women have a more subtle instinct about things. What we like is to be a man's last romance. "

By Oscar Wilde, A Woman of No Importance

"Screw it, just add another blade."
-Gillette marketing concepts.

Я хорошо готовлю, стираю и убираю в квартире, бережно слежу за личными вещами и электроникой...
Вы спросите, в чем же мой секрет?
Ответ прост - я хуёво зарабатываю.

What if they’re not stars, just holes poked in the container so we can breathe..

Made myself a cocktail....
It was a stirring experience...

I am probably the most non-confrontational person you’ll ever meet. You got a problem with that?

Just started a new exaggeration club. So far over 2 billion members............

— Здравствуйте. Я хочу вырубить 80 га реликтового леса в заповеднике и построить гостиницу с подземным бункером, бесполетной зоной и охраной ФСО.
— Заполните заявку на сайте Госуслуг.

What happens when an Unstoppable force meets an unmovable object?

Every book you read is just a remix of the dictionary.

My wife and I have been happily married for two years now.
1987 and 2018.

English can be a terror for us non native speakers!

Fingers have fingertips. Toes don't have toetips yet we can tiptoe!

Q: What is big, grey and jumps out of trees on to the unwary?
A: The elephant of surprise!

“Poetry is the first and last of all knowledge - it is as immortal as the heart of man.”

By William Wordsworth

A friend has a trophy for being the "best thief". Although he didn't actually win the competition...

My wife told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away.

I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.

Yesterday a girl commented on my post, a guy replied, she replied again and they were about to fall in love so i deleted the post!!

Went to an 80s fancy dress party once, my wife didn’t want me to go as a pop star...
But I was adamant.

There's a new superhero in town Typoman, he goes about writing wrongs.

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”
By Maya Angelou

Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn't kill the dinosaurs.
I've been to the museum.
It's obvious they starved to death.

Just wondering did Tony Christie ever find his way to Amarillo did he get a new pillow and what about sweet Marie is she still waiting?

Why did the traffic light turn red?
Because it had to change in the middle of the street!

What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has its claws at the end of its paws and one is a pause at the end of a clause.

"I demand unconditional love and complete freedom. That is why I am terrible."
~Tomaž Šalamun

If you’re illiterate you have to judge a book by it’s cover.

"Seize the moments of happiness, love and be loved! That is the only reality in the world, all else is folly."

By Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace

Went to an Indian restaurant last night and had a pelican curry. Food was ok, but the bill was enormous!

I went into a pub, sitting in the corner was that famous painter Van Gogh.
I said “ God, I thought you were dead, can I buy you a drink”?
He said “ No thanks I’ve got one ear”!

"It's the little things in life that make you laugh"
I never knew what that meant until I saw two midgets fighting.

think i might wear two pairs of trousers next time i play golf, just in case i get a ‘hole in one’

Einstein developed a theory about space, and about time too!

My wife and me often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

If you're not supposed to drink and drive, why do pubs have car parks??

I failed my ventriloquist's exam.
I can't say I'm surprised.

I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge.

How does an elephant get out of a tree?
Sits on a leaf and waits till autumn!

"The world is little, people are little, human life is little. There is only one big thing — desire."
~ Willa Cather

- Вам батон нарезной?

- Нет, бл…, гладкоствольный!

Филологические изыскания
Когда уместно и нужно употреблять слово «бл…ь»

Слово «бл…ь» является междометием, выражающим широкий спектр эмоций,
может обозначать персону легкого поведения, носить обще-оскорбительный
или утверждающий характер.

- Стоять! Не двигаться!
- Это что, ограбление?
- Нет, бл…, групповое фото!

Лифт, последний этаж.
- Вам вниз?
- Нет, бл…, в бок!

- Теща, Вам плита нужна?
- Газовая?
- Нет, бл…, мраморная!

Суд, - свидетель, что Вы делали 16 марта 2016 года в 11 часов 42 минуты?
Свидетель, - ну, я сидел в кресле с календарем и смотрел, бл…, на часы!

