Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Want to hear a joke about construction?
I'm still working on it!

Начальник российской военной академии читал лекцию о потенциальных проблемах и военной стратегии. В конце лекции он спросил, есть ли какие-то вопросы.
Один из офицеров встал и спросил:
— Будет ли Третья мировая война?
— Да, — ответил генерал.
— Примет ли Россия в ней участие?
— Да, — снова ответил генерал.
Другой офицер спросил:
— Кто будет нашим врагом?
Генерал подумал и сказал:
— Все указывает на то, что это будет Китай.
В аудитории все были шокированы.
Третий офицер спросил:
— Но у нас всего 140 миллионов человек по сравнению с полутора миллиардами китайцев. Мы имеем шансы на победу, да и вообще на выживание?
Генерал походил из стороны в сторону и сказал:
— В современной войне не количество солдат определяет победу, а качество и умение использовать армейские возможности. Для примера, на Ближнем Востоке мы относительно недавно наблюдали несколько войн, где 5 миллионов евреев воевали против 150 миллионов арабов, и Израиль всегда побеждал.
После короткой паузы ещё один офицер, сидящий в задних рядах, спросил:
— А у нас достаточно евреев?

To clear up the Moody Blues lyric,
does anyone know what the knights in white sat in?

What do you call a cow walking backward ?
Moo walking.

Don't ever give up!...
Unless it's laundry day...
Then you can throw in the towel...

A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern...

I lost my pet mouse Elvis the other night. He was caught in a trap.

Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me.
Luckily my injuries are only super fish oil.

How can you tell a vampire has a cold?
They start coffin.

What did the teacher do when his student wrote a report on the history of cheese?

He grated it.

I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center.
I will call it “Pick Your Nose”.

I made some puns on Greek Gods..
My Apollogies.

What do you call a spooky burrito ?

A boo-rito.

Why do astronauts use linux?

because you can't open windows in space.

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up a banjo!

“If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me.”

— W. H. Auden, The More Loving One

He was always making up stories so when he told me that he has 7 brothers named "Angus", I told him that is a lot of bull.

“The important thing was to love rather than be loved”

– W. Somerset Maugham, Of Human Bondage

What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?
Nothing. He was gladiator.

Planning to start a jewellery business. If you want to help, give me a ring.

I was talking to a pregnant women in the doctors yesterday I said "what do you hope it is" she said "my husbands".

I saw a sign in the shopping centre today "Dogs must be carried on the escalator" It took me over an hour to find one, what a stupid rule!!!

“I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself.”

– Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

Wife:is my phone around?
Me: no, its rectangular.

My girlfriend wrote on a balloon, "Will you propose to me?"
I immediately popped the question.

I was gonna try cannibalism, but I gave up when I got cold feet.

Fortune-tellers are so easy
to buy clothes for...
They're all mediums.

Wanna know the secret of success?
Two simple rules:
1. Never tell them everything you know.

Here are the three ways you can help improve your memory
1. Don’t forget

A girl asks her lover,
If we get engaged will you give me a ring? Of course, He says,
What's your phone number?

What's one thing you can always count on?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A calculator. 😁

Kuchisabishii (mouth lonely, Japanese) - when youre not hungry but you eat because your mouth is lonely 😋

The Main difference between a horror novel, and a graveyard? One has more plots.

Why is 4 o'clock in the morning the best time to cook sweet potatoes?
Because it is for a yam!

I wrote a book about all the things that I ought to do before I die. I call it "My Oughtabiography."

Doctor asked me why I thought I had Ulcers.

I said: I don't know, it's just a gut feeling.

I can’t stop eating Dostoevsky novels. I’m a glutton for Crime and Punishment.

Как сказать человеку, что он дурак, чтоб при этом не обидеть?
"Да на таких, как вы, государство держится!".

My laptop is missing a key. I lost ctrl.

Helpful Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.

My dad always said I loved alphabet soup growing up.
But really it was just him putting words in my mouth.

Whenever I’m sad I just read my blood donor ID.
It always says “B positive”.

