Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Doc, note I dissent: a fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod.

Did Hannah see bees? Hannah did.

Anne, I vote more cars race Rome to Vienna.

Pull up, Eva! we’re here! Wave! Pull up!

Cigar? Toss it in a can. It is so tragic.

Amy? Must I jujitsu my ma?

A man, a plan, a canal: Panama.

Sit on a potato pan, Otis.

As I pee, sir, I see Pisa!

When is a palindrome not a palindrome?
All the time.

My bank account balance is a palindrome.
$00.00

Our clumsy mate has just got a PhD in palindromes.

We call him
Dr Awkward.

What do you call a funny palindrome?
lol.

What kind of car does the president of the palindrome society own?
A Toyota.

How many palindromes do I know of?
Not a ton.

UFO tofu?

Yo, banana boy!

Oozy rat in a sanitary zoo.

Murder for a jar of red rum.

Madam, in Eden, I’m Adam.

Ed, I saw Harpo Marx ram Oprah W. aside.

Dennis, Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, Dee, Rena, Joel, Lora, Cecil, Aaron, Flora, Tina, Arden, Noel, and Ellen sinned.

Was it a car or a cat I saw?

Taco cat.

Borrow or rob?

Are we not pure? “No, sir!” Panama’s moody Noriega brags. “It is garbage!” Irony dooms a man—a prisoner up to new era.

Amore, Roma.

Al lets Della call Ed “Stella.”

A nut for a jar of tuna.

I found a hat with £17.50 in it.
I thought this other guy was going to pick it up but he was too busy juggling.

If you beat your own record, you’re both a winner and a loser.

Lazy rule: Can't reach it? Don't need it.

- У вас есть хобби?
- Да, но жена просит, чтобы я закодировался...

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

Do they have a troubleshooting section in gun magazines?

Her: ‘Dinner is in the crock pot.’
Me: ‘Nice – what is it?’
Her: ‘It’s like this ceramic slow cooker thingy.’

The blind carpenter picked up his hammer and saw...

There seems to be no end, I've lost control and I can't see no escape.
I think I need a new keyboard.

There was a rollover of a truck loaded with wigs and hairpieces.
The police are now combing the area.

My friend was bragging how good his new hearing aid was. I asked him, “What kind is it?”
He looked at his watch and said, “Six thirty.”

How do Dog Catchers get paid?
By the pound.

Why do the French only have one egg for breakfast?
Because un oeuf is un oeuf.

В магазине из женских напитков была только водка. А из цитрусовых - лук. Глинтвейн получился - не очень...

Lactose intolerant people blame udders for their problem.

Wanted.
Assistant to fill Hourglasses with sand, No time wasters.

I was disappointed when I found out that stress balls are NOT for throwing at the faces of people who stress you out.

Why is a robot mechanic never lonely? Because he's always making new friends.

I'm going to start a dildo repair service when lockdown is over, and I'm going to call it "Inspect Her Gadget"...

I will be available for house calls too!

My wife came into my shed yesterday and said, "You're wasting your time and money on all these inventions!"

It was at this point that the Slap-A-Twat Automatic 3000 came into its own!

Did you hear about the philosophical taxi driver?
He said, “It’s not the work I enjoy, it’s the people I run into!”

Q: Why is so hard to wake up in the morning?

A: Newton’s First Law: A body at rest wants to stay at rest.

What do you have if you got a cricket ball in the left hand and a cricket ball in the right hand?

A bloody big cricket.

"Doctor, I feel terrible. Headache, dry mouth, stomach cramps."
"Well, I can't find anything wrong with you. It must be the drink."
"OK. I'll come back when you're sober."

"Doctor, I feel terrible. Headache, dry mouth, stomach cramps."
"Well, I can't find anything wrong with you. It must be the drink."
"OK. I'll come back when you're sober."

I like puns but I'm much better at visual humour. I just stand there at parties and the women start laughing...

My hamburger business
got started from
the ground up.

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending them a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family including an extra child that nobody has ever seen before.

I didn't realize how lopsided and uneven our Christmas tree was until we got home. I'm so mad that we might have to bring it back.
I just can't stand it.

There's no point using Latin phrases if you don't understand what they mean, and vice versa.

“I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.”
– Arthur C. Clarke

My sister was engaged to a man with a wooden leg but she broke it off.

I told my therapist about a dream I had, then I asked him, “What do you think that means?”.

He said, “It means you were sleeping.”.

What’s yellow and kills you if you get it in your eye?

A bulldozer!

Me: “Excuse me, have your carrots been genetically modified?”
Greengrocer: “No, why do you ask?”
Carrot: “Yeah, why do you ask?”

Сегодня 20 декабря 2020 года в 20 часов 20 минут нужно выпить.
Не знаю, почему... но больше такое сочетание не повторится.

I've invented a new board game called Bonopoly.

It's like Monopoly but the streets have no name.

Dolphins are so smart! Within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the edge of a pool and throw them fish.

If anybody would like to speak to me about my shoddy joinery work my door is always open.

Two cans of paint got married .Not too long thereafter the bride whispered ecstatically to the groom " Darling ,I think I'm pigment ".

I thought I broke my ankle last night when I tripped over a Kleenex box. but the doctor said it is only tissue damage.

I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”

I’d love to visit Norway but I can’t afjiord it.

Tom Cruise is currently filming Mission Impossible 7.
It would seem the previous 6 were, in fact, possible.

I went for a check up today and all was going well until he stuck his finger up my arse...

Do you think I should change my dentist?

I saw a German bloke jump into a freezing cold pond to rescue a dog who was drowning!
He climbed out, handed over the dog and said “Here is ze dog, dry him off, keep him vorm, he vill be fine”
I said “Are you a vet?”
He replied “Vet?? - I’m f*****g soaking”

Don't worry about the rumours that Santa has had to elf-isolate. Because of all the reindeer, he has herd immunity.

When I was a kid I use to get hit with a camera alot.... I still get flashbacks.

If Mr. and Mrs. Bigger had a baby boy, of the three of them, who would be the biggest ?
The baby. He would be a little Bigger.

Proctologists reassure patients that their problems can be 'rectified'.

I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino, but after four weeks, they still hadn’t been delivered. I called them up to see what was going on...

Turns out, they were still dealing with my order…