Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Do you know what makes me smile? My facial muscles!

I'll spare you from a bowling pun.

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.

Everyone should be more or less specific.

—¿Amor, crees que voy muy maquillada?

—Depende, ¿vas a salir a matar a Batman?

IKEA has been taken to court over faulty luggage. I hear prosecutors are having a really difficult time putting a case together.

What works faster than a calculator?

A calcu-sooner!

If you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste.....
When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.....

My boss said to date the cans of food. I tried to but they only like me as a friend.

I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they're hatching some kind of evil plan.

Deciding what to give someone for their birthday makes me "present" tense.

My wife's worried that the suspicious mole on my back could be cancer.
I don't care what star sign it is.

Guess who I saw today!
Everyone I looked at!

I saw a horse in a wild west show that glowed in the dark once. Think he was rodeo active.

Did you here about the guy who dipped his testicles in glitter. Pretty nuts!

2 female police officer dog handlers on the beat. One says, "I left my knickers at the station". The other says, "Let the dog have a sniff of your fanny & he'll fetch them". The dog returned 20 mins later with her knickers, 2 truncheons and 3 of the desk sergeants fingers!

What do you call a group of math and science geeks at a party?

Social engineers.

My dad once told me to always remember that I am unique just like everyone else.

I went to the barbers before the latest lockdown and said, "I want my hair cut like Tom Cruise."

So he put a cushion on the chair!

A man knocked on my door this morning and said, "Could you spare 5 minutes to do an opinion poll?"

I replied, "Sorry mate, my opinion isn't in at the moment, she has gone shopping!"

Why can’t you stop a legless dog?

Because it has no pause.

I don't know who this Rorschach man is, but I wish he would stop drawing pictures of my parents fighting.

I had an uncle who worked at a plant. His job was to make sure it was watered.

I make terrible chemistry puns, but only periodically.

I was on a weight loss website and it asked me if I accept cookies.

Is this a test?🤔

10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary: 1) There are 1's and 0's 10) There are no 2's

My obsession with caramel pudding is why I named my son Flan...and probably why I lost custardy.

If your sparkling water loses its bubbles, that's ok.
It's still water.

I got called pretty today.

...well, actually, the full statement was “you’re pretty annoying”, but I only focus on positive things.

A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

How do you make 7 even?

Remove the S 😀

Did you hear about the plumber who got divorced.
He said to his wife
Its Over flo.

How much money did Harry Potter and his friends have?
They had a quid each.

Why shouldn't you run with bagpipes?
You could put an aye out!
Or even get yourself kilt.

I love taking pictures of myself standing next to boiling water..
Doctor says I've got selfie steam issues.

Paddy was asked how he managed to get along so well with his wife.

"I always tell her the truth, even if I have to lie a little."

My email password got hacked again...

That's the third time I've had to rename the cat!

There's an app on my phone that makes me look fat. It's called camera.

That’s the problem with postal jokes
I never get them until the day after.

- А правда, что татуировка это на всю жизнь?
- Нет, немножко дольше.

"Ptolemy ptrained
pten Ptrojans" -
Ancient Ptongue Ptwister

Why didn't the Sun go to college? Because it already had a million degrees!

A friend has a talking biscuit but I can never understand it. That’s the way the cookie mumbles.

Marry someone who can cook. Love fades, hunger doesn't.

I'm not saying your opinion is stupid, I'm just saying you're stupid for having it.

I thought about becoming a dermatologist, but I don’t like making rash decisions.

Two silk worms had a race...

They ended up in a tie.

The main problem with the upper crust of society is that it's often just a bunch of crumbs held together by dough.

A detective is working on a case.
He doesn't have a desk.

My wife is threatening to leave me due to my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.

More on this after the break.

I did a kids workout yesterday and I’m really feeling it in my head, shoulders, knees and toes.

An earthquake is a dish best served on tectonic plates.

Him - "Darling, if I lost all my money, the Rolls and the houses, would you still love me?"
Her - "Of course I would my love, but I would miss you".

Марк Абрамович просит сына:
- Изя, сынок, сходи в магазин за хлебом.
- А волшебное слово?
- Сдача твоя.

My wife is saying she’ll divorce me because of my obsession with television dramas.

But will she leave me?

Find out next week...

I've got no faith in my doctor,
All his patients are ill.

Cement Company makes Concrete proposal to sacked workers.

Why is it that people with rubbish cameras and shakey hands, are the only people to see UFO's ?

Water company going through a liquidity crisis.

I'm fine with alcohol and weed, but cocaine is where I draw the line.

Why do breweries put beer in small metal containers?

Because they can.

My friend plays the violin and makes me hold up the music sheets while he plays. I'm sick of doing it, so now I'm making a stand.

Theres a new movie on netflix about semi trucks.

You should watch the trailer.

“You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.”

Bob Dylan

God when creating ducks..
Waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo!

Would it be possible to cross an eel with an eagle? Absolutely not. That would be eeleagle.

Why didn’t Guns N Roses turn up for the gig when it was snowing?
Axel Froze.

Growing up we had a horse that only stayed awake when it was dark.
It was a night mare.

I pulled a muscle while digging for gold...
It’s a miner injury.

I think that thinking about thoughts of thinking are too thinkable for thoughts to be thought about thinking... I think.

I got my test results back this morning, and I'm shocked to find that I've been diagnosed with OCD.
I've rung the doctor's nine times to check if they're correct.

Spanish : " Amor cuerdo no as Amor "
--- José Martí

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don't come into work.

What's the difference between a tick and the Eiffel tower?
Nothing they're both Paris sites.

Why is blue the best color?
It's cyan-tifically proven.

I have a pet tree.
It's like having a pet dog but its bark is quiet!

I got arrested for stealing a complete set of encyclopedias...

I said to the police “Hang on, I can explain everything...”

A Woman Sends a Text to Her Husband
“Honey, don't forget to buy BREAD when you come home from work and your girlfriend Valerie greets you.”
Husband: Who is Valerie?
Wife: Nobody, I just wanted you to answer, to have confirmation that you saw my text.
Husband: But I’m with Valerie right now, I thought you saw me?
Wife: What??! Where are you?
Husband: Near the bakery.
Wife: Wait, I’m coming right now!
After 5 minutes, his wife sends a message:
Wife: I’m at the bakery, where are you?
Husband: I’m at work. Now that you’re at the bakery , buy the bread !

Nothing says 'I don't take you seriously' like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

"You can never be wise and be in love at the same time."
--- Bob Dylan