Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I changed my computer password to 'Alcatraz' and now the 'Esc' button won't work...

Чтобы не перепутать, бабушка одного котенка назвала Барсик, а второго утопила.

My wife is leaving me to go to Vegas. She claims she can get £1000 a night for what she does for me for nothing...
I'm going too. I want to see how she lives on £2000 a year!

What do you call a camel with three humps?
.
.
.
.
.
.
Pregnant!

What happened to the guy that was addicted to bar soap?
He cleaned himself up.

Her: "Undress me with your words."
Me: "I saw a spider in your bra."

What happens if you give a politician viagra??

He gets taller.

Me: "Doctor you've got to help me. I'm addicted to twitter."

Doctor: "I don't follow you."

What is a Linux user's favorite game?

sudo ku.

Did you know they’re artificially inseminating cows these days...no bull.

what do bees eat for lunch? hum burgers.

Roses are red. Violets
are blue. I'm using my
hand but I'm thinking
of you.

Everything I like is either expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.

Why doesn’t James Bond fart in bed?

Because it would blow his cover...

Me and my mate have just been fighting over which is the best vowel.
I won.

Job Interviewer: Please tell us why you’d love to work for us?

Me: I need money.

- Все беременеют, а я никак не могу забеременеть.
- Серёжа, ну, значит, не твоё это.

I like taking pictures of myself in the shower, but they always come out too blurry.

I think I may have selfie steam issues...

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

"My name will live forever!"
- Anonymous.

I hear it’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.

The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.

"Friendship may, and often does, grow into love, but love never subsides into friendship."

By Lord Byron

“Did you know that a school of piranhas can rip a child apart in 30 seconds. ..... btw I lost my job at the aquarium today “

My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.

A guy told me to buy shares in a company that makes alcohol from apples. He's been done for in-cider trading...

Two peanuts walked into a bar, one was assaulted.

I bought A LOT of classical music yesterday...

...I went on a Chopin spree!

It's amazing how fast employees at the hardware store are willing to help after you try starting a chainsaw.

“Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears.”
— Les Brown

After going to the trouble of buying dinner for two, wine, flowers and chocolate, I would have thought that getting a blowjob would be the least I could expect...

Apparently not, and the checkout girl even called the manager!

Бар. Влетает крутой ковбой. Заказывает двойной виски.
Выпивает залпом, ставит на стол стакан и со словами:
- А ты не пизди! - вмазывает в морду мужику, сидящему рядом.
После чего выбегает из бара.
Влетает второй крутой ковбой. Заказывает двойной виски.
Выпивает залпом, ставит на стол стакан и со словами:
- А ты не пизди!- вмазывает в морду тому же мужику, сидящему рядом.
После чего выбегает из бара.
Влетает крутой ковбой. Заказывает также двойной виски.
Картина повторяется. Мужик, которому попадало, встает, надевает шляпу и, направляясь к выходу, произносит:
- Что-то я сегодня распизделся.

Dear mathematics. Stop asking to find your x. She has a new boyfriend.

"Books are the mirrors of the soul."
~Virginia Woolf

When it comes to choosing between weight lifting or cardio workouts, I always choose cardio. Cause it helps me in the long run.

I've had some wonderful relationships with inflatable dolls in the past, but they always blow up in my face.

Wanna job as a concrete guy? Here, fill out this FORM.

Once, in a Moscow hotel, I was stung by what I thought at the time, was a dodgy looking wasp.
Although now I suspect it was the cagey bee!

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman there, "Where’s the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Just a reminder that your coworkers aren't going to get eaten by bears on their own.
You have to make that happen.
You have to want it.

"There is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for."
~ Paulo Coelho

My wife has left me because of my obsession with Battleships.
It’s never happened B4.

-4° looks like a depressed guy sitting on a toilet.

Would a book club in prison be called prose and cons?

Got a great book about tribute bands. I read it from cover to cover.

I once was sat next to an insurance salesmen at a Robbie Williams concert .

And through it all, he offered me protection...

Studies show that people named Violet never smile.
That's because Violets are blue.

“Educating the mind without educating the heart is no education at all.”
― Aristotle.

Я привел домой женщину. Но я не виноват, что моя жена до этого уронила вилку.

My doctor said to me "do you know your sperm count?"
I said I didn't know they were that clever.

I was going to put on a sock puppet show, but I got cold feet.

Just tried my hand at standup.
My feet were definitely better.

I got a new high score today... Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale.

Had to give up on my plan to set up a business making work surfaces for kitchens. It was counterproductive.

If you're sober, it's a police car. But if you're drunk, it's a taxi.

They're called rhinos because "fat unicorns" was deemed insensitive.

What do you call a factory that sells generally decent goods?

A satisfactory.

Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you and then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, and no, I’m not sorry about your table.

I've started wearing a mask to bed so that if I get burgled and I disturb them, they'll think I'm part of their gang.

I try to avoid public restrooms. A lot of shit goes down in there.

I keep hearing xylophones, cymbals and other percussion instruments in my loft. It’s very drum attic.

Сейчас такое время, когда с высказываниями нужно поосторожней, чтобы не обидеть всяких там пидарасов.

IF YOU SEE A LINK ON TWITTER THAT SAYS "FREE NUDES" DON'T CLICK ON IT.

IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.

Pepper spray and a restraining order just takes all of the romance out of the relationship.

The only thing I take seriously in the newspapers at the moment is fish n chips.
And I even take that with a pinch of salt!

Я тут по вашему совету оставил дома телевизор включённым, чтобы собака не боялась.
Так вот, собака продолжает бояться, но теперь только американцев.

- Тут один симпатичный парень твой номер просит, дать ему?
- Дай, если хочешь. Мой номер говорить не надо.

I recently saw an ad for burial plots. Honestly, that’s the last thing I need.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

Every bag of chips is family sized...if you’re an orphan.

Optician: I've got your test results..... I'm afraid they're not good....
Me: oh!.... can I see them,?
He: probably not!

My wife is always mocking my love of Japanese rice wine.

I'm fed up with her sake comments...

Wanna hear a joke about paper?

Never mind—it's tearable.

My wife married me because she heard that I was well off. After getting to know us she realized my entire family was a little off.

Went to see a mind reader last night.
She said "Think of a card, any card"
"OK"
"Is it the four of clubs?"
"No"
"Ace of diamonds?"
"No"
"What is it then?"
"Birthday"

When I was younger I used to drink all different types of beer..but now I"m older Budweiser.

"The higher we soar the smaller we appear to those who cannot fly."
• Friedrich Nietzsche

A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly and as you can see, they were Wright.

I've been offered a job making plastic Draculas.
There will only be two of us on the production line so i have to make every second count.

Is the color called orange because of the fruit or is the fruit called orange because of the color?
No, it's the other way round.