Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

People who try to test my patience don't realize it's an exam I don't plan on passing.

'The only unbearable thing is that nothing is unbearable' (Rimbaud)

Opening a new shadow puppet theatre.
Business plan says we’ll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.

—Фортепьянствуете?
— Нет, пока просто пианируем...

А у вас не складывается ощущения, что те, кто слышит в аромате вина «нотки засахаренного ананаса, лимонной меренги и лепестков роз», просто п*здят?

There's a song by the Beatles.
I can't remember the name of it, but I remember the tune, like it was yesterday.

My stereo started smelling fishy. It took me a minute to realize I’d accidentally turned up the bass.

What do you call a man who repairs TVs?
The screensaver.

I’m looking for a book on how to fix automatic gearboxes, but the library only has manuals.

She was a terrible carpenter. She wasted too much time painting her nails.

I painted half my face like a clown and went for a drive.......
Not sure if everyone saw the funny side.

People who like trance music are very persistent.

They don't techno for an answer.

“It is a thousand pities never to say what one feels.”
— Virginia Woolf

I've often wondered:
Who the heck is Pete?
And why do we do things for his sake?

My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.

I told my son a dad joke about monopoly, he just rolled his dice at me.

I'm off to a camp to help me concentrate. Sounds like a lovely concentration camp.

I’m not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. On my birthday and when it’s not my birthday.

One of my biggest fears is that my car secretly records me singing.

Boys never cheat, they just practice with other girls to be a better boyfriend

My new home is made entirely of styrofoam.

It's a light house.

I opened a new Facebook group for pyromaniacs.
Everyone gets on like a house on fire.

An octopus held up the local bank. Apparently he was well armed.

Technically, nobody has ever been inside an empty room.

I accidentally used the dog shampoo this morning. I'm feeling like a good boy today!

I used to be an amateur crastinator, but then I decided to go pro.

Why is your "old man" your dad, but your "old lady" is your wife?

The fact that we know chameleons exist, proves they are failures!

I once persuaded my brother to swallow a torch.

It was worth it just to see his little face light up.

I renewed my car insurance over the phone this morning, and as I was about to hang up the woman on the other end asked if I had a pet.
I said, "Yes, i've got a dog."
She said, "Would you like to insure him too?"
I said, "No thanks, he can't drive!"

"I think of lovers as trees, growing to and
from one another, searching for the same light."
By Warsan Shire

I hear there are people going around stealing refrigerators.

That’s cold.

I can cut a tree down just by looking at it for a time!
Don't believe me? I saw it with my own two eyes!

Imagine being completely naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and all want touch you. That's a life of a dog.

Just found out Einstein was real! I always thought he was just a theoretical physicist!

I hate it when I see an old person and then realise we were at the same school together.

Worrying actually works.
Most of the things I worry about never happen!

If moths like the light so much, why don’t they come out during the day?

My mate said: "You really have no sense of direction, do you?"
I said: "Where did that come from?"

Q: Whats the difference between a camera and a sock?
A: A camera takes photos and a sock takes five toes

Объявление:
"Меняю упаковку бумаги А4 на Ауди той же модели."

What does a liar do after he dies?

He lies still.

— Amor, ¿Que te estás poniendo?

— Una crema muy buena para las arrugas.

— Jajaja pues parece que si funciona, cada vez tienes más.

A coworker asked if I like listening to INXS?... I said I only listen to music in moderations...

Happiness comes from within that's why it feels good to fart.

A lethal dose is also a lifetime supply.

Wife:(on phone)"I forgot to tell you to get deodorant."
Him:"Ok, I'll make a...pit stop."
Her: 😐
Him: 😂!!!!

Why do people start a sentence with "I mean" when they haven't said anything yet?

If Cinderella's slipper fit perfectly, why did it fall off?

Civil War jokes are challenging.
But I General Lee find them funny.

If Henry Ford wrote a book, I’m sure it would be an auto-biography.

The elevator at work broke so I took the stairs, now nobody can get down.

Side chicks are getting leftover Halloween candy for Valentine’s Day
Her:”Why u give me ghost shape candy?”
Him:”Cuz you my Boo”

What's round in both ends and High in the middle?

OHIO of course.

What did one plate say to his friend? - Tonight, dinner’s on me!

Why did Waldo go to therapy?

To find himself.

"Men always want to be a woman's first love. That is their clumsy vanity. We women have a more subtle instinct about things. What we like is to be a man's last romance. "

By Oscar Wilde, A Woman of No Importance

"Screw it, just add another blade."
-Gillette marketing concepts.

Я хорошо готовлю, стираю и убираю в квартире, бережно слежу за личными вещами и электроникой...
Вы спросите, в чем же мой секрет?
Ответ прост - я хуёво зарабатываю.

What if they’re not stars, just holes poked in the container so we can breathe..

Made myself a cocktail....
It was a stirring experience...

I am probably the most non-confrontational person you’ll ever meet. You got a problem with that?

Just started a new exaggeration club. So far over 2 billion members............

— Здравствуйте. Я хочу вырубить 80 га реликтового леса в заповеднике и построить гостиницу с подземным бункером, бесполетной зоной и охраной ФСО.
— Заполните заявку на сайте Госуслуг.

What happens when an Unstoppable force meets an unmovable object?

Every book you read is just a remix of the dictionary.

My wife and I have been happily married for two years now.
1987 and 2018.

English can be a terror for us non native speakers!

Fingers have fingertips. Toes don't have toetips yet we can tiptoe!

Q: What is big, grey and jumps out of trees on to the unwary?
A: The elephant of surprise!

“Poetry is the first and last of all knowledge - it is as immortal as the heart of man.”

By William Wordsworth

A friend has a trophy for being the "best thief". Although he didn't actually win the competition...

My wife told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away.

I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.

Yesterday a girl commented on my post, a guy replied, she replied again and they were about to fall in love so i deleted the post!!

Went to an 80s fancy dress party once, my wife didn’t want me to go as a pop star...
But I was adamant.

There's a new superhero in town Typoman, he goes about writing wrongs.

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”
By Maya Angelou

Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn't kill the dinosaurs.
I've been to the museum.
It's obvious they starved to death.

Just wondering did Tony Christie ever find his way to Amarillo did he get a new pillow and what about sweet Marie is she still waiting?

Why did the traffic light turn red?
Because it had to change in the middle of the street!

What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has its claws at the end of its paws and one is a pause at the end of a clause.