Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My wife has a problem, she talks during sex.
Last week at midnight she called me from the hotel.

A man shuffles onto a crowded hotel elevator.
Since he couldn't press the floor button, he stated, "Ballroom please".

The lady next to him shuffles a little bit and replies "Sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."

I tried to call the front desk of my hotel.
Needless to say, I couldn't get reception.

I went to a hotel to ask for a room and the lady at the counter told me that all the rooms were full. I told her my name was "Improvement".
And there's always a room for improvement.

A tipsy man staggered out of Melbourne Hotel and entered a taxi. "Take me to Melbourne Hotel," he told the cabbie. The cabbie was momentarily confused. They sat in silence for minutes. The cab never moved. Then the cabbie got out, opened the back door and told the guy: "Look. (Pointing)"
"The Melbourne Hotel." "How much for the fare?" "No charge," replied the cabbie. "Thanks. Next time, don't drive so fast!"

A man gets in the hotel elevator
He hears a voice say "going up" and looks around, weirded out that he can't see anyone nearby who would have said that. But when he chooses his floor, the voice says "door closing" and he realizes it was the elevator talking.

So, after his vacation has ended, he gets into the elevator with his suitcase. When he pressed the ground floor button, the elevator says "goodbye son". The man says "how can I be your son? You're just a machine." And the elevator says "I brought you up, didn't I?"

Every girl I’ve ever liked is just like a hotel....
They all came with a free turndown service.

An Irish couple, an English couple and a Scottish couple are having breakfast together in a hotel..
The English husband says "could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" to his wife.

The Scot follows suit, says to his wife "could you pass me the honey, honey?"

The Irishman then turns to his wife and says "could you pass me the milk you fucking cow?"

What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.

Two ducks check into a hotel for their honeymoon. The we’re making out and the male duck said “I forgot to bring any condoms!” So he phones reception to see if they can help out. “Condoms? Of course sir. Should I put them on your bill?”...
“No way! If you did that I’d suffocate!”

What’s the difference between a motel and a hotel?
One got mo ho’s.

My phone was not working in the hotel room.
I had to go downstairs . They had reception there.

My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning.
That wasn't cool.

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess
So I took her to Paris.

We went to wonderful restaurants and stayed in an expensive hotel.

Then I crashed our car in a tunnel and she died.

I was staying in a hotel last night. Before I went to bed, I phoned down to reception.
“Hi, this is room 317. Can I have a wake-up call, please?”

The receptionist replied, “Yes. You’re fat, in your 40′s and given you’re staying in such a cheap hotel probably haven’t achieved much in your life.”

A hotel business owner tried to buy a building from another company.
But they wouldn't give inn.

A Chinese couple has finally made it to their hotel on their wedding night. She says, my love we are finally married. Anything you want tonight, just ask.

He says, how about a 69?

She says, you want beef with broccoli?!?!?!?!

There were two odd conferences at the same hotel at the same time. One was for camping, the other was for aquatic mammals. They were essentially, more or less, basically, virtually...
...for all in tents and porpoises.

We were at a hotel.
There was a knock on the door. When I answered it, the guy asked me "are you the guys who sing Kryptonite? " I said " no, they are 3 Doors Down."

A photon checks into a hotel...
The receptionist asks him if he needs help with any baggage.

"No thanks, I'm traveling light."

I spotted my ex in a hotel I was staying in. We ended up fucking in the elevator.
It was wrong on so many levels.

A Man in a Hotel has trouble finding his room. He goes down to the front desk and asks ' Sorry, can you tell me what room I'm in please? '
Certainly Sir, said the Receptionist...this is the Lobby.

A blonde was in a hotel
The waiter knocked on the door and asked if she wanted coffee in bed?
The blonde answered "Well, I would rather have it in a cup"

I like working in hotels that label the ground floor L for lobby.
If a guest has a complaint, I can tell them to go to L.

My cousin decided to try parkour, so he jumped off a single floor hotel. Anyway, to make a long story short
would've helped. Funeral's Thursday.

