Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Древние греки изобрели оргии. Но именно древние римляне начали организовывать их с участием женщин.

A dog was sending a telegram
The attendant said “what would you like me to write?”
Dog said “woof woof
Woof wooof woof wofff!
Attendant “you know for the same money you can fit another woof in “
Dog said “don’t you think that will sound a bit ridiculous!

I dreamt last night that I was back the 1990s...
There I was, stranded in a desert and I thought I could see an Oasis...
But when I woke... it was just a Blur

Do Crabs think Fish are flying?

If you have vertigo and lie down, does it become horizontigo?

Today police arrested a man for stealing helium balloons.
They held him for a little while, then they let him go.

When it comes to books, once you’ve read the dictionary, you’ve read them all...

Just found the worst page in the dictionary.

What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

I find oxymorons can be very bittersweet.

"Love is hard to find, hard to keep, and hard to forget."

~Alysha Speer

What is the last little duckling following its mom called?
A Chiropractor.
Why is it called a Chiropractor?
Because it’s the back quacker!

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a real Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.
They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.
On his arm, he has a tattoo that says *REEBOK*
"What's that for?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."
Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says *NIKE*
'What's that ?' the lady questions again.
"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."
Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says *AIDS*
The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"
The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!!
It will read *ADIDAS* in a minute."

“Everyone thinks of changing the world,
but no one thinks of changing himself .”
― Leo Tolstoy

I used to dread walking under horse chestnut trees in the autumn But after therapy.. I've managed to conker it.

“Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words.”

― Robert Frost

People who like trance music are very persistent.

They don't techno for an answer...

What is the best music to play when you go fishing?
Anything so long as it is catchy.

I hate telling friends that I’m a taxidermist. When they ask, “What do you do all day ?” I say you know, stuff !

A documentary made by the flat earth society has been nominated for a Golden Globe.

Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.

HR and I apparently disagree on what "debriefed" means.

My friend works at a rubber dog poop factory.

He'll never get rich, but he makes doo.

«Папа, а почему у нас обыск?» - «Не знаю, сынок! Я, вообще-то, политикой не интересуюсь».

Работники музея восковых скульптур только на третий день поняли, что кассир умер.

I’m not sure I could honestly say I love my cars indicators.
We have an on off sort of relationship to be honest . . .

Went to the shop today to buy some lemons and apples, but they didn’t have any. It was a fruitless trip.

I just read a lengthy and good article on Japanese sword fighting - but I can Samurais it for you.

I applied for a food tester position. I'm hungry to prove myself.

A writer’s heart, a poet’s heart, an artist’s heart, a musician’s heart is always breaking. It is through that broken window that we see the world.
- Alice Walker

I went to see my doctor this morning.
"Someone decided to graffiti my house last night!" I raged.
"So why are you telling me?" he asked.
"I can't understand the writing," I replied, "Was it you?"

She was just a whiskey maker. But I loved her still.

I was walking past a building site today when a man hammering on the roof called me a paranoid weirdo.....in morse code.

The problem with political jokes is that they sometimes get elected...😆

The heart will break,
but broken live on.

When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child... eventually.

My mate keeps taking photos of herself standing beside a boiling kettle...

I think she may have selfie steam issues....

I once gave a guy a lift.
He spent the whole journey talking about his favourite chocolate bar...

It was the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy...

A new kid started working with us at the human cannonball factory today.
He's really keen, plus he's small and light.
I can see him going far!

“Doctor, Every time I go out people start hitting me with sticks”.
“And why do you think that is Mr Piñata?”

I just realized that I haven't done the "Hockey Pokey" in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it's all about.

Q: What has 3 feet and no toes...?
A: a yard stick!!!

"Technique and ability alone do not get you to the top -- it is the willpower that is the most important. This willpower you cannot buy with money or be given by others -- it rises from your heart."
- Junko Tabei

In a restaurant:
Me: I'm not very hungry, I just want something easy.
Server: Maybe the chicken strips for $6?
Me: Maybe it does, but that doesn't help with my hunger.

