Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Cement Company makes Concrete proposal to sacked workers.

Why is it that people with rubbish cameras and shakey hands, are the only people to see UFO's ?

Water company going through a liquidity crisis.

I'm fine with alcohol and weed, but cocaine is where I draw the line.

Why do breweries put beer in small metal containers?

Because they can.

My friend plays the violin and makes me hold up the music sheets while he plays. I'm sick of doing it, so now I'm making a stand.

Theres a new movie on netflix about semi trucks.

You should watch the trailer.

“You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.”

Bob Dylan

God when creating ducks..
Waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo!

Would it be possible to cross an eel with an eagle? Absolutely not. That would be eeleagle.

Why didn’t Guns N Roses turn up for the gig when it was snowing?
Axel Froze.

Growing up we had a horse that only stayed awake when it was dark.
It was a night mare.

I pulled a muscle while digging for gold...
It’s a miner injury.

I think that thinking about thoughts of thinking are too thinkable for thoughts to be thought about thinking... I think.

I got my test results back this morning, and I'm shocked to find that I've been diagnosed with OCD.
I've rung the doctor's nine times to check if they're correct.

Spanish : " Amor cuerdo no as Amor "
--- José Martí

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don't come into work.

What's the difference between a tick and the Eiffel tower?
Nothing they're both Paris sites.

Why is blue the best color?
It's cyan-tifically proven.

I have a pet tree.
It's like having a pet dog but its bark is quiet!

I got arrested for stealing a complete set of encyclopedias...

I said to the police “Hang on, I can explain everything...”

A Woman Sends a Text to Her Husband
“Honey, don't forget to buy BREAD when you come home from work and your girlfriend Valerie greets you.”
Husband: Who is Valerie?
Wife: Nobody, I just wanted you to answer, to have confirmation that you saw my text.
Husband: But I’m with Valerie right now, I thought you saw me?
Wife: What??! Where are you?
Husband: Near the bakery.
Wife: Wait, I’m coming right now!
After 5 minutes, his wife sends a message:
Wife: I’m at the bakery, where are you?
Husband: I’m at work. Now that you’re at the bakery , buy the bread !

Nothing says 'I don't take you seriously' like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

"You can never be wise and be in love at the same time."
--- Bob Dylan

"You wake up every morning to fight the same demons that left you so tired the night before, and that, my love, is bravery."

Two best advices for a safe life:
1. Always speak the truth, no matter how harsh it is.
2. Run immediately after saying it.

Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He just couldn't resistor.

Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.

I went to a nightclub that was full of Orcs, Hobbits and Elves...

It was Mordor on the dancefloor...

"I'm a survivor—a living example of what people can go through and survive."
—Elizabeth Taylor

I ran into my friend Mark who stole my dictionary.

I said, “Mark, my words!”

What does a painter do when he's cold ?

Puts on another coat.

At my age I have seen it all, I have done it all, I have heard it all...?.....I just don't remember it all!

There are two types of people in this world:
1. People who can extrapolate from incomplete data

I have the heart of a lion, also a lifetime ban from the safari park!

A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, we dont serve your kind here. The mushroom asks. "why not? im a "fun guy".

You may not have heard the rumour about butter...but I'm going to start spreading it.

I got into a heated argument with a snowman...
...in which he lost his cool and had a total meltdown.

Чтобы проверить курю я или нет, родители перед уходом оставляли газ включенным.

- Девушка, давайте вечером встретимся!
- Я согласна, но учтите - на первом свидании я сексом не занимаюсь.
- А у меня такое чувство, что мы с вами давно знакомы.

"Cada persona que conoces está peleando en una batalla de la que no sabes nada. Sé amable. Siempre".
- Robin Williams.

"The first symptom of true love in a man is timidity, in a young woman, boldness."
By Victor Hugo, Les Misérables

Did you hear about the website for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?

It's a site for sore eyes.

Q: Where in this world would you find opera singing aliens?
A: ARIA 51!!!!!!

What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

When butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans in their stomach?

I called the newspaper to place an a ad,
But I couldn't tell the lady about it
because it was classified .

Йога - это разминка перед Камасутрой.

What do sea monsters eat?

Fish and ships.

Elton John is a huge fan of Dwayne Johnson and Pennywise The Clown.

He's a Rock It man.

My wife! Honestly! Such a dirty, lazy person. Every time I go for a pee in the sink it’s full of unwashes dishes!

As the shoe said to the hat, 'You go on ahead, and I'll follow on foot'.

There are 70 ways to keep a man happy.
1 is alcohol.
Rest is 69.

Why do black holes enjoy karaoke?

'Cause they love the sing-hilarity.

"Time is what we want most, but what we use worst."
— William Penn

" Fiction is the lie through which we tell the truth. "
• Albert Camus

Whether a vacuum is on or off, it's always collecting dust.

My wife is leaving me because she thinks I'm too old fashioned!

I'll wager a sixpence she's courting another chap.

I have been telling English jokes all my life, here is one in spanish.
Uno.

I just bought a Lettuce that used to belong to The Mamas & the Papas...

All the leaves are brown...

My body is just a filter.

Coffee goes in, sarcasm comes out.

Stop wasting your words on people who deserve your silence

“When stupidity is considered patriotism, it is unsafe to be intelligent.”
~Isaac Asimov

People who don't eat gluten are really going against the grain.

I went to the doctors today, "Oh dear," he said as he clutched my testicles. "This isn't good."

"What is it doc? What have I got?" I asked all worried.

He cleared his throat, let go of my balls and said, "An erection!"

The seven dwarfs were in bed feeling happy. When happy got out they started to feeling grumpy.

I feel uncomfortable around short people. What if they try to bite my knee.

Our local shop has just been robbed of 200 cans of Red Bull.

How do these people sleep at night? ☺️

There’s a new film coming out called “Carry on Fishing”.
It’s like the old Carry On films but with a different cast.

My friend was expelled from Asia. That's right--he was disoriented.

Sometimes I like to lay there at night and look up to the stars and think...
where the hell has my ceiling gone?

"This storm is making me tired," said the boy. "Storms get tired too," said the horse, "so hold on." ~ Charlie Mackesy

How to catch a squirrel?
Go in a forest and act nuts.

"The best way to keep a prisoner from escaping is to make sure he never knows he's in prison."
~ Fyodor Dostoevsky

"Birds born in a cage think flying is a disease."
~ Alejandro Jodorowsky

Breakups can be worse than death cause they’re still alive they just don’t want you...

“I believe a strong woman may be stronger than a man, particularly if she happens to have love in her heart. I guess a loving woman is indestructible.”
— John Steinbeck, East of Eden

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
BREATHE!!!

“The more you love a memory, the stronger and stranger it becomes.”
— Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

Why is it hard to wash the dishes at Christmas? Because the Fairy is on top of the tree...