Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

На самом деле братьев Запашных было гораздо больше.
Выжили только самые невкусные.

Sometimes I question my sanity.

Sometimes it replies.

If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight, there would be mass confusion.

“Hey, do you mind calling me a taxi?”

“Whatever you say, Ataxi! Seems like a strange nickname, though.”

I bought a small orange soda at the Jennifer Paige concert.

It's just a little Crush.

There's a rumor going around about the Canadian Prime Minister.

It's Trudeau.

They say there is nothing in the world harder than a diamond. There is… paying for it.

A man walking down the street sees another man with a dog and asks, "Why is your dog wearing brown boots?"

The other man replies, "Because his black ones are being mended!"

I've cut down on my drinking, and now only have one whisky before going to bed...

Last night I went to bed eight times!

What do you call a computer smoking weed?

High tech.

How does a computer learn new things?
Bit by bit.

How do you start a book about ducks?
With an introducktion.

My friend opened a jewelers shop last year.
He wasn't successful though... The owner called the police.

Cop stopped me doing 110 mph in my Lamborghini today and asked me, "do you know why I pulled you over?"
I replied, "Because I let you."

I married a horse. We have a stable relationship.

What did bacon suffer from before it was cured ?

Teacher asks Johnny, "What is the chemical formula for water?"

Johnny replies, "H I J K L M N O."

"What are you talking about?" the teacher replied.

Johnny, "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"

Did you hear about the idiot who was given a pair of water skis for his birthday?

He’s spent the last six months looking for a lake with a slope.

Boy, Can I go to a 50 Cent concert?
Father, Sure, Here's a dollar,
Take your sister.

My kids were fighting over which one of them gets to eat the last slice of pizza.
I ran over, knocked them both aside and devoured it myself.
Felt it was my duty to keep the piece.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
“Ya know, one would have been enough.”

"Хрен, положенный на мнение окружающих, обеспечивает спокойную и счастливую жизнь"
Ф.Г. Раневская

Продам прибор для электрофореза.
Плюсы: анод
Минусы: катод

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused food, drinks. He spat and swore at anyone who came near him and started throwing things everywhere.

After that we NEVER played Monopoly again.

Why did the football pitch become a triangle ?

Because someone took a corner !

My neighbour banged on the wall at 4.20am, can you believe that??
Lucky I was still up playing my music....
He banged and shouted "can we have a little respect please"
So I shouted back "I'm not a big Erasure fan, but ok this ones for you”

What's the difference between a banjo and an accordion?

A: You can toss a banjo farther

Я так люблю перчатки, что готов носить их на руках.
🤲

Being a little older, I am very fortunate to have someone call and check on me everyday. He is from India and is very concerned about my car warranty.

"Sometimes it's better to kill your words and bury them in your heart than to utter them to unlistening ears."
- Emad Abdul Ghani

My Ex-Girlfriend was heavily into Feng Shui and always had to decorate each room herself.
But since she moved out the Tables have turned.

Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.

What's the best letter to have in summer? Iced T.

I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no.

Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

If you speak too slowly, I will complete all your sentences in my mind in ways that makes your story much more interesting.

My calendar only has dates like the 1st, 3rd, 5th and 7th. It's very odd.

My calendar won't last long. It's days are numbered.

How come when a Dog licks it's privates in public, its OK
But when my Father did it he got thrown out of the Army.

Someone has removed the fifth month from all of my calendars. I'm dismayed.

Just went into a shop and said, "Can I pay by card?" The cashier said, "No problem, what card do you have?"
I said, "The six of spades!"

Went into the kitchen this morning, the wife was face-down and not breathing. I panicked and didn't know what to do...

Then I remembered that McDonald's do breakfast until 10.30!

"Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know."

~Earnest Hemingway

The automobile tire installer finally retired.

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

My horse is a rubbish dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.

Did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 are the same

10+10=20 11+11=22.

I have a joke about the Jedi Religion... but it's a little forced.

I had an appointment with a fortune teller today.
She told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I left all excited and got run over by a Securicor van!

😯-"Doctor, doctor I can't feel my legs!"
👨‍🦳-"I know,we amputed your hands"

Be aware of people warning of heavy Snow tonight.
It's flake news.

What did the cowboy say at his second rodeo? "This ain't my first rodeo!"

I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.

Date a realtor, he has a lot to offer.

A patient sobs to his doctor, "I feel like a pair of curtains!" - Doctor: "Well pull yourself together man!

The Middle Ages were called the Dark Ages because there were too many knights.

Preserve your musical instruments using clarified butter and black petroleum liquid:
Free ghee-tar lessons!

My kids were fighting over the last slice of cake.

I ran over and ate it myself just to keep the piece.

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “Listening. I would say listening is my biggest weakness.”

