Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I'm currently making some changes in my life, and if you don't hear from me, then you're one of them.

A man is out walking his dog when the Liverpool score comes in, 3-2 to Man Utd. The dog bares his teeth, growls & goes into a frenzied rage.

A passer by see this & asks, "Jesus what does the dog do if Liverpool win?"

"I don’t know," says the man. "I've only had it since Xmas!"

me: do you want Rice Krispies or Corn Flakes?

Tori Amos: what do you think?

Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of a giant's fingers.

A guy lost one of the digits on his foot. His girlfriend dumped him, because she was lack-toes intolerant.

Whats fuzzy, green, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
A pool table.

Had a nice, relaxing weekend. I now have ample energy to hate Monday and most of Tuesday.

Recently joined a dating group for pyromaniacs.

Got a match straight away...

You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a regular pigeon.

Most appliances use a Linux based OS.

But washing machines have windows.

You know what's odd?

Numbers you can't divide by two.

"To love or have loved, that is enough. Ask nothing further. There is no other pearl to be found in the dark folds of life."

• Thomas Jefferson

My friend told me he thought I was delusional.

I nearly fell off my unicorn.

Why do trees hate riddles?

Because they’re easily stumped

What does Mickey Mouse's girlfriend drive?
A Minnie Cooper.......

There's one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk.

Up.

True love doesn't care about the look or size of your wallet, it's all about what's inside... the wallet.

“Life is a journey that must be traveled no matter how bad the roads and accommodations.”

– Oliver Goldsmith

I started a nightclub for men with erectile dysfunction.

It was a total flop... and nobody came.

I've decided I'm not going to focus on my past anymore. So, if I owe you money, I'm sorry.

At the bank I told the cashier “ I’d like to open a joint account”.. “ with who?” she asked...” with whoever has lots of money” ☺️

I always call a spade a spade, until about 10 minutes ago when I tripped over one in the garden!

Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.

My mate asked, "Do you like Erasure?"

I replied, "Oooh sometimes!"

I don't like French pancakes. They give me the crepes.

What's red and green, and goes 100 mph?
Frog in a blender.

I was eating some alphabeti spaghetti on a yacht and discovered the seven Cs.

I once dated a girl who owned a parrot.
The thing would never shut the fuck up.
The parrot was cool though.

“It takes a great deal of history to produce a little literature.”
~ Henry James

Last night I read War and Peace in 20 seconds.
I know it's only three words, but it's a start.

Whoever sneaked the 's' in "fast food" was a real clever man!!

Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.

"A truth that's told with bad intent beats all the lies you can invent"

~ William Blake

I changed my computer password to 'Alcatraz' and now the 'Esc' button won't work...

Чтобы не перепутать, бабушка одного котенка назвала Барсик, а второго утопила.

My wife is leaving me to go to Vegas. She claims she can get £1000 a night for what she does for me for nothing...
I'm going too. I want to see how she lives on £2000 a year!

What do you call a camel with three humps?
.
.
.
.
.
.
Pregnant!

What happened to the guy that was addicted to bar soap?
He cleaned himself up.

Her: "Undress me with your words."
Me: "I saw a spider in your bra."

What happens if you give a politician viagra??

He gets taller.

Me: "Doctor you've got to help me. I'm addicted to twitter."

Doctor: "I don't follow you."

What is a Linux user's favorite game?

sudo ku.

Did you know they’re artificially inseminating cows these days...no bull.

what do bees eat for lunch? hum burgers.

Roses are red. Violets
are blue. I'm using my
hand but I'm thinking
of you.

Everything I like is either expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.

Why doesn’t James Bond fart in bed?

Because it would blow his cover...

Me and my mate have just been fighting over which is the best vowel.
I won.

Job Interviewer: Please tell us why you’d love to work for us?

Me: I need money.

- Все беременеют, а я никак не могу забеременеть.
- Серёжа, ну, значит, не твоё это.

I like taking pictures of myself in the shower, but they always come out too blurry.

I think I may have selfie steam issues...

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

"My name will live forever!"
- Anonymous.

I hear it’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.

The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.

"Friendship may, and often does, grow into love, but love never subsides into friendship."

By Lord Byron

“Did you know that a school of piranhas can rip a child apart in 30 seconds. ..... btw I lost my job at the aquarium today “

My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.

A guy told me to buy shares in a company that makes alcohol from apples. He's been done for in-cider trading...

Two peanuts walked into a bar, one was assaulted.

I bought A LOT of classical music yesterday...

...I went on a Chopin spree!

It's amazing how fast employees at the hardware store are willing to help after you try starting a chainsaw.

“Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears.”
— Les Brown

After going to the trouble of buying dinner for two, wine, flowers and chocolate, I would have thought that getting a blowjob would be the least I could expect...

Apparently not, and the checkout girl even called the manager!

Бар. Влетает крутой ковбой. Заказывает двойной виски.
Выпивает залпом, ставит на стол стакан и со словами:
- А ты не пизди! - вмазывает в морду мужику, сидящему рядом.
После чего выбегает из бара.
Влетает второй крутой ковбой. Заказывает двойной виски.
Выпивает залпом, ставит на стол стакан и со словами:
- А ты не пизди!- вмазывает в морду тому же мужику, сидящему рядом.
После чего выбегает из бара.
Влетает крутой ковбой. Заказывает также двойной виски.
Картина повторяется. Мужик, которому попадало, встает, надевает шляпу и, направляясь к выходу, произносит:
- Что-то я сегодня распизделся.

Dear mathematics. Stop asking to find your x. She has a new boyfriend.

"Books are the mirrors of the soul."
~Virginia Woolf

When it comes to choosing between weight lifting or cardio workouts, I always choose cardio. Cause it helps me in the long run.

I've had some wonderful relationships with inflatable dolls in the past, but they always blow up in my face.

Wanna job as a concrete guy? Here, fill out this FORM.

Once, in a Moscow hotel, I was stung by what I thought at the time, was a dodgy looking wasp.
Although now I suspect it was the cagey bee!

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman there, "Where’s the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Just a reminder that your coworkers aren't going to get eaten by bears on their own.
You have to make that happen.
You have to want it.

"There is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for."
~ Paulo Coelho

My wife has left me because of my obsession with Battleships.
It’s never happened B4.

-4° looks like a depressed guy sitting on a toilet.

Would a book club in prison be called prose and cons?

Got a great book about tribute bands. I read it from cover to cover.

I once was sat next to an insurance salesmen at a Robbie Williams concert .

And through it all, he offered me protection...

Studies show that people named Violet never smile.
That's because Violets are blue.