Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

"I demand unconditional love and complete freedom. That is why I am terrible."
~Tomaž Šalamun

If you’re illiterate you have to judge a book by it’s cover.

"Seize the moments of happiness, love and be loved! That is the only reality in the world, all else is folly."

By Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace

Went to an Indian restaurant last night and had a pelican curry. Food was ok, but the bill was enormous!

I went into a pub, sitting in the corner was that famous painter Van Gogh.
I said “ God, I thought you were dead, can I buy you a drink”?
He said “ No thanks I’ve got one ear”!

"It's the little things in life that make you laugh"
I never knew what that meant until I saw two midgets fighting.

think i might wear two pairs of trousers next time i play golf, just in case i get a ‘hole in one’

Einstein developed a theory about space, and about time too!

My wife and me often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

If you're not supposed to drink and drive, why do pubs have car parks??

I failed my ventriloquist's exam.
I can't say I'm surprised.

I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge.

How does an elephant get out of a tree?
Sits on a leaf and waits till autumn!

"The world is little, people are little, human life is little. There is only one big thing — desire."
~ Willa Cather

- Вам батон нарезной?

- Нет, бл…, гладкоствольный!

Филологические изыскания
Когда уместно и нужно употреблять слово «бл…ь»

Слово «бл…ь» является междометием, выражающим широкий спектр эмоций,
может обозначать персону легкого поведения, носить обще-оскорбительный
или утверждающий характер.

- Стоять! Не двигаться!
- Это что, ограбление?
- Нет, бл…, групповое фото!

Лифт, последний этаж.
- Вам вниз?
- Нет, бл…, в бок!

- Теща, Вам плита нужна?
- Газовая?
- Нет, бл…, мраморная!

Суд, - свидетель, что Вы делали 16 марта 2016 года в 11 часов 42 минуты?
Свидетель, - ну, я сидел в кресле с календарем и смотрел, бл…, на часы!

- Дорогой, у меня две полоски…
- Ты что беременна?
- Нет, бл… - я бурундук.

Железнодорожница спрашивает у бегущего за поездом и размахивающего
руками мужика
- Мужчина, Вы, что на поезд опоздали?
- Нет, бл…, я его с вокзала выгоняю!

Приходит мужик к врачу и высовывает маленький, маленький член.
Врач смотрит и спрашивает.
- Жалуетесь?
Мужик: нет бл…, хвастаюсь!

- У меня хомяк умер.
- Что просто взял и умер?
- Нет, бл…, со спецэффектами!

- Дорогой, ты станешь папой!
- Ты, что беременна?
- Нет, бл… , из Ватикана звонили!

Подходит на рынке мужик к бабке, которая торгует картошкой.
- бабушка, у Вас картошка на посадку?
- (злобно) – нет, бл…, на взлет!

На зверобойне. Одна корова другой.
- Так красиво! Вы здесь впервые?
- Нет, бл…, второй раз!

Наступает мужик другому на ногу в автобусе.
- Ой, извините!
- Ты что, бл…, интеллигент?
- Нет, нет, что Вы такое же быдло как вы!

Война, через окоп переехал танк. Один солдат другому.
- Че, Вань, обосрался со страху?
- Нет, бл…, от бешеной ненависти к врагу.

- Вам батон нарезной?
- Нет, бл…, гладкоствольный!

- Вы, что упали?
- Нет, бл…, резко лег!

Утром выхожу из душа с намотанным полотенцем на голове, мой спрашивает.
- Ты, из душа?
- Нет, бл…, из Индии прямым рейсом!

- Сын, а почему у тебя по русскому двойка?
- Потому, что «ослаблять» это глагол, а не любовница осла, как сказал папа.

- Окружная дорога, утро. Дальнобойщик останавливается возле девушки
легкого поведения.
- Девушка, Вы ночная бабочка?
- Нет, бл…, утренняя звезда!

Начальник - секретарше.
- Соберите всех сотрудников на совещание, срочно!
- По селектору?
- Нет, бл…, через «одноклассников», так быстрее будет!

Идет мужик в одном сапоге.
- мужчина, Вы, что сапог потеряли?
- нет, бл….,нашел!

- Дайте, пожалуйста, веревку и мыло.
- Вы, что, вешаться собрались?
- Нет, бл…, сейчас помоюсь и в горы!

- Я забыла дома утюг выключить!
- И, что, у тебя теперь все сгорит?
- Нет, бл.., все погладится!

Телефонистка.
- Номер, который Вы вызываете, не отвечает…
- Что, совсем?
- Нет, бл…, первые две цифры ответили, а остальные молчат!

А я вообще не употребляю это слово. Даже, если наступаю босиком на ЛЕГО
или не могу найти конец скотча. Ведь я же интеллигент, бл…!

When people have cars as their profile picture I automatically presume they are a Transformer.

Teacher: Turn Around!
That one Student: “every now and then I get a little bit lonely”

Some people pick their noses.
I was born with mine.

“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”

Lawrence Ferlinghetti

I once did a tandem parachute jump!
I enjoyed it but the bike was a right mess...

"Love isn't just a feeling. It's an art. And like any art, it takes not only inspiration but also a lot of work."
By Paulo Coelho, "Adultery"

Just ordered a book called: “How To Never Pay Tax Again”.
Only cost £7.99 (plus VAT).

