Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.

HR and I apparently disagree on what "debriefed" means.

My friend works at a rubber dog poop factory.

He'll never get rich, but he makes doo.

«Папа, а почему у нас обыск?» - «Не знаю, сынок! Я, вообще-то, политикой не интересуюсь».

Работники музея восковых скульптур только на третий день поняли, что кассир умер.

I’m not sure I could honestly say I love my cars indicators.
We have an on off sort of relationship to be honest . . .

Went to the shop today to buy some lemons and apples, but they didn’t have any. It was a fruitless trip.

I just read a lengthy and good article on Japanese sword fighting - but I can Samurais it for you.

I applied for a food tester position. I'm hungry to prove myself.

A writer’s heart, a poet’s heart, an artist’s heart, a musician’s heart is always breaking. It is through that broken window that we see the world.
- Alice Walker

I went to see my doctor this morning.
"Someone decided to graffiti my house last night!" I raged.
"So why are you telling me?" he asked.
"I can't understand the writing," I replied, "Was it you?"

She was just a whiskey maker. But I loved her still.

I was walking past a building site today when a man hammering on the roof called me a paranoid weirdo.....in morse code.

The problem with political jokes is that they sometimes get elected...😆

The heart will break,
but broken live on.

When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child... eventually.

My mate keeps taking photos of herself standing beside a boiling kettle...

I think she may have selfie steam issues....

I once gave a guy a lift.
He spent the whole journey talking about his favourite chocolate bar...

It was the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy...

A new kid started working with us at the human cannonball factory today.
He's really keen, plus he's small and light.
I can see him going far!

“Doctor, Every time I go out people start hitting me with sticks”.
“And why do you think that is Mr Piñata?”

I just realized that I haven't done the "Hockey Pokey" in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it's all about.

Q: What has 3 feet and no toes...?
A: a yard stick!!!

"Technique and ability alone do not get you to the top -- it is the willpower that is the most important. This willpower you cannot buy with money or be given by others -- it rises from your heart."
- Junko Tabei

In a restaurant:
Me: I'm not very hungry, I just want something easy.
Server: Maybe the chicken strips for $6?
Me: Maybe it does, but that doesn't help with my hunger.

“The great art of life is sensation, to feel that we exist, even in pain.”
-- Lord Byron

I heard a really good time travel joke tomorrow.

Teacher : Which test can you pass without studying?
Me : COVID-19 test.

An eldery woman goes to the doctor :
-Good morning Doctor, do you recognize me?
-Yes I do, you came last week for a strength problem. I gave you some medicines. Any problem with it?
-Yes indeed... I can't open the box...

Why did the ram run off the cliff?....
He didn’t see the ewe turn.

I’m a really down to earth guy....because, you know, gravity.

Saw a bull caught in an electric fence.

I think it was charging.

I played scrabble with my wife last night.
It's the only way I can get a word in.

What do you call it when a old person rings a doorbell?
Boomerang.

Q: How does a red head walk ?
A: Gingerly.

I know a dentist who doesn’t like tea. Denis.

There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.

A guy asked a girl in a university library:
"Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl replied with a loud voice:
"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said:
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy then responded with a loud voice:
“$500 FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT'S TOO MUCH!”
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy
whispered in her ear:
"I study law, and I know how to screw people".

Она была как шампанское - игристая и могла дать в голову...

I asked my Dad “What’s the difference between weight and mass?”
“Well, son. Weight is your size in relation to the Earth’s gravity.
Mass is what Catholics go to Sunday morning.”

If your nose runs,
And your feet smell,
...Are you built upside-down?

I heard there's a great article on this one website, but I haven't 'Reddit' yet.

Experts have confirmed that bowling is officially the quietest sport.
You can hear a pin drop, after all.

“I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.”

By James Baldwin, The Fire Next Time

The Americans pay a check with a bill but the Brits pay a bill with a cheque.

