Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Does the lab technician who has to analyse stool samples enjoy their job, or do they just go through the motions ?

All of my uncles are trained police snipers, unlike my grandpa, who was a committed bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by family.

I've just seen this bloke walking down the street pulling a piece of String.
I asked him "Why are you pulling that piece of String?"
He replied: "Have you ever tried Pushing it!?"

I like jokes about stationery but rulers are where I draw the line.

At the bottom of the Bermuda Triangle is a... wreck tangle.

Кот футболиста никогда не спит клубком.

I’ve just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.

A lorry carrying tinned corned beef collided with a truck load of potatoes causing chaos on the road this morning
A bystander said: I don't know what the traffic police are doing to reopen the road.. But they seem to be making a hash of it.

Евреи и викинги поспорили о вере, ругались, но сошлись во мнении, что сила в Торе.

Увидев падающую звезду, Люся не успела полностью загадать желание, и теперь она всё время хочет.

- Род занятий?
- Занятие оно. Значит, средний.

My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.

I wondered if Noah liked blueberry pies, then I realised he preferred pears.

- Доктор, у меня проблема, я не могу открыться людям.
- Расскажите подробнее.
- Нет.

"If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us."
- Hermann Hesse

My son, a dentist, won the Dentist of The Year Award, but all he got was a little plaque.

What did the pencil say to the other pencil ?
Your looking SHARP today bro !

"Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity or registering wrongs. - life is short."

• Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

I thought about becoming an arborist, but I realised I'd only ever be a branch manager.

Why does a relief map not show where the toilets are??

Why did the Mexican take anxiety medication?
For hispanic attacks.

Being ugly is basically playing life on hard mode.

A man was arrested for stealing lamps, he's expecting a light sentence.

I read a book called The Swimming Pool. It started out rather shallow but had a very deep end.

How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
You poke her face.

Knock, knock.

Who's there.

Broken Pencil.

Broken Pencil who?

Nevermind, it's pointless.

"Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat."

Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No...
Librarian: One day that will work.

У пессимиста давно не было секса.
А у оптимиста был, но давно.

I wondered if Noah liked blueberry pies, then I realised he preferred pears.

- тебе кто-нибудь говорил, что ты классный в сексе?
- нет
- ну и нахрена ты продолжаешь этим заниматься?!

If you want to get noticed,
go jogging without moving your arms

Every time you close a tap after washing your hands you get back some of the germs you left on the tap when you were opening it.

My wife texted me to say that she was leaving me due to my addiction to online poker. So I called her to see if she was bluffing.

— Ахулия! — воскликнул Гамлет.
— Офелия! — поправил зал.

There was a competition for premature ejaculators. Too bad I couldn't come.

Having heard Mambo No. 5, I'm pretty glad I missed the first four.

I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage.
I lost my case.

I hate it when you ask someone if they want sugar in their tea and they say "No. I'm sweet enough,"
and instead of laughing along with them you kill them.

What does a lawyer wear to work? A lawsuit!

What's the heaviest type of T?

Gravity of course...

I would like to lose weight but I hate losing.

Two married friends are out drinking. One says to the other,
"I can never sneak into the house after I've been drinking. I've tried everything. I turn the headlights off before I go in the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off and creep upstairs. I undress in the bathroom. I do everything I can think of, but my wife still yells at me for staying out so late."
The friend replies: "Do what I do. I screech into the driveway, slam the front door, stomp up the stairs, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap my wife's ass and say loudly, 'WHO WANTS TO GET LAID?' She always pretends to be asleep.

Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already.

Men Are From Mars :
Women Are From Venus :
Politicians Are from Uranus ...

- “How far is it from London to Edinburgh?”
- “As the crow flies?”
- *flapping arms “How far is it from London to Edinburgh?”

There's a new British version of Breaking Bad in the works, to fit in with British tastes it's going to be called Baking Bread...

A Dung Beetle walked into a bar and said, "Is this stool taken?"

“If you want to be successful, you must respect one rule: never lie to yourself.”
~ Paolo Coelho

Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger were discussing who they were going to play in the new Hollywood Blockbuster: The Great Composers!
"I wanna be Beethoven," said Stallone.
"I gotta be Mozart," retorted Willis.
"What about you, Arnie?" they asked....

I've got a part time job for a company making rubberised computer keyboards.
They offer flexible shifts.

Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in.

Me: Thanks for reminding me.

The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.

Client:why doesn't the keyboard ever sleep?
Programmer: because it has two shifts.

Never assume the plume of the fume of the legume can be masked with perfume.

My old music teacher never went to the store without her Chopin Liszt.

Хотел объяснить боксёру почему он не прав, но он меня перебил.

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
~ Bernard M. Baruch

Shakespeare walks into a bar!
Landlord says
"Get out ya bard".

The problem with loving an inflatable doll is one little prick and it’s over.

Q: What do you call a group of transgender women?
A: The ex-men.

Не все мечты сбываются: Роман Абрамович мечтал стать учителем, как его мама, но что-то вот не сложилось.

A friend of mine used to live in a lake filled with ducks but he moved out when he got fed up with all the bills.

Every dictionary has at least 1 mistake. It's in the "m" section, after "mist".

I once went for a job interview to be the 4th band member of A-Ha but they refused to take on me...

At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”

He said, “Sorry. There is no Time.”

When I was in college, I was rejected from every fraternity because I was circumcised.

Apparently, you need to be a complete dick.

The last thing my grandfather told me was “It’s worth spending money on good speakers.”

That was some sound advice.

I just bought a computerised wood burner. I’m sending it back though, I can’t log on.

I thought of going to Thailand for a vacation but then I was Phuket I’ll go anyway.

Why do Canadians have such great hair?

Because they have a ton of moose.

Why isn't it called teethpaste?

Someone threw a jar of Mayo at me. I was like “what the Hellman”

Do y‌‌ou e‌‌ver w‌‌ake u‌‌p, k‌‌iss t‌‌he p‌‌erson s‌‌leeping b‌‌eside y‌‌ou a‌‌nd f‌‌eel g‌‌lad t‌‌hat y‌‌ou're a‌‌live?
I j‌‌ust d‌‌id a‌‌nd a‌‌pparently I w‌‌ill n‌‌ot b‌‌e a‌‌llowed o‌‌n t‌‌his a‌‌irline a‌‌gain.

I don't want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping my gas.

My indifference to roses is a thorny issue. I'm not sure what it stems from, but it seems likely I'll be stuck with it.

I'm usually not the type to believe in conspiracy theories, but several people have asked me where I want to buried after I die.
I think it may be a plot.

Never scream into a colander. You'll just end up straining your voice.

A young man went streaking all around a church!
He was finally caught up by the organ.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.