Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I got a rapid test this morning and I am NOT rapid.

I was going to start an 'Apathy Anonymous' group, but why bother?

"I've just built a model of Mount Everest."
"Is it to scale?"
"No, just to look at."

'To the world you might be one person,
but to one person, you might be the world.
Kindness is the golden chain by which
our world is bound together."
• Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Give a man a mask
and he’ll tell you
the truth.
—Oscar Wilde

Someone has collapsed on the luggage carousel at Heathrow Airport.
Medics at the scene report they are coming round slowly.

- : I’ve just auditioned for Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
- : Did you get the part?
- : I don’t know, but I’m on the shortlist.

Bought a new shrub trimmer today! I proudly it showed my son, "Check this out!"
He replied, "That's great, dad." I said..."It's cutting hedge technology!"

Мужик пошел в женский туалет за шестнадцатилетней девочкой, аргументируя тем, что он женщина. Папа девочки выбил ему зуб, аргументируя тем, что он зубная фея.

El errar es humano, perdonar, divino.

Those without sin cannot be divided by the length of the hypotenuse!

"What's the wifi password?"
"snowwhiteandthesevendwarfs"
"Why is the password so long?"
"It said it requires 8 characters..."

Whenever someone tells me they missed me, I tell them it's because they can't aim.

Never say a lion is lyin; you could hurt his pride.

My girlfriend tried to persuade me to have sex with her on the hood of her Honda Civic. I refused. If I'm going to have sex with her, it's going to be on my own Accord!

Mail delivered in a car is a shipment.
Mail delivered on a ship it's called a cargo.

The word "suns" upside down is still "suns".

Finally my winter fat has gone...

Now, I have spring rolls.

It appears that people are choosing to switch to chair height toilets. Yep, everybody's do-in' the low com-mode shun.

I went for an interview on a building site today.
The foreman asked me: "Can you make tea?"
I said "Yes!"
He then asked: "Can you drive a forklift?"
I replied: "Why? How big's the kettle?"

“And sometimes I have kept my feelings to myself, because I could find no language to describe them in.”

~ Jane Austen, Sense and Sensibility.

My superpower is making people laugh... which would be great if I was trying to be funny.

I really shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night... Especially since I walked there.

Did you hear about the giant that threw up?
No?
Why it's all over town!

What's the difference between pink and purple?

My grip.

A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn't kill the dinosaurs.
I've been to the museum.
It's obvious they starved to death.

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and burn them...

I did that, and feel much better, but I am wondering, do I keep the letters?

Sometimes you have to hug the people you don't like so you know how big to dig the hole in your backyard.

I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.

Звонок в дверь. Маленький Моня Рабинович впускает гостя и кричит сестре:
- Циля, иди сюда, это твоя синица в руках!

—Amor hoy estás mas bonita que nunca
—¿Por?
—CHINGA TU MADRE PENDEJA, PARA TODO QUIERES EXPLICACIONES, ÉSTAS BONITA Y YA, NO ESTES CHINGANDO.

Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life.
Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.

I went into a bar in Spain & there was a huge bulls head on the wall.
I said: "That must have been a big bull?"
The barman said: "That bull killed my grandfather"
I said: "Was he a bullfighter?"
He said: "No. He was playing draughts over there and it fell on him!".

At a job interview:

"What are your strengths?"

"I'm an optimist and a positive thinker."

"Can you give me an example?"

"Yes, when do I start?"

– Доктор, у меня хорошее настроение, я хочу ходить по кафешкам, барам, магазинам и покупать всё, что мне нравится! Что со мной?
– Это у вас зарплата. Это пройдёт!

What do you call a man with 4 planks of wood on his head?
I don't know but Edward Woodward would.

I heard if you push the accelerator and brake pedal at the same time your car takes a screenshot.

As part of our Chemistry coursework, everyone in my class had to create a glue strong enough to stick a wooden chair to the wall. The teacher said my effort was the best.
I nailed it.

Would an obsession with the imperial measurement system be considered a foot fetish?

"Love, the poet said, is woman's whole existence."
• Virginia Woolf

"You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it."
~ Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.

Shouldn't Henry Ford have written an auto-biography?

An untalented gymnast walks into a bar..

I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.

The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single fucking one of them.

I'm currently making some changes in my life, and if you don't hear from me, then you're one of them.

A man is out walking his dog when the Liverpool score comes in, 3-2 to Man Utd. The dog bares his teeth, growls & goes into a frenzied rage.

A passer by see this & asks, "Jesus what does the dog do if Liverpool win?"

"I don’t know," says the man. "I've only had it since Xmas!"

me: do you want Rice Krispies or Corn Flakes?

Tori Amos: what do you think?

Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of a giant's fingers.

A guy lost one of the digits on his foot. His girlfriend dumped him, because she was lack-toes intolerant.

Whats fuzzy, green, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
A pool table.

Had a nice, relaxing weekend. I now have ample energy to hate Monday and most of Tuesday.

Recently joined a dating group for pyromaniacs.

Got a match straight away...

You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a regular pigeon.

Most appliances use a Linux based OS.

But washing machines have windows.

You know what's odd?

Numbers you can't divide by two.

"To love or have loved, that is enough. Ask nothing further. There is no other pearl to be found in the dark folds of life."

• Thomas Jefferson

My friend told me he thought I was delusional.

I nearly fell off my unicorn.

Why do trees hate riddles?

Because they’re easily stumped

What does Mickey Mouse's girlfriend drive?
A Minnie Cooper.......

There's one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk.

Up.

True love doesn't care about the look or size of your wallet, it's all about what's inside... the wallet.

“Life is a journey that must be traveled no matter how bad the roads and accommodations.”

– Oliver Goldsmith

I started a nightclub for men with erectile dysfunction.

It was a total flop... and nobody came.

I've decided I'm not going to focus on my past anymore. So, if I owe you money, I'm sorry.

At the bank I told the cashier “ I’d like to open a joint account”.. “ with who?” she asked...” with whoever has lots of money” ☺️

I always call a spade a spade, until about 10 minutes ago when I tripped over one in the garden!

Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.

My mate asked, "Do you like Erasure?"

I replied, "Oooh sometimes!"

I don't like French pancakes. They give me the crepes.

What's red and green, and goes 100 mph?
Frog in a blender.

I was eating some alphabeti spaghetti on a yacht and discovered the seven Cs.

I once dated a girl who owned a parrot.
The thing would never shut the fuck up.
The parrot was cool though.

“It takes a great deal of history to produce a little literature.”
~ Henry James

Last night I read War and Peace in 20 seconds.
I know it's only three words, but it's a start.

Whoever sneaked the 's' in "fast food" was a real clever man!!

Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.