Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Dad: Here’s a burger for lunch.
Vegetarian: Oh no, thanks I’m a vegetarian.
Dad: It okay this burger is plant based.
Vegetarian: Really! What plant is it from?
Dad: It originates from the meat packers plant.

Познакомился с красивой гардеробщицей, и она дала мне номерок.

I thought my teddy bear was hungry but then I discovered he's stuffed.

I use Linux... because Life is too short for reboots.

Wanna make mouse jokes, but I'm afraid it might get trapped.

There are many people who don't like me, and i am one of them.

I'll sell my broken watch when the time is right.

Q: Why do centipedes have 100 legs?
A: So they can walk.

I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for Christmas. He rang me up and told me it’s the most violent book he’s ever read.

Lead me not into temptation. Oh who am I kidding, follow me, I know a shortcut!

Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.

It's a shame that stupidity can't be converted into a usable energy source.

A los Niños de Hoy, le dan un móvil 📱 para que dejen los gritos 😱...
A mí me daban un grito y me dejaban "INMÓVIL" 🙄😑😂

Okay so the pregnant woman in the library didn't get my 'overdue' joke.

Ants can be found on every single continent except Antarctica.

Ironic really, when you consider the name.

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

My mate is a huge F1 fan.

personally I prefer Ctrl and Caps Lock..!

A man is throwing knives on wife's photo... and kept missing the target!
Suddenly his phone ring and his wife says; “Hi, what are you doing?"
"Missing you," was his honest reply.

For the record, you'll need a turntable needle.

A friend had an interview for a job a local taxi company. He turned up twenty minutes late, and the chap interviewing him said “the job’s yours.

Is my wife dissatisfied with my body?
A tiny part of me says yes.

I drank tea before it was cool.
...mostly cuz I dont like cold tea...

My brother accidentally poured Tomatoes on my body, now I'm dirty from my head
To-ma-toes 😂😎

Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?

My doctor says I'm hot.
Actually he said fever, but I'm taking it.

There are two types of people. People who divide people into two types, and people who don’t.

Just bought two donuts without sprinkles... Diets are hard!

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.

A man walks into a library and asks for a bottle of milk. The librarian says “this is a library!”. The man whispers “sorry, a bottle of milk, please”.

My mate had some shocking news. His wife has left him for a jigsaw designer...

He's in absolute pieces!

I used to know a deaf fisherman.
He wore a herring aid.

- ¿Por qué los buzos se tiran al agua de espaldas?
- Pues, por que si se tiraran de frente caerían dentro del barco.

What is the best season to jump on a trampoline? - Springtime.

I asked the Chef is many people order raw steak and he said Yes, but its very rare....

What did sloth say when he was mugged by a mob of snails?
It all happened so fast.

Wanted to tell a chemistry joke but all the good ones Argon.

What did the hammer say when he accomplished something?
Nailed it.

What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an elephant?
Big freaking holes all over Australia!

Why don't you take a hoe to a hotel? 'Cause the hoe tell everybody!

I just broke 2 of my old Queen records.
Now I want to break three.

Why is your nose smarter than your eyes?
Your nose knows common scents.

You can't make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

Sö î hèãrd ÿôu lìkê gùÿš with ácçeñts?

Did you hear about the dentist and the manicurist? They fought tooth and nail.

Large crystal ball for sale. £50, but you will haggle me down to £35.

I started a band call “Blanket”
It’s a cover band.

Never trust an acupuncturist! They are a bunch of back stabbers!

Do you know what makes me smile? My facial muscles!

I'll spare you from a bowling pun.

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.

Everyone should be more or less specific.

—¿Amor, crees que voy muy maquillada?

—Depende, ¿vas a salir a matar a Batman?

IKEA has been taken to court over faulty luggage. I hear prosecutors are having a really difficult time putting a case together.

What works faster than a calculator?

A calcu-sooner!

If you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste.....
When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.....

My boss said to date the cans of food. I tried to but they only like me as a friend.

I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they're hatching some kind of evil plan.

Deciding what to give someone for their birthday makes me "present" tense.

My wife's worried that the suspicious mole on my back could be cancer.
I don't care what star sign it is.

Guess who I saw today!
Everyone I looked at!

I saw a horse in a wild west show that glowed in the dark once. Think he was rodeo active.

Did you here about the guy who dipped his testicles in glitter. Pretty nuts!

2 female police officer dog handlers on the beat. One says, "I left my knickers at the station". The other says, "Let the dog have a sniff of your fanny & he'll fetch them". The dog returned 20 mins later with her knickers, 2 truncheons and 3 of the desk sergeants fingers!

What do you call a group of math and science geeks at a party?

Social engineers.

My dad once told me to always remember that I am unique just like everyone else.

I went to the barbers before the latest lockdown and said, "I want my hair cut like Tom Cruise."

So he put a cushion on the chair!

A man knocked on my door this morning and said, "Could you spare 5 minutes to do an opinion poll?"

I replied, "Sorry mate, my opinion isn't in at the moment, she has gone shopping!"

Why can’t you stop a legless dog?

Because it has no pause.

I don't know who this Rorschach man is, but I wish he would stop drawing pictures of my parents fighting.

I had an uncle who worked at a plant. His job was to make sure it was watered.

I make terrible chemistry puns, but only periodically.

I was on a weight loss website and it asked me if I accept cookies.

Is this a test?🤔

10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary: 1) There are 1's and 0's 10) There are no 2's

My obsession with caramel pudding is why I named my son Flan...and probably why I lost custardy.

If your sparkling water loses its bubbles, that's ok.
It's still water.

I got called pretty today.

...well, actually, the full statement was “you’re pretty annoying”, but I only focus on positive things.

A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

How do you make 7 even?

Remove the S 😀

Did you hear about the plumber who got divorced.
He said to his wife
Its Over flo.

How much money did Harry Potter and his friends have?
They had a quid each.