Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Sad news, the Italian chef pasta way.😢

I am a very self disciplined person. I can resist anything except temptation.

Everyone was angry at me for throwing a snowball at my son...
But why completely ban me from the maternity ward?

Взял кредит на огнетушитель. Всё никак не могу погасить.

I think it's a disgrace on society and our education system when after 50 years, most people have no idea who Neil Armstrong is.
.

Or what kind of trumpet he played.

Before I got married I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put milk back in the fridge!

—¡Salí del Closet!
—Ay, ¿Eres gay?
—No
—¿Vienes de Narnia?
—Tampoco
—¿Entonces?
—¿Tu nunca jugaste al Escondite idiota?

If I had 50c every time I failed a maths test...

I'd have $6.30 right now.

My wife and I share a sense of humour.
We have to because she hasn’t got one.

I was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "That's my husband! Quick try the back door!"
Thinking back, I should have really legged it, but you don't get invites like that every day!

—¿Cómo estás, mi cielo?
—Parcialmente nublado.

I read that 10 out of 2 people are dyslexic.

I'm flying with an Indian airline tomorrow but they only allow curry on baggage.

I was speaking to Matt Damon earlier, he said he wished he'd never been Bourne.

At any given time, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is never more than a whim away.

What do you call a paper airplane that can't fly?
Stationary.

I phoned my local Builder’s merchant for skip hire advice
They told me to use a shorter rope !

The Israelis i'm sure were the first to have Yahoo on the internet, they've had Net and Yahoo for years.

—Dios, ¡estás delgadisíma! Dime tu secreto.

—Vivo en África.

Why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?

Swarm.

The pessimist saw cups half empty.
The optimist saw cups half full.
The lady slapped them both for staring.

Wife: why is that bottle of whiskey you bought today already half empty??

Me: Because you're a PESSIMIST.

You know the difference between a dentist and a sadist, don’t you?
Newer magazines.

A real man doesn't stand there and watch his girl pay for anything.
That's why I wait in the car.

I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels, she didn't know I existed.

I have an eye joke, its a blinking good one.

Бабушка не отличалась фантазией и поэтому одного кота назвала Вася, а другого Невася.

I'm heading to Greenwich later today. Wondering what I should do in the Mean Time?

‘Laughter’ has an ‘L’ and then much ‘aughter’.

I don't have mirrors in my house,
I mean who wanna see disappointment everyday?

I don't think all those screwdrivers
really belong to Philip.

I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.

How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one. They change them into frogs.

Do you know what makes me smile? - My facial muscles.

What swims in the river at 100mph?

A Motor Pike.

If you’ve seen one indoor shopping center, you’ve seen the mall!

- Дорогой, где ты был?
- Бегал.
- Странно, но футболка сухая и совсем не пахнет.
- Тебе надо сдать тест на коронавирус.

A well dressed and wealthy looking couple entered an inline skate store somewhere in the more affluent part of Hollywood. The store clerk greets them warmly:"Good morning Sir, Madam. Please feel free to browse and I will be here if you require assistance", obviously smelling some commission.

"Thank you", acknowledged the couple and soon after they returned to the store clerk with a pair of Dunlop inlines.
"We'll take these", announced the husband
The somewhat snooty store clerk was mildly taken aback said:"Sir I can tell you're here to do business and not waste anyone's time, so why not look at our more exclusive range? We have the best in Nike, Adidas, Reebok, Spalding and many more. Why are you settling for Dunlop's?"

Husband replies:"Oh it's for our daughter's birthday. She just became a teen and this is her first pair of skates. We are happy with the Dunlops for now thank you.", and on that note they paid and left.

Moments later another customer enters and the clerk says:"Morning and welcome. Please feel free to look at our exclusive range with only the best names in sport"

The customer replies:"I just need a pair of cheap skates for every day use"

Clerk signals to the door with his head and said:"Sorry sir, but the last pair just left the shop..."

You want to see my air guitar? Sure which one? The electric or the acoustic ?

A few goths I know where in a band called The Prevention. Much better than The Cure.

Not many ladies at the German food market this morning.
It was a real Sausage fest.

Le dije:Te amo. Me dijo: Gracias.
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They say "if there's a will there's a way", but I say if there's a will there are relatives you never knew you had....

Медиум вынужден был прекратить сеанс, так как не смог собраться с духом.

What did the girl say to the game developer with erectile dysfunction?

Ubisoft.

I get blamed 40% of the time. The other 60% I'm asleep.

If this economy gets any worse the band will have to layoff one of it's Durans.

If a dentist marries a carpenter, will they fight tooth and nail ??

How old were you when you realised you were old?

You have so much inner beauty it's causing swelling.

I have a friend who’s half Indian...

Ian.

— Что будет, если поджечь гея?
— Голубой огонек.

How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!

I was driving along this lovely lane when I saw a sign saying "Man digging road". I thought, "It's cool, I'm digging it too, man".

Foreplay requires a lot of beating about the Bush.

Boys don’t cheat, they practice with other girls to be better boyfriends.

- Цилечка, тебе успокоительное в каплях или в таблетках?
- Таки неси уже в рюмке..

On a sign outside a
secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

I don’t want to end this year on bad terms with anyone.

Apologize to me now.

How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

I apologise for my incessant lightbulb jokes recently.

I was in a very dark place.

"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up."
- Mark Twain's Notebook

— Estoy preocupado doctor, últimamente no puedo recordar nada.
— ¿Desde cuándo tiene este problema?
— ¿Cuál problema?

Why should u buy a WiFi enabled espresso machine?
To get the latest Java updates.

When the girl next door told her friend she thought I was creepy, I nearly fell out of her wardrobe.

My wife has an identical twin sister that I've met once and only once...

I came home early one day when she was visiting and fucking some guy on my settee, but I've never seen her again since then!

Went to the doctor's and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed but she said "Don't worry, I'm a professional. I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can"

I said "I think my cock tastes funny!"

—Vamos a coger.
—¿Traes protección?
—Sí, mi mamá me puso suéter y mi abuelita me persignó.
—¡MÉTEMELA YA!

Чтобы наступающий Год Быка был удачным, надо обязательно в новогоднюю ночь вызвать тёлок.

"Right class," said the teacher. "Who can make a sentence with the word 'contagious'?"

Little Johnny threw up his hand excitedly.

"Yes, Johnny?"

"My dad saw our neighbour painting his fence with a little brush, and said it'll take the contageous!"

I have a friend who lives near a cliff. He keeps telling me to drop over.

Just a quick reminder, anyone that's recived a book from me for Christmas, they're due back at the library by the 21st.

My son asked me where poo comes from. I was a little uncomfortable, but I gave an honest explanation. He looked a little perplexed, and stared in stunned silence for a few minutes before saying, “what about Tigger?”

I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution....

1024x768.

What kind of music do chiropractor’s like?

Hip pop.

A man was driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."The man sa,ys, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks."In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

Where do typists go for a drink?

" The Space Bar"

After graduating high school,
I went to medical school
And on the first day, at the entrance we were asked to rearrange the word #PNEIS to form the name of the most important body part.
.
.
Let me just say that those who spelt #spine are now medical doctors and those who spelt p*nis were sent home.

I want to talk about hot dogs. It's time for a frank conversation.