I woke my wife up by hitting her with a 12pack of toilet rolls !
She now got "soft tissue damage".

Woke the wife up this morning by hitting her with a jigsaw...........
"What was that for" she said with a puzzled look on her face.

Древние греки изобрели оргии. Но именно древние римляне начали организовывать их с участием женщин.

A dog was sending a telegram
The attendant said “what would you like me to write?”
Dog said “woof woof
Woof wooof woof wofff!
Attendant “you know for the same money you can fit another woof in “
Dog said “don’t you think that will sound a bit ridiculous!

I dreamt last night that I was back the 1990s...
There I was, stranded in a desert and I thought I could see an Oasis...
But when I woke... it was just a Blur

Do Crabs think Fish are flying?

If you have vertigo and lie down, does it become horizontigo?

Today police arrested a man for stealing helium balloons.
They held him for a little while, then they let him go.

When it comes to books, once you’ve read the dictionary, you’ve read them all...

Just found the worst page in the dictionary.

What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

I find oxymorons can be very bittersweet.

"Love is hard to find, hard to keep, and hard to forget."

~Alysha Speer

What is the last little duckling following its mom called?
A Chiropractor.
Why is it called a Chiropractor?
Because it’s the back quacker!

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a real Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.
They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.
On his arm, he has a tattoo that says *REEBOK*
"What's that for?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."
Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says *NIKE*
'What's that ?' the lady questions again.
"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."
Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says *AIDS*
The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"
The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!!
It will read *ADIDAS* in a minute."

“Everyone thinks of changing the world,
but no one thinks of changing himself .”
― Leo Tolstoy

I used to dread walking under horse chestnut trees in the autumn But after therapy.. I've managed to conker it.

“Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words.”

― Robert Frost

People who like trance music are very persistent.

They don't techno for an answer...

What is the best music to play when you go fishing?
Anything so long as it is catchy.

I hate telling friends that I’m a taxidermist. When they ask, “What do you do all day ?” I say you know, stuff !

A documentary made by the flat earth society has been nominated for a Golden Globe.

Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.

HR and I apparently disagree on what "debriefed" means.

My friend works at a rubber dog poop factory.

He'll never get rich, but he makes doo.

«Папа, а почему у нас обыск?» - «Не знаю, сынок! Я, вообще-то, политикой не интересуюсь».

Работники музея восковых скульптур только на третий день поняли, что кассир умер.

I’m not sure I could honestly say I love my cars indicators.
We have an on off sort of relationship to be honest . . .

Went to the shop today to buy some lemons and apples, but they didn’t have any. It was a fruitless trip.

I just read a lengthy and good article on Japanese sword fighting - but I can Samurais it for you.

I applied for a food tester position. I'm hungry to prove myself.

A writer’s heart, a poet’s heart, an artist’s heart, a musician’s heart is always breaking. It is through that broken window that we see the world.
- Alice Walker

I went to see my doctor this morning.
"Someone decided to graffiti my house last night!" I raged.
"So why are you telling me?" he asked.
"I can't understand the writing," I replied, "Was it you?"

She was just a whiskey maker. But I loved her still.

I was walking past a building site today when a man hammering on the roof called me a paranoid weirdo.....in morse code.

The problem with political jokes is that they sometimes get elected...😆

The heart will break,
but broken live on.

When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child... eventually.

My mate keeps taking photos of herself standing beside a boiling kettle...

I think she may have selfie steam issues....

I once gave a guy a lift.
He spent the whole journey talking about his favourite chocolate bar...

It was the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy...

A new kid started working with us at the human cannonball factory today.
He's really keen, plus he's small and light.
I can see him going far!

“Doctor, Every time I go out people start hitting me with sticks”.
“And why do you think that is Mr Piñata?”

I just realized that I haven't done the "Hockey Pokey" in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it's all about.

Q: What has 3 feet and no toes...?
A: a yard stick!!!

"Technique and ability alone do not get you to the top -- it is the willpower that is the most important. This willpower you cannot buy with money or be given by others -- it rises from your heart."
- Junko Tabei

In a restaurant:
Me: I'm not very hungry, I just want something easy.
Server: Maybe the chicken strips for $6?
Me: Maybe it does, but that doesn't help with my hunger.

“The great art of life is sensation, to feel that we exist, even in pain.”
-- Lord Byron

I heard a really good time travel joke tomorrow.

Teacher : Which test can you pass without studying?
Me : COVID-19 test.

An eldery woman goes to the doctor :
-Good morning Doctor, do you recognize me?
-Yes I do, you came last week for a strength problem. I gave you some medicines. Any problem with it?
-Yes indeed... I can't open the box...

Why did the ram run off the cliff?....
He didn’t see the ewe turn.

I’m a really down to earth guy....because, you know, gravity.

Saw a bull caught in an electric fence.

I think it was charging.

I played scrabble with my wife last night.
It's the only way I can get a word in.

What do you call it when a old person rings a doorbell?
Boomerang.

Q: How does a red head walk ?
A: Gingerly.

I know a dentist who doesn’t like tea. Denis.

There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.

A guy asked a girl in a university library:
"Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl replied with a loud voice:
"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said:
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy then responded with a loud voice:
“$500 FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT'S TOO MUCH!”
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy
whispered in her ear:
"I study law, and I know how to screw people".