Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

A coworker asked if I like listening to INXS?... I said I only listen to music in moderations...

Happiness comes from within that's why it feels good to fart.

A lethal dose is also a lifetime supply.

Wife:(on phone)"I forgot to tell you to get deodorant."
Him:"Ok, I'll make a...pit stop."
Her: 😐
Him: 😂!!!!

Why do people start a sentence with "I mean" when they haven't said anything yet?

If Cinderella's slipper fit perfectly, why did it fall off?

Civil War jokes are challenging.
But I General Lee find them funny.

If Henry Ford wrote a book, I’m sure it would be an auto-biography.

The elevator at work broke so I took the stairs, now nobody can get down.

Side chicks are getting leftover Halloween candy for Valentine’s Day
Her:”Why u give me ghost shape candy?”
Him:”Cuz you my Boo”

What's round in both ends and High in the middle?

OHIO of course.

What did one plate say to his friend? - Tonight, dinner’s on me!

Why did Waldo go to therapy?

To find himself.

"Men always want to be a woman's first love. That is their clumsy vanity. We women have a more subtle instinct about things. What we like is to be a man's last romance. "

By Oscar Wilde, A Woman of No Importance

"Screw it, just add another blade."
-Gillette marketing concepts.

Я хорошо готовлю, стираю и убираю в квартире, бережно слежу за личными вещами и электроникой...
Вы спросите, в чем же мой секрет?
Ответ прост - я хуёво зарабатываю.

What if they’re not stars, just holes poked in the container so we can breathe..

Made myself a cocktail....
It was a stirring experience...

I am probably the most non-confrontational person you’ll ever meet. You got a problem with that?

Just started a new exaggeration club. So far over 2 billion members............

— Здравствуйте. Я хочу вырубить 80 га реликтового леса в заповеднике и построить гостиницу с подземным бункером, бесполетной зоной и охраной ФСО.
— Заполните заявку на сайте Госуслуг.

What happens when an Unstoppable force meets an unmovable object?

Every book you read is just a remix of the dictionary.

My wife and I have been happily married for two years now.
1987 and 2018.

English can be a terror for us non native speakers!

Fingers have fingertips. Toes don't have toetips yet we can tiptoe!

Q: What is big, grey and jumps out of trees on to the unwary?
A: The elephant of surprise!

“Poetry is the first and last of all knowledge - it is as immortal as the heart of man.”

By William Wordsworth

A friend has a trophy for being the "best thief". Although he didn't actually win the competition...

My wife told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away.

I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.

Yesterday a girl commented on my post, a guy replied, she replied again and they were about to fall in love so i deleted the post!!

Went to an 80s fancy dress party once, my wife didn’t want me to go as a pop star...
But I was adamant.

There's a new superhero in town Typoman, he goes about writing wrongs.

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”
By Maya Angelou

Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn't kill the dinosaurs.
I've been to the museum.
It's obvious they starved to death.

Just wondering did Tony Christie ever find his way to Amarillo did he get a new pillow and what about sweet Marie is she still waiting?

Why did the traffic light turn red?
Because it had to change in the middle of the street!

What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has its claws at the end of its paws and one is a pause at the end of a clause.

"I demand unconditional love and complete freedom. That is why I am terrible."
~Tomaž Šalamun

If you’re illiterate you have to judge a book by it’s cover.

"Seize the moments of happiness, love and be loved! That is the only reality in the world, all else is folly."

By Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace

Went to an Indian restaurant last night and had a pelican curry. Food was ok, but the bill was enormous!

I went into a pub, sitting in the corner was that famous painter Van Gogh.
I said “ God, I thought you were dead, can I buy you a drink”?
He said “ No thanks I’ve got one ear”!

"It's the little things in life that make you laugh"
I never knew what that meant until I saw two midgets fighting.

think i might wear two pairs of trousers next time i play golf, just in case i get a ‘hole in one’

Einstein developed a theory about space, and about time too!

My wife and me often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

If you're not supposed to drink and drive, why do pubs have car parks??

I failed my ventriloquist's exam.
I can't say I'm surprised.

I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge.

How does an elephant get out of a tree?
Sits on a leaf and waits till autumn!

"The world is little, people are little, human life is little. There is only one big thing — desire."
~ Willa Cather

- Вам батон нарезной?

- Нет, бл…, гладкоствольный!

Филологические изыскания
Когда уместно и нужно употреблять слово «бл…ь»

Слово «бл…ь» является междометием, выражающим широкий спектр эмоций,
может обозначать персону легкого поведения, носить обще-оскорбительный
или утверждающий характер.

- Стоять! Не двигаться!
- Это что, ограбление?
- Нет, бл…, групповое фото!

Лифт, последний этаж.
- Вам вниз?
- Нет, бл…, в бок!

- Теща, Вам плита нужна?
- Газовая?
- Нет, бл…, мраморная!

Суд, - свидетель, что Вы делали 16 марта 2016 года в 11 часов 42 минуты?
Свидетель, - ну, я сидел в кресле с календарем и смотрел, бл…, на часы!

- Дорогой, у меня две полоски…
- Ты что беременна?
- Нет, бл… - я бурундук.

