Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

"You wake up every morning to fight the same demons that left you so tired the night before, and that, my love, is bravery."

Two best advices for a safe life:
1. Always speak the truth, no matter how harsh it is.
2. Run immediately after saying it.

Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He just couldn't resistor.

Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.

I went to a nightclub that was full of Orcs, Hobbits and Elves...

It was Mordor on the dancefloor...

"I'm a survivor—a living example of what people can go through and survive."
—Elizabeth Taylor

I ran into my friend Mark who stole my dictionary.

I said, “Mark, my words!”

What does a painter do when he's cold ?

Puts on another coat.

At my age I have seen it all, I have done it all, I have heard it all...?.....I just don't remember it all!

There are two types of people in this world:
1. People who can extrapolate from incomplete data

I have the heart of a lion, also a lifetime ban from the safari park!

A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, we dont serve your kind here. The mushroom asks. "why not? im a "fun guy".

You may not have heard the rumour about butter...but I'm going to start spreading it.

I got into a heated argument with a snowman...
...in which he lost his cool and had a total meltdown.

Чтобы проверить курю я или нет, родители перед уходом оставляли газ включенным.

- Девушка, давайте вечером встретимся!
- Я согласна, но учтите - на первом свидании я сексом не занимаюсь.
- А у меня такое чувство, что мы с вами давно знакомы.

"Cada persona que conoces está peleando en una batalla de la que no sabes nada. Sé amable. Siempre".
- Robin Williams.

"The first symptom of true love in a man is timidity, in a young woman, boldness."
By Victor Hugo, Les Misérables

Did you hear about the website for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?

It's a site for sore eyes.

Q: Where in this world would you find opera singing aliens?
A: ARIA 51!!!!!!

What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

When butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans in their stomach?

I called the newspaper to place an a ad,
But I couldn't tell the lady about it
because it was classified .

Йога - это разминка перед Камасутрой.

What do sea monsters eat?

Fish and ships.

Elton John is a huge fan of Dwayne Johnson and Pennywise The Clown.

He's a Rock It man.

My wife! Honestly! Such a dirty, lazy person. Every time I go for a pee in the sink it’s full of unwashes dishes!

As the shoe said to the hat, 'You go on ahead, and I'll follow on foot'.

There are 70 ways to keep a man happy.
1 is alcohol.
Rest is 69.

Why do black holes enjoy karaoke?

'Cause they love the sing-hilarity.

"Time is what we want most, but what we use worst."
— William Penn

" Fiction is the lie through which we tell the truth. "
• Albert Camus

Whether a vacuum is on or off, it's always collecting dust.

My wife is leaving me because she thinks I'm too old fashioned!

I'll wager a sixpence she's courting another chap.

I have been telling English jokes all my life, here is one in spanish.
Uno.

I just bought a Lettuce that used to belong to The Mamas & the Papas...

All the leaves are brown...

My body is just a filter.

Coffee goes in, sarcasm comes out.

Stop wasting your words on people who deserve your silence

“When stupidity is considered patriotism, it is unsafe to be intelligent.”
~Isaac Asimov

People who don't eat gluten are really going against the grain.

I went to the doctors today, "Oh dear," he said as he clutched my testicles. "This isn't good."

"What is it doc? What have I got?" I asked all worried.

He cleared his throat, let go of my balls and said, "An erection!"

The seven dwarfs were in bed feeling happy. When happy got out they started to feeling grumpy.

I feel uncomfortable around short people. What if they try to bite my knee.

Our local shop has just been robbed of 200 cans of Red Bull.

How do these people sleep at night? ☺️

There’s a new film coming out called “Carry on Fishing”.
It’s like the old Carry On films but with a different cast.

My friend was expelled from Asia. That's right--he was disoriented.

Sometimes I like to lay there at night and look up to the stars and think...
where the hell has my ceiling gone?

"This storm is making me tired," said the boy. "Storms get tired too," said the horse, "so hold on." ~ Charlie Mackesy

How to catch a squirrel?
Go in a forest and act nuts.

"The best way to keep a prisoner from escaping is to make sure he never knows he's in prison."
~ Fyodor Dostoevsky

"Birds born in a cage think flying is a disease."
~ Alejandro Jodorowsky

Breakups can be worse than death cause they’re still alive they just don’t want you...

“I believe a strong woman may be stronger than a man, particularly if she happens to have love in her heart. I guess a loving woman is indestructible.”
— John Steinbeck, East of Eden

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
BREATHE!!!

“The more you love a memory, the stronger and stranger it becomes.”
— Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

Why is it hard to wash the dishes at Christmas? Because the Fairy is on top of the tree...

Two blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.

Препод решил завалить студента по биологии.
На экзамене:
— Мужской половой орган из 5 букв?
— Пенис — отвечает студент.
— Из 4?
— Член.
— Из 3?
— Х*й.
— Из 2?
— На!
— Из одной буквы? — не унимается препод.
— О! (показывая средний палец)

That tower in Paris sure is an eye-full.

Why we spend so much money on clothes to impress someone we wanna be naked with?

Me and a friend managed to sell 800 stolen knives.
But I wasn't happy with my cut.

Always be nice to anyone that has full access to your toothbrush.

I said I was good at making decisions.
I didn't say the decisions I made were good.

Mixed emotion is seeing your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your brand new car.

If you bite a penny before putting it in your piggy bank you now have 1 bitcoin.

En clase: 2+3-1 = 4.
En el examen: Si la cama de María es verde y tu amigo es frutero, ¿qué campo magnético crea la mascota del vecino?.

What is as big as a hippopotamus but weighs nothing at all?

A hippopotamus's shadow.

People say I’m self-centred, but that’s enough about them.

I hate it when I meow at cats and they don't meow back. Unbelievably rude.

A cop knocked on my door and said he was fining me after people complained my dogs were chasing kids on bikes.
I told them that was ridiculous, my dogs don't even own a bike.

Imagine Barack Obama meeting Former Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak.
"Barack, Mubarak."
"Mubarak, Barack."

I just bought an answering machine!

What should I ask it?

When you're using the calculator, you're a calculator too.

I tried the art of glass blowing but I accidentally inhaled and now I have a stomach pane.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

When I was a kid I wanted to play guitar really badly...
After years of hard work and practice I can play guitar really badly...

I saw a guy with 3 eyes, 1 leg and no arms hitchhiking.

I felt sorry for him and pulled up besides him and said " Eye eye eye, hop in you look armless.

I was shopping at a book store today and asked a clerk where to find Dante’s “Inferno”.

He told me to go to Hell.

Saw a series of insects dancing on a sports field. It was a cricket ball.

—Oye, tengo sueño.
—Pues duerme.
—Tengo hambre.
—Pues come.
—Te amo.
—¡QUE TE DUERMAS!