Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

If your nose runs,
And your feet smell,
...Are you built upside-down?

I heard there's a great article on this one website, but I haven't 'Reddit' yet.

Experts have confirmed that bowling is officially the quietest sport.
You can hear a pin drop, after all.

“I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.”

By James Baldwin, The Fire Next Time

The Americans pay a check with a bill but the Brits pay a bill with a cheque.

Valentine’s Day was quickly approaching and Little Johnny was anxious to receive and give Valentine cards during his classroom party,.. Mainly because there were two girls he was particularly very fond of. The rest of his class received the usual “store bought” cheap Valentines that read cutesy “Be Mines”,
But he took special care and time in hand-making two special cards for these two sweethearts in his life.
The first read:
Roses are Red, Pickles are Green, I love your legs and what’s in between. I like your style, I like your class, But most of all I love your ass.
And to the other girl he wrote:
* * * Roses are Stupid, Violets are Silly! Bend over Babe ’cause here comes my Willy!

If everything is possible, wouldn’t it be possible for some things to be impossible?

I saw a bloke pushing a shopping trolley up a hill full of horse shoes and rabbit’s feet.
I thought he’s pushing his luck!!

I was in a psychiatric hospital once, visiting. One of the patients recognized me:
“You're Charles Bukowski, aren't you?” he asked.
He read all my books. Maybe that's why he was there.

My aunt married a man whose surname is Body, now I have an
Auntie Body.

Had my luggage torn to pieces, so I asked my lawyer if I could sue the airline. He said, “you don’t have much of a case”.

Remember this:
Time is free, but it's priceless.
You can't own it, but you can use it.
You can't keep it, but you can spend it.
Once you've lost it you can never get it back...

A statistics pun can be considered as mean.

'You go on ahead. I'll catch you up.' is Agatha Christie for 'I'm going to stay here and get murdered.'.

Why are fast yachts like popular furniture stores? Both always seem to have a sail on.

My wife thinks she's a geologist. She's always pointing out my faults.

I was digging for gold and pulled a muscle. No worries, it's just a miner injury.

If someone tells you that you’re ignorant and apathetic, tell them that you don’t know what that means and you don’t care.

I was walking past a couple of street cleaners the other day when I thought... I wonder if they need training for doing that or do they just pick it up as they go along?

It took more than an hour for me to decide which skin cream to buy...
I didn't want to make a rash decision.

Girls get friend zoned too. The only difference is, the guy will still sleep with you.

— Что чувствует человек после смерти?
— То же самое, что он чувствовал до зачатия...

Why did the Tupperware lady escape from jail?

Because they couldn't container.

The wifes just asked me why I'm wrapping my feet in bubble wrap
I said "I'm just popping down to the shops"

Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.

It's a vicious cycle.

What did the sushi roll say to the bee??

Wasabi!!

Everyone has kicked a pregnant woman at least once.

Went to the doctor for a check up. He said I'm terribly sorry I've got some bad news. You only have four minutes to live! I said can't you do anything for me? He said I can boil you an egg.

My missus came home with a Monopoly board under one arm and a Cluedo under the other arm. Her feet were stuck to a Trivial Pursuit and a Chess board. I said to her "Are you on the game?"

Last night, I saw this bloke sneaking around my garden wearing a rugby shirt, golfing slacks, tennis shoes and a pair of goalkeepers gloves.
"Hey, I shouted, what's your game?"

A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. “No, I’m travelling light.”

To survive in water, you don't have to be good at swimming, you just have to be bad at drowning.

The rap artist wasn’t upset about the red stain on his pants because he just dropped a beet.

Кровати — это просто зарядные устройства для людей.

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: A coworker once said "suppos-ably" seven times in a meeting, and I just let her.
St. Peter: Get in here.

There is an advantage when you need to pee really badly. You get to change nationalities. Russian when looking for a bathroom, European when you find one and Finnish after you are all done.

How do you measure a snake?

In inches—they don’t have feet.

Ya gotta have a lot of balls to play golf like me!

I find it interesting that the person who coined the term "coined the term" actually coined the term "coined the term."

“And that's the thing about people who mean everything they say. They think everyone else does too.”
― Khaled Hosseini

I appeared in court this morning.

The Judge was very impressed with my magic trick.

Do infants enjoy the infantry as much as adults do adultery?

* Knock, knock*

- Who's there?
- Pete Townsend and Roger Daltrey
- The Who?!

“Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.”

— William Shakespeare

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill. Tomorrow my goal is to turn it on…

My wife thinks I'm crazy.
But I'm not the one
that married me!!

Sex so good I wanted to text her man and tell him how lucky he is to have her.

- Извините за опоздание, Соломон Маркович, но я не приду.

I went to fish restaurant recently and ordered the Octopus.
The waiter said: "It takes 4 hours to cook."
I said: "Why?"
He said: "Because it keeps turning the gas off."

Saw an owl having a game of chess with a bird with a big beak. I thought “toucan play that game.”

Chap sees an swan in the cinema. He says “are you a swan?” “Yes” comes the answer. “What are you doing here?” “Well, I liked the book”.

I met an Olympic Athlete and asked him “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He said, No, I’m German but how did you know my name was Valter?

A young child was looking at The Bible he found in the family bookshelf.
He started reading it from the beginning when all of a sudden an.old pressed leaf fell out from The Bible.
He shouted "Mum, look what I've found?"
His Mum said "what have you found dear?"
He replied in shock "I've found Adam's underwear".

Knock knock
Who’s there ?
Amos
Amos who?
A mosquito
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Ana
Ana who?
Anada mosquito

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

My friend Tony told me please don't say my name backwards.
I said Y not?

A guy threw a light bulb and it broke.
It wasn't a bright idea..

Does the lab technician who has to analyse stool samples enjoy their job, or do they just go through the motions ?

All of my uncles are trained police snipers, unlike my grandpa, who was a committed bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by family.

I've just seen this bloke walking down the street pulling a piece of String.
I asked him "Why are you pulling that piece of String?"
He replied: "Have you ever tried Pushing it!?"

I like jokes about stationery but rulers are where I draw the line.

At the bottom of the Bermuda Triangle is a... wreck tangle.

Кот футболиста никогда не спит клубком.

I’ve just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.

A lorry carrying tinned corned beef collided with a truck load of potatoes causing chaos on the road this morning
A bystander said: I don't know what the traffic police are doing to reopen the road.. But they seem to be making a hash of it.

Евреи и викинги поспорили о вере, ругались, но сошлись во мнении, что сила в Торе.

Увидев падающую звезду, Люся не успела полностью загадать желание, и теперь она всё время хочет.

- Род занятий?
- Занятие оно. Значит, средний.

My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.

I wondered if Noah liked blueberry pies, then I realised he preferred pears.

- Доктор, у меня проблема, я не могу открыться людям.
- Расскажите подробнее.
- Нет.

"If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us."
- Hermann Hesse

My son, a dentist, won the Dentist of The Year Award, but all he got was a little plaque.

What did the pencil say to the other pencil ?
Your looking SHARP today bro !

"Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity or registering wrongs. - life is short."

• Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

I thought about becoming an arborist, but I realised I'd only ever be a branch manager.

Why does a relief map not show where the toilets are??

Why did the Mexican take anxiety medication?
For hispanic attacks.

Being ugly is basically playing life on hard mode.

A man was arrested for stealing lamps, he's expecting a light sentence.