Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?

Well thanks for the answers last round, here's more questions for y'all mind readers out there.

I just opened a Christmas card filled with rice...it was from uncle Ben!

My best friend bought me a lovely watch for Christmas last year.
...It's never worked though .. I should have told her..
.... it's just never been the right time..

What do young reindeer want for Christmas? A pony sleigh station.

Why do bears have fur coats? Because they'd look silly in fluffy jumpers.

What do you get if you cross a Christmas tree with an ipad? A Pineapple.

Breaking: due to panic buying, police were called to Tesco's this morning as a fight broke out in the toilet roll aisle.

A spokesperson said that they managed to calm the situation

Although one shopper has been left with soft tissue damage.

In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.

Kangaroo 911: “What’s your emergency?”
Worried Kangaroo: “I can’t find my children”
Kangaroo 911: “Did you check your pockets?”
Worried Kangaroo: “Oh nevermind.”

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get
through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

I love my customer service job, it's the work I hate.

Salesperson: “This computer will cut your workload by 50%.”
Office manager: “That’s great! I’ll take two of them.”

The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Ma'am", said the employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered 'til Sunday."
There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition. "So that's why no one was in church today."

As I shopped, the following announcement came over the department store's PA system:
"If someone here has a convertible with the top down, it just started raining. Towels are located in aisle five."

A lady walks into a fancy jewellery store.
She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little "accident!" she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price."

My friend works at a call center and he says that everyone’s always trying to outdo each other in how many calls they can make in a given time.

It’s got to the point where small teams have formed in different sections of the office.

It sounds weird, but who am I to judge him and his call leagues?

I got a new job with the local suicide hotline.

I tried to phone in sick but they talked me out of it.

James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant.

“Huh,” said Bond, “You expect me to talk?”

“No Mr Bond,” replied the interviewer, “I expect you to dye.”

Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

I rang up a call center today and the automated message said, “All our advisors are engaged.”

Congratulations to them all. Now answer the damn phone will you.

If you're not serving the customer, your job is to be serving someone who is.

I work in customer service. It means I’ll have a smile on my face when I ruin your life.

My wife and I were shopping at a department store.
I was complaining to customer service because their bathrooms were out of service. Finally she looked at me and said "I'm sorry, sir, but we're just not going to take any of your shit!"

Prostitution:
Taking "customer service" to a whole new level.

A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash.
As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, but he notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again.

Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash.

Shocked, the manager runs over and says "Mister is there a problem - is there anything I can help you with?"
The blind man calmly replies "No thanks - I'm just looking around."

A southern baptist and her two daughters are shopping at the mall, when suddenly, the three are separated
In hopes of finding her children, she talked to the employee at the Customer Service kiosk
Southern Baptist Woman: I'm looking for my daughters, have you seen them?
Kiosk Worker: I can't say I have. May I have their names, please?
Southern Baptist Woman: My eldest daughter's name is Faith. I asked her to take her little sister shopping, but she just ran off with my credit card.
Kiosk Worker: I understand. We'll try to find them over the intercom. In the mean-time, please don't worry okay?
Southern Baptist Woman: It's too late for that! I already lost Hope!

Why didn't Adam buy Eve the new iPhone?
Because Apple have terrible customer service and their products are really expensive.

Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.

A man phones the customer service of a beer company.
Customer service: "Hello, what can I help you with today?"
Man: "There is something wrong with your beer, it made me blow chunks!"
Customer service: "Well ya, it'll do that."
Man: "No I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog!"

Why is the customer service at the Reddit Restaurant so terrible?
Because all of the servers are busy.

What’s customer service’s favorite word?
Unfortunately...

How many Comcast customer service agents does it take to change a lightbulb?
Is the lightbulb plugged in sir?

Did you hear about the time a sex worker denied a customer service?
She obviously didn't give a fuck.

Blonde approaches the customer service counter at a grocery store...
“How can I help you miss?” Says the man behind the counter. “I need to get 80 gallons of milk please”, she replies. “Excuse me?” Says the man “why would you need all that milk for?” . “Well you see, its a beauty tip. You bathe in milk for an hour and your skin appears 10 years younger”, she says.

“Whatever works!” Says the man, “let me check our inventory... Does it need to be pasteurized?”. “Come again?” She replies. “The milk, do you need it pasteurized?” He repeats.

“Oh no silly, that’s ok. Only up to my tits! I can splash it on my face”

A Latino gang member has received poor customer service at the railway station, so he vandalised one of the train engines in revenge.
It was a loco motive.

