Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Why shouldn't you run with bagpipes?
You could put an aye out!
Or even get yourself kilt.

I love taking pictures of myself standing next to boiling water..
Doctor says I've got selfie steam issues.

Paddy was asked how he managed to get along so well with his wife.

"I always tell her the truth, even if I have to lie a little."

My email password got hacked again...

That's the third time I've had to rename the cat!

There's an app on my phone that makes me look fat. It's called camera.

That’s the problem with postal jokes
I never get them until the day after.

- А правда, что татуировка это на всю жизнь?
- Нет, немножко дольше.

"Ptolemy ptrained
pten Ptrojans" -
Ancient Ptongue Ptwister

Why didn't the Sun go to college? Because it already had a million degrees!

A friend has a talking biscuit but I can never understand it. That’s the way the cookie mumbles.

Marry someone who can cook. Love fades, hunger doesn't.

I'm not saying your opinion is stupid, I'm just saying you're stupid for having it.

I thought about becoming a dermatologist, but I don’t like making rash decisions.

Two silk worms had a race...

They ended up in a tie.

The main problem with the upper crust of society is that it's often just a bunch of crumbs held together by dough.

A detective is working on a case.
He doesn't have a desk.

My wife is threatening to leave me due to my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.

More on this after the break.

I did a kids workout yesterday and I’m really feeling it in my head, shoulders, knees and toes.

An earthquake is a dish best served on tectonic plates.

Him - "Darling, if I lost all my money, the Rolls and the houses, would you still love me?"
Her - "Of course I would my love, but I would miss you".

Марк Абрамович просит сына:
- Изя, сынок, сходи в магазин за хлебом.
- А волшебное слово?
- Сдача твоя.

My wife is saying she’ll divorce me because of my obsession with television dramas.

But will she leave me?

Find out next week...

I've got no faith in my doctor,
All his patients are ill.

Cement Company makes Concrete proposal to sacked workers.

Why is it that people with rubbish cameras and shakey hands, are the only people to see UFO's ?

Water company going through a liquidity crisis.

I'm fine with alcohol and weed, but cocaine is where I draw the line.

Why do breweries put beer in small metal containers?

Because they can.

My friend plays the violin and makes me hold up the music sheets while he plays. I'm sick of doing it, so now I'm making a stand.

Theres a new movie on netflix about semi trucks.

You should watch the trailer.

“You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.”

Bob Dylan

God when creating ducks..
Waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo!

Would it be possible to cross an eel with an eagle? Absolutely not. That would be eeleagle.

Why didn’t Guns N Roses turn up for the gig when it was snowing?
Axel Froze.

Growing up we had a horse that only stayed awake when it was dark.
It was a night mare.

I pulled a muscle while digging for gold...
It’s a miner injury.

I think that thinking about thoughts of thinking are too thinkable for thoughts to be thought about thinking... I think.

I got my test results back this morning, and I'm shocked to find that I've been diagnosed with OCD.
I've rung the doctor's nine times to check if they're correct.

Spanish : " Amor cuerdo no as Amor "
--- José Martí

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don't come into work.

What's the difference between a tick and the Eiffel tower?
Nothing they're both Paris sites.

Why is blue the best color?
It's cyan-tifically proven.

I have a pet tree.
It's like having a pet dog but its bark is quiet!

I got arrested for stealing a complete set of encyclopedias...

I said to the police “Hang on, I can explain everything...”

A Woman Sends a Text to Her Husband
“Honey, don't forget to buy BREAD when you come home from work and your girlfriend Valerie greets you.”
Husband: Who is Valerie?
Wife: Nobody, I just wanted you to answer, to have confirmation that you saw my text.
Husband: But I’m with Valerie right now, I thought you saw me?
Wife: What??! Where are you?
Husband: Near the bakery.
Wife: Wait, I’m coming right now!
After 5 minutes, his wife sends a message:
Wife: I’m at the bakery, where are you?
Husband: I’m at work. Now that you’re at the bakery , buy the bread !

Nothing says 'I don't take you seriously' like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

"You can never be wise and be in love at the same time."
--- Bob Dylan

"You wake up every morning to fight the same demons that left you so tired the night before, and that, my love, is bravery."

Two best advices for a safe life:
1. Always speak the truth, no matter how harsh it is.
2. Run immediately after saying it.

Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He just couldn't resistor.

Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.

I went to a nightclub that was full of Orcs, Hobbits and Elves...

It was Mordor on the dancefloor...

"I'm a survivor—a living example of what people can go through and survive."
—Elizabeth Taylor

I ran into my friend Mark who stole my dictionary.

I said, “Mark, my words!”

What does a painter do when he's cold ?

Puts on another coat.

At my age I have seen it all, I have done it all, I have heard it all...?.....I just don't remember it all!

There are two types of people in this world:
1. People who can extrapolate from incomplete data

I have the heart of a lion, also a lifetime ban from the safari park!

A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, we dont serve your kind here. The mushroom asks. "why not? im a "fun guy".

You may not have heard the rumour about butter...but I'm going to start spreading it.

I got into a heated argument with a snowman...
...in which he lost his cool and had a total meltdown.

Чтобы проверить курю я или нет, родители перед уходом оставляли газ включенным.

- Девушка, давайте вечером встретимся!
- Я согласна, но учтите - на первом свидании я сексом не занимаюсь.
- А у меня такое чувство, что мы с вами давно знакомы.

"Cada persona que conoces está peleando en una batalla de la que no sabes nada. Sé amable. Siempre".
- Robin Williams.

"The first symptom of true love in a man is timidity, in a young woman, boldness."
By Victor Hugo, Les Misérables

Did you hear about the website for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?

It's a site for sore eyes.

Q: Where in this world would you find opera singing aliens?
A: ARIA 51!!!!!!

What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

When butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans in their stomach?

I called the newspaper to place an a ad,
But I couldn't tell the lady about it
because it was classified .

Йога - это разминка перед Камасутрой.

What do sea monsters eat?

Fish and ships.

Elton John is a huge fan of Dwayne Johnson and Pennywise The Clown.

He's a Rock It man.

My wife! Honestly! Such a dirty, lazy person. Every time I go for a pee in the sink it’s full of unwashes dishes!

As the shoe said to the hat, 'You go on ahead, and I'll follow on foot'.

There are 70 ways to keep a man happy.
1 is alcohol.
Rest is 69.

Why do black holes enjoy karaoke?

'Cause they love the sing-hilarity.

"Time is what we want most, but what we use worst."
— William Penn

" Fiction is the lie through which we tell the truth. "
• Albert Camus

Whether a vacuum is on or off, it's always collecting dust.