Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

—Mamá, ¿tú querías niño o niña?

—Yo solo quería ver la película en casa de tu papá.

Yesterday I gave some of my food to a beggar,
Today he gave me a book called 'how to cook'.

Why did the tree install solar panels?
It wanted to be a power plant.

I think my plant is sick.
It's looking a little bit green.

What do you call a guy with a plant fetish?
A Weed Whacker.

What do you call the argument between two vegans?
A plant-based beef.

A tree that I planted years ago became sick and looked like dying.
So i dug around it to get to the root of the problem.

My grandma was known all over town for her delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died I would plant strawberries over her grave so that everyone could visit her and enjoy them. I fulfilled her wish.
She’s dead and berried.

Plant based cure for COVID-19.
Plant your butt at home.

What position does a baby plant serve in the army?
Infant tree.

I heard pornhub plant a tree for every 100 videos watched.
I guess I’m gonna “single handedly” save the planet then.

So I started cultivating a plant with my ex gf before she broke up with me for this other dude
Oh well, guess it’s his-tree now.

How can you tell an unidentified plant in your garden is a weed?
Try to pull it out. If it comes out easily, it's not a weed.

Why do hackers grow their plants with hydroponics?
To get root access.

I like to plant my herbs in alphabetical order
People often ask : "how do you find the time?:

So I say : "it's right there next to the sage"

What kind of plant contains every known element?
A chemis-tree.

Do you know why you can't water indoor plants in Russia?
Because it's bad for microphones.

What do you say to someone too scared to plant apples ?
Grow a pear.

Q: What do you call cannabis plants that grow in 1 day?
A: insta-pot.

My wife tried to take away my baby marijuana plants from me when we divorced.
Thank god the court granted me joint custody.

What did the young plant say to the old plant?
Ok bloomer.

If a plant is sad, do other plants photosympathize with it?
No, they say "i chlorofeel you man."

What do dry gin and pollinating plants have in common?
They're both Bee-Feeders.

To the thief who has stolen my sage, onion and breadcrumbs...
You can go and get stuffed...

Plant scientists have used genetic engineering to create a new variety of orange.
The novel navel.

What makes certain plants scientifically related to each other?
The family tree.

What'd one marijuana plant say to the other marijuana plant?
Let's be best buds.

What happened to the two apple trees that were planted together?
They lived appley ever after.

My gardener is entering his Bonsai plants in a contest this weekend.
I’m rooting for him.

What type of plants do skateboarders grow?
Faceplants.

What kind of plant do ghosts like to hide behind?
BamBOO!

I wanna tell you a joke about a girl who only eats plants.
You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.

You can’t plant flowers...
...if you haven’t botany.

What does a plant do when someone close to his friend dies?
He photo-sympathizes.

I used to love eating chips until I got barred from the casino.

What happens when you drive a Subaru in reverse?
Ur a bus.

Скороговорка:

Курт Рассел носит куртку Рассела Кроу, а по пирсу разбросаны Броснаны.

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: Mom and Dad were fighting.
Teacher: So what makes you late if they were
fighting?
Student: One shoe was in mom's hand and one
in dad's...🙄

—Toc toc. —¿Quién es? —Testigos de Jehová. —Pasen. —... —¿Qué quieren? —No sé, nunca nos habían dejado pasar.

I was going to apply for a job as a postman but it turns out I forgot to post the application.

К праздничному столу веганы зарезали кабачка.

В России люди настолько суровы, что сами расследуют своё убийство.

What do you call a famous turtle?
A shellebrity.

Never tell a Lion to swallow his Pride.

Santa told me that I've been very good this year.
I told him it was due to lack of opportunity.

Анальный секс похож на прогноз погоды:
+15....
Ощущается как +25

"Para ser feliz, hay que tener mala memoria."

Морская раковина только первые пять лет не похожа на женщину...
(Из воспоминаний Робинзона Крузо)

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don't come into work.

Q:Why do girls rub their eyes when they wake up?
A: Because they have no balls to scratch!

A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov’s dogs and Schrodinger’s cat. The librarian says, “It rings a bell, but I don’t know whether it’s there or not”

Went to the zoo yesterday...I saw a loaf in a cage..
I asked a zookeeper why did they put a loaf in a cage?..
Apparently.... It was bread in captivity...

Экзорцизм наоборот: это когда демон приказывает священнику выйти из мальчика

I fear my wife is struggling with alcohol.

Yesterday she took 20 minutes to get a case of wine up the stairs.

"Las palabras nunca alcanzan cuando lo que hay que decir desborda el alma"

—Julio Cortázar.

Как сказал один мудрец: держи своё тело в тонусе, а своё мнение - в анусе!

Some people are just like trees. They take forever to grow up.

If there was an award for the most pessimistic person
I don't think I would win.

Found a random piece of a jigsaw in my car today and I’ve no idea where it came from. It’s a bit of a puzzle.

- Ребе, чем жена отличается от жемчужины?
- Жену можно нанизать только с одной стороны, а жемчужину - с обеих.
- Ребе, но я могу нанизать свою жену с двух сторон.
- Рабинович, да у тебя не жена, а жемчужина!

I asked my friend if I was ugly.
They answered, “God makes everyone perfect.”

I replied, “Thank you!”

But then they said, “Well..I don’t know who made *you.”* Certainly not God!”

If I had a dollar for everytime people call me ugly...
I'd be broke cause no one ever calls me.

An old woman visits her doctor, complaining of back pain.
The doctor tells her, "It's old age."

The woman says to the doctor, "Well, I want a second opinion!"

To which the doctor says, "Fine, you're ugly too!"

What do you call a bunch of ugly people in a flying car having an orgy because they feel sorry for each other?
A shitty pity gang bang.

Camouflage clothing is so ugly...
It's no wonder you don't see anyone wearing it.

Yo Mamma's so ugly....
She ordered a Happy meal and made it cry.

Yo mama so ugly...
she walked into a haunted house and came out with a job application!

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

Things turned really ugly at my house last night.
My girlfriend removed her make up.

Your momma’s so ugly...
her blowjobs count as anal.

Yo mamma’s so ugly...
Yo daddy takes her to work with him every day so he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.

People used to call me ugly in middle school, but things have changed...
I'm not in middle school anymore.

How ugly are you?
I take 10 pictures of myself and delete 12.

I went to the store to buy condoms last night.
The cashier asked, ‟Do you want a bag?”
I replied, ‟No, she is not that ugly.”

I made a joke about ugly people the other day.
Someone walked up to me and hugged me and said " it takes courage to talk about your face".

So I mentioned how my crush wanted me to give up beekeeping. I was holding one of them and she said "How can you hold that ugly creature?". I said I didn't think it was ugly.
I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

An ugly lady grabbed my ass today
I turned around and asked her, "do you have a pen?"

She said, "of course I do!"
I replied, "well, you get better get back to it before the farmer realizes you're missing."

You're so ugly that I'm going to have to stop drinking...
just in case I start seeing two of you.

I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox
the cat kept covering me up.

Yo mama's so ugly...
She took off her facemask during quarantine and was arrested for indecent exposure.