Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Not sure if the remaining members of Queen still sign autographs.

Brian May.

You are paid by how hard you are to replace. Not by how hard you work.

Who was the most high-tech prophet?

Moses, he used a tablet.

You might die of thirst if you get stranded in the desert, but you'll never go hungry. That's because of all of the sand which is there.

Straws are for suckers.

I was raised by horses. Odd, I know, but I had a stable childhood.

—Que ojos tan grandes tienes
—Para verte mejor
—Y que orejotas
—Para escucharte mejor
—Y que iPhone tan grande..
—Es un iPad PENDEJA

- Дело не в том, что ваша семья богата, я действительно люблю вашу дочь и хочу на ней жениться.
- На которой из трех?
- На любой...

- Доктор, у меня жопа болит.
- В каком месте?
- У самого входа.
- Пока вы будете называть это место входом - оно будет болеть.

I went down on one knee last night. These native American woman have weird names.

Dating a Chinese girl is so hard. I gifted her puppies and kittens and she ate them.

Don't worry about the grass on the other side. It's not your grass.

Matthew McConaughey: All right, all right, all right

UK Matthew McConaughey: quite right, quite right, quite right

What kind of music does Mickey Mouse listen to when traveling?

Car tunes.

I have a couple friends that tried carpentry. Only one nailed it, the other one screwed up.

My very favorite dishes are all cooked with petroleum byproducts. I guess you could say I have refined taste.

Trying to be a good husband. Can anyone tell me, if my wife asks me to bring her the broom, is it controlling and over possessive to ask where she is going?

Whoever said a little positivity wouldn't kill you...obviously didn't have a negative blood type.

Why do sharks swim in salt water?
Cause Pepper makes them sneeze!

Yesterday I got on the Treadmill for 45 minutes.
Today I switched it on and set it running.
Tomorrow I’ll do both 🏃🏼‍♂️🏃🏼‍♂️🏃🏼‍♂️🏃🏼‍♂️.

Superman wears his underwear outside his pants and he's a "hero".

I do, and I'm "weird", "creepy" and "never invited over again."

Some of us learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us have to be the others.

“There is more than one way to burn a book. And the world is full of people running about with lit matches.”

—Ray Bradbury

When driving yesterday, I heard an annoying noise coming from the car.
When I stopped, my wife got out to check the engine, so I drove off.

What do you call an Irishman hanging from the ceiling?

Sean DeLear.

My number one rule to live by...
Don't die.

Q: what goes oh oh oh?
A: Santa walking backwards.

“Nothing can cure the soul but the senses, just as nothing can cure the senses but the soul.”
― Oscar Wilde.

Just got a phone call from my local police station. They said they want to interview me. I don’t remember applying for a job there, but it sounds promising.

I was lying in my driveway thinking "Which of my mates just kicked the jack from under my car?"
The suspension was killing me.

I hate when I intend to dilly-dally, but end up lollygagging & gallivanting instead.

Knowledge is like underwear.
It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.

Trabaja duro en silencio y deja que tu éxito haga todo el ruido.

“To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness.”
~ Robert Morley

I was a bookkeeper for 10 years.

The local library wasn’t too happy about it.

The ones who say "you can't" and "you won't" are the ones scared that you will.

Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.

Prison libraries have their prose
and cons.

Why can athletes lift more than prisoners?

Because the pros outweigh the cons.

Jump from a bridge in Paris? Are you in Seine?

Q: Why is combining a proton and an electron to make a neutron so popular?

A: It’s free of charge.

Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.

Went for a job interview at a blacksmiths.
He said: "You ever shoed a horse before?"
I said: "No, but I told a donkey to get lost once."

I can’t stop taking pictures of myself in front of boiling water.

I have Selfie Steam Issues.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still remain stationery.

Why did Karl Marx like herbal tea. Because proper tea is theft.

На самом деле братьев Запашных было гораздо больше.
Выжили только самые невкусные.

Sometimes I question my sanity.

Sometimes it replies.

If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight, there would be mass confusion.

“Hey, do you mind calling me a taxi?”

“Whatever you say, Ataxi! Seems like a strange nickname, though.”

I bought a small orange soda at the Jennifer Paige concert.

It's just a little Crush.

There's a rumor going around about the Canadian Prime Minister.

It's Trudeau.

They say there is nothing in the world harder than a diamond. There is… paying for it.

A man walking down the street sees another man with a dog and asks, "Why is your dog wearing brown boots?"

The other man replies, "Because his black ones are being mended!"

I've cut down on my drinking, and now only have one whisky before going to bed...

Last night I went to bed eight times!

What do you call a computer smoking weed?

High tech.

How does a computer learn new things?
Bit by bit.

How do you start a book about ducks?
With an introducktion.

My friend opened a jewelers shop last year.
He wasn't successful though... The owner called the police.

Cop stopped me doing 110 mph in my Lamborghini today and asked me, "do you know why I pulled you over?"
I replied, "Because I let you."

I married a horse. We have a stable relationship.

What did bacon suffer from before it was cured ?

Teacher asks Johnny, "What is the chemical formula for water?"

Johnny replies, "H I J K L M N O."

"What are you talking about?" the teacher replied.

Johnny, "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"

Did you hear about the idiot who was given a pair of water skis for his birthday?

He’s spent the last six months looking for a lake with a slope.

Boy, Can I go to a 50 Cent concert?
Father, Sure, Here's a dollar,
Take your sister.

My kids were fighting over which one of them gets to eat the last slice of pizza.
I ran over, knocked them both aside and devoured it myself.
Felt it was my duty to keep the piece.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
“Ya know, one would have been enough.”

"Хрен, положенный на мнение окружающих, обеспечивает спокойную и счастливую жизнь"
Ф.Г. Раневская

Продам прибор для электрофореза.
Плюсы: анод
Минусы: катод

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused food, drinks. He spat and swore at anyone who came near him and started throwing things everywhere.

After that we NEVER played Monopoly again.

Why did the football pitch become a triangle ?

Because someone took a corner !

My neighbour banged on the wall at 4.20am, can you believe that??
Lucky I was still up playing my music....
He banged and shouted "can we have a little respect please"
So I shouted back "I'm not a big Erasure fan, but ok this ones for you”

What's the difference between a banjo and an accordion?

A: You can toss a banjo farther

Я так люблю перчатки, что готов носить их на руках.
🤲

Being a little older, I am very fortunate to have someone call and check on me everyday. He is from India and is very concerned about my car warranty.

"Sometimes it's better to kill your words and bury them in your heart than to utter them to unlistening ears."
- Emad Abdul Ghani

My Ex-Girlfriend was heavily into Feng Shui and always had to decorate each room herself.
But since she moved out the Tables have turned.

Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.

What's the best letter to have in summer? Iced T.

I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no.

Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.