Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Just found out the bus shelter round the corner from me has been stolen.
Honestly where do these people get off?

I've just started an online engraving course...
There's so much to learn though and so far we've hardly scratched the surface.

My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.

Why did the blind man cross the road ?
Because he was following his seeing eye chicken.

Mushroom walked into a bar and ordered a drink, the bar tender said we don't serve your kind, the mushroom said "why, I'm a fun guy"

Thai people are like a box of assorted chocolates, You never know which ones have nuts..

In democracy your vote counts.
But in feudalism, your Count votes.

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

Just finished reading a book on Lubricants.

It was non-friction.

Gravity

It’s not just a good idea... it’s the law.

Had to fire the guy that mows my yard..
He just wasn’t cutting it.

People who go rock climbing: you know you don't have to, right?

HR and I apparently disagree on what "debriefed" means.

"We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess."
- Mark Twain's Autobiography;

Be the reason someone smiles today.
Or the reason they drink.
You choose your own adventure.

It’s ok if you want to correct my grammar. I won’t think any fewer of you.

Lying in bed last night when my wife screamed I was an idiot, who needed go back to school.
Seriously, I forgot to pick up our 8 year old son.

I just got fired from the pickle factory for sticking my finger in the pickle slicer....
Well she got fired too.

My vagina’s name is Little Richard because she tastes Tutti Fruitti and hates Lil Dick.

"Our memory is a more perfect world than the universe: it gives back life to those who no longer exist."
— Guy de Maupassant

How does a computer get drunk?
It takes screen shots.

My local Council have insisted I remove the electric fence around my property...

Just because my neighbour is dead against it!

My wife and I are the perfect couple.
I have a 9 inch penis,
And she doesn't know which way to hold a ruler.

Here are some genuine aptronyms (a person's name that is regarded as amusingly appropriate to their occupation)

Alan Ball, English footballer who played in England's 1966 World Cup winning team.
Anna Smashnova, tennis player.
Billy Drummond, American jazz drummer.
Bob Flowerdew, gardener and Gardeners' Question Time panellist.
Bob Rock, rock music producer, including Metallica and Bon Jovi.
Brenda Song, singer.
Cecil Fielder and his son Prince Fielder, baseball players.
Jaime Gold winner of 2006 World Series of Poker
Chuck Long, former NFL quarterback for the Detroit Lions and the Los Angeles Rams.
Henry Head, an English neurologist.
Igor Judge, Lord Chief Justice of England and Wales .
Learned Hand, judge.
Lord Brain, neurologist.
Marc Rich, billionaire financier.
Margaret Court, tennis player.
Margaret Spellings, Education Secretary under George W. Bush.
Peter Bowler, cricketer who was, in fact, primarily a batsman.
Pippa Greenwood, plant pathologist and "Gardeners' Question Time" panellist in the UK.
Scott Free a defence attorney.
Thomas Crapper, manufacturer of Victorian toilets. Please note that the word "crap" predates Mr Crapper.] .
Tiger Woods, golfer [A wood is a type of golf club].
Usain Bolt, Jamaican sprinter, Olympic Gold medalist, 100m and 200m world record holder.
William Wordsworth, poet.

Fun game for parents:
Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.

I really need a fan in my room. Not a big one, just a little one who can cheer me on and support me whenever I need it.

Before the crowbar was invented, crows just drank at home.

Store policy: You break it you buy it.

Cat policy: you by it you break it.

You want to know what a Pancreas is for?
Let me break it down for you.

I got a rapid test this morning and I am NOT rapid.

I was going to start an 'Apathy Anonymous' group, but why bother?

"I've just built a model of Mount Everest."
"Is it to scale?"
"No, just to look at."

'To the world you might be one person,
but to one person, you might be the world.
Kindness is the golden chain by which
our world is bound together."
• Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Give a man a mask
and he’ll tell you
the truth.
—Oscar Wilde

Someone has collapsed on the luggage carousel at Heathrow Airport.
Medics at the scene report they are coming round slowly.

- : I’ve just auditioned for Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
- : Did you get the part?
- : I don’t know, but I’m on the shortlist.