Железнодорожница спрашивает у бегущего за поездом и размахивающего
руками мужика
- Мужчина, Вы, что на поезд опоздали?
- Нет, бл…, я его с вокзала выгоняю!

Приходит мужик к врачу и высовывает маленький, маленький член.
Врач смотрит и спрашивает.
- Жалуетесь?
Мужик: нет бл…, хвастаюсь!

- У меня хомяк умер.
- Что просто взял и умер?
- Нет, бл…, со спецэффектами!

- Дорогой, ты станешь папой!
- Ты, что беременна?
- Нет, бл… , из Ватикана звонили!

Подходит на рынке мужик к бабке, которая торгует картошкой.
- бабушка, у Вас картошка на посадку?
- (злобно) – нет, бл…, на взлет!

На зверобойне. Одна корова другой.
- Так красиво! Вы здесь впервые?
- Нет, бл…, второй раз!

Наступает мужик другому на ногу в автобусе.
- Ой, извините!
- Ты что, бл…, интеллигент?
- Нет, нет, что Вы такое же быдло как вы!

Война, через окоп переехал танк. Один солдат другому.
- Че, Вань, обосрался со страху?
- Нет, бл…, от бешеной ненависти к врагу.

- Вам батон нарезной?
- Нет, бл…, гладкоствольный!

- Вы, что упали?
- Нет, бл…, резко лег!

Утром выхожу из душа с намотанным полотенцем на голове, мой спрашивает.
- Ты, из душа?
- Нет, бл…, из Индии прямым рейсом!

- Сын, а почему у тебя по русскому двойка?
- Потому, что «ослаблять» это глагол, а не любовница осла, как сказал папа.

- Окружная дорога, утро. Дальнобойщик останавливается возле девушки
легкого поведения.
- Девушка, Вы ночная бабочка?
- Нет, бл…, утренняя звезда!

Начальник - секретарше.
- Соберите всех сотрудников на совещание, срочно!
- По селектору?
- Нет, бл…, через «одноклассников», так быстрее будет!

Идет мужик в одном сапоге.
- мужчина, Вы, что сапог потеряли?
- нет, бл….,нашел!

- Дайте, пожалуйста, веревку и мыло.
- Вы, что, вешаться собрались?
- Нет, бл…, сейчас помоюсь и в горы!

- Я забыла дома утюг выключить!
- И, что, у тебя теперь все сгорит?
- Нет, бл.., все погладится!

Телефонистка.
- Номер, который Вы вызываете, не отвечает…
- Что, совсем?
- Нет, бл…, первые две цифры ответили, а остальные молчат!

А я вообще не употребляю это слово. Даже, если наступаю босиком на ЛЕГО
или не могу найти конец скотча. Ведь я же интеллигент, бл…!

When people have cars as their profile picture I automatically presume they are a Transformer.

Teacher: Turn Around!
That one Student: “every now and then I get a little bit lonely”

Some people pick their noses.
I was born with mine.

“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”

Lawrence Ferlinghetti

I once did a tandem parachute jump!
I enjoyed it but the bike was a right mess...

"Love isn't just a feeling. It's an art. And like any art, it takes not only inspiration but also a lot of work."
By Paulo Coelho, "Adultery"

Just ordered a book called: “How To Never Pay Tax Again”.
Only cost £7.99 (plus VAT).

I woke my wife up by hitting her with a 12pack of toilet rolls !
She now got "soft tissue damage".

Woke the wife up this morning by hitting her with a jigsaw...........
"What was that for" she said with a puzzled look on her face.

Древние греки изобрели оргии. Но именно древние римляне начали организовывать их с участием женщин.

A dog was sending a telegram
The attendant said “what would you like me to write?”
Dog said “woof woof
Woof wooof woof wofff!
Attendant “you know for the same money you can fit another woof in “
Dog said “don’t you think that will sound a bit ridiculous!

I dreamt last night that I was back the 1990s...
There I was, stranded in a desert and I thought I could see an Oasis...
But when I woke... it was just a Blur

Do Crabs think Fish are flying?

If you have vertigo and lie down, does it become horizontigo?

Today police arrested a man for stealing helium balloons.
They held him for a little while, then they let him go.

When it comes to books, once you’ve read the dictionary, you’ve read them all...

Just found the worst page in the dictionary.

What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

I find oxymorons can be very bittersweet.

"Love is hard to find, hard to keep, and hard to forget."

~Alysha Speer

What is the last little duckling following its mom called?
A Chiropractor.
Why is it called a Chiropractor?
Because it’s the back quacker!

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a real Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.
They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.
On his arm, he has a tattoo that says *REEBOK*
"What's that for?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."
Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says *NIKE*
'What's that ?' the lady questions again.
"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."
Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says *AIDS*
The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"
The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!!
It will read *ADIDAS* in a minute."

“Everyone thinks of changing the world,
but no one thinks of changing himself .”
― Leo Tolstoy

I used to dread walking under horse chestnut trees in the autumn But after therapy.. I've managed to conker it.

“Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words.”

― Robert Frost

People who like trance music are very persistent.

They don't techno for an answer...

What is the best music to play when you go fishing?
Anything so long as it is catchy.

I hate telling friends that I’m a taxidermist. When they ask, “What do you do all day ?” I say you know, stuff !

A documentary made by the flat earth society has been nominated for a Golden Globe.