I called up a hotel and the receptionist answered 'Hello, Best Western'...
I replied 'True Grit, starring John Wayne.'

What did the two knights say when they got to the hotel?
We’d like a room for two nights please.

Jesus Christ walks into a hotel...
He goes up to the receptionist, hands her three nails and a hammer and asks “Can you put me up for the night?”

Four strangers have to share a room. But they get acquainted with each other, one of them cracks open a bottle of vodka and they start drinking and telling stories. One of them wants to sleep, but the others don't care about him and keep telling more and more raunchy stories and political jokes. So he gets an idea.

He goes down to the receptionist and asks the concierge to bring up tea for the four people in 15 minutes. He returns to his room, goes over to the lamp in the corner and says quite loudly "Comrade Major, could we please have some tea?" A few minutes later a knock on the door, the concierge comes with the tea and very rapidly the room goes quiet, and the man can finally get some sleep.

The next day, as he wakes up, nobody is in the room anymore. He goes down, asks where they went and gets the all-telling answer "You don't want to know"

"But ... but what about me?"

"Oh", the concierge says, "Comrade Major liked your tea prank a lot!"

Two blonde robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!" The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!" The first one screamed back,
"This is no time to be superstitious."

Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a room on the 75th floor of a hotel.
When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but the elevator is broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sad stories. The three of them agreed that, to make it less boring, Al would tell the other two his funniest stories while they climbed from floors 1 to 25, Ben would tell his scariest stories from floors 26 to 50, and Carl would tell his saddest stories from floors 51 to 75.

They started to climb the stairs, and Al started to tell funny stories. By the time they reached the 25th floor, Ben and Carl were laughing hysterically.

Then Ben started to tell scary stories. By the time they reached the 50th floor, Al and Carl were hugging each other in fear.

Then Carl started to tell sad stories. "I'll tell my saddest story of all first," he said. "There once was a man named Carl who left his hotel room key in the car..."

A man was standing in a hotel elevator when his elbow brushed over a woman's breast. Apologetically, he said "If your heart is as soft as your breasts you'll forgive me".
The lady said, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room number 304".

Santa is almost here ... I’m sensing his presents.

What do you call a cat in the desert? Sandy Claws...

I’m almost done making jokes about unemployed salespeople but they still need some work.

The only thing flat earthers fear, is sphere itself.

Isn’t it ironic that the word NOEL can’t be spelled without an “L”?

Currently enrolled in an "Erectile Dysfunction" drug trial.

No firm results as yet 🤷

I love valves.

They'll always have a special place in my heart.

Happy Christmas Adam Everyone!

You know the day that came before
Christmas Eve!

"I don't nderstand..."
That is when I need "U"

If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?

Well thanks for the answers last round, here's more questions for y'all mind readers out there.

I just opened a Christmas card filled with rice...it was from uncle Ben!

My best friend bought me a lovely watch for Christmas last year.
...It's never worked though .. I should have told her..
.... it's just never been the right time..

What do young reindeer want for Christmas? A pony sleigh station.

Why do bears have fur coats? Because they'd look silly in fluffy jumpers.

What do you get if you cross a Christmas tree with an ipad? A Pineapple.

Breaking: due to panic buying, police were called to Tesco's this morning as a fight broke out in the toilet roll aisle.

A spokesperson said that they managed to calm the situation

Although one shopper has been left with soft tissue damage.

In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.

Kangaroo 911: “What’s your emergency?”
Worried Kangaroo: “I can’t find my children”
Kangaroo 911: “Did you check your pockets?”
Worried Kangaroo: “Oh nevermind.”

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get
through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

I love my customer service job, it's the work I hate.

Salesperson: “This computer will cut your workload by 50%.”
Office manager: “That’s great! I’ll take two of them.”

The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Ma'am", said the employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered 'til Sunday."
There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition. "So that's why no one was in church today."

As I shopped, the following announcement came over the department store's PA system:
"If someone here has a convertible with the top down, it just started raining. Towels are located in aisle five."