Bought a new shrub trimmer today! I proudly it showed my son, "Check this out!"
He replied, "That's great, dad." I said..."It's cutting hedge technology!"

Мужик пошел в женский туалет за шестнадцатилетней девочкой, аргументируя тем, что он женщина. Папа девочки выбил ему зуб, аргументируя тем, что он зубная фея.

El errar es humano, perdonar, divino.

Those without sin cannot be divided by the length of the hypotenuse!

"What's the wifi password?"
"snowwhiteandthesevendwarfs"
"Why is the password so long?"
"It said it requires 8 characters..."

Whenever someone tells me they missed me, I tell them it's because they can't aim.

Never say a lion is lyin; you could hurt his pride.

My girlfriend tried to persuade me to have sex with her on the hood of her Honda Civic. I refused. If I'm going to have sex with her, it's going to be on my own Accord!

Mail delivered in a car is a shipment.
Mail delivered on a ship it's called a cargo.

The word "suns" upside down is still "suns".

Finally my winter fat has gone...

Now, I have spring rolls.

It appears that people are choosing to switch to chair height toilets. Yep, everybody's do-in' the low com-mode shun.

I went for an interview on a building site today.
The foreman asked me: "Can you make tea?"
I said "Yes!"
He then asked: "Can you drive a forklift?"
I replied: "Why? How big's the kettle?"

“And sometimes I have kept my feelings to myself, because I could find no language to describe them in.”

~ Jane Austen, Sense and Sensibility.

My superpower is making people laugh... which would be great if I was trying to be funny.

I really shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night... Especially since I walked there.

Did you hear about the giant that threw up?
No?
Why it's all over town!

What's the difference between pink and purple?

My grip.

A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn't kill the dinosaurs.
I've been to the museum.
It's obvious they starved to death.

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and burn them...

I did that, and feel much better, but I am wondering, do I keep the letters?

Sometimes you have to hug the people you don't like so you know how big to dig the hole in your backyard.

I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.

Звонок в дверь. Маленький Моня Рабинович впускает гостя и кричит сестре:
- Циля, иди сюда, это твоя синица в руках!

—Amor hoy estás mas bonita que nunca
—¿Por?
—CHINGA TU MADRE PENDEJA, PARA TODO QUIERES EXPLICACIONES, ÉSTAS BONITA Y YA, NO ESTES CHINGANDO.

Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life.
Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.

I went into a bar in Spain & there was a huge bulls head on the wall.
I said: "That must have been a big bull?"
The barman said: "That bull killed my grandfather"
I said: "Was he a bullfighter?"
He said: "No. He was playing draughts over there and it fell on him!".

At a job interview:

"What are your strengths?"

"I'm an optimist and a positive thinker."

"Can you give me an example?"

"Yes, when do I start?"

– Доктор, у меня хорошее настроение, я хочу ходить по кафешкам, барам, магазинам и покупать всё, что мне нравится! Что со мной?
– Это у вас зарплата. Это пройдёт!

What do you call a man with 4 planks of wood on his head?
I don't know but Edward Woodward would.

I heard if you push the accelerator and brake pedal at the same time your car takes a screenshot.

As part of our Chemistry coursework, everyone in my class had to create a glue strong enough to stick a wooden chair to the wall. The teacher said my effort was the best.
I nailed it.

Would an obsession with the imperial measurement system be considered a foot fetish?

"Love, the poet said, is woman's whole existence."
• Virginia Woolf

"You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it."
~ Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.

Shouldn't Henry Ford have written an auto-biography?

An untalented gymnast walks into a bar..

I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.

The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single fucking one of them.

I'm currently making some changes in my life, and if you don't hear from me, then you're one of them.

A man is out walking his dog when the Liverpool score comes in, 3-2 to Man Utd. The dog bares his teeth, growls & goes into a frenzied rage.

A passer by see this & asks, "Jesus what does the dog do if Liverpool win?"

"I don’t know," says the man. "I've only had it since Xmas!"

me: do you want Rice Krispies or Corn Flakes?

Tori Amos: what do you think?