Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I visited the birthplace of the man who invented the toothbrush and there was no plaque.

My grandpa told me he was very poor when he was born. So poor, in fact, that he was born without clothes on.

I took my dog to the flea market with his collar on. Everyone died.

If Cinderella's shoe was such a perfect fit, why did it fall off to begin with?

Wife: What’s that beeping noise?

Husband: That’s just the fasten seatbelt alert.

Wife: How can you ignore something that annoying?

Husband: Huh?

I've never liked rape jokes. They always seem forced.

Milk is good.
But it could be butter.

Why didn’t 4 ask out 5?

Because he was 2 ²

I lost my job as a scuba diver. The company has gone under.

Don't dance in Greece!!
I did once and kept slipping over!!

Do you think it's ironic that only one company
makes the game
Monopoly?

The secret to a long life is just not dying to soon.

What do you call two guys hanging on a window?

CURT AND Rod.

I sit down so much, I understand.

- ¿Qué nos pasó que nos alejamos tanto?

- Nos fuimos conociendo.

Science is just a numbery way to explain magic.

Got stopped by the police today, asked where I was going, I said to buy some oil, he said is it essential? I said no, cooking!

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed...
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence!

I surprised my wife by getting Romantic last night...
Best Scrabble score I've ever had!

The man who invented the throat lozenge has died...
Apparently there will be no coffin at his funeral.

Wife says I'm going blind. Don't see it myself.

What do Police Officers get paid at night?
Copper Nitrate.

I dated an Anesthesiologist a couple years ago.
I had to end it after a while because I just didn't feel anything.

Getting married put an end to my aspirations for a bachelors degree.

What do you call a condom that plays music? A rubber band!

My family is really worried about my addiction to dot-to-dot puzzles. It's okay though, I know where to draw the line.

Someone has collapsed on the London Eye. Medics on the scene report that he is coming around slowly.

В детстве у нас не было пейнтбола, поэтому мы просто бегали и плевались друг в друга.

What did the tightrope walker eat for breakfast?
A balanced meal!

I used to work as a croupier, until I broke my arm.

I found it hard to deal with.

A fish net is nothing more than a lot of little holes tied together.

I know how to wink my eye in like twelve different languages.

Why do we call gas "gas" when it's a liquid?

Dad: Here’s a burger for lunch.
Vegetarian: Oh no, thanks I’m a vegetarian.
Dad: It okay this burger is plant based.
Vegetarian: Really! What plant is it from?
Dad: It originates from the meat packers plant.

Познакомился с красивой гардеробщицей, и она дала мне номерок.

I thought my teddy bear was hungry but then I discovered he's stuffed.

I use Linux... because Life is too short for reboots.

Wanna make mouse jokes, but I'm afraid it might get trapped.

There are many people who don't like me, and i am one of them.

I'll sell my broken watch when the time is right.

Q: Why do centipedes have 100 legs?
A: So they can walk.

I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for Christmas. He rang me up and told me it’s the most violent book he’s ever read.

Lead me not into temptation. Oh who am I kidding, follow me, I know a shortcut!

Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.

It's a shame that stupidity can't be converted into a usable energy source.

A los Niños de Hoy, le dan un móvil 📱 para que dejen los gritos 😱...
A mí me daban un grito y me dejaban "INMÓVIL" 🙄😑😂

Okay so the pregnant woman in the library didn't get my 'overdue' joke.

Ants can be found on every single continent except Antarctica.

Ironic really, when you consider the name.

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

My mate is a huge F1 fan.

personally I prefer Ctrl and Caps Lock..!

A man is throwing knives on wife's photo... and kept missing the target!
Suddenly his phone ring and his wife says; “Hi, what are you doing?"
"Missing you," was his honest reply.

For the record, you'll need a turntable needle.

A friend had an interview for a job a local taxi company. He turned up twenty minutes late, and the chap interviewing him said “the job’s yours.

Is my wife dissatisfied with my body?
A tiny part of me says yes.

I drank tea before it was cool.
...mostly cuz I dont like cold tea...

My brother accidentally poured Tomatoes on my body, now I'm dirty from my head
To-ma-toes 😂😎

Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?

My doctor says I'm hot.
Actually he said fever, but I'm taking it.

There are two types of people. People who divide people into two types, and people who don’t.

Just bought two donuts without sprinkles... Diets are hard!

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.

A man walks into a library and asks for a bottle of milk. The librarian says “this is a library!”. The man whispers “sorry, a bottle of milk, please”.

My mate had some shocking news. His wife has left him for a jigsaw designer...

He's in absolute pieces!

I used to know a deaf fisherman.
He wore a herring aid.

- ¿Por qué los buzos se tiran al agua de espaldas?
- Pues, por que si se tiraran de frente caerían dentro del barco.

What is the best season to jump on a trampoline? - Springtime.

I asked the Chef is many people order raw steak and he said Yes, but its very rare....

What did sloth say when he was mugged by a mob of snails?
It all happened so fast.

Wanted to tell a chemistry joke but all the good ones Argon.

What did the hammer say when he accomplished something?
Nailed it.

What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an elephant?
Big freaking holes all over Australia!

Why don't you take a hoe to a hotel? 'Cause the hoe tell everybody!

I just broke 2 of my old Queen records.
Now I want to break three.

Why is your nose smarter than your eyes?
Your nose knows common scents.

You can't make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

Sö î hèãrd ÿôu lìkê gùÿš with ácçeñts?

Did you hear about the dentist and the manicurist? They fought tooth and nail.

Large crystal ball for sale. £50, but you will haggle me down to £35.

I started a band call “Blanket”
It’s a cover band.

Never trust an acupuncturist! They are a bunch of back stabbers!