- Дорогой, у меня две полоски…
- Ты что беременна?
- Нет, бл… - я бурундук.

Железнодорожница спрашивает у бегущего за поездом и размахивающего
руками мужика
- Мужчина, Вы, что на поезд опоздали?
- Нет, бл…, я его с вокзала выгоняю!

Приходит мужик к врачу и высовывает маленький, маленький член.
Врач смотрит и спрашивает.
- Жалуетесь?
Мужик: нет бл…, хвастаюсь!

- У меня хомяк умер.
- Что просто взял и умер?
- Нет, бл…, со спецэффектами!

- Дорогой, ты станешь папой!
- Ты, что беременна?
- Нет, бл… , из Ватикана звонили!

Подходит на рынке мужик к бабке, которая торгует картошкой.
- бабушка, у Вас картошка на посадку?
- (злобно) – нет, бл…, на взлет!

На зверобойне. Одна корова другой.
- Так красиво! Вы здесь впервые?
- Нет, бл…, второй раз!

Наступает мужик другому на ногу в автобусе.
- Ой, извините!
- Ты что, бл…, интеллигент?
- Нет, нет, что Вы такое же быдло как вы!

Война, через окоп переехал танк. Один солдат другому.
- Че, Вань, обосрался со страху?
- Нет, бл…, от бешеной ненависти к врагу.

- Вам батон нарезной?
- Нет, бл…, гладкоствольный!

- Вы, что упали?
- Нет, бл…, резко лег!

Утром выхожу из душа с намотанным полотенцем на голове, мой спрашивает.
- Ты, из душа?
- Нет, бл…, из Индии прямым рейсом!

- Сын, а почему у тебя по русскому двойка?
- Потому, что «ослаблять» это глагол, а не любовница осла, как сказал папа.

- Окружная дорога, утро. Дальнобойщик останавливается возле девушки
легкого поведения.
- Девушка, Вы ночная бабочка?
- Нет, бл…, утренняя звезда!

Начальник - секретарше.
- Соберите всех сотрудников на совещание, срочно!
- По селектору?
- Нет, бл…, через «одноклассников», так быстрее будет!

Идет мужик в одном сапоге.
- мужчина, Вы, что сапог потеряли?
- нет, бл….,нашел!

- Дайте, пожалуйста, веревку и мыло.
- Вы, что, вешаться собрались?
- Нет, бл…, сейчас помоюсь и в горы!

- Я забыла дома утюг выключить!
- И, что, у тебя теперь все сгорит?
- Нет, бл.., все погладится!

Телефонистка.
- Номер, который Вы вызываете, не отвечает…
- Что, совсем?
- Нет, бл…, первые две цифры ответили, а остальные молчат!

А я вообще не употребляю это слово. Даже, если наступаю босиком на ЛЕГО
или не могу найти конец скотча. Ведь я же интеллигент, бл…!

When people have cars as their profile picture I automatically presume they are a Transformer.

Teacher: Turn Around!
That one Student: “every now and then I get a little bit lonely”

Some people pick their noses.
I was born with mine.

“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”

Lawrence Ferlinghetti

I once did a tandem parachute jump!
I enjoyed it but the bike was a right mess...

"Love isn't just a feeling. It's an art. And like any art, it takes not only inspiration but also a lot of work."
By Paulo Coelho, "Adultery"

Just ordered a book called: “How To Never Pay Tax Again”.
Only cost £7.99 (plus VAT).

I woke my wife up by hitting her with a 12pack of toilet rolls !
She now got "soft tissue damage".

Woke the wife up this morning by hitting her with a jigsaw...........
"What was that for" she said with a puzzled look on her face.

Древние греки изобрели оргии. Но именно древние римляне начали организовывать их с участием женщин.

A dog was sending a telegram
The attendant said “what would you like me to write?”
Dog said “woof woof
Woof wooof woof wofff!
Attendant “you know for the same money you can fit another woof in “
Dog said “don’t you think that will sound a bit ridiculous!