Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

If you speak too slowly, I will complete all your sentences in my mind in ways that makes your story much more interesting.

My calendar only has dates like the 1st, 3rd, 5th and 7th. It's very odd.

My calendar won't last long. It's days are numbered.

How come when a Dog licks it's privates in public, its OK
But when my Father did it he got thrown out of the Army.

Someone has removed the fifth month from all of my calendars. I'm dismayed.

Just went into a shop and said, "Can I pay by card?" The cashier said, "No problem, what card do you have?"
I said, "The six of spades!"

Went into the kitchen this morning, the wife was face-down and not breathing. I panicked and didn't know what to do...

Then I remembered that McDonald's do breakfast until 10.30!

"Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know."

~Earnest Hemingway

The automobile tire installer finally retired.

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

My horse is a rubbish dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.

Did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 are the same

10+10=20 11+11=22.

I have a joke about the Jedi Religion... but it's a little forced.

I had an appointment with a fortune teller today.
She told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I left all excited and got run over by a Securicor van!

😯-"Doctor, doctor I can't feel my legs!"
👨‍🦳-"I know,we amputed your hands"

Be aware of people warning of heavy Snow tonight.
It's flake news.

What did the cowboy say at his second rodeo? "This ain't my first rodeo!"

I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.

Date a realtor, he has a lot to offer.

A patient sobs to his doctor, "I feel like a pair of curtains!" - Doctor: "Well pull yourself together man!

The Middle Ages were called the Dark Ages because there were too many knights.

Preserve your musical instruments using clarified butter and black petroleum liquid:
Free ghee-tar lessons!

My kids were fighting over the last slice of cake.

I ran over and ate it myself just to keep the piece.

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “Listening. I would say listening is my biggest weakness.”

Во время утренней пробежки у меня очень напряжённое лицо. Со стороны это выглядит, будто у меня инфаркт, но я решил сам добраться до больницы.

I'm more than 60 years old and never used essential oils.
It makes me wonder how essential they really are.

A woodcutter once decided to build his own motor bike. He used wood for the frame, wood for the engine, wood for the brakes, and even a wooden gas tank.

Did he ride it? No...

It wooden start!

What do you use to find your way around Alcatraz island? A con-tour map.

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

Electricians have to strip to make ends meet ⚡

I told my friend that people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them.
He said, “By mistake ?”
I replied “Not you as well !!”

Next time someone says “I can’t stand it anymore,” ask them if they tried sitting it down. 🤷🏼‍♀️

ПОСЛОВИЦЫ И ПОГОВОРКИ НАУЧНЫМ ЯЗЫКОМ
• «Дуалистический принцип использования сельскохозяйственных орудий на гидроповерхности». (Вилами по воде писано)
• «Бинарный характер высказываний индивидуума, утратившего социальную активность». (Бабушка надвое сказала)
• «Проблемы транспортировки жидкостей в сосудах с переменной структурой плотности». (Носить воду в решете)
• «Оптимизация динамики работы тяглового средства передвижения, сопряжённая с устранением изначально деструктивной транспортной единицы». (Баба с возу — кобыле легче)
• «Нестандартные методы лечения сколиоза путем отправления ритуальных услуг». (Горбатого могила исправит)
• «Проблемы повышения мелкодисперсионности оксида двухатомного водорода механическим путем». (Толочь воду в ступе)
• «Положительное воздействие низкого коэффициента интеллекта на увеличение совокупности задач в процессе осуществления трудовой деятельности». (Работа дураков любит)
• «Солипсизм домашней птицы по отношению к нежвачным млекопитающим отряда парнокопытных». (Гусь свинье не товарищ)
• «Характерные внешние приметы как повод для узурпации наиболее благоприятного социального статуса на рынке». (Со свиным рылом в калашный ряд)
• «Антропоморфический подход к созданию брачной ячейки». (Кому и кобыла невеста)
• «Синдром отказа от легитимизации, опирающийся на отсутствие возможностей быстрой идентификации личности». (Я не я, и лошадь не моя)
• «Влияние сезонно-погодных условий на процесс бухгалтерского учета пернатых». (Цыплят по осени считают)
• «Амбивалентная природа нейронных импульсов, испускаемых корой головного мозга». (И хочется, и колется)
• «Закономерности соотношения длины ороговевшего эпидермиса с количеством серого вещества в черепной коробке». (Волос долог, да ум короток)
• «Разновидность юридического акта, превалирующего над валютными средствами». (Уговор дороже денег)
• «Недопустимость использования типовых элементов жилищной архитектуры при отрицании кульминационного проявления созерцательно-осязательных эмоций». (Любовь не картошка, не выбросишь в окошко)
• «Нейтральность вкусовых характеристик растения семейства крестоцветных по отношению к овощным культурам средней полосы России». (Хрен редьки не слаще)
• «Антитезисные свойства умственно-неполноценных субъектов в контексте выполнения государственных нормативных актов». (Дуракам закон не писан)
• «Отсутствие прогресса-регресса в метаболизме организма при изменении соотношения жиров и углеводов в традиционном блюде оседлых народов». (Кашу маслом не испортишь)
• «Место насекомовидных в иерархических системах пирамидального типа». (Всяк сверчок знай свой шесток)
• «Закономерность возрастания личностной ценности субъекта после получения травматического опыта». (За одного битого двух небитых дают)

What's the longest sentence known to man?
I do.

