Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Therapist: "I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are?"

Me: "Can't say I do."

Therapist: "That's one of them!"

Son: Have you ever been wrong dad?
Dad: Yes, when I thought I was wrong.

I've launched a new yoghurt range specifically aimed at people who are lazy..

It's called Inactivia.

If anyone is alone this Christmas and has no one to spend the Holiday with,
let me know.
I need to borrow some Chairs

The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”
I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

I found a used car I wanted to buy in Prague, but the Czech engine light was on.

I've just quit my job extracting water from subterranean lakes and springs.
It was well boring.

A friend is an award winning dermatologist who started from scratch.

David Letterman – Nerd amid late TV
Sherlock Holmes – he’ll mesh crooks
Actor Sylvester Stallone – very cool talentless star
Clint Eastwood – old west action
Sheryl Crow – her slow cry

David Letterman – Nerd amid late TV
Sherlock Holmes – he’ll mesh crooks
Actor Sylvester Stallone – very cool talentless star
Clint Eastwood – old west action
Sheryl Crow – her slow cry

Barbie doll – liberal bod
George Bush – he bugs Gore
Bruce Springsteen – creep bringes tunes
Jennifer Aniston – fine in torn jeans
Spice Girls – pig slices

Bob Marley – marble boy
John Mayer – enjoy harm
William Shakespeare – I am a weakish speller
Gene Simmons – immense song

Dick Cheney – needy chick
Margaret Thatcher – that great charmer
Ronald Wilson Reagan – insane anglo warlord
Saddam Hussain – humans sad side
Angela Merkel – Eek! All German!

I hate school – oh so ethical
No admittance – contaminated
Austin Powers – power us satin
George Bush – he grew bogus
Grand Old Party – Portly Grandad

Narcissim – man’s crisis
Comfort is – microsoft
Hot water – worth tea
Darling, I love you – avoiding our yell
The country side – no city dust here

Baseball – babes all
Christmas – trims cash
year two thousand – a year to shut down
Santa Monica – satanic moan
ipod lover – poor devil

Astronomer – moon starer
Apple Inc – epic plan
Stupid girl – drips guilt
Frito lay – oily fart

Waitress = A stew, Sir?
Western Union = No Wire Unsent
Waitress – a stew, Sir?
Breasts – bra sets
Graduation – out in a drag

The United States Bureau of Fisheries = I Raise the Bass to Feed Us in the Future
The United States of America = Attaineth its cause, freedom
Tom Cruise = So I'm Cuter
Vacation time = I am not active
Vacation Times = I'm Not as Active

The Hilton = Hint: Hotel
The Hospital Ambulance = A Cab, I Hustle to Help Man
The Meaning of Life = The fine game of nil
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet

The country side = No City Dust Here
The Detectives = Detect Thieves
The ears = Hear set
The eyes = They see
The Great New York Rapid Transit Tunnel = Giant work in street, partly underneath

Sycophant = Acts phony
Television programming = Permeating living rooms
The centenarians = I can hear ten "tens"
The Check is in the Mail = Claim Heck, I sent it heh
The cockroach = Cook, catch her

Schoolmaster = The classroom
Slot Machines = Cash Lost in'em
Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's
Software = Swear Oft
Sunshine and Shadow = Show in Sun and Shade

Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
Naturalist = A trails nut
Postmaster = Stamp Store
Presbyterians = Best In Prayers = Britney Spears
Protectionism = Cite no imports = Nice to imports

I run to escape = A persecution
Indomitableness = Endless ambition
Listen = Silent
Madam Curie = Radium came
Mel Gibson = Bong Smile

Father-in-law = Near halfwit
Funeral = Real Fun
Garbage Man = Bag Manager
Graduation = Out in a drag!
Heavy Rain? = Hire a Navy!