At the end of the age when all the believers were standing in line waiting to get into heaven, God appeared and said, "I want all the men to form two lines.
One line will be for the men who were the true heads of their households.
The other will be for the men who were dominated by their wives."
God continued, "I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
The women left and the men formed two lines...
The line of men who were dominated by their wives was seemingly unending.
The line of men who were the true head of their household had one man in it.
God said to the first line, "You men ought to be ashamed of yourselves.
I appointed you to be the heads of your households and you were disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose.
Of all of you, there is only one man who obeyed me. Learn from him."
Then God turned to the lone man and asked, "How did you come to be in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS
1. The fattest knight at King Arthurs round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here; I'll go on a head.
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says Dam!
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron. The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

There are two types of people in the world: those who need closure and

My girl left me because I wear a different shirt every hour. I asked her to stay and promised I'd change.

"Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant."
-Robert Louis Stevenson

I stepped on a cupcake then an ice cream sandwich then a fruit cake. The street was deserted.

— Мужчина, и таки шо вы от мине хочете?
— Мадам, таки ничего я от вас не хочу!
— Тогда давайте перейдем к моим желаниям.

"Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard are sweeter."
-- John Keats

The key thing that stopped me being a water polo champion was that my horse couldn’t swim.

In Iceland it is illegal to walking your Dog naked, that also goes for Tesco and Asda.

Just found out the bus shelter round the corner from me has been stolen.
Honestly where do these people get off?

I've just started an online engraving course...
There's so much to learn though and so far we've hardly scratched the surface.

My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.

Why did the blind man cross the road ?
Because he was following his seeing eye chicken.

Mushroom walked into a bar and ordered a drink, the bar tender said we don't serve your kind, the mushroom said "why, I'm a fun guy"

Thai people are like a box of assorted chocolates, You never know which ones have nuts..

In democracy your vote counts.
But in feudalism, your Count votes.

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

Just finished reading a book on Lubricants.

It was non-friction.

Gravity

It’s not just a good idea... it’s the law.

Had to fire the guy that mows my yard..
He just wasn’t cutting it.

People who go rock climbing: you know you don't have to, right?

HR and I apparently disagree on what "debriefed" means.

"We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess."
- Mark Twain's Autobiography;

Be the reason someone smiles today.
Or the reason they drink.
You choose your own adventure.

It’s ok if you want to correct my grammar. I won’t think any fewer of you.

Lying in bed last night when my wife screamed I was an idiot, who needed go back to school.
Seriously, I forgot to pick up our 8 year old son.

I just got fired from the pickle factory for sticking my finger in the pickle slicer....
Well she got fired too.

My vagina’s name is Little Richard because she tastes Tutti Fruitti and hates Lil Dick.

"Our memory is a more perfect world than the universe: it gives back life to those who no longer exist."
— Guy de Maupassant

How does a computer get drunk?
It takes screen shots.

My local Council have insisted I remove the electric fence around my property...

Just because my neighbour is dead against it!

My wife and I are the perfect couple.
I have a 9 inch penis,
And she doesn't know which way to hold a ruler.

Here are some genuine aptronyms (a person's name that is regarded as amusingly appropriate to their occupation)

Alan Ball, English footballer who played in England's 1966 World Cup winning team.
Anna Smashnova, tennis player.
Billy Drummond, American jazz drummer.
Bob Flowerdew, gardener and Gardeners' Question Time panellist.
Bob Rock, rock music producer, including Metallica and Bon Jovi.
Brenda Song, singer.
Cecil Fielder and his son Prince Fielder, baseball players.
Jaime Gold winner of 2006 World Series of Poker
Chuck Long, former NFL quarterback for the Detroit Lions and the Los Angeles Rams.
Henry Head, an English neurologist.
Igor Judge, Lord Chief Justice of England and Wales .
Learned Hand, judge.
Lord Brain, neurologist.
Marc Rich, billionaire financier.
Margaret Court, tennis player.
Margaret Spellings, Education Secretary under George W. Bush.
Peter Bowler, cricketer who was, in fact, primarily a batsman.
Pippa Greenwood, plant pathologist and "Gardeners' Question Time" panellist in the UK.
Scott Free a defence attorney.
Thomas Crapper, manufacturer of Victorian toilets. Please note that the word "crap" predates Mr Crapper.] .
Tiger Woods, golfer [A wood is a type of golf club].
Usain Bolt, Jamaican sprinter, Olympic Gold medalist, 100m and 200m world record holder.
William Wordsworth, poet.

Fun game for parents:
Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.

I really need a fan in my room. Not a big one, just a little one who can cheer me on and support me whenever I need it.

Before the crowbar was invented, crows just drank at home.

Store policy: You break it you buy it.

Cat policy: you by it you break it.