Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

— Что чувствует человек после смерти?
— То же самое, что он чувствовал до зачатия...

Why did the Tupperware lady escape from jail?

Because they couldn't container.

The wifes just asked me why I'm wrapping my feet in bubble wrap
I said "I'm just popping down to the shops"

Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.

It's a vicious cycle.

What did the sushi roll say to the bee??

Wasabi!!

Everyone has kicked a pregnant woman at least once.

Went to the doctor for a check up. He said I'm terribly sorry I've got some bad news. You only have four minutes to live! I said can't you do anything for me? He said I can boil you an egg.

My missus came home with a Monopoly board under one arm and a Cluedo under the other arm. Her feet were stuck to a Trivial Pursuit and a Chess board. I said to her "Are you on the game?"

Last night, I saw this bloke sneaking around my garden wearing a rugby shirt, golfing slacks, tennis shoes and a pair of goalkeepers gloves.
"Hey, I shouted, what's your game?"

A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. “No, I’m travelling light.”

To survive in water, you don't have to be good at swimming, you just have to be bad at drowning.

The rap artist wasn’t upset about the red stain on his pants because he just dropped a beet.

Кровати — это просто зарядные устройства для людей.

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: A coworker once said "suppos-ably" seven times in a meeting, and I just let her.
St. Peter: Get in here.

There is an advantage when you need to pee really badly. You get to change nationalities. Russian when looking for a bathroom, European when you find one and Finnish after you are all done.

How do you measure a snake?

In inches—they don’t have feet.

Ya gotta have a lot of balls to play golf like me!

I find it interesting that the person who coined the term "coined the term" actually coined the term "coined the term."

“And that's the thing about people who mean everything they say. They think everyone else does too.”
― Khaled Hosseini

I appeared in court this morning.

The Judge was very impressed with my magic trick.

Do infants enjoy the infantry as much as adults do adultery?

* Knock, knock*

- Who's there?
- Pete Townsend and Roger Daltrey
- The Who?!

“Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.”

— William Shakespeare

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill. Tomorrow my goal is to turn it on…

My wife thinks I'm crazy.
But I'm not the one
that married me!!

Sex so good I wanted to text her man and tell him how lucky he is to have her.

- Извините за опоздание, Соломон Маркович, но я не приду.

I went to fish restaurant recently and ordered the Octopus.
The waiter said: "It takes 4 hours to cook."
I said: "Why?"
He said: "Because it keeps turning the gas off."

Saw an owl having a game of chess with a bird with a big beak. I thought “toucan play that game.”

Chap sees an swan in the cinema. He says “are you a swan?” “Yes” comes the answer. “What are you doing here?” “Well, I liked the book”.

I met an Olympic Athlete and asked him “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He said, No, I’m German but how did you know my name was Valter?

A young child was looking at The Bible he found in the family bookshelf.
He started reading it from the beginning when all of a sudden an.old pressed leaf fell out from The Bible.
He shouted "Mum, look what I've found?"
His Mum said "what have you found dear?"
He replied in shock "I've found Adam's underwear".

Knock knock
Who’s there ?
Amos
Amos who?
A mosquito
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Ana
Ana who?
Anada mosquito

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

My friend Tony told me please don't say my name backwards.
I said Y not?

A guy threw a light bulb and it broke.
It wasn't a bright idea..

Does the lab technician who has to analyse stool samples enjoy their job, or do they just go through the motions ?

All of my uncles are trained police snipers, unlike my grandpa, who was a committed bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by family.

I've just seen this bloke walking down the street pulling a piece of String.
I asked him "Why are you pulling that piece of String?"
He replied: "Have you ever tried Pushing it!?"

I like jokes about stationery but rulers are where I draw the line.

At the bottom of the Bermuda Triangle is a... wreck tangle.

Кот футболиста никогда не спит клубком.

I’ve just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.

A lorry carrying tinned corned beef collided with a truck load of potatoes causing chaos on the road this morning
A bystander said: I don't know what the traffic police are doing to reopen the road.. But they seem to be making a hash of it.

Евреи и викинги поспорили о вере, ругались, но сошлись во мнении, что сила в Торе.

Увидев падающую звезду, Люся не успела полностью загадать желание, и теперь она всё время хочет.

- Род занятий?
- Занятие оно. Значит, средний.

My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.

I wondered if Noah liked blueberry pies, then I realised he preferred pears.

- Доктор, у меня проблема, я не могу открыться людям.
- Расскажите подробнее.
- Нет.

"If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us."
- Hermann Hesse

My son, a dentist, won the Dentist of The Year Award, but all he got was a little plaque.

What did the pencil say to the other pencil ?
Your looking SHARP today bro !

"Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity or registering wrongs. - life is short."

• Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

I thought about becoming an arborist, but I realised I'd only ever be a branch manager.

Why does a relief map not show where the toilets are??

Why did the Mexican take anxiety medication?
For hispanic attacks.

Being ugly is basically playing life on hard mode.

A man was arrested for stealing lamps, he's expecting a light sentence.

I read a book called The Swimming Pool. It started out rather shallow but had a very deep end.

How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
You poke her face.

Knock, knock.

Who's there.

Broken Pencil.

Broken Pencil who?

Nevermind, it's pointless.

"Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat."

Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No...
Librarian: One day that will work.

У пессимиста давно не было секса.
А у оптимиста был, но давно.

I wondered if Noah liked blueberry pies, then I realised he preferred pears.

- тебе кто-нибудь говорил, что ты классный в сексе?
- нет
- ну и нахрена ты продолжаешь этим заниматься?!

If you want to get noticed,
go jogging without moving your arms

Every time you close a tap after washing your hands you get back some of the germs you left on the tap when you were opening it.

My wife texted me to say that she was leaving me due to my addiction to online poker. So I called her to see if she was bluffing.

— Ахулия! — воскликнул Гамлет.
— Офелия! — поправил зал.

There was a competition for premature ejaculators. Too bad I couldn't come.

Having heard Mambo No. 5, I'm pretty glad I missed the first four.

I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage.
I lost my case.

I hate it when you ask someone if they want sugar in their tea and they say "No. I'm sweet enough,"
and instead of laughing along with them you kill them.

What does a lawyer wear to work? A lawsuit!

What's the heaviest type of T?

Gravity of course...

I would like to lose weight but I hate losing.

Two married friends are out drinking. One says to the other,
"I can never sneak into the house after I've been drinking. I've tried everything. I turn the headlights off before I go in the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off and creep upstairs. I undress in the bathroom. I do everything I can think of, but my wife still yells at me for staying out so late."
The friend replies: "Do what I do. I screech into the driveway, slam the front door, stomp up the stairs, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap my wife's ass and say loudly, 'WHO WANTS TO GET LAID?' She always pretends to be asleep.

Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already.