Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My kid ran over my foot with his bicycle.
I had to lay down, I was just "two tired".

Mary Rose sat on a thorn.

Mary Rose.

Opened a facility where you can see cars being assembled. Its called eye kia.

Stop shrinking yourself to fit in places you’ve outgrown!!!!

Quit the job at the wheel factory. Kept going around and around.

As I get older.
I can sense people dressing me with their eyes.

The whole salad dressing industry exists because people really just don’t like the taste of salad.

What is the favorite drink of drummers?

Beet Juice...

What do you call a woman who's a compulsive gambler?

Betty.

Eyelashes are suppose to prevent things from getting in your eyes but when I do have something in my eye, it’s always an eyelash.

Eyeronic.

Doctor said to me... You must learn deal with your weight problem, you can't just run away from it.

What to do with a sick chemist?
If you can't helium, and you can't curium, you'll probably have to barium.

Hostess: Can I take your name please?

Me: Wow that's extremely forward! But sure, let's get married.

— Auxilio, me robaron la camioneta!!!
— ¿4x4?
— ¡Ay 16, pero ayúdame!

Случайно уронил на себя открытую банку Бондюэль. Был огорошен.

I like telling dad jokes. Sometimes he laugh.

Here's a piece of advice for you.
Adv.

A neighbour told me he spotted a lion recently. I told him that if it was spotted, it was more likely a leopard...

Q: What do protons and life coaches have in common?
A: They know how to stay positive.

I have managed to become a member of the National Secrecy Society.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.

Just been promoted at the fruit and veg company I work for. I’m now Head of Broccoli.

Циперович приходит в синагогу:

— Ребе, моя Софочка просит, чтобы я купил ей норковое манто, а у меня нет на это денег, что делать?

— Скажи ей, пусть она каждый день молит Бога.

— И у неё таки будет манто?

— Нет, но виноват будешь уже не ты.

My friend cancelled his appointment at the sperm bank. He called them and said he can't cum.

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

About halfway!

What do call a Bear without any ears?

B...

My mate phoned and told me he had changed his name to Spinal Column.

I said: "I'll call you back." 🤣

Last night, my wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl.
I said, “I didn't know he could.”

If you multiply a clock by another clock..
Do you get Times Square?

Why’d the warlocks handout nametags? So they could tell which witch was which.

The Titanic sunk over 107 years ago. Incredibly, the swimming pool is still filled with water.

Desperately need to buy a new bed, but not going to rush into it. I’ll sleep on it.

Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask.

An idiot was standing on the pavement watching a funeral procession when a passerby asked, “Do you know whose funeral it is?”

The idiot replied, “I can’t say for sure. But I think it’s that guy’s in the coffin.”

Had to quit my construction job today I had to admit that I'm not strong enough to do the work anymore.So I gave them my Too Weak Notice.

There are two secrets to success in life:

1. Don’t tell them everything you know.

Пьяные мужики делятся на две категории: тех, кто поёт под гитару и тех, кто дерётся. Потом они меняются.

I'm in the middle of writing a book about understanding women. So far it's 50 pages thick ..........................................................................................,...,.................
..all blank

If anyone asks what’s my favorite food my reply will be, carbon based. Anything else just doesn’t go down right.

Встречаются два друга, один недавно женился.
- Ну как?
- Ты не представляешь, у меня не тёща, а золото!
- И где же ты раскопал такое сокровище?
- Закопал, дружище, закопал.

I remember sitting in a cell, charged with battery when it wasn’t my volt.
“I’m positive,” I said. “Wire my here? I wanna go ohm.” I felt drained, powerless.
It still hertz like it was yesterday.
😊

Not to get technical...
But according to science, Alcohol is a solution.

Son: Dad someone said you sound like an Owl.
Dad: Who?

If a wife is laughing at her husband's jokes, it means they have guests.

How do you start a teddy bear race?
Ready teddy go.

My Wife is carrying our first Child

So I said to her “He is 16 years old, let him walk!”

Долго не понимал, что значит "мерчендайзер",
пока знакомый всё по полочкам не разложил.

