Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What’s the best part of Audi’s customer service ?
The answer within four rings.

- ¿Cuando sabes que has bebido demasiado?
- Cuando pronuncio "Carolina Herrera" como en el anuncio.

Did you hear the local concrete plant was flooded last week?
They're having a hard time moving inventory now.

I once entered the World Kleptomaniac Championships.

I took gold, silver and bronze.

I just found a whip, mask and some handcuffs in my sister’s room.

I just had no idea she was a superhero.

I've got great taste in women

Unfortunately they have better taste in men.

—¡A mí nadie me da órdenes!

— "1% de batería. Conecte el cargador".

— ¡Voy!

Saw the woman down our street talking to her cat the other day... daft bat ..I told my dog what I'd seen...ohh we did laugh..

The genie asked, "What’s your first wish?" Steve replied, "I wish I was rich!" The genie nodded and said, "What’s your second wish?"

Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"

I was waiting outside B&Q and my friend called and asked how big the queue was...

I said, "The same size as the B!"

I've just asked this guide at The Tower of London if he was a Beefeater..?
He said..
"No I'm a Vegetarian"..

Did you hear that Fed Ex and UPS are combining.
They'er going to be called, Fed-Up.

I deleted Great Britain in my powerpoint presentation about countries.

I freed 1GB.

“I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious.”

- Albert Einstein

Today I asked a hot girl at the gym what her new year's resolution was.

She replied “Screw you!”

So I'm pretty excited for the new year!

Schrodinger: *handing box to wife* I got you something

Wife: aw, you’re so good to me!

Schrodinger: maybe

What does a programmer and a bank robber have in common?

To fix the problem, sometimes you gotta flush the cache.

me: why do you assume I'll say something stupid?

her: you're awake

Why is Cinderella rubbish at football? Her coach was a pumpkin.

"Jamás permitas que tu orgullo acabe con tu felicidad."

What do reindeer have that no other animals have? Baby reindeer.

Accidentally locked myself in a glass cabinet in a museum.

I ended up making an exhibition of myself...

What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?

Don’t mind him. He is just a product of our times.

I was in the restaurant last night when a guy with a small pistol and a flag stood by our table. It was odd as neither of us remembered ordering a starter.

Why am I the only naked person at this gender reveal party?

I went on a dating website for footballers, but there were no matches.

- Here's a picture of the Antarctic.
- So I see.
- Yes, incredibly.

BREAKING :A thief has been stealing Christmas jumpers in order of size...
Police spokesperson said he’s still at large...

What is the difference between St George and Santa’s reindeer? One slays a dragon, the others are dragging a sleigh.

When I left home to go on a business trip, my wife said, "Don't forget to write."

I thought, "That's unlikely. It's a basic skill afterall!"

A police officer spotted a man driving along the motorway whilst knitting. He got his attention and shouted "pull over!". The man looked back and said "well, I think of it more as a jumper".

I met an Australian IT specialist this morning, she comes from the LAN downunder.

Im not saying my ex girlfriend was fat...
But all my thoughts revolve around her.

Your British momma is so fat...
people think she is an American.

Yo mama so fat...
...She been butt dialing people since the days of rotary phones!

Your momma's so fat...
... no one can socially distance her.

Years ago I used to work at the circus and we had some wonderful acts I remember the fat tattooed lady..
Now they're fucking everywhere...

In which city do fat people stay?
Obesity.

What did the infomercial actor say after realizing he was getting fat?
Butt weight, there's more!

I’ve got plenty of fat friends.
Well, only 2 but it seems like more.

The fat man tells the skinny man: "when people look at you, they think the world's starving to death"
And the skinny man responds: "when they look at you, they know why"

You shouldn't fat shame people.
But to be truthful, they won't come running after you.

I'm not fat!
I'm just height-challenged.

The fat acceptance movement is the only movement
Without movement.

Your mama's so fat...
...they call her missionary impossible.

What do you call a fat person in Europe?
An American tourist.

How do you get a fat person into bed?
Piece of cake.

How do you make a few lbs of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

People be like I am fat because my mother cooks good food...
...I am like I am single because I have strong hands.

How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?
She starts fitting into your wife’s clothes.

Not saying my Ex was fat.
But it took a year for my memory foam mattress to forget her.

I walked in a pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on the table
I said:nice legs
And she said:You really think so?
I said: Yes, other tables would have collapsed by now.

Fat shaming is wrong.
They have enough on their plate already.

I was watching a porno and it was just this fat dude crying and jerking off
then I realised I hadn't turned my computer on yet.

I’d make a joke about an obese person, but it won’t work out.

why do indian men prefer fat women?
Because they worship cows.

Hey fatboy, why are you so damn fat?
Because every time I fuck your mom she gives me a cookie.

What is a fat boy’s favorite karate move?
A pork chop.

What goes black, white, black, white, down a hill? A fat nun.

Yo mama so fat she got arrested for carrying 100 pound of crack.

Why did God create gay men? So fat girls could dance.

What do you call a fat chinese man?

A double chinkey.

Man: "Is your body from Mcdonalds?" Woman: "Why, because your loving it?" Man: “No, because its fat and greasy.”

Yo mama so fat she broke the stairway to heaven…

What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle?
Optimistic.

When Chuck Norris wants to burn calories, he throws fat children into the fire.

What do a fat chick and a moped have in common?
They’re both fun to ride until your friends find out.

One day a fatass came home and told his friend that he lost money. His friend, “Oh for once you lost some pounds!”

A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! Thats not going to help!” She said. “Sure it does.” he said. “Its the only way i can see the numbers.”

Yo mama so fat she sat on an iPhone and turned it into an iPad.

Losing weight is a piece of cake. Just don’t pick it up.

Yo mama is so fat when she got on the scale it said one at a time please.

Fatty and skinny were in a bed. Fatty rolled over and skinny was dead.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last as long for fat people.

Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you. Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

Why don't penguins fly? They are not tall enough to be pilots.

First attempt smoking a fish tonight.
Still prefer cigars.

I've made a website for depressed tennis players...
Servers are currently down!

Why did the birthday boy wrap himself in paper?
He wanted to live in the present.

What do you get if you cross a philosopher with a godfather? An offer you can't understand.