Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My grandpa is an organ donor.

He donated his old piano.

Did you hear about the construction worker who had to quit because he wasn't strong enough to do the job?

He had to give his boss a too weak notice.

Èlectrician opens current account at bank.

A transvestite wearing a mini skirt really shows some balls.

When I die I want my body donated to science.

But more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing the dead back to life.

К некоторым людям я отношусь хорошо только потому, что слышал о них много гадостей от людей, к которым я отношусь плохо.

My wifi suddenly stop working, then I realized that my neighbors have not paid the bill.

How irresponsible people are.

I'm faster than a bullet, provided the bullet hasn't been fired.

Two Canadians talking:-
"Say, what would you do if a bear started attacking your wife?"
"Why would I do anything - he started it, let him defend himself!"

My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.
But my wife insists it's for Dyslexia.

If a methodist marries a spiritualist, would their kids be methylated spirits?

I always get naked before I get in bed... so I don't know why this lady at Harvey Norman is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.

My wife wanted to be an excavator driver for a living but all she kept doing was digging up the past.

I have been looking into the history of Sausages and keep finding missing links.

Интеллигентный молодой человек стеснялся сразу перейти с девушкой на "ты".
Поэтому полгода занимался сексом с Людмилой Васильевной.

Why was the baby jalapeño shivering?
... 🤔🙄🧐
Because he was a little chili...

I hate going to MC Hammer's house. He wont let me touch anything.

Where do people with obsessive compulsive disorder live? Obsesame Street!

We had an important problem to deal with, so we formed a committee.
Now we have two problems.

When I worked as a Baggage Handler, I used to try and guess what was in people's luggage.
I got it wrong in most cases.

My girlfriend always says, “You treat this house like a hotel!”.

I'm going to have to mention in my Trip advisor review about ‘rude staff’.

У любого, кто просмотрит два часа подряд новости на российском ТВ, на ногах автоматически вырастают лапти!

Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.

- Говорят, ты сказал про меня, что я мудак... Это правда?!
- Конечно, правда! Но я этого не говорил...

Just heard the Home Office has lost my police records.

I'm going to really miss Walking on the Moon.

If Dwayne Johnson studies his family tree,
would that be
geneology or geology?

Дагестанские ученые побороли коронавирус.😲

Why do bees hum? - They don't remember the text!

"I got a letter from my bank yesterday that said "Final Reminder".
At least I know they will stop asking me now..."

What is Black and White,
White and Black,
Black and White,
White and Black,
Black and White,
White and Black,
Black and White,
White and Black?
A zebra crossing the Zebra Crossing .

"Coin Always Makes Sound But The Currency Notes Are Always Silent. So When Your Value Increases Keep Quiet."

I am looking to buy a lighthouse.
Nothing too flashy.

A father is someone who has photos in his wallet, where the money used to be.

I have decided that today I will be telling jokes about furniture..

Sofa, so good..

- Сергей Кожугетович, мы когда, наконец, научимся бороться с дронами??
- Вы про Сирию и Армению, Владимир Владимирович?
- Я про Геленджик!!

La vida es eso que pasa muy despacio de lunes a jueves y muy rápido de viernes a domingo.

The Xerox engineer came to fix my copier, i said what the hell is wrong with it, he said he didnt like my tone.

I tried to make a hard drive out of wood, but it didn't work.
All bark but no byte.

Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn't seen me drunk.

Any hedge can be a maze if you are drunk enough.

One of the lesser known Winston conversations.
Winston walks into the gents in the Houses of Parliament, sees Clement Attlee at the urinal and walks to the furthest urinal away from Attlee.
Attlee says’ feeling standoffish today Winston’?
Winston replies ‘not at all, but you buggers see anything of any size and you want to Nationalise it’!

My boss calls me "the computer".
Well, Nothing to do with intelligence here, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

"I was in darkness, but I took three steps and found myself in paradise. The first step was a good thought, the second, a good word; and the third, a good deed."
• Friedrich Nietzsche

I've just seen a paleontologist sat in a bar talking to a piece of coal. He must be carbon dating.

I wanted to be a carpenter but i screwed it up.

So I was getting into my car this morning, and this bloke says to me: "Can you give me a lift?"
I said: "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
👍☺️

"El amor más caliente tiene el final más frío."

—Sócrates

I visited the birthplace of the man who invented the toothbrush and there was no plaque.

My grandpa told me he was very poor when he was born. So poor, in fact, that he was born without clothes on.

I took my dog to the flea market with his collar on. Everyone died.

If Cinderella's shoe was such a perfect fit, why did it fall off to begin with?

Wife: What’s that beeping noise?

Husband: That’s just the fasten seatbelt alert.

Wife: How can you ignore something that annoying?

Husband: Huh?

I've never liked rape jokes. They always seem forced.

Milk is good.
But it could be butter.

Why didn’t 4 ask out 5?

Because he was 2 ²

I lost my job as a scuba diver. The company has gone under.

Don't dance in Greece!!
I did once and kept slipping over!!

Do you think it's ironic that only one company
makes the game
Monopoly?

The secret to a long life is just not dying to soon.

What do you call two guys hanging on a window?

CURT AND Rod.

I sit down so much, I understand.

- ¿Qué nos pasó que nos alejamos tanto?

- Nos fuimos conociendo.

Science is just a numbery way to explain magic.

Got stopped by the police today, asked where I was going, I said to buy some oil, he said is it essential? I said no, cooking!

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed...
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence!

I surprised my wife by getting Romantic last night...
Best Scrabble score I've ever had!

The man who invented the throat lozenge has died...
Apparently there will be no coffin at his funeral.

Wife says I'm going blind. Don't see it myself.

What do Police Officers get paid at night?
Copper Nitrate.

I dated an Anesthesiologist a couple years ago.
I had to end it after a while because I just didn't feel anything.

Getting married put an end to my aspirations for a bachelors degree.

What do you call a condom that plays music? A rubber band!

My family is really worried about my addiction to dot-to-dot puzzles. It's okay though, I know where to draw the line.

Someone has collapsed on the London Eye. Medics on the scene report that he is coming around slowly.

В детстве у нас не было пейнтбола, поэтому мы просто бегали и плевались друг в друга.

What did the tightrope walker eat for breakfast?
A balanced meal!

I used to work as a croupier, until I broke my arm.

I found it hard to deal with.

A fish net is nothing more than a lot of little holes tied together.

I know how to wink my eye in like twelve different languages.

Why do we call gas "gas" when it's a liquid?