My electrician friend asked his wife for a divorce. He feels they are poles apart.

My wife is going sky diving and I'm truly terrified because last time something that big hit the ground the dinosaurs died.

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels.

What the hell do women do with the flowers we give them!? And why flowers?? Why not vegetables?? Vegetables are far more useful.

Some wines get better with the years. 2020 was a year that got better with wine...

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."

What did the necklace say to the hat? You go on a head while I hang around.

I have excellent memory...

couldn't even tell ya the last thing I forgot.

I just read a book on ropemaking, there's a real twist at the end!..

What do you call a guy with an ant on his knee?

Anthony.

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully We'll wait."

A hairdresser in the basement
level of City Hall.
Barber of Civil.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Officer: Age?

Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don't do birthdays.

Officer: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

OFFICER : Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

OFFICER : Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think.

OFFICER : Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.

OFFICER : What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

OFFICER : What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

OFFICER : What kind of truck was it?

Husband : A 2017, manufactured September 16th, pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 .with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera,
Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch,
sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires.
It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up.

OFFICER : Take it easy sir, We'll find your truck.

My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn’t letter. They said only mails work here....😂

I gave my nephew 3 socks for Christmas. Her mom told me that he's grown another foot just this year.

Why did the dolphin join the Navy?

To feel a sense of porpoise

I love all my children equally. Except for the one that sleeps... I love that one more.

What do you call a small mother?

A minimum!

People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their keys.

You can't choose your family but you can choose a hitman.

Women are angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly... on a broomstick. We’re flexible that way.

When I say "The other day" I could be referring to anytime between yesterday and 15 years ago.

2 out of 3 isn't bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out of 3 kids.

If you’re telling me to relax, it’s probably your fault that I’m not.

I consider "On Time" to be when I get there.

Today I learned not all people are appreciative of ventriloquism.

Especially my gynecologist.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”

What do you call a penguin in the Sahara?

Lost.

I heard Placebo on the radio.

I actually thought it was The Cure.

I asked Santa for a new butt for Christmas because mine has a crack in it.

When your bored find a great parking spot at the mall and sit in the car with your reverse lights on!

I called a local pizza place the other night and said, “Do you do takeaways?” They said “Yes”, so I said “what’s 23452 minus 345?”

О водке или хорошо, или не пей.
🥃
Водка - удивительный напиток: вкус постоянно один, а приключения всегда разные!
🥃
- Интересно, а что будет, если выпить очень много водки?
- Будет послезавтра...
🥃
- А ты знаешь, кто самый лучший учитель пения???
- Литр водки!
🥃
Многие думают, что водка - это выход. Ребята, это вход.
🥃
- Девушка, а вы водку будете?
- Да вы что? Я вообще в рот не беру!
- Это конечно жаль, но про водку вы так и не ответили...
🥃
Водка - это психотерапевт, у которого часы приёма в удобное для вас время.
🥃
- С одной стороны водку пить хорошо, а с другой - неудобно.
- Почему?
- А с другой стороны горлышка нет.
🥃
Хороший собеседник - не только слушает, но и подливает…
🥃
По статистике 75% звонков в субботу осуществляется с целью уточнить место пьянки.
🥃
Когда Далю были нужны новые слова, он приезжал в деревню, разбивал на глазах мужиков 2-3 бутылки водки, а потом стоял и записывал.
🥃
-Ты бы хотел внезапно очнуться в будущем?
- Да.
- Тогда я вот тут три пол-литра принёс…
🥃
100 грамм русской водки заменяют час медитации, а после пол-литра открываются все чакры и третий глаз начинает видеть в каждой женщине красавицу.
🥃
- Опишите своё отношение к алкоголю одним словом.
- Буду.
🥃
- Здравствуйте, это служба поддержки?
- Да.
- Мне одиноко и очень тоскливо, всё надоело, хочу напиться!
- Поддерживаю.

🥃 Интеллигентный человек должен иногда напиваться, чтобы выдержать общение с дураками.
Э.Хэменгуэй

What picture does an ELF click?

sELFie