A lady walks into a fancy jewellery store.
She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little "accident!" she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price."

My friend works at a call center and he says that everyone’s always trying to outdo each other in how many calls they can make in a given time.

It’s got to the point where small teams have formed in different sections of the office.

It sounds weird, but who am I to judge him and his call leagues?

I got a new job with the local suicide hotline.

I tried to phone in sick but they talked me out of it.

James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant.

“Huh,” said Bond, “You expect me to talk?”

“No Mr Bond,” replied the interviewer, “I expect you to dye.”

Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

I rang up a call center today and the automated message said, “All our advisors are engaged.”

Congratulations to them all. Now answer the damn phone will you.

If you're not serving the customer, your job is to be serving someone who is.

I work in customer service. It means I’ll have a smile on my face when I ruin your life.

My wife and I were shopping at a department store.
I was complaining to customer service because their bathrooms were out of service. Finally she looked at me and said "I'm sorry, sir, but we're just not going to take any of your shit!"

Prostitution:
Taking "customer service" to a whole new level.

A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash.
As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, but he notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again.

Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash.

Shocked, the manager runs over and says "Mister is there a problem - is there anything I can help you with?"
The blind man calmly replies "No thanks - I'm just looking around."

A southern baptist and her two daughters are shopping at the mall, when suddenly, the three are separated
In hopes of finding her children, she talked to the employee at the Customer Service kiosk
Southern Baptist Woman: I'm looking for my daughters, have you seen them?
Kiosk Worker: I can't say I have. May I have their names, please?
Southern Baptist Woman: My eldest daughter's name is Faith. I asked her to take her little sister shopping, but she just ran off with my credit card.
Kiosk Worker: I understand. We'll try to find them over the intercom. In the mean-time, please don't worry okay?
Southern Baptist Woman: It's too late for that! I already lost Hope!

Why didn't Adam buy Eve the new iPhone?
Because Apple have terrible customer service and their products are really expensive.

Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.

A man phones the customer service of a beer company.
Customer service: "Hello, what can I help you with today?"
Man: "There is something wrong with your beer, it made me blow chunks!"
Customer service: "Well ya, it'll do that."
Man: "No I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog!"

Why is the customer service at the Reddit Restaurant so terrible?
Because all of the servers are busy.

What’s customer service’s favorite word?
Unfortunately...

How many Comcast customer service agents does it take to change a lightbulb?
Is the lightbulb plugged in sir?

Did you hear about the time a sex worker denied a customer service?
She obviously didn't give a fuck.

Blonde approaches the customer service counter at a grocery store...
“How can I help you miss?” Says the man behind the counter. “I need to get 80 gallons of milk please”, she replies. “Excuse me?” Says the man “why would you need all that milk for?” . “Well you see, its a beauty tip. You bathe in milk for an hour and your skin appears 10 years younger”, she says.

“Whatever works!” Says the man, “let me check our inventory... Does it need to be pasteurized?”. “Come again?” She replies. “The milk, do you need it pasteurized?” He repeats.

“Oh no silly, that’s ok. Only up to my tits! I can splash it on my face”

A Latino gang member has received poor customer service at the railway station, so he vandalised one of the train engines in revenge.
It was a loco motive.

Interviewer: Why you want to work on Customer Service?
Me: Well, I am very good at apologising for things that are not my fault.

Interviewer: Did you acquire that experience on your previous job?
Me: No, my relationship.

A man returns to his home town in Russia after 30 years. He sees a shoe shop that he remembers from his time living there and goes in. He tells the owner "I remember this shop. I left a pair of shoes here for repair 30 years ago before escaping to the West." The owner says "Yes, I remember you. Wait just a moment", and disappears to a back room. After a minute or so he reappears and tells the man "They'll be ready next Thursday. "

I bought a dozen bees for a beehive, but when my order arrived, there was thirteen bees in the box. I called customer service and told them they gave me one bee too many.
The woman on the phone answered:

"Oh, that's just a freebie"