Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Полиция не смогла поймать дворника, ограбившего магазин. Он хорошо замёл следы.

So what if I can't spell armurgegin.

It's not the end of the world.

My friend says I take things too literally.

Which is strange because I haven't taken anything from anyone recently.

Палиндром « А роза упала на лапу Азора»
знают все, а вот « Оголи жопу пожилого» - только в Пенсионном фонде РФ.

"Words are easy, like the wind; Faithful friends are hard to find."

~William Shakespeare

The stitches on my pants are unraveling. It’s not what it seams. 🤷🏻‍♂️

A man walks into a hardware shop and says One mousetrap please,
and can you hurry?
I have to catch a bus,
Sorry, says the sales assistance,
But our traps aren't that big.

I hate tacos, said no Juan ever.

Really annoys me when people don't finish their

"What matters most
is how well you walk
through the fire”

-Charles Bukowski.

Living on a prayer is my favorite karaoke song, but when I try to hit the high notes...

...I only make it half way there.

Я уступаю женщинам место, говоря им: "Садитесь" - где бы я ни был.
Но не потому, что я вежливый, а потому, что люблю указывать, что им делать.

"Lo imposible solo existe en el mundo de los incapaces."

- Как ты относишься к бедным людям?
- Напрямую.

I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.

Everyone was excited at the autopsy club.
It was open Mike night.

I never wanted to make a Pun about Parts of the body but Ear Eye Arm.

What do you call a really big ant?
A giANT.

How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One.

I'm helping put together a good fishing TV show.
At the moment we're concentrating on getting the Cast right.

Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA...
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!

She had a wonderful photographic memory but never developed it.

Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.

I used to live in a tire, but it got a puncture. Now I just live in a flat.

Tried dating a chemist once. It was so hard to vent problems to him cuz...
He was solution oriented.

Feeling pretty good.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now.
Cap’n in the morning and Nestles in the afternoon.

My brother owns a successful business that sells prosthetic limbs all over the world.

He’s an international arms dealer.

- Я сегодня не выспался...
- А причина?
- Причина тоже не выспалась...

My boss calls me "the computer" Nothing to do with intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

What’s the difference between marmelade and jam?
I only know how to spell Jam.

A friend gave me a book on getting organized, but I have no idea where I put it.

Does anyone have a cure for sex addiction?
I've tried fucking everything!

- ¿Porque golpeas a ese maniquí?
-Es que odio a la gente falsa.

I spotted a lion at the zoo the other day. He looks like a leopard now.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
The boss snuck out early, so I left too.

If every person on Earth blinked at the same time, nobody would ever find out.

A little boy ran up to me and said, "Please help. My Dad is in a fight."

I followed the boy when we came across two men fighting. I said to the boy, "Ok, which one is your Dad?"

"I dunno," he said. "That's what they're fighting about!"

Does a railway worker have to be trained?

There is too much apathy in the world....but then again who cares?.

Q: Are you a fan of Drake?

A: No, I'm his air conditioner.

Soda machines are coiniverous

The national orchestra of Bermuda has a unique problem. The musician that plays the triangle keeps disappearing.

Some say heaven is non-physical...but does it really matter?

"…happiness [is] but the occasional episode in a general drama of pain."

By Thomas Hardy, The Mayor of Casterbridge

My wife is divorcing me due to my obsession with goats.

I don't care about her, but I'll miss the kids.

Fun Fact!
Did you know that 3.14%
of all sailors are pirates?

One Dude: How often do you like jokes about elements?
The Other Dude: Periodically...

My boss has just appointed me as his sexual adviser...
He said, "When I want your fucking advice, I'll ask for it!"

I once asked a priest “where do you get all your holy water from?”
He replied “I just fill the kettle up and boil the hell out of it!”.

I was hoping that reading the horoscopes would bring my girlfriend and I closer together, but in the end it Taurus apart.

I just wanna be rich enough to throw leftovers away after dinner instead of putting them in Tupperware and throwing them away a week later.

Where do police officers eat dinner?
Arrestaurant.

It's been a weird day.
First I find a hat full of money, then get chased by some guy with a guitar.

I keep imagining I'm holding an invisible pack of cards.
No one knows what I'm dealing with.

Why are toilets always so good at poker?
They always get a flush.

Want to hear a joke about construction?
I'm still working on it!

Начальник российской военной академии читал лекцию о потенциальных проблемах и военной стратегии. В конце лекции он спросил, есть ли какие-то вопросы.
Один из офицеров встал и спросил:
— Будет ли Третья мировая война?
— Да, — ответил генерал.
— Примет ли Россия в ней участие?
— Да, — снова ответил генерал.
Другой офицер спросил:
— Кто будет нашим врагом?
Генерал подумал и сказал:
— Все указывает на то, что это будет Китай.
В аудитории все были шокированы.
Третий офицер спросил:
— Но у нас всего 140 миллионов человек по сравнению с полутора миллиардами китайцев. Мы имеем шансы на победу, да и вообще на выживание?
Генерал походил из стороны в сторону и сказал:
— В современной войне не количество солдат определяет победу, а качество и умение использовать армейские возможности. Для примера, на Ближнем Востоке мы относительно недавно наблюдали несколько войн, где 5 миллионов евреев воевали против 150 миллионов арабов, и Израиль всегда побеждал.
После короткой паузы ещё один офицер, сидящий в задних рядах, спросил:
— А у нас достаточно евреев?

To clear up the Moody Blues lyric,
does anyone know what the knights in white sat in?

What do you call a cow walking backward ?
Moo walking.

Don't ever give up!...
Unless it's laundry day...
Then you can throw in the towel...

A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern...

I lost my pet mouse Elvis the other night. He was caught in a trap.

Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me.
Luckily my injuries are only super fish oil.

How can you tell a vampire has a cold?
They start coffin.

What did the teacher do when his student wrote a report on the history of cheese?

He grated it.

I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center.
I will call it “Pick Your Nose”.

I made some puns on Greek Gods..
My Apollogies.

What do you call a spooky burrito ?

A boo-rito.

Why do astronauts use linux?

because you can't open windows in space.

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up a banjo!

“If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me.”

— W. H. Auden, The More Loving One

He was always making up stories so when he told me that he has 7 brothers named "Angus", I told him that is a lot of bull.

“The important thing was to love rather than be loved”

– W. Somerset Maugham, Of Human Bondage

What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?
Nothing. He was gladiator.

Planning to start a jewellery business. If you want to help, give me a ring.

I was talking to a pregnant women in the doctors yesterday I said "what do you hope it is" she said "my husbands".

I saw a sign in the shopping centre today "Dogs must be carried on the escalator" It took me over an hour to find one, what a stupid rule!!!

“I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself.”

– Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

Wife:is my phone around?
Me: no, its rectangular.

My girlfriend wrote on a balloon, "Will you propose to me?"
I immediately popped the question.