Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

“Educating the mind without educating the heart is no education at all.”
― Aristotle.

Я привел домой женщину. Но я не виноват, что моя жена до этого уронила вилку.

My doctor said to me "do you know your sperm count?"
I said I didn't know they were that clever.

I was going to put on a sock puppet show, but I got cold feet.

Just tried my hand at standup.
My feet were definitely better.

I got a new high score today... Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale.

Had to give up on my plan to set up a business making work surfaces for kitchens. It was counterproductive.

If you're sober, it's a police car. But if you're drunk, it's a taxi.

They're called rhinos because "fat unicorns" was deemed insensitive.

What do you call a factory that sells generally decent goods?

A satisfactory.

Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you and then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, and no, I’m not sorry about your table.

I've started wearing a mask to bed so that if I get burgled and I disturb them, they'll think I'm part of their gang.

I try to avoid public restrooms. A lot of shit goes down in there.

I keep hearing xylophones, cymbals and other percussion instruments in my loft. It’s very drum attic.

Сейчас такое время, когда с высказываниями нужно поосторожней, чтобы не обидеть всяких там пидарасов.

IF YOU SEE A LINK ON TWITTER THAT SAYS "FREE NUDES" DON'T CLICK ON IT.

IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.

Pepper spray and a restraining order just takes all of the romance out of the relationship.

The only thing I take seriously in the newspapers at the moment is fish n chips.
And I even take that with a pinch of salt!

Я тут по вашему совету оставил дома телевизор включённым, чтобы собака не боялась.
Так вот, собака продолжает бояться, но теперь только американцев.

- Тут один симпатичный парень твой номер просит, дать ему?
- Дай, если хочешь. Мой номер говорить не надо.

I recently saw an ad for burial plots. Honestly, that’s the last thing I need.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

Every bag of chips is family sized...if you’re an orphan.

Optician: I've got your test results..... I'm afraid they're not good....
Me: oh!.... can I see them,?
He: probably not!

My wife is always mocking my love of Japanese rice wine.

I'm fed up with her sake comments...

Wanna hear a joke about paper?

Never mind—it's tearable.

My wife married me because she heard that I was well off. After getting to know us she realized my entire family was a little off.

Went to see a mind reader last night.
She said "Think of a card, any card"
"OK"
"Is it the four of clubs?"
"No"
"Ace of diamonds?"
"No"
"What is it then?"
"Birthday"

When I was younger I used to drink all different types of beer..but now I"m older Budweiser.

"The higher we soar the smaller we appear to those who cannot fly."
• Friedrich Nietzsche

A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly and as you can see, they were Wright.

I've been offered a job making plastic Draculas.
There will only be two of us on the production line so i have to make every second count.

Is the color called orange because of the fruit or is the fruit called orange because of the color?
No, it's the other way round.

My grandpa is an organ donor.

He donated his old piano.

Did you hear about the construction worker who had to quit because he wasn't strong enough to do the job?

He had to give his boss a too weak notice.

Èlectrician opens current account at bank.

A transvestite wearing a mini skirt really shows some balls.

When I die I want my body donated to science.

But more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing the dead back to life.

К некоторым людям я отношусь хорошо только потому, что слышал о них много гадостей от людей, к которым я отношусь плохо.

My wifi suddenly stop working, then I realized that my neighbors have not paid the bill.

How irresponsible people are.

I'm faster than a bullet, provided the bullet hasn't been fired.

Two Canadians talking:-
"Say, what would you do if a bear started attacking your wife?"
"Why would I do anything - he started it, let him defend himself!"

My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.
But my wife insists it's for Dyslexia.

If a methodist marries a spiritualist, would their kids be methylated spirits?

I always get naked before I get in bed... so I don't know why this lady at Harvey Norman is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.

My wife wanted to be an excavator driver for a living but all she kept doing was digging up the past.

I have been looking into the history of Sausages and keep finding missing links.

Интеллигентный молодой человек стеснялся сразу перейти с девушкой на "ты".
Поэтому полгода занимался сексом с Людмилой Васильевной.

Why was the baby jalapeño shivering?
... 🤔🙄🧐
Because he was a little chili...

I hate going to MC Hammer's house. He wont let me touch anything.

Where do people with obsessive compulsive disorder live? Obsesame Street!

We had an important problem to deal with, so we formed a committee.
Now we have two problems.

When I worked as a Baggage Handler, I used to try and guess what was in people's luggage.
I got it wrong in most cases.

My girlfriend always says, “You treat this house like a hotel!”.

I'm going to have to mention in my Trip advisor review about ‘rude staff’.

У любого, кто просмотрит два часа подряд новости на российском ТВ, на ногах автоматически вырастают лапти!

Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.

- Говорят, ты сказал про меня, что я мудак... Это правда?!
- Конечно, правда! Но я этого не говорил...

Just heard the Home Office has lost my police records.

I'm going to really miss Walking on the Moon.

If Dwayne Johnson studies his family tree,
would that be
geneology or geology?

Дагестанские ученые побороли коронавирус.😲

Why do bees hum? - They don't remember the text!

"I got a letter from my bank yesterday that said "Final Reminder".
At least I know they will stop asking me now..."

What is Black and White,
White and Black,
Black and White,
White and Black,
Black and White,
White and Black,
Black and White,
White and Black?
A zebra crossing the Zebra Crossing .

"Coin Always Makes Sound But The Currency Notes Are Always Silent. So When Your Value Increases Keep Quiet."

I am looking to buy a lighthouse.
Nothing too flashy.

A father is someone who has photos in his wallet, where the money used to be.

I have decided that today I will be telling jokes about furniture..

Sofa, so good..

- Сергей Кожугетович, мы когда, наконец, научимся бороться с дронами??
- Вы про Сирию и Армению, Владимир Владимирович?
- Я про Геленджик!!

La vida es eso que pasa muy despacio de lunes a jueves y muy rápido de viernes a domingo.

The Xerox engineer came to fix my copier, i said what the hell is wrong with it, he said he didnt like my tone.

I tried to make a hard drive out of wood, but it didn't work.
All bark but no byte.

Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn't seen me drunk.

Any hedge can be a maze if you are drunk enough.

One of the lesser known Winston conversations.
Winston walks into the gents in the Houses of Parliament, sees Clement Attlee at the urinal and walks to the furthest urinal away from Attlee.
Attlee says’ feeling standoffish today Winston’?
Winston replies ‘not at all, but you buggers see anything of any size and you want to Nationalise it’!

My boss calls me "the computer".
Well, Nothing to do with intelligence here, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

"I was in darkness, but I took three steps and found myself in paradise. The first step was a good thought, the second, a good word; and the third, a good deed."
• Friedrich Nietzsche

I've just seen a paleontologist sat in a bar talking to a piece of coal. He must be carbon dating.

I wanted to be a carpenter but i screwed it up.

So I was getting into my car this morning, and this bloke says to me: "Can you give me a lift?"
I said: "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
👍☺️

"El amor más caliente tiene el final más frío."

—Sócrates