Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My friend was bragging how good his new hearing aid was. I asked him, “What kind is it?”
He looked at his watch and said, “Six thirty.”

How do Dog Catchers get paid?
By the pound.

Why do the French only have one egg for breakfast?
Because un oeuf is un oeuf.

В магазине из женских напитков была только водка. А из цитрусовых - лук. Глинтвейн получился - не очень...

Lactose intolerant people blame udders for their problem.

Wanted.
Assistant to fill Hourglasses with sand, No time wasters.

I was disappointed when I found out that stress balls are NOT for throwing at the faces of people who stress you out.

Why is a robot mechanic never lonely? Because he's always making new friends.

I'm going to start a dildo repair service when lockdown is over, and I'm going to call it "Inspect Her Gadget"...

I will be available for house calls too!

My wife came into my shed yesterday and said, "You're wasting your time and money on all these inventions!"

It was at this point that the Slap-A-Twat Automatic 3000 came into its own!

Did you hear about the philosophical taxi driver?
He said, “It’s not the work I enjoy, it’s the people I run into!”

Q: Why is so hard to wake up in the morning?

A: Newton’s First Law: A body at rest wants to stay at rest.

What do you have if you got a cricket ball in the left hand and a cricket ball in the right hand?

A bloody big cricket.

"Doctor, I feel terrible. Headache, dry mouth, stomach cramps."
"Well, I can't find anything wrong with you. It must be the drink."
"OK. I'll come back when you're sober."

"Doctor, I feel terrible. Headache, dry mouth, stomach cramps."
"Well, I can't find anything wrong with you. It must be the drink."
"OK. I'll come back when you're sober."

I like puns but I'm much better at visual humour. I just stand there at parties and the women start laughing...

My hamburger business
got started from
the ground up.

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending them a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family including an extra child that nobody has ever seen before.

I didn't realize how lopsided and uneven our Christmas tree was until we got home. I'm so mad that we might have to bring it back.
I just can't stand it.

There's no point using Latin phrases if you don't understand what they mean, and vice versa.

“I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.”
– Arthur C. Clarke

My sister was engaged to a man with a wooden leg but she broke it off.

I told my therapist about a dream I had, then I asked him, “What do you think that means?”.

He said, “It means you were sleeping.”.

What’s yellow and kills you if you get it in your eye?

A bulldozer!

Me: “Excuse me, have your carrots been genetically modified?”
Greengrocer: “No, why do you ask?”
Carrot: “Yeah, why do you ask?”

Сегодня 20 декабря 2020 года в 20 часов 20 минут нужно выпить.
Не знаю, почему... но больше такое сочетание не повторится.

I've invented a new board game called Bonopoly.

It's like Monopoly but the streets have no name.

Dolphins are so smart! Within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the edge of a pool and throw them fish.

If anybody would like to speak to me about my shoddy joinery work my door is always open.

Two cans of paint got married .Not too long thereafter the bride whispered ecstatically to the groom " Darling ,I think I'm pigment ".

I thought I broke my ankle last night when I tripped over a Kleenex box. but the doctor said it is only tissue damage.

I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”

I’d love to visit Norway but I can’t afjiord it.

Tom Cruise is currently filming Mission Impossible 7.
It would seem the previous 6 were, in fact, possible.

I went for a check up today and all was going well until he stuck his finger up my arse...

Do you think I should change my dentist?

I saw a German bloke jump into a freezing cold pond to rescue a dog who was drowning!
He climbed out, handed over the dog and said “Here is ze dog, dry him off, keep him vorm, he vill be fine”
I said “Are you a vet?”
He replied “Vet?? - I’m f*****g soaking”

Don't worry about the rumours that Santa has had to elf-isolate. Because of all the reindeer, he has herd immunity.

When I was a kid I use to get hit with a camera alot.... I still get flashbacks.

If Mr. and Mrs. Bigger had a baby boy, of the three of them, who would be the biggest ?
The baby. He would be a little Bigger.

Proctologists reassure patients that their problems can be 'rectified'.

I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino, but after four weeks, they still hadn’t been delivered. I called them up to see what was going on...

Turns out, they were still dealing with my order…

What is the best girlfriend for a computer geek?
One that turns his software into hardware.

"I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~Fran Lebowitz

When I die I’d like the word Humble to be written,

On my statue.

What do Santa’s elves listen to when they are working? .......Wrap music

The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.

Me: Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Her: No
Me: Well I'm not going to spread it.

If you see someone doing a crossword, lean over and say: "7up is Lemonade!"

Yesterday I was feeling a little cheesy, today Im feeling gouda.

Why does Mozart hate chickens?

All they talk about is "Bach, Bach, Bach"

Did you hear about the new Italian restaurant that just opened in the afterlife?

It's called Pasta Way.

My friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania.

Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

Did you hear about the depressed Swede?

He wished he'd never been Bjorn!

"Prefiero ser loco y feliz que ser normal y amargado." Bob Marley

Had a rabbit stew. I didn't complain about the hare in my soup.

I took my wife to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a Exhaust Pipe..
She was Fuming..

Tips on how to fall asleep in a chair. . . . . 1 be old. 2 sit in a chair.

What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married ?

Feyonce.

I had a hen that could count her own eggs 🥚
Turns out she was a
Mathemachicken

While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body, but men are so polite, that they stare only at the covered places.

Orions belt is a real waist of space...

I know this is a bad joke. I only give it 3 stars

Dad: What annoys you most, son?
Son: Nouns.
Dad: Nouns???
Son: Yeah...People, Places & Things.

Dad: What annoys you most, son?
Son: Nouns.
Dad: Nouns???
Son: Yeah...People, Places & Things.

The Flat Earth Society has just announced that they have members all around the Globe.

Q: Why are hairdressers never late for work?
A: Because they know all the short cuts!

Q: Why are hairdressers never late for work?
A: Because they know all the short cuts!

a doctor doctoring another doctor is a paradox.

I left my first girlfriend because she just wouldn’t stop counting.
I often wonder what she’s up to now.

If I had to rate our solar system I’d give it one star.

2 years ago the doctor told me I was going deaf.

I haven’t heard from him
Since.

I lost my balance on an escalator and fell down the stairs for 2 hours.

My sister has a severe nut allergy...

She's a lesbian!

I came home drunk last night and didn't want to wake anyone up so I just stuck two French pancakes to my feet and crêped up the stairs!

The internet connection in my farm is really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable wifi.

I was going to put my slices of meat on the top shelf of the fridge but the steaks were too high.

Her: I love a man with an accent.
Me: Óh rêálly?

-¿Cuanto tardas en bañarte?

-Cinco canciones y media.

I went to my sex addicts class this morning. My councilor thinks l've come a long way. She believes this is because l no longer see women as mere sex objects and can appreciate them as equals...

Sounds like she's after a good shag if you ask me!

По статистике вегетарианцы живут дольше. Вот вы сейчас смеётесь над веганом, а потом он придет на вашу могилу и съест все цветы.

“Is it ok if I finish off a few days early this Christmas?”
I asked my boss.

“No it isn’t” he shouted. “Put your Santa beard back on and get inside the grotto, there’s a line of kids waiting to see you.”