Во время утренней пробежки у меня очень напряжённое лицо. Со стороны это выглядит, будто у меня инфаркт, но я решил сам добраться до больницы.

I'm more than 60 years old and never used essential oils.
It makes me wonder how essential they really are.

A woodcutter once decided to build his own motor bike. He used wood for the frame, wood for the engine, wood for the brakes, and even a wooden gas tank.

Did he ride it? No...

It wooden start!

What do you use to find your way around Alcatraz island? A con-tour map.

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

Electricians have to strip to make ends meet ⚡

I told my friend that people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them.
He said, “By mistake ?”
I replied “Not you as well !!”

Next time someone says “I can’t stand it anymore,” ask them if they tried sitting it down. 🤷🏼‍♀️

ПОСЛОВИЦЫ И ПОГОВОРКИ НАУЧНЫМ ЯЗЫКОМ
• «Дуалистический принцип использования сельскохозяйственных орудий на гидроповерхности». (Вилами по воде писано)
• «Бинарный характер высказываний индивидуума, утратившего социальную активность». (Бабушка надвое сказала)
• «Проблемы транспортировки жидкостей в сосудах с переменной структурой плотности». (Носить воду в решете)
• «Оптимизация динамики работы тяглового средства передвижения, сопряжённая с устранением изначально деструктивной транспортной единицы». (Баба с возу — кобыле легче)
• «Нестандартные методы лечения сколиоза путем отправления ритуальных услуг». (Горбатого могила исправит)
• «Проблемы повышения мелкодисперсионности оксида двухатомного водорода механическим путем». (Толочь воду в ступе)
• «Положительное воздействие низкого коэффициента интеллекта на увеличение совокупности задач в процессе осуществления трудовой деятельности». (Работа дураков любит)
• «Солипсизм домашней птицы по отношению к нежвачным млекопитающим отряда парнокопытных». (Гусь свинье не товарищ)
• «Характерные внешние приметы как повод для узурпации наиболее благоприятного социального статуса на рынке». (Со свиным рылом в калашный ряд)
• «Антропоморфический подход к созданию брачной ячейки». (Кому и кобыла невеста)
• «Синдром отказа от легитимизации, опирающийся на отсутствие возможностей быстрой идентификации личности». (Я не я, и лошадь не моя)
• «Влияние сезонно-погодных условий на процесс бухгалтерского учета пернатых». (Цыплят по осени считают)
• «Амбивалентная природа нейронных импульсов, испускаемых корой головного мозга». (И хочется, и колется)
• «Закономерности соотношения длины ороговевшего эпидермиса с количеством серого вещества в черепной коробке». (Волос долог, да ум короток)
• «Разновидность юридического акта, превалирующего над валютными средствами». (Уговор дороже денег)
• «Недопустимость использования типовых элементов жилищной архитектуры при отрицании кульминационного проявления созерцательно-осязательных эмоций». (Любовь не картошка, не выбросишь в окошко)
• «Нейтральность вкусовых характеристик растения семейства крестоцветных по отношению к овощным культурам средней полосы России». (Хрен редьки не слаще)
• «Антитезисные свойства умственно-неполноценных субъектов в контексте выполнения государственных нормативных актов». (Дуракам закон не писан)
• «Отсутствие прогресса-регресса в метаболизме организма при изменении соотношения жиров и углеводов в традиционном блюде оседлых народов». (Кашу маслом не испортишь)
• «Место насекомовидных в иерархических системах пирамидального типа». (Всяк сверчок знай свой шесток)
• «Закономерность возрастания личностной ценности субъекта после получения травматического опыта». (За одного битого двух небитых дают)

What's the longest sentence known to man?
I do.

Went for dinner at a nice restaurant and asked the owner if they serve crabs. He replied yes, we serve anyone.

- Дорогой, у меня положительный тест.
- Вот блин, теперь две недели карантина.
- Врач сказал, что девять месяцев...

You know what kind of outfit a house wears?
Address!

Once upon a time there was a Knight who was in battle and was attacked from all sides. His name was Sir Ounded.

I ate a frozen apple.

Hard core.

So 2 potatoes are in an oven baking, 1 looks over at the other and says "man, it's hot in here." The other potato replies "OMG!!!! A talking potato!"

School is not hard.
Paying attention to something you’re not interested in is.

I received a weird phone call earlier from a shady character who demanded: "Ten grand in used notes, or you’ll never see your missus again!” Both of these options were quite tempting, but in the end, I decided to take the cash...

What is the most common owl in the UK?
The teatowel.

My Cousin is an Alanis Morissette tribute act who doesnt perform her biggest hit.
Which is Ironic.

I would tell you a joke about a needle in a haystack, but I don't think you'd see the point.