Valentine’s Day was quickly approaching and Little Johnny was anxious to receive and give Valentine cards during his classroom party,.. Mainly because there were two girls he was particularly very fond of. The rest of his class received the usual “store bought” cheap Valentines that read cutesy “Be Mines”,
But he took special care and time in hand-making two special cards for these two sweethearts in his life.
The first read:
Roses are Red, Pickles are Green, I love your legs and what’s in between. I like your style, I like your class, But most of all I love your ass.
And to the other girl he wrote:
* * * Roses are Stupid, Violets are Silly! Bend over Babe ’cause here comes my Willy!

If everything is possible, wouldn’t it be possible for some things to be impossible?

I saw a bloke pushing a shopping trolley up a hill full of horse shoes and rabbit’s feet.
I thought he’s pushing his luck!!

I was in a psychiatric hospital once, visiting. One of the patients recognized me:
“You're Charles Bukowski, aren't you?” he asked.
He read all my books. Maybe that's why he was there.

My aunt married a man whose surname is Body, now I have an
Auntie Body.

Had my luggage torn to pieces, so I asked my lawyer if I could sue the airline. He said, “you don’t have much of a case”.

Remember this:
Time is free, but it's priceless.
You can't own it, but you can use it.
You can't keep it, but you can spend it.
Once you've lost it you can never get it back...

A statistics pun can be considered as mean.

'You go on ahead. I'll catch you up.' is Agatha Christie for 'I'm going to stay here and get murdered.'.

Why are fast yachts like popular furniture stores? Both always seem to have a sail on.

My wife thinks she's a geologist. She's always pointing out my faults.

I was digging for gold and pulled a muscle. No worries, it's just a miner injury.

If someone tells you that you’re ignorant and apathetic, tell them that you don’t know what that means and you don’t care.

I was walking past a couple of street cleaners the other day when I thought... I wonder if they need training for doing that or do they just pick it up as they go along?

It took more than an hour for me to decide which skin cream to buy...
I didn't want to make a rash decision.

Girls get friend zoned too. The only difference is, the guy will still sleep with you.

— Что чувствует человек после смерти?
— То же самое, что он чувствовал до зачатия...

Why did the Tupperware lady escape from jail?

Because they couldn't container.

The wifes just asked me why I'm wrapping my feet in bubble wrap
I said "I'm just popping down to the shops"

Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.

It's a vicious cycle.

What did the sushi roll say to the bee??

Wasabi!!

Everyone has kicked a pregnant woman at least once.

Went to the doctor for a check up. He said I'm terribly sorry I've got some bad news. You only have four minutes to live! I said can't you do anything for me? He said I can boil you an egg.

My missus came home with a Monopoly board under one arm and a Cluedo under the other arm. Her feet were stuck to a Trivial Pursuit and a Chess board. I said to her "Are you on the game?"

Last night, I saw this bloke sneaking around my garden wearing a rugby shirt, golfing slacks, tennis shoes and a pair of goalkeepers gloves.
"Hey, I shouted, what's your game?"

A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. “No, I’m travelling light.”

To survive in water, you don't have to be good at swimming, you just have to be bad at drowning.

The rap artist wasn’t upset about the red stain on his pants because he just dropped a beet.

Кровати — это просто зарядные устройства для людей.

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: A coworker once said "suppos-ably" seven times in a meeting, and I just let her.
St. Peter: Get in here.

There is an advantage when you need to pee really badly. You get to change nationalities. Russian when looking for a bathroom, European when you find one and Finnish after you are all done.

How do you measure a snake?

In inches—they don’t have feet.

Ya gotta have a lot of balls to play golf like me!

I find it interesting that the person who coined the term "coined the term" actually coined the term "coined the term."

“And that's the thing about people who mean everything they say. They think everyone else does too.”
― Khaled Hosseini

I appeared in court this morning.

The Judge was very impressed with my magic trick.