Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Why are balloons scared of Michael Jackson's music?

Because he is the "King of Pop"

"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them."

By William Shakespeare.

The direction is more important than speed... Going 100 miles per hour in the wrong direction is worse than going 1 mile per hour in the right way!!!

What do you call a dog in a submarine?

A sub woofer.

We will continue having meetings until we find out why no work is getting done.

A family of chickpeas was killed.
It was a hummuside.

Teacher: "Simon, can you say your name backwards?"

Simon: "No Mis". ☺️

It's okay to kiss a nun, but don't get into the habit.

Why does Waldo wear stripes?
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted!

I've been wanting to post a trigonometry joke... But I just can't find the right angle.

I've decided to make an elite army of babies.

I'll call them The Infantry.

Bitcoin: it's tech-nickel.

Can anyone remember that chiropractor joke I posted about a week back?

If at first you don' t succeed, bomb defusing is not for you.

Lawyer: "I'm not saying another word without my lawyer present."
Police: "But you are the lawyer"
Lawyer: "Exactly, where's my present?"

Emocionarse por la felicidad de otro es ser feliz dos veces.

What do you say to an elephant in a tree?

Get down!

Listen, if drunk me said or did something, you gotta take it up with drunk me.

Don’t come at sober me because we weren’t there. We don’t know what happened...

Bought a bookcase that requires assembly. Directions are shelf-explanatory.

I got into a taxi this morning and the driver said:
'Do you mind if I put some music on?'
I said: 'No, not at all'..
He said: 'Kiss?'
I said: 'Let's start with the music and see how we feel.'

Just got a new job as a church bell ringer.

It's my first day so they're just showing me the ropes. ☺️

What did the happy cricket say to the sad cricket ?
Chirrup !

If cigarette tax is to discourage smoking, is income tax to discourage working?

Он ушел давно, оставив ей на память лишь учебник Русского языка, а она все еще скучала по ихним прогулкам и евонной улыбке.

I bought coconut shampoo today, but when I got home, I realized...

I don't even *have* a coconut...

- ¡Cariño, cariño! me han dicho que soy explosiva
- No, no, te han dicho que eres una petarda.

What's the difference between zero degrees and a jalapeno pepper?
One is really really cold, the other is just a little chile.

I was unsuited to become a nudist.

BREAKING NEWS.

A Frenchman has fallen through the roof of a Bakery in Paris.

An emergency services spokesman said
"He is in a load of pain"!

Chemically speaking, the only difference between male and Female is an iron.

Did you hear of the New Year's Eve Cantata that ended with a soprano solo?

They wanted to end the year on a high note.

My friend Tim broke up with his girlfriend Ruth via text message.
Tim is ruthless.

What do you get if you are bitten by a red head?
Gingervitis.

- Фима, как у тебя с Симочкой?
- Мы расстались.
- A шо случилось?
- Я думал, любимая, а посчитал - дорогая!

How do snails fight?

They slug it out. ☺️

I've got the memory of an elephant.
I remember going to the zoo and seeing an elephant.

They say carrots are good for your eyes but i find beer is better, it doubles your vision.

It’s not hard to win the lottery. All you have to do is pick the same numbers they do.

I went to a comedy club the other night and a pig was performing.
Honestly, he was a total boar.

I've just been fired from my job as a human cannonball.

A midge was left speechless after being pickpocketed...he never believed anyone could stoop so low...

Me: What’s black and white and red all over?
A newspaper....
Kids today:
What’s a newspaper?

Spotted a mouse in the house. I took a photo, and although he didn’t say cheese, I could tell he was thinking it.

Can a match box?
No, but a tin can.

If you follow up Amen with Awoman, you are Amoron.

I've never really fancied trying the bobsleigh but I'd probably have a go if pushed...

Years ago, I dated a woman who worked at Kodak Film Company.
Nothing developed.

Why did Santa put his CDs in the snow? He wanted some cool music...

— Здравствуйте, доктор, у меня болит живот.
— А что вы вчера ели?
— Голубя ел.
— А вы голого голубя ели?
— Да, поймал, ощипал и голого голубя ел.
— А вы голову голубя ели?
— Да, голову голубя ел.
— А вы голую голову голубя ели?
— Ну, голую голову голубя ел. А в чём, собственно, дело?
— Хм-м-м... Честно говоря, я логопед, но чем смог — помог!

A friend of mine had a very successful round of golf, then went to let the dentist have a look at his teeth. He got a hole in one.

Girl, are you Jupiter? because I like looking at you through a telescope.

I gave my french girlfriend a pendant with "le monde" carved in.

It means the world to her.

Banks should do a better job to ensure their ATMs are filled. I have gone to 5 ATMs and they are all saying insufficient funds.

I have this uncontrollable urge to buy whenever there's a book sale.

I don't have shelf control.

Why do farts smell?
.
.
.
So deaf people have something to laugh at, too.

"What is a bunny without a carrot?" - "Hungry!"

The first house I lived in was so bad, the Council pulled it down and built a slum!

Seeking one night stand... possibly two because I have two lamps.

We we’re so poor growing up. We couldn’t even afford clothes.
On my 15th birthday I got a hat so I could look out of the window.

Q What’s the difference between a giraffe and a forklift truck?
A a forklift truck has hydraulics.

Q What’s the difference between a giraffe and a forklift truck?
A a forklift truck has hydraulics.

What's the most stupid animal in a jungle?

A polar bear.

What did the science book say to the math book before their break up?

“I’m incomplete without you but you’ve got too many problems and no chemistry”

Why did one frog refuse to say 'Hi' to another?
He was a toadal stranger!

«Las personas que prefieren estar solas tienen algunas malditas buenas razones para ello».
—Charles Bukowski.

My son wanted to be a history teacher, but I told him there's no future in it!

If you go outside, you will be outstanding.

Me: I'd like to buy a hotdog with ketchup, please.
Vendor: Sorry...cash only.

My grandmother's last words before she kicked the bucket were, 'Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?'

I'm thinking of going into the balloon business. Costs may be inflated, but I hear there's lots of expansion potential.

What kind of tea do astronauts not drink in space? Gravi-Tea!

Главное это не попутать практикующего психолога с психующим проктологом.

Pretty sure I got a new job at a masonry company, but it’s not set in stone yet so I’m not taking it for granite.

Как правильно писать : "приехал к ней, наорал" или "приехал к ней на орал" ?

A friend of mine thought that the local farmer was a magician because he heard that he had turned his cows into a field.

My wife thinks I'm an intellect without any social awareness. How she words it "You're an asshole"

I went to the local book shop and asked where the self help section was. The shop assistant told me that if she told me where it was, that would defeat the purpose.

The wife asked me what’s best thing about a blow job?

I replied, the five minutes of silence!

My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them.

Mark Zuckerberg went to the Library to ask if they have a book on Faces.