Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

You shouldn't fat shame people.
But to be truthful, they won't come running after you.

I'm not fat!
I'm just height-challenged.

The fat acceptance movement is the only movement
Without movement.

Your mama's so fat...
...they call her missionary impossible.

What do you call a fat person in Europe?
An American tourist.

How do you get a fat person into bed?
Piece of cake.

How do you make a few lbs of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

People be like I am fat because my mother cooks good food...
...I am like I am single because I have strong hands.

How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?
She starts fitting into your wife’s clothes.

Not saying my Ex was fat.
But it took a year for my memory foam mattress to forget her.

I walked in a pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on the table
I said:nice legs
And she said:You really think so?
I said: Yes, other tables would have collapsed by now.

Fat shaming is wrong.
They have enough on their plate already.

I was watching a porno and it was just this fat dude crying and jerking off
then I realised I hadn't turned my computer on yet.

I’d make a joke about an obese person, but it won’t work out.

why do indian men prefer fat women?
Because they worship cows.

Hey fatboy, why are you so damn fat?
Because every time I fuck your mom she gives me a cookie.

What is a fat boy’s favorite karate move?
A pork chop.

What goes black, white, black, white, down a hill? A fat nun.

Yo mama so fat she got arrested for carrying 100 pound of crack.

Why did God create gay men? So fat girls could dance.

What do you call a fat chinese man?

A double chinkey.

Man: "Is your body from Mcdonalds?" Woman: "Why, because your loving it?" Man: “No, because its fat and greasy.”

Yo mama so fat she broke the stairway to heaven…

What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle?
Optimistic.

When Chuck Norris wants to burn calories, he throws fat children into the fire.

What do a fat chick and a moped have in common?
They’re both fun to ride until your friends find out.

One day a fatass came home and told his friend that he lost money. His friend, “Oh for once you lost some pounds!”

A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! Thats not going to help!” She said. “Sure it does.” he said. “Its the only way i can see the numbers.”

Yo mama so fat she sat on an iPhone and turned it into an iPad.

Losing weight is a piece of cake. Just don’t pick it up.

Yo mama is so fat when she got on the scale it said one at a time please.

Fatty and skinny were in a bed. Fatty rolled over and skinny was dead.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last as long for fat people.

Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you. Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

Why don't penguins fly? They are not tall enough to be pilots.

First attempt smoking a fish tonight.
Still prefer cigars.

I've made a website for depressed tennis players...
Servers are currently down!

Why did the birthday boy wrap himself in paper?
He wanted to live in the present.

What do you get if you cross a philosopher with a godfather? An offer you can't understand.

Therapist: "I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are?"

Me: "Can't say I do."

Therapist: "That's one of them!"

Son: Have you ever been wrong dad?
Dad: Yes, when I thought I was wrong.

I've launched a new yoghurt range specifically aimed at people who are lazy..

It's called Inactivia.

If anyone is alone this Christmas and has no one to spend the Holiday with,
let me know.
I need to borrow some Chairs

The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”
I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

I found a used car I wanted to buy in Prague, but the Czech engine light was on.

I've just quit my job extracting water from subterranean lakes and springs.
It was well boring.

A friend is an award winning dermatologist who started from scratch.

David Letterman – Nerd amid late TV
Sherlock Holmes – he’ll mesh crooks
Actor Sylvester Stallone – very cool talentless star
Clint Eastwood – old west action
Sheryl Crow – her slow cry

David Letterman – Nerd amid late TV
Sherlock Holmes – he’ll mesh crooks
Actor Sylvester Stallone – very cool talentless star
Clint Eastwood – old west action
Sheryl Crow – her slow cry

Barbie doll – liberal bod
George Bush – he bugs Gore
Bruce Springsteen – creep bringes tunes
Jennifer Aniston – fine in torn jeans
Spice Girls – pig slices

Bob Marley – marble boy
John Mayer – enjoy harm
William Shakespeare – I am a weakish speller
Gene Simmons – immense song

Dick Cheney – needy chick
Margaret Thatcher – that great charmer
Ronald Wilson Reagan – insane anglo warlord
Saddam Hussain – humans sad side
Angela Merkel – Eek! All German!