Interviewer: Why you want to work on Customer Service?
Me: Well, I am very good at apologising for things that are not my fault.

Interviewer: Did you acquire that experience on your previous job?
Me: No, my relationship.

A man returns to his home town in Russia after 30 years. He sees a shoe shop that he remembers from his time living there and goes in. He tells the owner "I remember this shop. I left a pair of shoes here for repair 30 years ago before escaping to the West." The owner says "Yes, I remember you. Wait just a moment", and disappears to a back room. After a minute or so he reappears and tells the man "They'll be ready next Thursday. "

I bought a dozen bees for a beehive, but when my order arrived, there was thirteen bees in the box. I called customer service and told them they gave me one bee too many.
The woman on the phone answered:

"Oh, that's just a freebie"

What’s the best part of Audi’s customer service ?
The answer within four rings.

- ¿Cuando sabes que has bebido demasiado?
- Cuando pronuncio "Carolina Herrera" como en el anuncio.

Did you hear the local concrete plant was flooded last week?
They're having a hard time moving inventory now.

I once entered the World Kleptomaniac Championships.

I took gold, silver and bronze.

I just found a whip, mask and some handcuffs in my sister’s room.

I just had no idea she was a superhero.

I've got great taste in women

Unfortunately they have better taste in men.

—¡A mí nadie me da órdenes!

— "1% de batería. Conecte el cargador".

— ¡Voy!

Saw the woman down our street talking to her cat the other day... daft bat ..I told my dog what I'd seen...ohh we did laugh..

The genie asked, "What’s your first wish?" Steve replied, "I wish I was rich!" The genie nodded and said, "What’s your second wish?"

Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"

I was waiting outside B&Q and my friend called and asked how big the queue was...

I said, "The same size as the B!"

I've just asked this guide at The Tower of London if he was a Beefeater..?
He said..
"No I'm a Vegetarian"..

Did you hear that Fed Ex and UPS are combining.
They'er going to be called, Fed-Up.

I deleted Great Britain in my powerpoint presentation about countries.

I freed 1GB.

“I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious.”

- Albert Einstein

Today I asked a hot girl at the gym what her new year's resolution was.

She replied “Screw you!”

So I'm pretty excited for the new year!

Schrodinger: *handing box to wife* I got you something

Wife: aw, you’re so good to me!

Schrodinger: maybe

What does a programmer and a bank robber have in common?

To fix the problem, sometimes you gotta flush the cache.

me: why do you assume I'll say something stupid?

her: you're awake

Why is Cinderella rubbish at football? Her coach was a pumpkin.

"Jamás permitas que tu orgullo acabe con tu felicidad."

What do reindeer have that no other animals have? Baby reindeer.

Accidentally locked myself in a glass cabinet in a museum.

I ended up making an exhibition of myself...

What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?

Don’t mind him. He is just a product of our times.

I was in the restaurant last night when a guy with a small pistol and a flag stood by our table. It was odd as neither of us remembered ordering a starter.

Why am I the only naked person at this gender reveal party?

I went on a dating website for footballers, but there were no matches.

- Here's a picture of the Antarctic.
- So I see.
- Yes, incredibly.

BREAKING :A thief has been stealing Christmas jumpers in order of size...
Police spokesperson said he’s still at large...

What is the difference between St George and Santa’s reindeer? One slays a dragon, the others are dragging a sleigh.

When I left home to go on a business trip, my wife said, "Don't forget to write."

I thought, "That's unlikely. It's a basic skill afterall!"

A police officer spotted a man driving along the motorway whilst knitting. He got his attention and shouted "pull over!". The man looked back and said "well, I think of it more as a jumper".

I met an Australian IT specialist this morning, she comes from the LAN downunder.

Im not saying my ex girlfriend was fat...
But all my thoughts revolve around her.

Your British momma is so fat...
people think she is an American.

Yo mama so fat...
...She been butt dialing people since the days of rotary phones!

Your momma's so fat...
... no one can socially distance her.

Years ago I used to work at the circus and we had some wonderful acts I remember the fat tattooed lady..
Now they're fucking everywhere...

In which city do fat people stay?
Obesity.

What did the infomercial actor say after realizing he was getting fat?
Butt weight, there's more!

I’ve got plenty of fat friends.
Well, only 2 but it seems like more.

The fat man tells the skinny man: "when people look at you, they think the world's starving to death"
And the skinny man responds: "when they look at you, they know why"