Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I once went for a job interview to be the 4th band member of A-Ha but they refused to take on me...

At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”

He said, “Sorry. There is no Time.”

When I was in college, I was rejected from every fraternity because I was circumcised.

Apparently, you need to be a complete dick.

The last thing my grandfather told me was “It’s worth spending money on good speakers.”

That was some sound advice.

I just bought a computerised wood burner. I’m sending it back though, I can’t log on.

I thought of going to Thailand for a vacation but then I was Phuket I’ll go anyway.

Why do Canadians have such great hair?

Because they have a ton of moose.

Why isn't it called teethpaste?

Someone threw a jar of Mayo at me. I was like “what the Hellman”

Do y‌‌ou e‌‌ver w‌‌ake u‌‌p, k‌‌iss t‌‌he p‌‌erson s‌‌leeping b‌‌eside y‌‌ou a‌‌nd f‌‌eel g‌‌lad t‌‌hat y‌‌ou're a‌‌live?
I j‌‌ust d‌‌id a‌‌nd a‌‌pparently I w‌‌ill n‌‌ot b‌‌e a‌‌llowed o‌‌n t‌‌his a‌‌irline a‌‌gain.

I don't want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping my gas.

My indifference to roses is a thorny issue. I'm not sure what it stems from, but it seems likely I'll be stuck with it.

I'm usually not the type to believe in conspiracy theories, but several people have asked me where I want to buried after I die.
I think it may be a plot.

Never scream into a colander. You'll just end up straining your voice.

A young man went streaking all around a church!
He was finally caught up by the organ.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

Всё-таки в засушивании винограда есть своя изюминка.

What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator?
Close the door - I’m dressing!

Where did Saddam Hussein keep his CDs?

In Iraq 👊

A cob walks into a bar... never mind, this joke is corny.

Why did the cat cross the road?
Because the chicken had a laser pointer 🙄

I was asked in an interview, "describe yourself in a nutshell"

Me: "well it's very dark and cramped"

Old shoppers never die.
They just sale away.

"Can I have a pack of condoms?" I asked the chemist.

"A small box?" he asked.

"I hope so!"

- М-м-м, меня так заводят эти чулки!
- Не спеши, сейчас я в них еще лука напихаю.

Are hyenas much taller than ordinary enas ?.....

An Older Man had met a Younger Woman, but unfortunately he was unable to last very long before he would Orgasm during Sex.

A caring Man, he was concerned that he was disappointing his New Lover, so he called his Doctor for advice...???

The Doc told him that masturbating before Sex, often helped Men last longer during the Act. The Man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it..??

He couldn't do it in his Office. He thought about the Toilets or Restroom, but that was too open.

He considered an Alleyway, but figured that was too Unsafe.

Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his Truck over on the side of the Highway.

He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the Truck..??

Satisfied with the Privacy, he undid his Pants and started to Masturbate.

He Closed his Eyes and thought of his Lover.

As he grew closer to Orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his Pants.

Not wanting to lose his Mental Fantasy or the Orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "WHAT"..?!?!? In a stern voice.

He heard, "This is the Police. What the Hell are you Doing"..???

The Man replied, "I'm checking out the Rear Axle, it's Noisy, could be Busted."

The Cop says,

*

"Well, you better check your Brakes too, because your Truck rolled away, down the Hill, 5 minutes ago.😂

1. Выходишь из зоны комфорта, чтобы изменить жизнь.
2. Ничего не меняется, но теперь ещё и не комфортно.

Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.

Мы с женой развелись и поделили квартиру на две части. Мне досталась часть снаружи.

Why should you never trust a pig with a secret?

Because it's bound to squeal.

There's a nudist convention happening tomorrow via Zoom.

I might join it if I've got nothing on.

— Изя, Ротенберг заявил, что дворец его.
— Я так и знал, что, как и всегда, еврей окажется крайним!

If you don’t look back in Life and think you were an idiot, then you’re probably still an idiot.

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer."

~Albert Camus

I’m so old ...
I’ve stopped buying green bananas.

Salesman,
Would you like to buy a pocket calculator?
Man, No thanks,
I already know how many
pockets I have.

I never pay up on time. I pro cash tinate

"How did you get on at that faith healing group last night?”

“He was absolute rubbish! Even the fella in the wheelchair got up and walked out”.

First time I saw a dry erase board I said that "remarkable".

Worst job I had was ironing cowboy shirts. Howdy pressing.

Women dating younger men are called "Cougars". Men dating younger women are called "Rich".

I held up my clock to a mirror. It was time for reflection.

Сначала сами дарят врачам бутылочку-другую в знак благодарности, а потом удивляются, что у врачей почерк неразборчивый!

Boy : "Dad, could you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
Dad : "No sun".

My missus is leaving me because of my obsession with TV Police dramas...

For the benefit of the tape, she just left the room!

If you listen to a UNIX shell, can you hear the C?

You feel broken?
Well, dragons can't blow their own birthday candle.

There was a tap on my door this morning,
I really must get a new plumber.

A friend has bought an old aircraft, taken the wings off, and turned it into a restaurant beside the airport terminal.

I don't think it will take off.

English: newbie
Mandarin: 牛逼 niúbī - fucking awesome

My mate and I are having an electrical-cable stripping competition.

It's going right down to the wire.

The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet.
~Aristotle

I've just got first place in the ‘ Worlds Biggest Liar ‘ competition
Well, I actually came 12th.
To be honest, there wasn't even a competition.

Little children who fail their coloring test need a shoulder to crayon.

Today I received a letter from the electric company addressed to current resident.

Полиция не смогла поймать дворника, ограбившего магазин. Он хорошо замёл следы.

So what if I can't spell armurgegin.

It's not the end of the world.

My friend says I take things too literally.

Which is strange because I haven't taken anything from anyone recently.

Палиндром « А роза упала на лапу Азора»
знают все, а вот « Оголи жопу пожилого» - только в Пенсионном фонде РФ.

"Words are easy, like the wind; Faithful friends are hard to find."

~William Shakespeare

The stitches on my pants are unraveling. It’s not what it seams. 🤷🏻‍♂️

A man walks into a hardware shop and says One mousetrap please,
and can you hurry?
I have to catch a bus,
Sorry, says the sales assistance,
But our traps aren't that big.

I hate tacos, said no Juan ever.

Really annoys me when people don't finish their

"What matters most
is how well you walk
through the fire”

-Charles Bukowski.

Living on a prayer is my favorite karaoke song, but when I try to hit the high notes...

...I only make it half way there.

Я уступаю женщинам место, говоря им: "Садитесь" - где бы я ни был.
Но не потому, что я вежливый, а потому, что люблю указывать, что им делать.

"Lo imposible solo existe en el mundo de los incapaces."

- Как ты относишься к бедным людям?
- Напрямую.

I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.

Everyone was excited at the autopsy club.
It was open Mike night.

I never wanted to make a Pun about Parts of the body but Ear Eye Arm.

What do you call a really big ant?
A giANT.

How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One.

I'm helping put together a good fishing TV show.
At the moment we're concentrating on getting the Cast right.

Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA...
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!

She had a wonderful photographic memory but never developed it.

Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.

I used to live in a tire, but it got a puncture. Now I just live in a flat.