“The great art of life is sensation, to feel that we exist, even in pain.”
-- Lord Byron

I heard a really good time travel joke tomorrow.

Teacher : Which test can you pass without studying?
Me : COVID-19 test.

An eldery woman goes to the doctor :
-Good morning Doctor, do you recognize me?
-Yes I do, you came last week for a strength problem. I gave you some medicines. Any problem with it?
-Yes indeed... I can't open the box...

Why did the ram run off the cliff?....
He didn’t see the ewe turn.

I’m a really down to earth guy....because, you know, gravity.

Saw a bull caught in an electric fence.

I think it was charging.

I played scrabble with my wife last night.
It's the only way I can get a word in.

What do you call it when a old person rings a doorbell?
Boomerang.

Q: How does a red head walk ?
A: Gingerly.

I know a dentist who doesn’t like tea. Denis.

There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.

A guy asked a girl in a university library:
"Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl replied with a loud voice:
"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said:
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy then responded with a loud voice:
“$500 FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT'S TOO MUCH!”
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy
whispered in her ear:
"I study law, and I know how to screw people".

Она была как шампанское - игристая и могла дать в голову...

I asked my Dad “What’s the difference between weight and mass?”
“Well, son. Weight is your size in relation to the Earth’s gravity.
Mass is what Catholics go to Sunday morning.”

If your nose runs,
And your feet smell,
...Are you built upside-down?

I heard there's a great article on this one website, but I haven't 'Reddit' yet.

Experts have confirmed that bowling is officially the quietest sport.
You can hear a pin drop, after all.

“I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.”

By James Baldwin, The Fire Next Time

The Americans pay a check with a bill but the Brits pay a bill with a cheque.

Valentine’s Day was quickly approaching and Little Johnny was anxious to receive and give Valentine cards during his classroom party,.. Mainly because there were two girls he was particularly very fond of. The rest of his class received the usual “store bought” cheap Valentines that read cutesy “Be Mines”,
But he took special care and time in hand-making two special cards for these two sweethearts in his life.
The first read:
Roses are Red, Pickles are Green, I love your legs and what’s in between. I like your style, I like your class, But most of all I love your ass.
And to the other girl he wrote:
* * * Roses are Stupid, Violets are Silly! Bend over Babe ’cause here comes my Willy!

If everything is possible, wouldn’t it be possible for some things to be impossible?

I saw a bloke pushing a shopping trolley up a hill full of horse shoes and rabbit’s feet.
I thought he’s pushing his luck!!

I was in a psychiatric hospital once, visiting. One of the patients recognized me:
“You're Charles Bukowski, aren't you?” he asked.
He read all my books. Maybe that's why he was there.

My aunt married a man whose surname is Body, now I have an
Auntie Body.

Had my luggage torn to pieces, so I asked my lawyer if I could sue the airline. He said, “you don’t have much of a case”.

Remember this:
Time is free, but it's priceless.
You can't own it, but you can use it.
You can't keep it, but you can spend it.
Once you've lost it you can never get it back...

A statistics pun can be considered as mean.

'You go on ahead. I'll catch you up.' is Agatha Christie for 'I'm going to stay here and get murdered.'.

Why are fast yachts like popular furniture stores? Both always seem to have a sail on.

My wife thinks she's a geologist. She's always pointing out my faults.

I was digging for gold and pulled a muscle. No worries, it's just a miner injury.

If someone tells you that you’re ignorant and apathetic, tell them that you don’t know what that means and you don’t care.

I was walking past a couple of street cleaners the other day when I thought... I wonder if they need training for doing that or do they just pick it up as they go along?

It took more than an hour for me to decide which skin cream to buy...
I didn't want to make a rash decision.

Girls get friend zoned too. The only difference is, the guy will still sleep with you.

— Что чувствует человек после смерти?
— То же самое, что он чувствовал до зачатия...