Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Why should you never trust a pig with a secret?

Because it's bound to squeal.

There's a nudist convention happening tomorrow via Zoom.

I might join it if I've got nothing on.

— Изя, Ротенберг заявил, что дворец его.
— Я так и знал, что, как и всегда, еврей окажется крайним!

If you don’t look back in Life and think you were an idiot, then you’re probably still an idiot.

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer."

~Albert Camus

I’m so old ...
I’ve stopped buying green bananas.

Salesman,
Would you like to buy a pocket calculator?
Man, No thanks,
I already know how many
pockets I have.

I never pay up on time. I pro cash tinate

"How did you get on at that faith healing group last night?”

“He was absolute rubbish! Even the fella in the wheelchair got up and walked out”.

First time I saw a dry erase board I said that "remarkable".

Worst job I had was ironing cowboy shirts. Howdy pressing.

Women dating younger men are called "Cougars". Men dating younger women are called "Rich".

I held up my clock to a mirror. It was time for reflection.

Сначала сами дарят врачам бутылочку-другую в знак благодарности, а потом удивляются, что у врачей почерк неразборчивый!

Boy : "Dad, could you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
Dad : "No sun".

My missus is leaving me because of my obsession with TV Police dramas...

For the benefit of the tape, she just left the room!

If you listen to a UNIX shell, can you hear the C?

You feel broken?
Well, dragons can't blow their own birthday candle.

There was a tap on my door this morning,
I really must get a new plumber.

A friend has bought an old aircraft, taken the wings off, and turned it into a restaurant beside the airport terminal.

I don't think it will take off.

English: newbie
Mandarin: 牛逼 niúbī - fucking awesome

My mate and I are having an electrical-cable stripping competition.

It's going right down to the wire.

The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet.
~Aristotle

I've just got first place in the ‘ Worlds Biggest Liar ‘ competition
Well, I actually came 12th.
To be honest, there wasn't even a competition.

Little children who fail their coloring test need a shoulder to crayon.

Today I received a letter from the electric company addressed to current resident.

Полиция не смогла поймать дворника, ограбившего магазин. Он хорошо замёл следы.

So what if I can't spell armurgegin.

It's not the end of the world.

My friend says I take things too literally.

Which is strange because I haven't taken anything from anyone recently.

Палиндром « А роза упала на лапу Азора»
знают все, а вот « Оголи жопу пожилого» - только в Пенсионном фонде РФ.

"Words are easy, like the wind; Faithful friends are hard to find."

~William Shakespeare

The stitches on my pants are unraveling. It’s not what it seams. 🤷🏻‍♂️

A man walks into a hardware shop and says One mousetrap please,
and can you hurry?
I have to catch a bus,
Sorry, says the sales assistance,
But our traps aren't that big.

I hate tacos, said no Juan ever.

Really annoys me when people don't finish their

"What matters most
is how well you walk
through the fire”

-Charles Bukowski.

Living on a prayer is my favorite karaoke song, but when I try to hit the high notes...

...I only make it half way there.

Я уступаю женщинам место, говоря им: "Садитесь" - где бы я ни был.
Но не потому, что я вежливый, а потому, что люблю указывать, что им делать.

"Lo imposible solo existe en el mundo de los incapaces."

- Как ты относишься к бедным людям?
- Напрямую.

I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.

Everyone was excited at the autopsy club.
It was open Mike night.

I never wanted to make a Pun about Parts of the body but Ear Eye Arm.

What do you call a really big ant?
A giANT.

How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One.

I'm helping put together a good fishing TV show.
At the moment we're concentrating on getting the Cast right.

Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA...
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!

She had a wonderful photographic memory but never developed it.

Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.

I used to live in a tire, but it got a puncture. Now I just live in a flat.

Tried dating a chemist once. It was so hard to vent problems to him cuz...
He was solution oriented.

Feeling pretty good.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now.
Cap’n in the morning and Nestles in the afternoon.

My brother owns a successful business that sells prosthetic limbs all over the world.

He’s an international arms dealer.

- Я сегодня не выспался...
- А причина?
- Причина тоже не выспалась...

My boss calls me "the computer" Nothing to do with intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

What’s the difference between marmelade and jam?
I only know how to spell Jam.

A friend gave me a book on getting organized, but I have no idea where I put it.

Does anyone have a cure for sex addiction?
I've tried fucking everything!

- ¿Porque golpeas a ese maniquí?
-Es que odio a la gente falsa.

I spotted a lion at the zoo the other day. He looks like a leopard now.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
The boss snuck out early, so I left too.

If every person on Earth blinked at the same time, nobody would ever find out.

A little boy ran up to me and said, "Please help. My Dad is in a fight."

I followed the boy when we came across two men fighting. I said to the boy, "Ok, which one is your Dad?"

"I dunno," he said. "That's what they're fighting about!"

Does a railway worker have to be trained?

There is too much apathy in the world....but then again who cares?.

Q: Are you a fan of Drake?

A: No, I'm his air conditioner.

Soda machines are coiniverous

The national orchestra of Bermuda has a unique problem. The musician that plays the triangle keeps disappearing.

Some say heaven is non-physical...but does it really matter?

"…happiness [is] but the occasional episode in a general drama of pain."

By Thomas Hardy, The Mayor of Casterbridge

My wife is divorcing me due to my obsession with goats.

I don't care about her, but I'll miss the kids.

Fun Fact!
Did you know that 3.14%
of all sailors are pirates?

One Dude: How often do you like jokes about elements?
The Other Dude: Periodically...

My boss has just appointed me as his sexual adviser...
He said, "When I want your fucking advice, I'll ask for it!"

I once asked a priest “where do you get all your holy water from?”
He replied “I just fill the kettle up and boil the hell out of it!”.

I was hoping that reading the horoscopes would bring my girlfriend and I closer together, but in the end it Taurus apart.

I just wanna be rich enough to throw leftovers away after dinner instead of putting them in Tupperware and throwing them away a week later.

Where do police officers eat dinner?
Arrestaurant.

It's been a weird day.
First I find a hat full of money, then get chased by some guy with a guitar.

I keep imagining I'm holding an invisible pack of cards.
No one knows what I'm dealing with.