I hate school – oh so ethical
No admittance – contaminated
Austin Powers – power us satin
George Bush – he grew bogus
Grand Old Party – Portly Grandad

Narcissim – man’s crisis
Comfort is – microsoft
Hot water – worth tea
Darling, I love you – avoiding our yell
The country side – no city dust here

Baseball – babes all
Christmas – trims cash
year two thousand – a year to shut down
Santa Monica – satanic moan
ipod lover – poor devil

Astronomer – moon starer
Apple Inc – epic plan
Stupid girl – drips guilt
Frito lay – oily fart

Waitress = A stew, Sir?
Western Union = No Wire Unsent
Waitress – a stew, Sir?
Breasts – bra sets
Graduation – out in a drag

The United States Bureau of Fisheries = I Raise the Bass to Feed Us in the Future
The United States of America = Attaineth its cause, freedom
Tom Cruise = So I'm Cuter
Vacation time = I am not active
Vacation Times = I'm Not as Active

The Hilton = Hint: Hotel
The Hospital Ambulance = A Cab, I Hustle to Help Man
The Meaning of Life = The fine game of nil
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet

The country side = No City Dust Here
The Detectives = Detect Thieves
The ears = Hear set
The eyes = They see
The Great New York Rapid Transit Tunnel = Giant work in street, partly underneath

Sycophant = Acts phony
Television programming = Permeating living rooms
The centenarians = I can hear ten "tens"
The Check is in the Mail = Claim Heck, I sent it heh
The cockroach = Cook, catch her

Schoolmaster = The classroom
Slot Machines = Cash Lost in'em
Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's
Software = Swear Oft
Sunshine and Shadow = Show in Sun and Shade

Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
Naturalist = A trails nut
Postmaster = Stamp Store
Presbyterians = Best In Prayers = Britney Spears
Protectionism = Cite no imports = Nice to imports

I run to escape = A persecution
Indomitableness = Endless ambition
Listen = Silent
Madam Curie = Radium came
Mel Gibson = Bong Smile

Father-in-law = Near halfwit
Funeral = Real Fun
Garbage Man = Bag Manager
Graduation = Out in a drag!
Heavy Rain? = Hire a Navy!

Dictionary = Indicatory
Dormitory = Dirty Room
Election Results = Lies, Let's Recount!
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
Evangelist = Evil's Agent

Contradiction = Accord not in it
Conversation = Voices Rant On
Darling I love you = leaving your idol / Avoiding our yell
David Letterman = Nerd amid late TV
Desperation = A rope ends it

Barbie doll = I'll bare bod
Butterfly = Flutter-by
Christmas tree = Search, Set, Trim
Clint Eastwood = Old West Action
Clothespins = So let's pinch

A telescope = To see place
Admirer = Married
Alec Guinness = Genuine Class
Animosity = Is No Amity
Astronomers = Moon starers / No more stars

A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place
A domesticated animal = Docile, as a man tamed it
A Gentleman = Elegant Man
A Rolling Stone Gathers No Moss = Stroller on Go, Amasses Nothing
A telephone girl = Repeating "Hello"

Denver = Nerved
Las Vegas = Salvages
Statue of Liberty = Built to stay free
Violet Cat = Attic Love
Santa = satan

Elvis = Lives
Madonna Louise Ciccone = One cool dance musician
Bart (as in Bart Simpson) = Brat
Paris = Pairs
San Diego = Diagnose

Jim Morrison = Mr. Mojo Risin'
Damon Albarn = Dan Abnormal
George Bush = He bugs Gore
Clint Eastwood = Old West action
Ronald Reagan = A darn long era

Slot machines = Cash lost in me
Fourth of July = Joyful Fourth
O, Draconian devil = Leonardo da Vinci
Oh, lame saint = The Mona Lisa
So dark the con of man = Madonna of the Rocks

The eyes = They see
A gentleman = Elegant man
Funeral = Real fun
The Morse Code = Here come dots
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one

Dormitory = Dirty room
School master = The classroom
Conversation = Voices rant on
Listen = Silent
Astronomer = Moon starer

Bored = Robed
Save = Vase
Angel = Glean
Stressed = Desserts
debit card = bad credit

Dusty = Study
Night = Thing
Inch = Chin
Brag = Grab
Cat = Act

Tar = Rat
Arc = Car
Elbow = Below
State = Taste
Cider = Cried

Are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era?