Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My wife is leaving me because she thinks I'm too old fashioned!

I'll wager a sixpence she's courting another chap.

I have been telling English jokes all my life, here is one in spanish.
Uno.

I just bought a Lettuce that used to belong to The Mamas & the Papas...

All the leaves are brown...

My body is just a filter.

Coffee goes in, sarcasm comes out.

Stop wasting your words on people who deserve your silence

“When stupidity is considered patriotism, it is unsafe to be intelligent.”
~Isaac Asimov

People who don't eat gluten are really going against the grain.

I went to the doctors today, "Oh dear," he said as he clutched my testicles. "This isn't good."

"What is it doc? What have I got?" I asked all worried.

He cleared his throat, let go of my balls and said, "An erection!"

The seven dwarfs were in bed feeling happy. When happy got out they started to feeling grumpy.

I feel uncomfortable around short people. What if they try to bite my knee.

Our local shop has just been robbed of 200 cans of Red Bull.

How do these people sleep at night? ☺️

There’s a new film coming out called “Carry on Fishing”.
It’s like the old Carry On films but with a different cast.

My friend was expelled from Asia. That's right--he was disoriented.

Sometimes I like to lay there at night and look up to the stars and think...
where the hell has my ceiling gone?

"This storm is making me tired," said the boy. "Storms get tired too," said the horse, "so hold on." ~ Charlie Mackesy

How to catch a squirrel?
Go in a forest and act nuts.

"The best way to keep a prisoner from escaping is to make sure he never knows he's in prison."
~ Fyodor Dostoevsky

"Birds born in a cage think flying is a disease."
~ Alejandro Jodorowsky

Breakups can be worse than death cause they’re still alive they just don’t want you...

“I believe a strong woman may be stronger than a man, particularly if she happens to have love in her heart. I guess a loving woman is indestructible.”
— John Steinbeck, East of Eden

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
BREATHE!!!

“The more you love a memory, the stronger and stranger it becomes.”
— Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

Why is it hard to wash the dishes at Christmas? Because the Fairy is on top of the tree...

Two blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.

Препод решил завалить студента по биологии.
На экзамене:
— Мужской половой орган из 5 букв?
— Пенис — отвечает студент.
— Из 4?
— Член.
— Из 3?
— Х*й.
— Из 2?
— На!
— Из одной буквы? — не унимается препод.
— О! (показывая средний палец)

That tower in Paris sure is an eye-full.

Why we spend so much money on clothes to impress someone we wanna be naked with?

Me and a friend managed to sell 800 stolen knives.
But I wasn't happy with my cut.

Always be nice to anyone that has full access to your toothbrush.

I said I was good at making decisions.
I didn't say the decisions I made were good.

Mixed emotion is seeing your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your brand new car.

If you bite a penny before putting it in your piggy bank you now have 1 bitcoin.

En clase: 2+3-1 = 4.
En el examen: Si la cama de María es verde y tu amigo es frutero, ¿qué campo magnético crea la mascota del vecino?.

What is as big as a hippopotamus but weighs nothing at all?

A hippopotamus's shadow.

People say I’m self-centred, but that’s enough about them.

I hate it when I meow at cats and they don't meow back. Unbelievably rude.

A cop knocked on my door and said he was fining me after people complained my dogs were chasing kids on bikes.
I told them that was ridiculous, my dogs don't even own a bike.

Imagine Barack Obama meeting Former Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak.
"Barack, Mubarak."
"Mubarak, Barack."

I just bought an answering machine!

What should I ask it?

When you're using the calculator, you're a calculator too.

I tried the art of glass blowing but I accidentally inhaled and now I have a stomach pane.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

When I was a kid I wanted to play guitar really badly...
After years of hard work and practice I can play guitar really badly...

I saw a guy with 3 eyes, 1 leg and no arms hitchhiking.

I felt sorry for him and pulled up besides him and said " Eye eye eye, hop in you look armless.

I was shopping at a book store today and asked a clerk where to find Dante’s “Inferno”.

He told me to go to Hell.

Saw a series of insects dancing on a sports field. It was a cricket ball.

—Oye, tengo sueño.
—Pues duerme.
—Tengo hambre.
—Pues come.
—Te amo.
—¡QUE TE DUERMAS!

A local farmer has trained his pigs to perform ballet. I’m going to see their production of swine lake.

"Dad" , "yes son ?" Where are the himalayans? I don't know ask your mom she puts everything away."

Яша Рабинович редко когда нервничает и сильно расстраивается - ему ведь за это не платят…

You are only likely to see this letter 🆃 once in a 🅻🅸🅵🅴🆃🅸🅼🅴

Went for a job interview on a building site mixing sand, gravel and cement...
I think I got the job but nothing's concrete yet.

What is made of leather, a foot long, and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe.

I wake up every morning with the joy and excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.

Todo pasa por algo, pero lo que no pasa también es por algo.

Me: I'm going as Harry Potter's godfather.
My wife: You can't be Sirius.

Whats the difference between illegal and unlawful??

Ones an act against the law and the other is a sick bird!

I have a joke about Afghanistan but it’s khandahard to explain.

Warning: do not accept a friend request from hormel foods...it could be spam.

I inherited my dad's sense of humor.
He's not funny either.

I once tried to swim the channel,got half way knew I woudnt make it so I swam back.

Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.

I was a knife sharpener but i couldn't deal with the daily grind.

The other day I had acupuncture done. When it was all done I was totally disappointed.

I went into my local printers today and said, "I need a 6 foot A, a 6 foot S and a 6 foot K, and I need them by tomorrow".

He said, "I'll see what I can do but it's a big ask...”

The leader of the lumber company is the chairman of the board.

My friend:Who's skull is that?
Me:(taking a sip from the skull) Some guy named Phillip
My friend: What's in it?
Me:Vodka and orange juice. It's a Phillips head screwdriver.

— Моня, разделяешь ли ты мое мнение?
— Да, дорогая, еще как разделяю, аж на две части. Часть первую отвергаю полностью, ну, а со второй не согласен категорически.

I saw my math teacher with a piece of graph paper yesterday. I think he’s plotting something!

Much like a dog, men will pretty much do anything you want if you feed them first.

A friend of mine said it was a dog-eat-dog world. I said yea, it's ruff out there.

A guy with a giant pumpkin head meets his friend.
His friend asks "what the hell happened, why do you have a giant pumpkin head?'
The guy explains, "well, I met a genie and he give me three wishes..."
"So what the hell happened"
"Well, first I wished for £30 million pounds.. and I got it. For my second wish I wished for a beautiful lady"
And his friend interrupts "yeah, but, what happened"
"Well, for the third wish, that's where I really screwed up"
"Yeah, how... Why"
" I wished for a giant pumpkin head".

What did the O say to the Q?

Dude, your dick is hanging out!

I tried to learn from an electrician, but i never understood Watt he was talking about!

What runs around a yard with out moving?
A fence.

When I was in carpentry school, I had a very tough drill instructor.

I do everything faster when I have to pee.

Did you hear my joke about construction?

I am still working on it.

Have you ever woken up, kissed the person beside you, and just felt glad that you are alive?
I did that, and apparently will not be allowed to fly on Easyjet ever again.

I'm writing a book about hurricanes and tornadoes.
It's only a draft at the moment.