Dictionary = Indicatory
Dormitory = Dirty Room
Election Results = Lies, Let's Recount!
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
Evangelist = Evil's Agent

Contradiction = Accord not in it
Conversation = Voices Rant On
Darling I love you = leaving your idol / Avoiding our yell
David Letterman = Nerd amid late TV
Desperation = A rope ends it

Barbie doll = I'll bare bod
Butterfly = Flutter-by
Christmas tree = Search, Set, Trim
Clint Eastwood = Old West Action
Clothespins = So let's pinch

A telescope = To see place
Admirer = Married
Alec Guinness = Genuine Class
Animosity = Is No Amity
Astronomers = Moon starers / No more stars

A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place
A domesticated animal = Docile, as a man tamed it
A Gentleman = Elegant Man
A Rolling Stone Gathers No Moss = Stroller on Go, Amasses Nothing
A telephone girl = Repeating "Hello"

Denver = Nerved
Las Vegas = Salvages
Statue of Liberty = Built to stay free
Violet Cat = Attic Love
Santa = satan

Elvis = Lives
Madonna Louise Ciccone = One cool dance musician
Bart (as in Bart Simpson) = Brat
Paris = Pairs
San Diego = Diagnose

Jim Morrison = Mr. Mojo Risin'
Damon Albarn = Dan Abnormal
George Bush = He bugs Gore
Clint Eastwood = Old West action
Ronald Reagan = A darn long era

Slot machines = Cash lost in me
Fourth of July = Joyful Fourth
O, Draconian devil = Leonardo da Vinci
Oh, lame saint = The Mona Lisa
So dark the con of man = Madonna of the Rocks

The eyes = They see
A gentleman = Elegant man
Funeral = Real fun
The Morse Code = Here come dots
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one

Dormitory = Dirty room
School master = The classroom
Conversation = Voices rant on
Listen = Silent
Astronomer = Moon starer

Bored = Robed
Save = Vase
Angel = Glean
Stressed = Desserts
debit card = bad credit

Dusty = Study
Night = Thing
Inch = Chin
Brag = Grab
Cat = Act

Tar = Rat
Arc = Car
Elbow = Below
State = Taste
Cider = Cried

Are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era?

Doc, note I dissent: a fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod.

Did Hannah see bees? Hannah did.

Anne, I vote more cars race Rome to Vienna.

Pull up, Eva! we’re here! Wave! Pull up!

Cigar? Toss it in a can. It is so tragic.

Amy? Must I jujitsu my ma?

A man, a plan, a canal: Panama.

Sit on a potato pan, Otis.

As I pee, sir, I see Pisa!

When is a palindrome not a palindrome?
All the time.

My bank account balance is a palindrome.
$00.00

Our clumsy mate has just got a PhD in palindromes.

We call him
Dr Awkward.

What do you call a funny palindrome?
lol.

What kind of car does the president of the palindrome society own?
A Toyota.

How many palindromes do I know of?
Not a ton.

UFO tofu?

Yo, banana boy!

Oozy rat in a sanitary zoo.

Murder for a jar of red rum.

Madam, in Eden, I’m Adam.

Ed, I saw Harpo Marx ram Oprah W. aside.

Dennis, Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, Dee, Rena, Joel, Lora, Cecil, Aaron, Flora, Tina, Arden, Noel, and Ellen sinned.

Was it a car or a cat I saw?

Taco cat.

Borrow or rob?

Are we not pure? “No, sir!” Panama’s moody Noriega brags. “It is garbage!” Irony dooms a man—a prisoner up to new era.

Amore, Roma.

Al lets Della call Ed “Stella.”

A nut for a jar of tuna.

I found a hat with £17.50 in it.
I thought this other guy was going to pick it up but he was too busy juggling.

If you beat your own record, you’re both a winner and a loser.

Lazy rule: Can't reach it? Don't need it.

- У вас есть хобби?
- Да, но жена просит, чтобы я закодировался...

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

Do they have a troubleshooting section in gun magazines?

Her: ‘Dinner is in the crock pot.’
Me: ‘Nice – what is it?’
Her: ‘It’s like this ceramic slow cooker thingy.’

The blind carpenter picked up his hammer and saw...

There seems to be no end, I've lost control and I can't see no escape.
I think I need a new keyboard.

There was a rollover of a truck loaded with wigs and hairpieces.
The police are now combing the area.