Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Today I learned not all people are appreciative of ventriloquism.

Especially my gynecologist.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”

What do you call a penguin in the Sahara?

Lost.

I heard Placebo on the radio.

I actually thought it was The Cure.

I asked Santa for a new butt for Christmas because mine has a crack in it.

When your bored find a great parking spot at the mall and sit in the car with your reverse lights on!

I called a local pizza place the other night and said, “Do you do takeaways?” They said “Yes”, so I said “what’s 23452 minus 345?”

О водке или хорошо, или не пей.
🥃
Водка - удивительный напиток: вкус постоянно один, а приключения всегда разные!
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- Интересно, а что будет, если выпить очень много водки?
- Будет послезавтра...
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- А ты знаешь, кто самый лучший учитель пения???
- Литр водки!
🥃
Многие думают, что водка - это выход. Ребята, это вход.
🥃
- Девушка, а вы водку будете?
- Да вы что? Я вообще в рот не беру!
- Это конечно жаль, но про водку вы так и не ответили...
🥃
Водка - это психотерапевт, у которого часы приёма в удобное для вас время.
🥃
- С одной стороны водку пить хорошо, а с другой - неудобно.
- Почему?
- А с другой стороны горлышка нет.
🥃
Хороший собеседник - не только слушает, но и подливает…
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По статистике 75% звонков в субботу осуществляется с целью уточнить место пьянки.
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Когда Далю были нужны новые слова, он приезжал в деревню, разбивал на глазах мужиков 2-3 бутылки водки, а потом стоял и записывал.
🥃
-Ты бы хотел внезапно очнуться в будущем?
- Да.
- Тогда я вот тут три пол-литра принёс…
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100 грамм русской водки заменяют час медитации, а после пол-литра открываются все чакры и третий глаз начинает видеть в каждой женщине красавицу.
🥃
- Опишите своё отношение к алкоголю одним словом.
- Буду.
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- Здравствуйте, это служба поддержки?
- Да.
- Мне одиноко и очень тоскливо, всё надоело, хочу напиться!
- Поддерживаю.

🥃 Интеллигентный человек должен иногда напиваться, чтобы выдержать общение с дураками.
Э.Хэменгуэй

What picture does an ELF click?

sELFie

Do firecrackers actually crack?

Is it called hatred if you hate red?

For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus. It's the little things that count.

The electrician passed away. In his honour, they switched off all lights & mourned in deep shock.

I was watching the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra when all of a sudden the guy on the triangle just disappeared.

I told my fiancee I’d forgotten to buy her a Xmas present. She said OK as it’s Boxing Day you can have your ring back.

Sign over a Gynecologist Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

I like to cook with wine. Sometimes I put it in the food 🍷

My daughter asked me what it was like to have kids, so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.

BREAKING NEWS!
Elton John's e-reader device has been blown away by Storm Bella...

Like a Kindle in the wind.

At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

I got a broken drum for Christmas...No one can beat that 😃

I went to a really trendy nightclub the other night. The doorman said to me "Sorry mate, I can’t let you in, you've had too many!"
I said "What, drinks?"
He said "No, birthdays".

-¿A qué te dedicas?
-Básicamente a respirar. No gano mucho, pero me alcanza para vivir.

Owls prefer to mate in the summer than in the winter when it rains. It’s too wet to woo.

A nose goes into a pub, the barman says,
“I’m not serving you, you’re off your face”.

I said to my girlfriend on Christmas morning.. Babe, I'd like to make you mine...
I'd love that she replied with tears in her eyes..
I said great, I've bought you a pick, now go and find me some gold.

I just tried calling the tinnitus helpline. No reply. It just kept ringing.

Someone needs to invent thought-controlled air freshener.
It makes scents if you think about it.

A young whale asked his father " dad where do i come from" the father whale says " from my sperm son" young whale says "thanks dad" father whale "your whale cum".

I have a friend who is allergic to eggs, cuz it scrambles her brain and makes her skin look poached. I think the condition. Is called eggczema.

Q: What are the primary elements of a sense of humor?

A: Sulfur, Argon, Calcium, and Samarium. Otherwise known as SArCaSm.

—Buenos días, somos los testigos de Jehová, ¿nos abres?

