Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

A local farmer has trained his pigs to perform ballet. I’m going to see their production of swine lake.

"Dad" , "yes son ?" Where are the himalayans? I don't know ask your mom she puts everything away."

Яша Рабинович редко когда нервничает и сильно расстраивается - ему ведь за это не платят…

You are only likely to see this letter 🆃 once in a 🅻🅸🅵🅴🆃🅸🅼🅴

Went for a job interview on a building site mixing sand, gravel and cement...
I think I got the job but nothing's concrete yet.

What is made of leather, a foot long, and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe.

I wake up every morning with the joy and excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.

Todo pasa por algo, pero lo que no pasa también es por algo.

Me: I'm going as Harry Potter's godfather.
My wife: You can't be Sirius.

Whats the difference between illegal and unlawful??

Ones an act against the law and the other is a sick bird!

I have a joke about Afghanistan but it’s khandahard to explain.

Warning: do not accept a friend request from hormel foods...it could be spam.

I inherited my dad's sense of humor.
He's not funny either.

I once tried to swim the channel,got half way knew I woudnt make it so I swam back.

Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.

I was a knife sharpener but i couldn't deal with the daily grind.

The other day I had acupuncture done. When it was all done I was totally disappointed.

I went into my local printers today and said, "I need a 6 foot A, a 6 foot S and a 6 foot K, and I need them by tomorrow".

He said, "I'll see what I can do but it's a big ask...”

The leader of the lumber company is the chairman of the board.

My friend:Who's skull is that?
Me:(taking a sip from the skull) Some guy named Phillip
My friend: What's in it?
Me:Vodka and orange juice. It's a Phillips head screwdriver.

— Моня, разделяешь ли ты мое мнение?
— Да, дорогая, еще как разделяю, аж на две части. Часть первую отвергаю полностью, ну, а со второй не согласен категорически.

I saw my math teacher with a piece of graph paper yesterday. I think he’s plotting something!

Much like a dog, men will pretty much do anything you want if you feed them first.

A friend of mine said it was a dog-eat-dog world. I said yea, it's ruff out there.

A guy with a giant pumpkin head meets his friend.
His friend asks "what the hell happened, why do you have a giant pumpkin head?'
The guy explains, "well, I met a genie and he give me three wishes..."
"So what the hell happened"
"Well, first I wished for £30 million pounds.. and I got it. For my second wish I wished for a beautiful lady"
And his friend interrupts "yeah, but, what happened"
"Well, for the third wish, that's where I really screwed up"
"Yeah, how... Why"
" I wished for a giant pumpkin head".

What did the O say to the Q?

Dude, your dick is hanging out!

I tried to learn from an electrician, but i never understood Watt he was talking about!

What runs around a yard with out moving?
A fence.

When I was in carpentry school, I had a very tough drill instructor.

I do everything faster when I have to pee.

Did you hear my joke about construction?

I am still working on it.

Have you ever woken up, kissed the person beside you, and just felt glad that you are alive?
I did that, and apparently will not be allowed to fly on Easyjet ever again.

I'm writing a book about hurricanes and tornadoes.
It's only a draft at the moment.

Not sure if the remaining members of Queen still sign autographs.

Brian May.

You are paid by how hard you are to replace. Not by how hard you work.

Who was the most high-tech prophet?

Moses, he used a tablet.

You might die of thirst if you get stranded in the desert, but you'll never go hungry. That's because of all of the sand which is there.

Straws are for suckers.

I was raised by horses. Odd, I know, but I had a stable childhood.

—Que ojos tan grandes tienes
—Para verte mejor
—Y que orejotas
—Para escucharte mejor
—Y que iPhone tan grande..
—Es un iPad PENDEJA

- Дело не в том, что ваша семья богата, я действительно люблю вашу дочь и хочу на ней жениться.
- На которой из трех?
- На любой...

- Доктор, у меня жопа болит.
- В каком месте?
- У самого входа.
- Пока вы будете называть это место входом - оно будет болеть.

I went down on one knee last night. These native American woman have weird names.

Dating a Chinese girl is so hard. I gifted her puppies and kittens and she ate them.

Don't worry about the grass on the other side. It's not your grass.

Matthew McConaughey: All right, all right, all right

UK Matthew McConaughey: quite right, quite right, quite right

What kind of music does Mickey Mouse listen to when traveling?

Car tunes.

I have a couple friends that tried carpentry. Only one nailed it, the other one screwed up.

My very favorite dishes are all cooked with petroleum byproducts. I guess you could say I have refined taste.

Trying to be a good husband. Can anyone tell me, if my wife asks me to bring her the broom, is it controlling and over possessive to ask where she is going?

Whoever said a little positivity wouldn't kill you...obviously didn't have a negative blood type.

Why do sharks swim in salt water?
Cause Pepper makes them sneeze!

Yesterday I got on the Treadmill for 45 minutes.
Today I switched it on and set it running.
Tomorrow I’ll do both 🏃🏼‍♂️🏃🏼‍♂️🏃🏼‍♂️🏃🏼‍♂️.

Superman wears his underwear outside his pants and he's a "hero".

I do, and I'm "weird", "creepy" and "never invited over again."

Some of us learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us have to be the others.

“There is more than one way to burn a book. And the world is full of people running about with lit matches.”

—Ray Bradbury

When driving yesterday, I heard an annoying noise coming from the car.
When I stopped, my wife got out to check the engine, so I drove off.

What do you call an Irishman hanging from the ceiling?

Sean DeLear.

My number one rule to live by...
Don't die.

Q: what goes oh oh oh?
A: Santa walking backwards.

“Nothing can cure the soul but the senses, just as nothing can cure the senses but the soul.”
― Oscar Wilde.

Just got a phone call from my local police station. They said they want to interview me. I don’t remember applying for a job there, but it sounds promising.

I was lying in my driveway thinking "Which of my mates just kicked the jack from under my car?"
The suspension was killing me.

I hate when I intend to dilly-dally, but end up lollygagging & gallivanting instead.

Knowledge is like underwear.
It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.

Trabaja duro en silencio y deja que tu éxito haga todo el ruido.

“To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness.”
~ Robert Morley

I was a bookkeeper for 10 years.

The local library wasn’t too happy about it.

The ones who say "you can't" and "you won't" are the ones scared that you will.

Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.

Prison libraries have their prose
and cons.

Why can athletes lift more than prisoners?

Because the pros outweigh the cons.

Jump from a bridge in Paris? Are you in Seine?

Q: Why is combining a proton and an electron to make a neutron so popular?

A: It’s free of charge.

Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.

Went for a job interview at a blacksmiths.
He said: "You ever shoed a horse before?"
I said: "No, but I told a donkey to get lost once."

I can’t stop taking pictures of myself in front of boiling water.

I have Selfie Steam Issues.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still remain stationery.

Why did Karl Marx like herbal tea. Because proper tea is theft.

На самом деле братьев Запашных было гораздо больше.
Выжили только самые невкусные.