Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What is the best girlfriend for a computer geek?
One that turns his software into hardware.

"I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~Fran Lebowitz

When I die I’d like the word Humble to be written,

On my statue.

What do Santa’s elves listen to when they are working? .......Wrap music

The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.

Me: Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Her: No
Me: Well I'm not going to spread it.

If you see someone doing a crossword, lean over and say: "7up is Lemonade!"

Yesterday I was feeling a little cheesy, today Im feeling gouda.

Why does Mozart hate chickens?

All they talk about is "Bach, Bach, Bach"

Did you hear about the new Italian restaurant that just opened in the afterlife?

It's called Pasta Way.

My friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania.

Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

Did you hear about the depressed Swede?

He wished he'd never been Bjorn!

"Prefiero ser loco y feliz que ser normal y amargado." Bob Marley

Had a rabbit stew. I didn't complain about the hare in my soup.

I took my wife to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a Exhaust Pipe..
She was Fuming..

Tips on how to fall asleep in a chair. . . . . 1 be old. 2 sit in a chair.

What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married ?

Feyonce.

I had a hen that could count her own eggs 🥚
Turns out she was a
Mathemachicken

While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body, but men are so polite, that they stare only at the covered places.

Orions belt is a real waist of space...

I know this is a bad joke. I only give it 3 stars

Dad: What annoys you most, son?
Son: Nouns.
Dad: Nouns???
Son: Yeah...People, Places & Things.

Dad: What annoys you most, son?
Son: Nouns.
Dad: Nouns???
Son: Yeah...People, Places & Things.

The Flat Earth Society has just announced that they have members all around the Globe.

Q: Why are hairdressers never late for work?
A: Because they know all the short cuts!

Q: Why are hairdressers never late for work?
A: Because they know all the short cuts!

a doctor doctoring another doctor is a paradox.

I left my first girlfriend because she just wouldn’t stop counting.
I often wonder what she’s up to now.

If I had to rate our solar system I’d give it one star.

2 years ago the doctor told me I was going deaf.

I haven’t heard from him
Since.

I lost my balance on an escalator and fell down the stairs for 2 hours.

My sister has a severe nut allergy...

She's a lesbian!

I came home drunk last night and didn't want to wake anyone up so I just stuck two French pancakes to my feet and crêped up the stairs!

The internet connection in my farm is really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable wifi.

I was going to put my slices of meat on the top shelf of the fridge but the steaks were too high.

Her: I love a man with an accent.
Me: Óh rêálly?

-¿Cuanto tardas en bañarte?

-Cinco canciones y media.

I went to my sex addicts class this morning. My councilor thinks l've come a long way. She believes this is because l no longer see women as mere sex objects and can appreciate them as equals...

Sounds like she's after a good shag if you ask me!

По статистике вегетарианцы живут дольше. Вот вы сейчас смеётесь над веганом, а потом он придет на вашу могилу и съест все цветы.

“Is it ok if I finish off a few days early this Christmas?”
I asked my boss.

“No it isn’t” he shouted. “Put your Santa beard back on and get inside the grotto, there’s a line of kids waiting to see you.”

—Mamá, ¿tú querías niño o niña?

—Yo solo quería ver la película en casa de tu papá.

Yesterday I gave some of my food to a beggar,
Today he gave me a book called 'how to cook'.

Why did the tree install solar panels?
It wanted to be a power plant.

I think my plant is sick.
It's looking a little bit green.

What do you call a guy with a plant fetish?
A Weed Whacker.

What do you call the argument between two vegans?
A plant-based beef.

A tree that I planted years ago became sick and looked like dying.
So i dug around it to get to the root of the problem.

My grandma was known all over town for her delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died I would plant strawberries over her grave so that everyone could visit her and enjoy them. I fulfilled her wish.
She’s dead and berried.

Plant based cure for COVID-19.
Plant your butt at home.

What position does a baby plant serve in the army?
Infant tree.

I heard pornhub plant a tree for every 100 videos watched.
I guess I’m gonna “single handedly” save the planet then.

So I started cultivating a plant with my ex gf before she broke up with me for this other dude
Oh well, guess it’s his-tree now.

How can you tell an unidentified plant in your garden is a weed?
Try to pull it out. If it comes out easily, it's not a weed.

Why do hackers grow their plants with hydroponics?
To get root access.

I like to plant my herbs in alphabetical order
People often ask : "how do you find the time?:

So I say : "it's right there next to the sage"

What kind of plant contains every known element?
A chemis-tree.

Do you know why you can't water indoor plants in Russia?
Because it's bad for microphones.

What do you say to someone too scared to plant apples ?
Grow a pear.

Q: What do you call cannabis plants that grow in 1 day?
A: insta-pot.

My wife tried to take away my baby marijuana plants from me when we divorced.
Thank god the court granted me joint custody.

What did the young plant say to the old plant?
Ok bloomer.

If a plant is sad, do other plants photosympathize with it?
No, they say "i chlorofeel you man."

What do dry gin and pollinating plants have in common?
They're both Bee-Feeders.

To the thief who has stolen my sage, onion and breadcrumbs...
You can go and get stuffed...

Plant scientists have used genetic engineering to create a new variety of orange.
The novel navel.

What makes certain plants scientifically related to each other?
The family tree.

What'd one marijuana plant say to the other marijuana plant?
Let's be best buds.

What happened to the two apple trees that were planted together?
They lived appley ever after.

My gardener is entering his Bonsai plants in a contest this weekend.
I’m rooting for him.

What type of plants do skateboarders grow?
Faceplants.

What kind of plant do ghosts like to hide behind?
BamBOO!

I wanna tell you a joke about a girl who only eats plants.
You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.

You can’t plant flowers...
...if you haven’t botany.

What does a plant do when someone close to his friend dies?
He photo-sympathizes.

I used to love eating chips until I got barred from the casino.

What happens when you drive a Subaru in reverse?
Ur a bus.

Скороговорка:

Курт Рассел носит куртку Рассела Кроу, а по пирсу разбросаны Броснаны.

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: Mom and Dad were fighting.
Teacher: So what makes you late if they were
fighting?
Student: One shoe was in mom's hand and one
in dad's...🙄

—Toc toc. —¿Quién es? —Testigos de Jehová. —Pasen. —... —¿Qué quieren? —No sé, nunca nos habían dejado pasar.

I was going to apply for a job as a postman but it turns out I forgot to post the application.

К праздничному столу веганы зарезали кабачка.