—Claro que sí, ¡ÁBRANSE A LA VERGA Y DÉJENME DORMIR!

- Бабушка, а правда, что кратчайший путь к сердцу мужчины лежит через желудок?
- Не стоит целиться так высоко, внучка...

What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he saw a thunderstorm?

Looks like reindeer.

"Es mejor ser rey de tu silencio que esclavo de tus palabras."

What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?

Short.

That's the last time I buy anything from eBay. I put in a bid for the worlds largest box...

It's just arrived now and I've been conned. The box it came in was bigger!

I've just put all my dogging equipment up for sale on eBay...

Haven't had any bids so far but there are 12 people watching!

I've been seeing a really hot guy for a while now. As soon as he figures it out, he's gonna shut his curtains.

- Согласны ли вы, Сара, быть с Зямой в богатстве и в бедности, в здравии и в болезни пока смерть не разлучит вас?
- Да, нет, да, нет, нет.

My daughter was telling me she talks to tomatoes and asked if I do too? I told her its been awhile and we'd have alot to ketchup on!

I was driving through this Village today and passed a sign that read.
Max Speed 20.
I thought to myself Happy Birthday Max..

A person born in '33 was 45 in '78. Is that a record?

Policeman.. What's your name?

Me.. Wizard of Oz

Policeman.. What's your full name?

Me... Wizard of Ounces.

I got a DVD today on How to Handle Disappointment..
When I opened the case it was Empty..

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's mind. She changes it more often.

I thought I found a mass snowman grave the other day. Turned out it was just a field of carrots 🎄☃️

Мужчина должен быть с деньгами. Поэтому, девчонки, хотите уверенного в себе мужчину - дайте ему денег.

If a gingerbread man sprains his ankle, does he walk with a candy cane?

Short Christmas Jokes

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It's Christmas, Eve !

How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve !

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ?
The letter "D" !

What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?
Santa Claustrophobia !

What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ?
Black mail !

Who delievers cat's Christmas presents ?
Santa Paws !

Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ?
Because it soots him !

Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents?
Elephanta Claus !

How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ?
Stacks !

Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve ?
Because he's Sooty !

Painter: How is my new painting of Jesus, bro...?
.
.
Friend: You nailed it, mate...!

Three Unwritten Rules in Life:
1.
2.
3.

What did the convict get for Christmas?

A cell phone.

I got a reversible jacket for Christmas.

I can't wait to see how it turns out.

What did Mariah Carey say when her boyfriend bought her an undeveloped property so they could build their dream house?

“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”

My room mate says I'm schizophrenic, huh, the joke's on him, I don't even have a room mate.

Change is inevitable.

Except from a vending machine.

How many letters are in the Christmas alphabet?

Just 25, cause there’s Noel.

Just been talking to my neighbour who does sewing for a living..

She seamstressed out.

Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? They always drop their needles...

My cat has started drinking the local church wine... I thinks he's become a Cataholic...

I'm thinking of going to Romania for a holiday..
I need to Bucharest.

WalMart is closed today so that both cashiers can be with their families.

I went for a drink with the Beach Boys last night. It was alright until I asked whose round it was.

What's got 12 legs and sounds like a pig?
My wife at KFC.

What do call an animal that knows if you're lying?
Sealion.

I was fired from my job selling amplifiers because I didn’t achieve the sufficient volume of sales.

My wife has always been useless at diy , but the other day she managed to change a bulb ,
I now see her in a different Light.

Buying a wig to cover a bald spot is a small price ....toupee!

What is red and juicy and round? - A lemon disguised as a strawberry.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea. . Does that mean that one enjoys it?

I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall. When people come over, I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."

The ant man and the wasp is literally a pretty fly for a white guy.

I got an Egyptian mummy for Xmas. Took bloody ages to unwrap it!

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

I think that men who shorten their name to Pat are missing a trick.

I wanted a puppy for Christmas.

The kids insist we have a turkey as usual.

Spielberg: "I'm doing an action movie with famous composers".
Stallone: "I'll play Mozart".
Van Damme: "I'll do Beethoven"
Schwarzenegger: ""I'll be Bach"

I used to go out with a radiographer...

It didn’t last long, she saw right through me.

—Señor, es la 7ª vez que compra su boleto.

—Así es, es que el hijo de perra de la entrada me lo rompe.