Went for dinner at a nice restaurant and asked the owner if they serve crabs. He replied yes, we serve anyone.

- Дорогой, у меня положительный тест.
- Вот блин, теперь две недели карантина.
- Врач сказал, что девять месяцев...

You know what kind of outfit a house wears?
Address!

Once upon a time there was a Knight who was in battle and was attacked from all sides. His name was Sir Ounded.

I ate a frozen apple.

Hard core.

So 2 potatoes are in an oven baking, 1 looks over at the other and says "man, it's hot in here." The other potato replies "OMG!!!! A talking potato!"

School is not hard.
Paying attention to something you’re not interested in is.

I received a weird phone call earlier from a shady character who demanded: "Ten grand in used notes, or you’ll never see your missus again!” Both of these options were quite tempting, but in the end, I decided to take the cash...

What is the most common owl in the UK?
The teatowel.

My Cousin is an Alanis Morissette tribute act who doesnt perform her biggest hit.
Which is Ironic.

I would tell you a joke about a needle in a haystack, but I don't think you'd see the point.

I used to be a motorcycle courier....

Those things are heavy.

"It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages."
— Friedrich Nietzsche

Be careful what you hear about somebody, you might be hearing it from the problem.

Why are pancakes careful about who they hang out with? Because the other guys can be real crepes

I learned to dance at an early age. We only had one bathroom.

I saw a person with no chin and all I could think was.....

How on earth do they change a pillow case..?

There's that moment when you put your steak on the grill, and your mouth waters from that amazing smell. I wonder if vegans feel the same when you mow the grass? 🤔

Two guys reach for the same record and one screams “MINE!!” One guy asks why he said that and the other says “Just for the record.”

I have developed a very intricate plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

A cook got fired for not cutting the vegetables a certain way.
Sorry, no dice.

I was doing a crossword earlier... 7 ACROSS: 'Not very manageable'
CH_L_ENGING
It wasn't difficult.

Health News Tip:
Keep your pepper on the table, but keep your salt 🧂 on the floor. It’s healthier that way. It’s low sodium.

Janitors don't get lost because they have a mop.

Over heard at a parts store.

"I need a headlight"

"What's it for?"

"So I can see at night"

I never finish anything. I have a Black Belt in Partial Arts.

A woman is in court for stealing a tin of peaches.
The judge asked her "how many peaches were there in the tin that you stole"?
She replied "four, your honour".
The judge said I am going to send you to prison for four month's for every peach, take her down.
Then her husband in the public gallery shouted "Your honour, I'd also like to add, she stole a tin of peas too!!"

If a dentist wins a competition for the best teeth cleaning, do they get a plaque??

I was sitting in the window seat of the aeroplane when I thought "They look like ants down there".
Then I realised that they probably were as we hadn't taken off yet.

Today I learned how to track Will Smith in the snow. Just follow the fresh prints.

How did the nucleus escape from prison?

Through the cell wall.

A woman hangs up after about a half-hour on the phone.
Her husband is surprised: "Wow, that was quick love- usually you are at it for two hours at least!"
Wife replies: "Yeah, well, it was a wrong number."

Every girl keeps an extra boyfriend & calls him bestfriend..

Did you hear about the poor old woman that was living in a tyre?
It burst, and now she's living in a flat.

Went into Boots and asked for a comb, the assistant said "Do you want a steel one" I said "No I'm happy to pay for it"

The most common sexual position for married couples is doggy style...

Where the husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead!

My friend's kid is seeing a child psychologist. I really think an adult would be better.

The cost of living has now become so bad that the wife is having sex with me because she can't afford the batteries!

I asked a prostitute who had no fingers for a handjob, but she just palmed me off!

King Midas wasn't always happy with his special power. He lost many friends and a few pets. All his life he was racked with gilt.

Do not regret past mistakes.
All decisions, good or bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.

Group sex with dwarves is a small perversion.

I saw a Cop on the roof of our local police office this morning, just sitting there thinking.
He had ideas above his station...

To ensure I won't die, I'll forever stay in my living room !

My wife says I'm childish and wants to leave me. I said just 5 more minutes on the swings and we'd go home together.

—Oye, hijo, ¿te castigaron en la escuela?

—No, mamá.

—¿Y esas dos planas? JAJAJAJÁ.

—¡Ya, mamá, deja de criticarle las nalgas a mi novia!